Archive for April, 2009

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Trying and Trying Again

April 30, 2009

The need to be a mother is not an intellectual desire. Call it spirital, emotional, animal- its a raw undeniable need. I’m a thirsty beggar praying for rain but I am so scared of the road ahead. My doctor said I can start trying again after my period which should come in four to six weeks. I see the path of infertility I’ve wandered on for a year, and I feel afraid.

I don’t want to “try” again. I don’t want to count my ovulation days. I don’t want to check my cervical mucus. I don’t want to time my sex. I don’t want to sit contemplating phantom symptoms for two weeks. I don’t want to wait two weeks for results, and with my wonky cycle, often three to four weeks. I don’t want to see one more negative pregnancy test. The thought of seeing the blank space where I have now once seen a line, I fear it may break me. I am so scared my hands tremble.

And yet- I will try again. I will count my ovulation days. I will check my cervical mucus and time sex, and check my body for phantom signs and wait two weeks and take pregnancy tests. I don’t know why on an intellectual level, but I am willing to take the risk of going through the depths of hell again. Either I am crazy, or its a force beyond myself that pulls me to try and try again.

I wanted to share this youtube video from Sesame Street days. Whenever I think of trying to conceive again, I always think of the little kitten in this video. I must have watched this video 100 times growing up. Watching it now at least made me smile.  If you are reading this and are thinking of the road ahead like me, perhaps this video, if not give you comfort will at least bring back a nice memory or a smile.

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Miscarriage, 2.5 weeks and the pain remains

April 30, 2009

I keep hoping that the healing process is beginning. I keep hoping that I am getting better and ready to move on. Yet the grief comes in waves like a Tsunami. I am peaceful and then in the middle of reading a book, or a conversation about pizza, I am seized by the powerful emotion and I fear I will drown. I take two steps forward, and then four steps back. I feel that I am tip toeing out of darkness and a dream or a memory drags me back in like a black snake coiled around my throat. When will I heal? Is this what healing feels like? Maybe healing means that you continue to ache and bleed along the way. Maybe with a loss as painful as this the heart never fully recovers.

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Dreams of My Daughter

April 30, 2009

I refer to the child I lost as him. I’ve wondered why that is so.

Six months before I got pregnant I dreamed of a little girl, she was about one years old. I held her in my arms and tossed her in the air. She smiled wide with large brown eyes. Her hair black and cut short her face plump and round. The image is frozen in my mind looking down at me up in the air, my arms holding her up. I knew then that my first child would be a daughter.  Two weeks before I got pregnant my mother called me and told me she had a dream, a cute little girl with short brown hair, smiling up at her.  Last night I had a vivid dream. A little girl about one years old, she ran around barefoot as I tried to catch her. Her hair was short and dark, small gold earrings in her air. She wore pink overalls.

I think I know why I call my unborn child him. If the child that died is the girl in my dreams, the one I’ve held and kissed and loved as a mother, I fear what such acceptance would do to me. I am trying to be positive. That this child represents hope for a future daughter. That she is the daughter I still have hopes to have, but now, as I’m haunted, wondering if this baby I lost was her, the grief seems to stir itself within my soul once again as though anew.

Little baby, if you only knew how much I miss you. I would give my life just for a moment to hold you up in the air and see your beautiful smile.

Please God, give me strength. Give me comfort. This is so damn hard sometimes.

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Being a Zombie

April 30, 2009

I spoke with a co-worker today about something work related to which they said so you’re just a zombie, part of the living dead. That resonated with me. Many days, this is how I feel. I am a living zombie. I wake up. I brush my teeth. I wash my hair. I spend time with friends. I work. I watch television. I read. I laugh. I smile. I hug. I kiss. But inside, I’m still in a daze. There are moments- where the pain subsides for a few minutes, or hours; these remind me of who I was. A joke that slips out naturally, a thought about Oh I better return that library book and feeling an urgency to complete the task. But otherwise- I feel as though I am looking but not seeing, touching but not feeling, hearing but not truly understanding my life around me. Sometimes it feels as though it is only through tears that I am alive. When those moments hit me, when I realize what I lost and pain sears through me like a stake through the heart, I feel close to my truest self. I am not a robot. I am seeing, feeling, and understanding a loss more real to me than anything else. I am sure there will come a time when I won’t have to take each day one day at a time. I won’t have be proud that i made it through one day without falling apart in a meeting or over lunch. I wonder when that day will be.

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My one day streak and poetry

April 29, 2009

That’s how long I’ve gone without crying. I thought I was going to hit day two but I read poetry by a woman who has been in my shoes and the feeling of being fully understood makes me weep because I know as selfish as it is, I am not alone.

The lines that affected me most:  It comes to seem like a dream, impossible that we ever hovered on this threshold or imagined ourselves ready to go through.

If you are suffering through a miscarriage and would like some poetry for the soul, read here: http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/files/through-final.pdf

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Starting the healing process, maybe

April 28, 2009

This miscarriage did not simply take away the future I imagined for the child who resided within me for those brief months. My miscarriage was an earthquake shattering my preconceived notions of God and faith. It was these two things that took me to what feels like the lowest reaches of hell. I lost a dream and I lost the framework with which I saw my world.

I’m beginning to analyze my grief and pain within the context of a God. Faith is about a belief in what one cannot tangibly witness. Love, trust, hope, God.

Something wretched has happened to me, like someone stripped away my skin and threw alcohol on the bloody wounds. This makes me question God, it makes me question His existence. Would a kind loving God hurt me this way?

But- when did he promise me an easy life? When did He promise to pave my path with flowers? Yes, I thought after my hardship of infertility, God gave me ease with the pregnancy… but no one guarunteed I would not lose it. That life would not grow difficult again.

Life is difficult for everyone in their own individual ways. Lost jobs. Death of loved ones [a difficulty we must all someday endure]. Illness. Heart break. Theft. Cruelty. No one save those who may lack capacity to understand are spared from life’s heartaches.

Life is beautiful, yes. But life is very very difficult too.  Sometimes we begin to think that we are entitled to a loving partner, or a healthy baby, or a job we like. When we don’t get it we are angry at God for not making life work as we wanted.

This miscarriage has stripped me from the spiritual daze I’ve lived in for three years. It’s forced me to question God, and my life, and how I feel about faith. Questions that I have avoided because they are too complicated to contemplate. This miscarriage caused me to instinctively turn to God and then confront how lost I feel lately. I’m a hamster on a wheel that stopped spinning and this miscarriage has given me a kick start.

I’m not sure what this means for me. Will this contemplation lead me closer to God or further away? Can I once again believe as I once did that there is a purpose in our lives and a reason things happen, good or bad?

I don’t know. But I can’t help but be taken aback by this one thing: A dear friend flew in last night. I’ve known of her arrival for months. I looked forward to her visit and my chance to share my good news with her. Ofcourse by the time she came, there was no longer that good news. However, talking to her is slowly leading me out of the darkness I’ve been in for weeks now. I had no idea I would miscarry or that I would tell her or or that she would be the  impetus of me considering finding my faith again. I cannot help but wonder, if perhaps someone else did know I would miscarry and knew that she would be someone who would give me the strength I needed at this time an the assistance to reevaluate my relationship with God. I look at the timing of it all and I wonder: Is He watching over me? Did he arrange events to happen just so?

I don’t know. But the thought of this, the mere possibility, gives me a strand of peace.

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Planning for the future

April 28, 2009

I submitted a book to a writing contest. They said it was good but I did not win.

I got pregnant. They said I would be fine since my heart beat was 162. I miscarried.

I plan a trip to yes, MEXICO, in ten days. One of those free vouchers from credit card companies. Well, swine flu. Now we’re likely going to have to lose our free airline tickets and the $300+ we spent for our hotel stay.

If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans for the future.

I hope someone somewhere is having a huge laugh.

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Friends and Miscarriage

April 27, 2009

A friend stopped by my office to give me a hug. She had told me she was pregnant several weeks back and unable to contain my joy, I shared too. She was on the bcc list to whom I broke my news of miscarriage. She stopped by to say hi. She gave me a hug and told me she prayed for me. Then she proceeded to talk about law school graduation and how much her exams are bothering her and how her graduation dinner planning is driving her bonkers. Then with a hug, she was out. She didn’t do anything wrong. She said the right things and its good to not join me in my plummet to the bottom of the earth, but, I don’t know why, I felt angry. Emotions, its me, Kate. I’d like for you to make some fucking sense to me again because I’m sick of this. I’m not that person. I’m not forever bitter and unhappy with the world. What has this miscarriage done to me?

Some friends treat me like I’ve developed the plague and if they venture too close they might catch this mysterious miscarriage thingie. One went so far as to say she was scared to come over and see me. I guess the problem is that because I did not lose a child recognized by any legal institution, and because in their minds it happened for a fucking good reason or some other bullshit, they don’t feel my pain. They just don’t understand. I can’t say I would behave differently. I cannot know for sure.

Instead of This happened for a reason say, I’m sorry to hear.

Instead of It’ll get better, say, I’ve been thinking of you.

Instead of You can always get pregnant again, say Is there anything I can do for you?

Pretty much, as a rule of thumb, consider what you would say to someone who God Forbid lost a living breathing child of five years of age. You would not tell them the child got hit by a truck for a reason. You would not tell a grieving parent It will get better. You would not tell a mother as she lays her child to rest You can always get pregnant again.

BUT this is different- you might argue. This was not a child, just a fetus. Yes- but grief is grief and grief is raw and real and the emotions I feel while I will never claim to be as intense as my example above, are still real and painful and powerful, so please… just please.

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Why Targeted Ads SUCK

April 27, 2009

Amazon can you please stop sending me deals on baby strollers and car seats? It kind of doesn’t help that corporate America is knocking on my door with daily reminders.

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When does the sadness end?

April 27, 2009

Two weeks to the day of the miscarriage and the pain remains so close to the surface. Certainly I’ve refined the mask I wear when I’m out. I can smile and small talk like the best of them. Why, this weekend, I spent 48 hours with friends who had no idea, and I cried only twice.

Reminders lurk in every corner. In every baby I see. In every swollen belly. Today I listened as Jack congratulated a friend who just had a baby. I heard a conversation about happy grandparents and diaper changing and the cries of the new one keeping up her weary parents. I cleaned out a bathroom cabinet and turned over the positive pregnancy test. Each instance is a punch to my gut. Each moment a reminder of what should have been, and what is not.

I don’t want to be sad. I want to move on. I want to let it go. I want to stop counting the weeks and remembering this could have been a second trimester. But dammit. I can’t move on. I am stuck in what feels like an emotional groundhog day. I wake up each day hoping the snow has cleared and the radio is playing a different song, yet right now its gray clouds, followed by more of the same.

I consider taking a happy pill, but that won’t change my reality. I may not eat organic food as much as I should, but I’m too organic to fake my own joy. I try to embrace my emotions for they are my authentic self, yet I just wish that my self would just fucking move on already.

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And the Oscar goes to….

April 27, 2009

Me.

Seriously, I should be on the big screen across from Tom Hanks or Mark Ruffalo. I am that good.

I sat through conversations about the specialness of motherhood and ten different conversations on babies and how cute and fun they are. I participated. I smiled. I laughed at the appropriate moments. Sure sometimes it felt like someone was jamming a crushed piece of glass into my heart. Sure I now am very seriously concerned that I may be developing what feels like an ulcer, but dammit I learned something about my self. I learned that I am in the wrong career. I am one brilliant fucking actor.

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God and the certainty of mountains

April 26, 2009

I am sitting at a writing table in a chalet on Beaucroft Mountain in Asheville, NC. It is late at night and I am looking out the large window. This morning, during the day, I looked out and saw beautiful green mountains framing the window in every direction. I saw clearly the firm etching they made into the horizon. The Smoky Mountains as concerete and real as the fingers that type these words. Tonight at two o’clock in the morning I stare out in the darkness and see nothing. No sillohuette. No etching of mountain side. In this darkness, if I cannot see the mountains do the mountains still exist? As I consider this darkness while I struggle with a different darkness like a blanket over my soul I cannot tell you the truth with 100% conviction.

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Ray Lamontagne and tears

April 25, 2009

If you have never heard of Ray you should, he is the best kept secret of art in the US. I went to his concert last night. I sang along and smiled and danced until he finally sang “Let it Be Me”….

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone let it be me.

I used to listen to this song and feel inspired. I thought of God and of hope. I thought of how when your chips are down, when things are tough  at least you always have God….  This time when I heard it, and heard him sing it live and raw with passion every wall I kept up to make it through this concert collapsed and I fell back in my seat shuddering with sobs. I felt so alone, so empty. Yet in the strangest sense, those tears felt healing…

The song is here.

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An idea of a mother’s love

April 24, 2009

Growing up my mother said a phrase which translated means: May not even a tepid gust of wind touch you. It’s a mother’s prayer that nothing bad or harmful ever hurt her child. It’s a prayer she said several times a day.

When my stomach contracted painfully, the thought beyond my own pain was Is my baby hurting? Is he scared? Is he struggling? I know that there is no advanced brain and it’s still very early but he had nerve endings he could feel pain. When he fell to the floor the most difficult part to process was Did it hurt you when you fell? How long till the life left you? Would it have helped if I looked beyond my horror and held you? Morbid, I know, but its how I felt and its what kept me comatose in bed the first few days.

When the doctor told me based on blood work its likely the baby died several days before I miscarried, I felt boulders lifting from my shoulders I did not know I carried. I felt relief that at least, if he had to go, he died in my womb and the contractions, the smack on the floor, did not touch him.

My baby left this world without a name. Without a hug or a touch. I never changed his diapers or saw his first steps. I never got to complain about the terrible twos with my baby. But I felt a mother’s pain when he died, a small piece of that pain for surely the pain is even more unimaginable when you’ve done all the things that I mentioned earlier.

The pain I endured as I suffered wondering how my baby suffered makes me respect my mother so much more, and all mothers.  I am amazed at my irrational processing, to have experienced this much pain, to know how much more can be, and yet wanting to try again anyways.

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Miscarriage and your husband

April 24, 2009

I love Jack dearly. Even in the midst of my grief I can look at him and know that I am blessed to have his support. Yet I must say there is something else burrowing in the midst of my gratitude for his presence in my life. I can’t pinpoint the right word for it but I can try to explain it. For me, my baby was a baby. He was a tiny little thing but I saw him. I heard his little heart beating, I saw his little body floating in my womb curled up, the hint of the umbilical cord that connected us a faint line on the screen. Seeing him made me believe he was real. When I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, when I gagged from a smell, I imagined that little being, the connection between my husband and I, the innocent creature I was privileged to house for a brief while. He was my baby.

Jack isn’t experiencing this like me. The night it happened he cried and the next few days we both wandered the house as if we were shell shocked. But now- he’s not curled up in fetal position crying his eyes out. He’s not running on the treadmill to run from the demons. He’s not biting his trembling lip wondering why did this happen. Jack has peace. He believes this happened for a reason. When I refer to speck as “he”, Jack objects. “You don’t know what the gender was. It was not a baby. It was just a thing.” My tears cause him discomfort. Sometimes he hugs me, sometimes he tries to joke to change the topic or get my mind off of it. A conversation about God and Purpose? Forget it. It’s a closed topic.

I try to respect this because a) he did not house this baby, his body did not begin the physical changes to accommodate the child b) perhaps this is a way to deal with the pain, if it was not a child or a baby yet then the grief is less c) some people can believe it happened for a reason and it gives them comfort. He doesn’t want me to question the purpose argument because then honestly, what the fuck is there to make sense of this?

We’re going to a concert tomorrow and he’s so excited because he loves the singer. I’m excited because I might for a few hours not remember what happened.

The truth is, I think from reading tons of other blogs on this subject, that at the end of the day that child housed in your body. Stole your nutrients and gave you headaches. Because you actively felt the presence of this child, the child is more real to you than he could ever be to your husband. In particular I liked what this blog had to say:

Almost every single woman feels this way (only a very small number mention partners that are sensitive and helpful)
100% of dads I’ve talked to or who have gotten on the board either want to know how to be strong for their wives or confess that they are grieving deeply and don’t want their wives to know
Men (and many women) really do believe that if you stop thinking about something, the problem goes away. Thus, they say comments like “Stop thinking about it” or “You’re getting obsessed about this” or “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Truly, nothing could be further from the truth. Talking about your problems is a catharsis and will help you heal faster.
A very natural dynamic in every couple, particularly if you live together or are married, is that only one person can fall apart at a time. If you both fall apart, no one will be making dinner, keeping the clothes washed, or manage other children, if you have them. This is an important function of the partnership, and is very rarely breached. Whoever is less sad at the moment will swallow their grief and deal with it later. The other person will feel abandoned and alone, and the partner may recognize it, but feel helpless to really get involved due to the pressure of keeping everyday life going. This time will pass, and the acute phase is usually a month or less.

It helps to understand why they feel differently than us and in some ways its good that he acts differently. Its because of him I’m still going to Asheville, or went out shopping last weekend [and ENCOURAGED me to buy a Coach bag… serioulsy, if only you knew Jack…] He supports me and wants me to get my mind off of things. And it does help to wear a mask and pretend to be okay because for brief moments you do forget.

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Ways I sometimes blame myself

April 24, 2009

1. I flopped down on my stomach once when I went to bed.

2. I lifted a suitcase onto the overhead compartment on a flight.

3. I worried.

4. I started pre-natals a week after I found out I was pregnant.

5.  I complained about my nausea once.

6. I drank tea.

7. I got upset over my JOB. Or a letter from the HOA to FIX MY MAIL BOX. Or something my MIL said. Or my WEIGHT and wondering how I’d lose the baby weight when I’m not at the WEIGHT I want to be at now. I did not fully appreciate my baby. I focused on shit that was unimportant and didn’t just remain grateful night and day that I was pregnant and I should be happy. So he was taken from me. For my ungrateful nature.

8. I didn’t push my doctor on getting progesterone shots when she said I didn’t need them.

9. I forgot to take my metformin medication one night.

10. I wasn’t skinny enough.

11. I yelled at my SIL

12. I considered a friend’s offer to throw me a baby shower. I counted my chickens before they hatched.

Logically, I know that many of these reasons are illogical. I know that one missed dose of Metformin, which was just recommended and optional, did not result in the miscarriage. A friend pointed out Octo-Mom has 14 babies and she’s not a saint to the world. I get that on an intellectual level. But the base instinctual part of me turns against myself. I guess it is natural to try to find someone to blame.

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Songs that fit or help me heal through my miscarriage

April 23, 2009

Not As We Alanis  Morissette. Day one, day one. Start over again. Step one. I’m barely making sense For now I’m faking it ‘Til I’m psuedo-making it From scratch, begin again But this time I as I And not as we

Goodnight Travel Well– The Killers. stay, don’t leave me the stars can wait for your sign don’t signal now and there’s nothing I can say there’s nothing I can do now there’s nothing I can say there’s nothing we can do now

I Grieve– Peter Gabriel. did I dream this belief? or did i believe this dream? now i can find relief i grieve

Slipped Away– Avril Lavigne. The day you slipped away. Was the day I found it won’t be the same I didn’t get around to kiss you Goodbye on the hand I wish that I could see you again I know that I can’t. I miss you.


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A Haiku

April 23, 2009
A dream lit in me-
And faded before I woke.
Put me back to sleep
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The HCG continues dropping

April 23, 2009

It was 4,000 the day I miscarried. 569 April 15, 2009. It’s 46 today. Just record keeping. Back to work now.

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“It Happened For A Reason”

April 23, 2009

Today I pulled my shit together and went to get my blood work done. Tomorrow I get a call to learn if my HCG levels are going down. I keep going for blood tests until my HCG levels are zero.

I’m proud of myself. I cried just a little when the receptionist greeted me and asked if I was coming for a pregnancy appointment, since this was once upon a time the day it was supposed to be just that. I took deep breaths and stared at my hands in the waiting room, trying not to focus on the swelling bellies, and nervous happy flat stomached women holding their husband’s hands and clutching the same “Newly Pregnant” paperwork I had just held weeks earlier. I tell you, I kept my shit together. Until. Yes, there is an until.

Sitting there, my arm stretched out for the pinpricks I no longer feel, the tech says, “I’m sure this happened for a good reason.” I didn’t scream. I didn’t commit aggravated assault. I just looked at her. She glanced and adjusted her statement, “Well, that’s what they say anyway.”

What is this bullshit answer people giving me, “this happened for a reason?” What’s the reason? Don’t know? Then stop telling me its for a reason. And GOOD reason? Fine, tell me its God’s will for me to be infertile, for me to finally with tears in my eyes sigh a breath of relief that I will be a mother, and it’s God’s will for me to lose a baby before I ever got to hold him. FINE. I guess he has his reasons. I have to believe this if I believe in Him.

Yet- when people say “well if its a chromosomal abnormality, its good that God stopped it.” But for me I can’t reconcile this- Why did God let me get pregnant then? Why didn’t he just give me a healthy baby? He knows all right?

So what’s the good reason? The only one that makes sense are these a) I am being punished for a wrong I’ve committed. This is penance. b) I am being tested and this is the arc of my life- my struggle to conceive and God is watching me like a scientist wondering how I will react.

When I got pregnant my mom sounded triumphant. “I prayed so hard this month and I just knew.” I felt rewarded by God since I had thrown a baby shower for a friend and trust me baby showers are hard to attend for me much less host, but I did it with charm and grace and thought the pregnancy was God telling me I’d evolved into a better person. I prayed EVERY night for a happy healthy baby. I thanked God for blessing me.

The night my womb contracted pushing my child out of me and taking with him my dreams- I bargained hard with God. I begged Him. I promised to do all my prayers on time forever. I offered large sums of money to charity. I promised I would be a better person.

So what is the power of my prayer? Does he answer prayers or just provide strength to people to work through their struggles? Or does He just not like me anymore?

I used to have such a strong connection to God. I felt at peace with Him at all times.  I was the boat, he was my sail.

Now I am unmoored. I am floundering.

In conclusion, please don’t ever tell me this happened for a reason.

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Taking it one day at a time…

April 21, 2009

I am trying to take each day one day at a time. I am trying not to think of my due date that will not happen now. I am trying not to think of tomorrow when I go to make sure my HCG levels are dropping instead of my previously scheduled ultrasound appointment. I am tring really hard not to think about my brother’s wedding and how that was when we were going to break the news to my relatives that I was pregnant. I am trying not to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to dance at his wedding. In short, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying simply to make it through the day God blessed me with today.

But its hard when each day feels like a million years. Yesterday was Monday and briefly I thought Surely it must be Thursday by now!

I’m told it will get easier. Still waiting.

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I thought I was done trying…

April 20, 2009

I thought I was supposed to beat this. That I had finally gotten pregnant. I remember the doctor coming in surprised at how quickly I conceived post-metformin. I remember the ultrasound and the little heartbeat so strong and powerful. After all that time, after all those tests, now I was done. I felt peace wash over me. I felt contentment with the world. I believed in a higher purpose and all those months of hell.. finally, I found peace with it all. I was able to let it go. This miscarriage feels like a rape. Its an act against my body without my consent. It’s turned me into a statistic. It’s left me feeling powerless and vulnerable. The world no longer seems to make sense. It’s not my fault yet I feel violated and ashamed.

I want to move on. I don’t want to dwell. Yet the images continue to assault me. The emptiness  echoes within my womb. I am another statistic. I’m another sad story. I’m a war veteran. I am battle weary. I’m a mother bear longing for her cub. The pain touches me on a level so human it’s animal. But- I’m just another voice in a crowd of millions. My pain is a drop in the ocean of others with similar tears.

They say time heals all wounds. Even this one? I can’t imagine that it will. The pain so fresh, spilling over the surfaces, I can’t imagine its absence.

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Just Told My Boss

April 20, 2009

“It happened for a reason”

That was my response. Fucking hell.

Now I’m sitting in an office bawling my eyes out.

I picked this new header because that is how I feel. I’m full of holes. I am wholly incomplete.

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Back to Work

April 20, 2009

I’m sitting in a desk by myself looking at the computer screen and figuring out what to do. I have trouble focusing, on a good day, but today, considering this is my first day back to work after having my miscarriage, I’m just not here. Mind you, I’ve spoken to clients and consulted opposing counsel, but then once I’m done I just feel this blankness. I can’t believe that there was a time, just two weeks ago that I gave a shit about how someone talked to me, or the worried myself silly about the outcome of the case. I guess it took a miscarriage for me to realize how silly and inconsequential all of this really is. I just don’t want to be here. I should be taking initiative and get to all the things on my “to do” list but I don’t want to. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. I want to run on a treadmill with my ipod. I want to watch sitcoms while eating brownies. It’s not like I’m crying or anything, I just have no desire to smile. I have no desire for pleasantries.

A student asked me, “so were you on like, vacation last week?”

I wish.

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One Restraining Order Against Grief Please

April 20, 2009

Your honour, I am a good person, I help the needy, and I pay my taxes [which were quite high this year might I add] and in short I do my part to be an upstanding citizen of this country and the world. So all I ask is one thing, a restraining order for aggravated assault if you please against the most heinous and evil of perpetrators. His name is Grief. Yes, no last name, just Grief but I’m sure you’ve heard of him. He’s left me well enough alone in the past but it seems he saw me and has taken a fancy to me. Your honour, he stares me down at meetings, as I slip on my pajamas for sleep, today driving into work he attacked me in the middle of the congested road as I listened to a radio DJ discuss his adorable son! I try to push him away your honour. I put on my ipod and try to run away. I talk reason to Grief saying ‘you can’t hurt me, the worst is over’. I beg Grief. But Grief does not listen and Grief, he is a sneaky fellow. I never really know when he’s coming but I always know when arrives for he assaults with a vengeance. He shakes my body as though searching for change, he presses against my heart until fat tears roll down my face, and he makes me scared to leave the house or talk to people because he’s told me, he could be just around that next corner. Your honour, Grief makes me afraid to leave the house. Grief has taken over my life. Please, even a temporary restraint will do.

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Trying to move on after a miscarriage

April 20, 2009

Some things that have helped me

1. Working out. I put on my ipod nano and just powerwalked on the treadmill without looking at the clock. Two hours later, I could have continued but for the blisters on my feet. I felt like I was in my own world in a parallel universe just immersed in the music, sweat dripping down my chin. It helped.

2. Talking about it.

3. Writing about it.

4. Crying about it.

5. Sleeping.

What did not help:

1. Retail therapy. I bought a coach purse (’twas on sale) but it did nothing for me. Material possessions cannot remedy the absence of a piece of your soul.

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One Week Ago

April 19, 2009

The bird chirped with shrieks as though an alarm clock at regular intervals. She tried muffling the sound by burying her head deeper within the pillows but it was no use.

“Close the window,” she mumbled to her husband sleeping on his back next o her.

“Hmm,” he replied burrowing deeper within the sheets.

She sighed and got up, walking over to the window to shut out the shrieking bird.

The house still quiet, she sighed with relief as she pulled the covers over her once more, a few more hours of sleep and then after lunch, we can go home, she thought. She stretched her legs and suddenly her eyes opened. What was that sensation, that slightly wet sensation?

With a finger she touched the wetness and held it close to her face. The world suddenly went silent. Red blood.

No, she thought. No.

“K Get up!” she shrieked, “Blood! I’m bleeding, We have to go home!”

He sat up rubbing his eyes, “bleeding? Calm down. Was there a nail by the window?”

“No! I’m bleeding!” she said, tears already running down her cheek as she paced the room, her heart racing.

“Bleeding where?” He said now standing infront of her, a bewildered expression on his face.

She pointed to the bedsheets, “There.”

Running into the bathroom she began grabbing the toilet paper, “no,” she repeated in horror at the bright red blood. The bleeding was light, she felt no pain.

Running into her bedroom, she locked the door and grabbed her cell phone dialing frantically.

“Northside/Northpint OBGYN answering service.” Said a tin voice on the line.

“I need to speak with a doctor. I’m almost 11 weeks pregnant and I am bleeding.”

Two calls and thirty minutes later the phone rang. A pleasant sounding doctor whose name escaped A assured her there was no need to panic.

“We see this all the time,” she said in a soothing voice, “You have a heart beat and that is good there is likely nothing wrong. Schedule an ultrasound in the morning just to make sure.”

“I’m not having a miscarriage then?” She said with relief.

“I can’t tell you that,” she said with hesitation, “but you have no cramping, just mild bleeding and that does happen, if it gets worse, if you begin soaking up more than one pad an hour with blood and if you have strong cramping, go to the ER.”

She hung up the phone and turned to her husband, “she said it might be okay,” a smile forming on her lips. Hope sending a rope in her direction.

They decided not to tell his family whom they were visiting that morning. No sense in needless worry, they couldn’t do anything after all.

The car ride to Atlanta went slowly as mild cramping began. She had read about this in her frantic google searching. This was the next step in a miscarriage- but- STOP- she told herself. You’re doing this to yourself. These cramps are in your head, they’re not real.

That evening they sat together on the sofa curled up in a blanket arm in arm watching “Baby Mama.” The cramping began to make itself known. Not a figment but a real impending pain.

“Should we go to the ER?” he asked her that night as they lay in bed. “Should we call your doctor?”

“No,” she responded, “I’ll call her in the morning, I can make it through.”

Except the pain did not ease, she lay in bed for an hour feeling her stomach painfully contract. Her husband’s snores served to egg on her own pain. Getting up she went downstairs and looked at the nurse hotline on the fridge posted next to the ultrasound photos.

“Are you having more bleeding than one pad an hour?” asked the nurse. As she spoke those words the pain grew exponentially worse, she pulled her pants down and saw blood gushing out of her like a water faucet.

The next moments went by in a daze. She remembered screaming to her husband that they needed to go to the ER. The nurse still on the line. She remembed standing in the bathroom to remove her pad when suddenly the most horrifying sight made itself known as the fetus in its fist shaped gestational sac fell out of her and onto the floor.

She screamed. She thought she would never stop screaming.

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Miscarriage- Don’t be ashamed

April 19, 2009

There is a standard three month rule I grew up hearing: Don’t tell people you are expecting until three months because your risk of miscarriage is highest before three months.

But why don’t you want people to know? Is it because you’re ashamed or because its difficult to “untell” all the people you told.

Personally, it killed me to tell my brothers and parents that I miscarried because of the excitement I’d heard in their voicse when I first told them I was pregnant. It hurt to hear the sadness. I realize it was concern for me, but I felt sad for the hopes they had raised.

However- people have been my support. Those who know have written me and called and sent flowers and these small acts of kindness have helped me survive.

There is no need to be ashamed. Its a horrible miserable tragedy. But like any other issue such as a broken bone, or an amputated arm, its not your fault and you have no reason to feel ashamed.

I wish all women who miscarried, all one out of four of us would speak out and tell others so that we could all turn to each other.

I read a statistic that one million American women miscarry each year.

You would’nt know it from the crickets chirping on the subject.

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Grief

April 17, 2009

I hate grieving because grieving won’t bring him back. Grief will not suddenly inspire a child where there is none within me. Grieving is pointless it won’t do anything. Yet the grief comes and assaults me, beating me up, reminding me again and again and again and again of what I lost and what will never be mine again. November 3 will not be my due date. This child that was a part of me, this child that died will never come back again. I will never again have a first moment to hear the joy in my brothers voices as they congratulate me. These thoughts do nothing; they merely hurt like a pin prick deep within my veins.

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Heartbreak after a miscarriage

April 17, 2009

When you read about heart break you don’t fully realize that heart break is not a one time occurrence. Your heart does not simply splinter and fall apart, broken like a precious vase on the floor. No, if it only it were so simple. Heart break is much like a miscarriage. In fact, they are synonymous. You shatter first and it’s the most painful cut to be sure. I never had my heart broken for until now I never understood what the tired cliché meant. Now I do. It’s a painful splintering deep within your soul. It is a piece of yourself falling apart with a physical excruciating slowness. It’s like an explosion within myself, my heart is bleeding between my legs.

At times you think you are over it, you are past it. Your heart is fully broken and now you can get on with the business of mending, and then a phone call or a memory will seize you and you feel more pieces of your soul splintering off, crushing into dust. You are hit as though it just happened and you begin to wonder when the memories will stop cycling through your mind in such a maddening way.