Archive for April, 2008

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Spotting? No one said anything about spotting!

April 30, 2008

I never spot. The way I get a period is like this: One minute I don’t have it. The next minute. Whoosh. I do. Sorry for the graphic but its TRUE! Today… I’m spotting BUT: I NEVER spot! Oh and yes, took a Pregnancy Test: BFN. I only have one left. I guess I’ll take it if I’m still w/out a period by Monday. Interestingly, I want my period to come. The BFN are depressing and I believe them. I hate feeling nauseous. Today I nearly threw up twice. And knowing Im not pregnant, makes it not something I’m just cool with. Plus, the sooner I get my cycle restarted… the sooner I can try again. This interminable wait. That is the hard part. Tomorrow is day 39 and that is the longest I’ve had a cycle. We shall see…..

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Hope- Dang Hope

April 30, 2008

I was looking through the POAS website and read this:

5. Can I still be pregnant if the test is negative (have a “false negative”)? In a word, yes. You could be testing too early (before your baby is making enough pregnancy hormone to be detected by the test.) And some women (this is fairly rare, but possible) never get a positive urine test even when they’re definitely pregnant (for some reason the hormone doesn’t make it into their urine.) I have a friend who didn’t get a positive HPT until 25 DPO! (With her second baby, a test at 23 DPO was negative . . . but a test on 30 DPO was positive. Oddly enough, with #3, her positive test came at only 12 DPO.) If you get a negative test but think you might be preggo anyway, wait a couple of days (giving the hCG hormone time to build up) and try again. It’s not over until the fat lady sings– and your period crashes the party.

I like that! Not over till the period crashes the party!

Hope. So beautiful. Yet so soul crushing in the same breath eh?

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Day 37

April 30, 2008

Day 35 and 36 I felt period like cramping as though a period was actually there. I had to lay down to deal with the pain, but nothing. Today is day 37 and for a moment I felt the “You are getting your period” moment which makes you flee to the bathroom with a pad in hand, but nothing. I was a bit troubled this morning as I made eggs and suddenly felt a severe sharp shooting pain in my abdomen. It felt as though someone had stuck a sharp needle there and twisted it for a few minutes. OUCH. My boobs are…. eh… I feel like I have forgotten how they are supposed to look, they’ve been sightly big for some time now. 39 days seems to be my longest cycle. I will wait until I hit day 39. Then I will call the doctor. This isn’t a TWW anymore. This is well beyond Three weeks now.

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Tivo and my Uterus, and the fact that they’re in cahoots.

April 29, 2008

At first I thought it was a coincidence. “How nice” I had thought when clicking the “Tivo Suggested” Friends episode it recorded. Until I watched it and it was the one where Monica and Chandler find out they are infertile. Um OK. I also did not find it amusing when it recorded a Sixty Minutes type show on the “Epidemic of Infertility”

Does Tivo know something I don’t? Is it trying to brace me for the shock? Or is Tivo just mean?

Just as I was contemplating tossing my Tivo to the curb [I kid- the thing is pricey, I would likely have just dealt with its abuse] I saw it had recorded a Dharma and Greg episode. Didn’t even know that was still on! So I click and watch it and though utterly irrelevant to my situation, she said one thing which struck me.

“Come on Greg. Having a baby or making cheese takes time and patience, but by being patient and understanding how hard it can be, it just makes it that much more beautiful once you enjoy the fruits ofy our labor”

Tivo, if this was a white flag of hope you made my way. I tentatively accept.

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A post about work

April 28, 2008

Well this is not a pregnancy related post but I just have to say that I hate living in a box. Yes, I said it. I am sitting right now in a window less box. (i.e. I am at work). I know that this is life and I’m luckier than many to have a job but I can’t help but point out that considering the job I do involves helping the needy, why do I have to work like a mutant drone.

A coworker who I’ve expressed my displeasure regarding my job with has asked me to point out what is it that I hate about my job. I hate the commute. I hate the schedule of 9-5 and sitting in a windowless box. I like what I do, I hate how it must be done. I’m not sure what I can do that about.

Maybe I should start playing the lottery. I would probably still do the type of work I do, but I guess then, I could call the shots on my work environment.

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To Chart or not to Chart. That is the Question.

April 28, 2008

When I had asked my OB-GYN about charting and taking ovulation kits to test my prime fertility moments she had advised I not do this. “This will take all the joy out of conceiving and you will find yourself completely stressed out”.

Hmm…. but if I’m already there, does it hurt to go ahead and check and plot and outline? I don’t know. I heard that tracking your fertility can help you conceive easier, but at the same time, I know that if we were to do the BD every other day beginning 14 days after my cycle began, I’d have covered the days that the ovulation kit would indicate. So is there really a need? I’m not sure.

On one hand, charting your basal temperature, taking ovulation strips to determine prime fertility, and checking your Cervical Mucus regularly, gives you a sort of “something to do” while you wait, and can perhaps help you not be quite as emotional over the process as you simply get focused on the procedure and the methods. But at the same time, I don’t know if I want to do this yet.

Oh, and 36 days on my cycle with no AF. Not that I’m counting. Right.

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Almost day 35

April 27, 2008

Serious PMS pains. But AF isn’t here yet. Jack is convinced I am pregnant. He is convinced I have a glow to me. I wonder to myself. Was I pregnant perhaps? My symptoms were unlike any I ever experienced, and my boobs seriously grew. I have a spouse who can verify this and bras that suddenly felt tight. I had headaches unlike I ever got. So was I pregnant? Did I drink too much tea? I read that the reason caffeine is bad is because a baby’s heartbeat is so fast that when you raise your own heartbeat so much you can give the baby a heart attack. Well, something like that. I haven’t been to worried because i don’t think any hypothetical baby has a heartbeat yet. Its still a bunch of cells. I think. AND my heart rate is remarkably low. 33-45 resting. If it goes up a little its still not going to go to high levels that trouble me. Did I do something wrong?

But I digress. Jack is convinced. My mom is convinced. But how can I tell them that negative pregnancy tests mean something at 20 days post ovulation? that I feel my breasts losing tenderness though they are still more dense than I have ever felt them? But beyond these, I can feel my period coming. I know its coming. I know I am not just as much as I thought I knew that I was three weeks ago.

In some ways I want AF to hurry up and come so the next cycle can begin. In other ways, I know that not only will I be disappointed my family will too. And that hurts most of all.