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Being a Zombie

April 30, 2009

I spoke with a co-worker today about something work related to which they said so you’re just a zombie, part of the living dead. That resonated with me. Many days, this is how I feel. I am a living zombie. I wake up. I brush my teeth. I wash my hair. I spend time with friends. I work. I watch television. I read. I laugh. I smile. I hug. I kiss. But inside, I’m still in a daze. There are moments- where the pain subsides for a few minutes, or hours; these remind me of who I was. A joke that slips out naturally, a thought about Oh I better return that library book and feeling an urgency to complete the task. But otherwise- I feel as though I am looking but not seeing, touching but not feeling, hearing but not truly understanding my life around me. Sometimes it feels as though it is only through tears that I am alive. When those moments hit me, when I realize what I lost and pain sears through me like a stake through the heart, I feel close to my truest self. I am not a robot. I am seeing, feeling, and understanding a loss more real to me than anything else. I am sure there will come a time when I won’t have to take each day one day at a time. I won’t have be proud that i made it through one day without falling apart in a meeting or over lunch. I wonder when that day will be.

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