Posts Tagged ‘OBGYN’

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Lovenox *gulp*

August 28, 2009

After my first loss I asked my doctor to run any tests she had to find out why. She was kind of enough to oblige though I’ve heard some docs won’t run these until three or more. While waiting for these results I got pregnant again. She called me 5 weeks into my pregnancy and asked me to take a baby aspirin because I tested positive for lupus anticoagulent and referred me to a maternal fetal specialist to discuss lovenox. He ordered a series of 15 tests on me.  In the meantime I lost that pregnancy. A few days after the loss I learned my lupus anticoagulent was now negative though there were other numbers that were borderline high. She said next time I got pregnant to get lovenox immediately upon a positive test. True to her word as soon as I called in she wrote me a prescription for lovenox.

I waited to fill my appointment until the next day because I had an appointment with a hematologist. He said he didn’t think lovenox was medically necessary for me and that I should wait two weeks for him to run some more tests on me. I asked him why did I test positive for lupus first go around, and then negative the next go around. He said sometimes lupus anticoagulent follows one pregnancy but not another. I asked him if now I was safe in this pregnancy, he said I can’t be certain. So while he said I didn’t need to take lovenox he did say that if my OB  felt I should, I can go ahead and take it. I began leaning towards taking it since the thought of this lupus thing coming and going like an apparition trying to steal my pregnancies freaked me out. But I still hesitated. Dr. F said not necessary and he’s an expert on all things blood. Jack thought I should wait out the two weeks.

After fretting for sometime someone advised me the obvious: ask you OBGYN. The hematolist may be a blood doc but he works with cancer, this is a recurrent pregnancy loss issue, you should trust the people who work with the preggo people. So I e-mailed my OB-GYN last night and she said she wanted me on it on the advice of the maternal fetal specialist.

I’m freaking out now. I am hoping by listing my fears they’ll seem less scary:

1) Lovenox costs $1,000/month. My insurance covered it this go aroud but I’m switching insurance in October because my job ends. What if the new insurance gives me problems?
2) I got a positive pregnancy test TUESDAY at 13dpo. Now its FRIDAY 16dpo. I didn’t start too late did I? I’m so upset that I waited. I should’ve gone with my instinct and just started stabbing myself with the needles as soon as they were ordered. The hematologist just confused me. UGH. It’s always better safe than sorry.

Nope, still scared. Please don’t let it be too late. Please don’t let it be too late.

Anyone have any advice on how to take Lovenox?

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Planning

August 26, 2009

Thank you for your well wishes on my previous post. I’d be lost without you.  My coping mechanisms surprise me. I expected to panic. I feel a bit pensive but very calm. I hope this feeling remains.

I see the hematologist tomorrow to talk about Lovenox. My OBGYN already called in the ‘script. I’m scared of side effects but we’ll see what the hematologist says. Jack thinks I should get my HCG and progesterone drawn to determine the viability of this pregnancy. A part of me considers this, but a larger part shakes its head no. Waiting for those results, the lack of sleep, staring at the phone, anxious shallow breathing- it was brutal.  I don’t want to go through it again. True the results could comfort me but I dread that wait. I don’t know if I can do that wait. The OBGYN’s office asked to schedule a confirmation visit. I stalled. Confirmation visit: pee on a stick, get brochures on pregnancy, have a pelvic exam where you’re told its too soon to see a heartbeat on the u/s so come back in two weeks. No thanks. I’m already getting the meds. I’m considering scheduling a visit in three weeks when we’d find a heart beat. My goal is to stay as peaceful as possible. Any tips on how you find peace much appreciated.

I e-mailed the RE to cancel next week’s appointment. My two word response: ok. canceled. I felt taken aback. No good luck? No, that’s good news? They deal with IF day in day out so I thought they’d give a friendlier response. I never felt more like a canceled business transaction before.

The evening is drawing to a close and I glance at my pregnancy test. I’m struck by the first thought that comes to mind as I look at the two bars. Will this time be it? Have I paid enough? Am I absolved? I’m surprised by these thoughts, but this year has felt like a sort of purgatory where I sit and wonder what I did. I hope the lovenox works. I hope an earlier egg is a fresher egg. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope my penance is complete.

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Slapped

August 18, 2009

Sara and I have been best friend since 8th grade. Though we went to different colleges, and now live in different cities, we remained close talking on the phone every week and visiting at least twice a year.  I don’t have many close friends and I cherished her presence in my life.

Sara is an OBGYN resident. In January 2008 when we began TTC I told her my fears of PCOS. She brushed the idea away and told me to wait a year. She was my best friend and an OB-GYN so I said okay. A few months later I told her I planned to switch doctors because progesterone induced cycles seemed pointless if I had a deeper issue. I didn’t think the doctor knew what she was doing. I wrote about it here but to sum it up Sara got pissed and told me that there’s nothing I can do about what’s happening. I should stick with the doctor and maybe in a year seek diagnosis and if I can’t have kids so be it, its just not in our control what happens to us. I was thrown off by this conversation. In 17 years she’d never snapped at me like this. I told myself she had my best interest at heart and agreed with her. Luckily some IF bloggers e-mailed me vehemently disagreeing with my friend and urging me to switch doctors and try getting diagnosed. Thanks to these bloggers I met different doctors until I found one I trusted and was diagnosed with PCOS.

I felt confused by Sara. I had textbook PCOS and she’s an OBGYN. After the diagnosis I told her I had PCOS. Her response was oh, followed by silence. Then she said she had to go. Okay, fine. She’s my friend, not my doctor, but I felt hurt by her response. No words of sympathy, just awkward silence. I told myself I shouldn’t hold this against her but I found it harder to call her or return her messages.  Four months went by. In the meantime I got pregnant and had my first miscarriage. The day of my miscarriage she had left a message saying it’d been a while. I thought of her and how close we’d been. I called her back. She said she was sorry to hear and I knew she genuinely felt bad for me even though she didn’t know what to say. We changed topics to other things such as what she planned to specialize in once her residency ended and that’s when it happened:

Sara: Sometimes I consider going into RE. Its good hours and lots of money.
Kate: You should definitely do it!
Sara: But then I don’t know because I don’t believe in it. I can’t practice RE in good conscience.
Kate: Why not?
Sara: Because if you can’t have a kid you shouldn’t and I’m sick of people trying to fight nature, living unhealthy lifestyles, and then coming to me to try and get pregnant.

I felt for a few moments like I could not breathe.You have to understand Sara. She has a gentle lilt in her voice and wears pink skirts and has a hello kitty phone. Never could I imagine these words coming from her mouth. She made this comment so nonchalantly I just sat there like an idiot unable to formulate a sentence.

That was in May. She’s called a few times since then and left messages but I have not returned her calls. I know she’s upset that I’m bad at keeping in touch. She has no clue how her words affected me. Jack asked me the other day You and Sara were so close you haven’t called her in the longest. I told him what happened but he said Sara is a good person and I shouldn’t end things with her. Maybe in this one area she sucks as a friend but that doesn’t negate her as a whole being. He said she’s all alone in Chicago and maybe she’s frustrated and took it out on you. Besides she doesn’t understand because she doesn’t have IF issues that she knows of yet.

But if my friend gets hit by a truck I’m not going to say people should be careful where they walk because I don’t know what it feels like to be hit by a truck. I don’t know what to do.Thanks to her I wasted a lot of time TTC in vain but I could get over that since she isn’t my doctor so I can’t blame her for giving me bad advice. But her last comment, I don’t know how to get past that. I really don’t want to let a 17 year old friendship go down the tubes but I don’t even know how to confront her and frankly, I don’t want to confront her. She called and left a message today, annoyed that I hadn’t called her in months. I know the right thing to do is tell her how I feel but I’m under enough pressure as it is with everything that’s happening, the thought of that ugly confrontation wipes me out before I begin.  I wish I knew what to do.

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Co-existing with infertility

August 16, 2009

Sitting in the doctor’s office after my last miscarriage, Jack on one side of me, the doctor on the other, I felt as if I was part of an intervention. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jack said shaking his head and patting my hand. Dr. D nodded, In your life when you put your mind to something you’ve accomplished it, but in this matter there’s a lot that’s out of our control. She’s right. Since I was a child, the lessons imparted to me by my parents, teachers, society, was If you work hard enough you can achieve your dreams. And this was true, until now.

In the realm of infertility and pregnancy loss, I can take my Metformin to keep my insulin in check. I can pop the baby aspirin to thin my blood so it won’t strangle a future fetus. I can take the prenatals and make sure I’m eating a balanced baby friendly diet. I can try Clomid. IUI. IVF. I can jump on to lovenox after a positive pregnancy test. I can work as hard as I can and while I should keep my feet moving I have no control over whether any of this will work. This is hard to accept. Perhaps this is why I start sign hunting by checking my boobs, debating the degree of nausea and exhaustion during each two week wait. But sign hunting won’t give me the end result, its just a maddening way to waste two weeks (and in my case often longer) of your life.

Things such as sign hunting and the devastation that follows when you see blood made me think of stepping out of the baby making game for a while until I had my head in the right place emotionally. I told my therapist this thinking he’d agree because if anyone knows how much of a wreck IF has made me, it should be him. I was surprised when he disagreed. You’re in the game and I think you should keep moving, you need to learn to handle the challenges better but I don’t think you will take a time out. I think its an intellectual exercise to debate whether you should or not, you’re too deep in to step back. I think he’s right. I could never stop. The challenge for me is not taking some time off, but learning how to co-exist with my infertility. To walk side by side with this challenge and not let it wear me and turn me into a one dimensional person.

In an effort to co-exist with my IF I decided to focus on things in my control, so I can keep on moving on in this journey but not be paralyzed emotionally while I do so.

No more Sign Hunting. What do I get out of checking my boobs and gauging my levels of exhaustion? If I’m pregnant I am and I’ll find out soon enough. Some people say its good to have your hopes up and be positive. Maybe this works for some, but for me getting my hopes up means they are crushed in a bloody heap at the end of the cycle. Most people get that a miscarriage is sad, but most non-IFers don’t get that the end of a cycle that did not work is heartwrenching too. It is also a loss. I’m not sure how I’m going to succeed here but I’m not googling for signs and symptoms anymore and the goal is to firmly tell myself not to read into things when the urge strikes. If that means chanting a mantra you’re not pregnant, stop it! or Google is not a fortune teller. So be it.

Focus on the things I have control over like . . .

My fitness and nutrition. Exercising burns adrenaline and calms me but when I’m stressed or depressed the last thing I want to do is go for a run. My neighborhood is full of rolling hills and my plan is to stick on the iPod and power walk. I’m also considering yoga. With PCOS losing weight is challenging but its possible. Its time I took greater control.

My hobbies. I love to read. Scrapbook. Try new recipes. Write poetry (of questionable merit).  Instead of imploring Dr. Google to predict my future status of motherhood I will do things I enjoy.

My writing. Though my writing is technically a hobby at the moment since I’m not paid to do it, I have a finished manuscript that I’m revising one last time before submitting to agents. Since the miscarriage issues I’ve neglected it entirely. I need to update my query letters, and pursue this dream.

Reflecting. A dear friend reminded me how important it is  to take advantage of silence and down time to contemplate and reflect. When she first suggested this I wondered what I needed to reflect on or contemplate, but after a few days of plugging out for a few hours from TV, music, cell phone and internet and just taking a walk, or making dinner in silence I saw what she meant. The world comes into sharper focus. I realized its hard to really think clearly when you’re always plugged in. This act of taking time out for silence each day is helping me in ways I could never have anticipated from the simplest areas of appreciating things I never thought to appreciate such as the brilliant orange of a carrot I’m cutting for dinner, the sound of its crispness as I slice through it, the sweet flavor of homegrown tomatoes. Being plugged in, you can end up just doing things by rote and not realizing.  It’s not always easy to co-exist with silence because sometimes thoughts that are unpleasant that I’ve tried running from also make themselves known, but now at least I can begin tackling these thoughts instead of pushing them away, because the truth is, even if we don’t think about things and reflect, they are still there, poking us under the surface, stealing our peace of mind.

My Marriage. Its easy to take Jack for granted. He’s my best friend and he’s always there for me. While I’ve gotten better about dumping all my IF issues on him, I still can’t forget when he said he wanted his wife back. I hope as I try to flesh out the other parts of me that go beyond my desire for motherhood, Jack will see his wife returning. I cannot control all aspects of my marriage but I can control my end of things.

I hope by focusing on the areas of my life I have some measure of control over, I can take away the tunnel vision on IF that has taken over my life. I accept that no matter how much control I take over my life, IF sucks and failed cycles will always hurt, I just hope that I will bounce back faster and not allow IF to take over all of my life. The best I am praying for is it to co-exist with my infertility and not let it wear me as it has for two years.

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Officially Unpregnant

August 13, 2009

My HCG results were so low they’re negative! exclaimed the nurse. When I get sick I bounce back very fast. The doctor used to say your body reacts fast to pathogens, it won’t tolerate any intruders. I process this information, and marvel at how good my body is at this thing, like a bouncer at an elite club dealing with an undesirable mess, quickly ridding itself of all evidence of the dirty deed. Next time around I’ll have to put my little bean on the “all access VIP list” and hope my body parts the velvet rope.

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Clomid. Progesterone. Bloodwork. Oh My!

August 5, 2009

My doctor called today with the results of the panel of tests my maternal fetal specialist ordered to investigate my lupus anticoagulant disorder. The results were funky. The lupus anticoagulant test came back normal which confused my doctor and me. Her theory is that either I’m borderline and the test got me on a good day, or the aspirin is helping fix that issue. Four tests came back bad and I wish I knew the names but they were so convoluted I got confused, however those four clotting disorders that were present increase the risk of miscarriage. My next step is to see a hematologist and go over the results with them and see if they recommend anything above and beyond lovenox or heparin and if this will affect me beyond just getting and staying pregnant. She can’t refer me to a hematologist since I’m no longer pregnant so now I get to go through some insurance fun to figure out my recommendation. Fun times!

As much as I know I should avoid Dr. Google, he’s just always there for me. I’ve been doing some research on the link between PCOS and low progesterone and the results seem to be mixed. Some say that PCOS causes low progesterone which can cause miscarriages. Some say this theory is rubbish. My progesterone levels at 5 weeks pregnant were 9.5 which my doctor said was low. However, the question is: Did the low progesterone cause the miscarriage, or was the pregnancy doomed hence the progesterone low? The reason I’m researching is because I’m considering taking Clomid next cycle. Until now I’ve gotten pregnant twice on Metformin alone but my ovulations happened on crazy cycle days like CD29 and CD40. To be effective progesterone supplements must be taken immediately upon ovulation. Clomid would help us predict ovulation and thus when to take progesterone supplements. So my goal with Clomid is to be able to time my progesterone supplements.

In my OB’s opinion she didn’t think progesterone supplements did anything but it never hurts to take them so she fully supports a Clomid/progesterone cycle if it will ease my worries. She encouraged me to talk to the RE in September to get a more informed opinion.

I’m already taking more pills than an 84 year old grandmother so the thought of adding more pills if I don’t have to is causing me confusion. There are side effects to clomid I’ve read such as decreased EWCM and occasional implantation issues, so if I dont have to take it then I don’t want to [though my ovulation is so unpredictable there is a huge thought of comfort that with Clomid at least I’d most likely ovulate]. I’m just so confused about whether or not progesterone does in fact save pregnancies, or if my issue is just the clotting issue which lovenox could resolve.

Have you used Clomid? Or had low progesterone but successful pregnancies via Lovenox? Any thoughts or advice on any of this that you might have would be much appreciated.

**And by the way- My boobs are aching. I feel ready to sleep at 9pm and have to drag myself out at 8am. I have waves of nausea! Is this normal post-miscarriage? I thought all this stuff should be going away, not to mention I didn’t have them when I was actually pregnant!

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My doctor and the plan

July 30, 2009

I’m still recovering from having passed out as I did. I’ve passed out before but never like this. Jack acts like he’s seen a ghost. I’m worried about some chest pains I’m having, I wish I knew when its serious enough to seek immediate help. I have a mild heart condition (Mild mitrovalve prolapse and Type I AV Nodal Block) so I’ll certainly call my cardiologist tomorrow, I just hope its nerves getting to me and nothing more.

I went to see my OB-GYN today, and we talked about coming up with a plan. I told her that next go around I want progesterone as soon as I ovulate but I never know when I ovulate. She read my mind and offered the following two plans:

a) TTC naturally again and as soon as I get pregnant start lovenox and progesterone.

b) When I’m ready, as soon as I get my period I will go in for her to check my ovaries, and then start me on estrogen meds,  and then Clomid and then progesterone. This will ensure that I will have the progesterone from the get go and will be able to get a positive pregnancy test in a reasonable TWW so I can start the lovenox ASAP.

We’re still waiting for a more complex battery of tests that should come back in a week or two which may mean I will need more meds or more evaluation. Right now I’m leaning towards plan B. Jack wants to start TTC in October. I kind of want to start in September, but maybe two months off is not a bad idea. We still plan to see the RE in September and see what he has to offer.

I am feeling very hopeful. A feeling that’s coming of its own accord without my prodding and reasoning my way into it. I grieve the loss of my miscarriages and the babies for whom I held such dreams and hopes. I will always miss them. Still, I am grateful to know why it possibly happened. Next time we will have more knowledge and perhaps this knowledge will result in a baby I can hold in my arms and cherish. Perhaps. It is this word within which all hope and prayers hinge on.

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Fears of insomnia, etc. **Updated**

July 30, 2009

All my life I’ve been blessed with the ability to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  Lately I toss and turn each night and then relocate to the couch watching reruns and researching miscarriages, PCOS, lupus anticoagulant, anything and everything I can find. I havent slept before 3am in over a week and its catching up to me. It’s approaching midnight now and I know it will be another sleepless night. I hate the dark thoughts that whisper to me in bed, and I fear the uncertainty of not knowing what the morning will bring.

Today was a tough day physically. I’ve been having sharp contractions. I’m taking Lortab a painkiller and its having wonky side effects. I took it last miscarriage and felt fine, but this time I’m feeling nauseous, dizzy, tired and very drugged. I couldn’t drive to work, so I thought at least I’d clean up since my parents are coming into town tomorrow, but I couldn’t do anything except curl up in bed. I am afraid to take Lortab again, its a debate at the moment between the painful contractions as tissue is expelled through my body, or the feeling of being heavily drugged. I have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow afternoon. We spoke yesterday when she called in my pain killer prescription she said I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell you for sure what caused your miscarriage but next time you’ll get Lovenox from the get go. We’re still waiting for lab results for a comprehensive test the Maternal Fetal Specialist ran on my blood to determine what other disorders I have. I want to know if there’s testing that’s available to know if I have low progesterone levels, and what can I do if I do have low levels considering most experts say you must start supplements as soon as you ovulate and me with my PCOS never know when/if ovulation occured.

Emotionally I’m doing better. I’m trying to battle my dark thoughts. I’m telling myself that 30 is not too late, I still have time and shouldn’t lose hope (right??).  My parents are coming tomorrow. I’m afraid of crying too much around them. I just feel like I’ve disappointed them and seeing them reminds me of this. I know that’s not the case but just thinking about it makes my eyes well with tears. I wish I could kick this unhealthy guilt.

Finally, I’ve been humbled to read Michele‘s blog. She’s been commenting on my blog as I wade through my darkest days and only today did I realize how much more she herself is going through right now.  Every day I’m amazed at how strong you all are. You comfort me and give me support in the midst of your own fears and unique heartaches. I don’t think I can say it enough, thanks.

**Updated to Add**: Holy shit. I woke up this morning around 6:15 to take a shower and see my therapist at 7am before going to work. I woke up feeling a weird coat of sweat on me and kind of shivering, then suddenly I had an overwhelming desire to vomit but I couldn’t, but I wanted to, its the most terrible place to be. So I think to myself that a shower will help so I turn the shower on, and the next thing I know I’m lying on the floor and Jack is on the phone with 911 screaming wake up wake up honey wake up. Apparently I passed out in the bathroom but fell backwards hitting my head against the bathroom doors and landed with a thump on the floor. I don’t know how long I was out for but apparently long enough for Jack to rush over and see if I was okay and call 911. I still remember hearing his voice as I was coming to, not knowing where I was, what was happening.  I looked up the side effects of Lortab and one of the serious ones is nausea, dizziness, clamminess, and fainting. Clearly I won’t be taking any more of these painkillers but I wanted to post this for anyone considering taking Lortab, monitor yourself closely or ask for a different pill.

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Notes from the roller coaster, doctor updates

July 23, 2009

Stalking works, it seems. My doctor called me back after an e-mail message and two voice messages. She said she is very confused by the falling HCG but the developing on schedule fetus. However, she said this is good.  I am pregnant and the HCG dropping means diddly squat in light of my heart beating fetus. She does not think I need to retest HCG anymore and we should just monitor the fetus on ultrasound. So to summarize: I am not miscarrying. Yet. I hate saying the word yet but I’ve been down this road before and I know that though they tell me a heartbeat reduces my risk of a miscarriage to 2%, I’ve been the 2%er before. I will remain with bated breath until that child is in my arms.

I called my maternal fetal specialist to get my labwork transferred to my OB’s office since my insurance won’t pay for work done at the specialists. The specialist wants to re-test me for Lupus Anticoagulant and a host of other clotting related issues. If present I’ll be put on heparin/lovenox. Here’s my issue, the tests take about two weeks to come back and that will put me at 8 weeks which is around the time the baby died last time (though I miscarried week 11). I asked them if they could just start me on lovenox and then take me off if the tests were fine, but they said they can’t do that.

They drew my HCG yesterday and so here is how its reading so far: June 16: 3,500; June 20: 3,000; June 22: 3,014

The specialist said the results are meaningless and from now on lets just go by what the ultrasound shows us and not worry about the HCG levels.  He scheduled one for a week from now. I might be harsh here, but easy to say when its not your baby.  I thought HCG levels rise to maintain your pregnancy so if mine aren’t, how am I supposed to shrug and laugh that off? I don’t understand it. How is this meaningless? What if they fall?

Jack has been so strong for me through this whole ordeal. Yesterday though, as we sat over dinner just staring at each other in befuddlement, I said to him our little one reminds me of you. He laughed, oh yeah? how so? I said, she’s a fighter. She doesn’t care about those HCG levels she’s too focused on growing. She’s stubborn like her dad. He winced and went slightly pale. What’s wrong? I asked him. He shook his head When you say things like that it makes it so much harder for me. To know that the baby is fighting to stick around . . . if this doesn’t work out I’ll be crushed. It was surprising to see how emotional he got. Sometimes I forget he is dealing with a lot too.

After my crushing heartbreak on Tuesday, I never imagined I would tell anyone that it seems I am not miscarrying after all, but that seems to be the case. There is still a long road ahead. I have six more excruicating weeks of a first trimester to get through and as any of you IF sisters know, we can’t breathe easy until we’re holding our baby in our arms. I just have to say I never thought my sunflower miracle would really be this miraculous. If this pregnancy succeeds her nursery is going to look like a field of sunflowers. Even if its a boy! Wow, just writing that makes me tense up. To imagine a future nine months from now frightens me. I’m so scared to dream because I’m so scared to fall.

Finally, thank you again so so so so so much for your support and your prayers and your thoughts. Like I’ve said before, no one really knows in my real life and had I not your support and your encouragement and advice I would feel all alone. Thank you for reading and for commenting and for sharing my burden with me. I cannot thank you guys enough, you will never know how your comments kept me afloat as I feared sinking to the bottom of the ocean floor.

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Back to square . . . WHAT? Visiting the maternal fetal specialist

July 22, 2009

I didn’t want to go to the maternal fetal specialist today to discuss my lupus anticoagulant disorder. It felt too painful to go discuss “the next pregnancy” when it should have been a “this pregnancy” conversation. Still, Jack urged me to go, my Dr. urged me to go. So I went. I got there and they said we’ll be doing an ultrasound. I shook my head. My HCG is going down I’ve been told I’ve miscarried, this is just a for future reference meeting. They insisted they had to do an ultrasound since its standard procedure. Cursing them under my breath I went into the ultrasound room. They tried to do it abdominally. I looked at the tech like she’s crazy but she said Well your LMP was May 13. I nodded but I have PCOS so that doesn’t tell you anything. She asked me How far along were you supposed to be? I sighed, About six weeks. So she does the vaginal ultrasound. We see the womb. We see the little sac. We see what is an embryo. I feel emotional as I look at what could have been and again curse them for making my loss more real. Then, she says, Yep you’re right, its measuring at 6 weeks 1 day and the heart beat is 104 bmp which is normal at this stage.

Um. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?! I kept asking her if it was a mistake, how could this be. I was told I’m miscarrying. I was told not to do an ultrasound yesterday because there’d be nothing to see and you’re telling me that there is a baby in there with a HEARTBEAT and is growing ON SCHEDULE?

The doctor was wonderfully evasive. I got no straight answer. He said its the fetus is in the right place. The fluid is wonderful. The ovaries are marvelous. Had he not known about the HCG he’d tell me I had a less than 1% chance to miscarry. Except well, there is that HCG test that told me instead of doubling my levels were FALLING!!! He took my blood work for another HCG. He said if the numbers keep falling I will have a miscarriage but the fact is that so far the baby is growing according to schedule. I guess no one told it the numbers were falling. He said it happens sometimes. I told him I HAVE NO SYMPTOMS. I don’t wake up to pee in the middle of the night. I feel lovely! He said while it can be a factor, he pointed to my ultrasound and said, that’s the most conclusive data.

My head is throbbing and I’m shaking. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I called my doctor’s office but they scheduled me for two weeks from now? You’re fucking kidding me right? I just sent her an e-mail and we’ll see what she says. The specialist said I am cautiously hopeful for you. I wish I knew what *I* should feel right now. I crashed so low last night. I fell into the deepest caverns of despair and now you’re telling me maybe? This is the appropriate word for emotional roller coaster.

Now I’m supposed to wait for HCG results tomorrow. I’m so exhausted, so drained, so confused, so befuddled, so perplexed I don’t know whether to cry, or laugh, or smile or just pass out from the sheer emotional weight that all of this has.

Has ANYONE heard of this happening?

*Updated to add*: Why did my OB-GYN’s office tell me don’t worry about taking more HCG tests? Wouldn’t you think they’d be frantically trying to retest? I’m so confused.

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It’s Tuesday. Still Waiting.

July 21, 2009

I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t work. I’m sitting here just staring at this phone willing it to ring. Will I have an u/s today or will I not? What is the fate of my future? Will I hold a child in March? Or will we be waiting for blood and the long road of TTC again. My body feels wound, tightly like those wind up dolls of my youth. One more turn of the dial and I break. Jack is amazed at how well I’m handling this. He doesn’t know I’m not handling it well at all but this time I’m keeping it to myself. No sense in dumping on someone who is equally nervous though not as vocal or obviously nutty. Ring phone, ring, and tell me only sweet things.

Updated to add: The nurse just told me the report is on the doctor’s desk but she’s in surgery until at least 1pm. I can’t get the results until at least then.

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Beta and Progesterone Results Are In

July 17, 2009

I got a call from a doctor in the practice and my beta and progesterone levels are in.

HCG: 3500

Progesterone: 9.5

Shit. HCG is inconclusive since she said Monday they’ll do another test to see if they’re rising. But the Progesterone is scary because its borderline low. Healthy prog. levels are 15 and above. I’m 9.5. I told her I’m taking progesterone suppostitories she said they are not known to have any effect at all, but I’m wondering are my levels 9.5, this borderline level and not EVEN LOWER because I am taking the progesterone supplements? She said low progesterone levels can indicate that a pregnancy is not going well, its hard to know.

Progesterone is the cause of most symptoms. This is perhaps why I am symptom free.

She told me not to panic and that things might be okay.

But to put it bluntly she essentially was trying to say: Prepare for another possible miscarriage, odds aint pretty.

Great weekend to come.

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Doctor Visit Update

July 16, 2009

Thanks to all of you who left me well wishes and urged me to climb down from the ledge I somehow perched myself upon. It’s true the diagnosis of PCOS, lupus anticoagulent disorder, low progesterone are good things so that this won’t happen again. I do get that, thanks for the reminder. The doctor visit went as expected though I had a mini-scare at the start of it. When pregnant when you walk into the exam room, they usually have a congrats brochure with information for new mothers. This time it wasn’t there. The nurse came in five minutes later and apologized that she forgot to put the brochure there. So yes, the test at the doctor’s office also confirmed my BFP. I’m being referred to a maternal fetal specialist to discuss whether I’ll get on lovenox or not. That should be early next week. Based on my uterus I’m only 4-5 weeks pregnant. I guess that makes sense since I had implantation bleeding about 3.5 weeks ago. She offered to do a beta test so I’ll find out tomorrow what my numbers are, and I’ll go in again on Monday for a follow-up beta. Tuesday is my first ultrasound to date this pregnancy. I really hope they find a heart beat.

It’s hard to get seen by my doctor but she rocks. Whenever I meet her I feel lucky she’s taking care of me because I trust her. I feel slightly better after the doctor’s visit. She told me I’d feel weird up until I passed the ten week mark when I lost the first pregnancy. I guess that’s natural. Regardless of how many nicknames I come up with, in the recesses of my mind the fear is going to lurk. My goal is to keep it in the recesses of my mind and not to allow it to  jump up and take center stage doing the river dance.

But just for the record, I’m pretty sure it’s a girl. 🙂

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The world feels like its tumbling: Why I miscarried

July 15, 2009

Like anyone else who miscarries I wanted to know why. After my miscarriage I asked the doctor to take some blood work to see if there’s any disorder predisposing me to miscarriage. I just got a call from my OB that one of my blood tests came back positive for lupus anticoagulent. Lupus. I know that this doesn’t mean I have lupus but I have this particular variation and this means that I have higher incidence of blood clotting. Women with lupus anticoaglant have higher risk of miscarriage. It is one of the common reasons for miscarriages to happen. The message from my doctor said to take a baby aspirin starting now and she’ll explain more at our appointment tomorrow.

First of all, she could not wait until tomorrow. She called to tell me to start ASAP.  This is urgent then. What if I’ve already lost my baby? What if it’s too late? I didn’t wake up last night to pee. I HAVE NO symptoms of pregnancy.

This means Speck was fine. He was healthy and okay and had no chromosomal abnormalities. **I** lost him. I mean, I know I didn’t do it on purpose but had he found life in someone else’s womb he would’ve been born and healthy and happy.  The blood clots seep into the placenta cutting off oxygen to the fetus. I read stories of other women like me with it, who had a heart beating little baby growing that died so close to the second trimester. And I might already be losing the new one growing within me. Meggomae once reminded me I’m already a mother. When I feel the pain I do at the thought of my baby suffocating due to lack of oxygen, the thought that he could have lived and died due to us not knowing. . . the pain is so raw that I do in that moment dare anyone to tell me I was not a mother.

I talked to my doctor just now and she told me this should be seen as a good thing since now we know. Lots of doctor don’t order these tests after one miscarriage, they say after two or three they’ll check. I’m grateful this wasn’t even an argument between me and my doctor and I’m grateful she tested me.  I told her I did not wake up to pee last night and I’m afraid I might have already miscarried. She said don’t think like that, and that its probably not too late.

Intellectually the odds are low I have already miscarried, but I had a 2% chance of miscarrying Speck when they found his strong heartbeat. Odds mean jackshit to me. She said she will feel my uterus to determine how far along I am and if I’m far along enough they’ll do an ultrasound. I’m also going to see a specialist to see what to do about my disorder. They might give me heparin, a self injection daily that thins the blood, but she wants a specialist to diagnose that. In the meantime I’m popping baby aspirins.

3 metformin tablets. 1 prenatal. 1 baby aspirin. 1 nightly dose of progesterone. I will hang upside down naked from a tree in my front yard if you can promise me I will have my baby healthy and happy in nine months. Keep the meds coming, just give me my baby.

FUCK. I really wish it wasn’t so fucking hard all the fucking time.

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OBGYN Update and advice

June 23, 2009

Thanks for all your well wishes and for your advice. I went to a different location to see my my doctor.  This office is located inside of a bigger building, a pediatrics building. Babies, everywhere. I was seated for my consult and looked out the open door. I was sitting across from the Ultrasound room. 22 weeks is about how far I would’ve been. You can guess the thought that went through my mind as I sat waiting.

The meeting went fine. She gave me  a progesterone  ‘script. She’s running blood work to check on what caused my miscarriage.  She told me to get an HSG done and for Jack to get a sperm analysis. Here’s my question: I got pregnant. So clearly the sperm is swimming and my fallopian tubes are open . . . right? Is this standard operating procedure? This is my tentative time line:

July: Get a period and get HSG test and SA done.

August: Get next period and start Clomid. Three Cycles on Clomid.

November: Clomid +IUI. Three Cycles.

February: Fertility Specialist.

She told me to exercise and watch what I eat. Check, and check. She told me to calm down and not stress too much [don’t you LOVE that nugget of advice] because that can affect when I ovulate.

I got off the phone with Jack and he started whining: I don’t want to get an SA. I almost broke down and started bawling. Really? Jacking off into a cup is too much for you? You want to get the HSG done?!? Then when I explained the process he was like Um, do you really want to do all that to have a baby? What the FUCK? I tried to keep my cool and said You told me you were fine with me seeing an RE. What did you think they were going to do? Read my tarot cards and give me herbs to wear on my head while I danced around a fire pit? He said he didn’t know. We’re supposed to talk about it over dinner tonight but I’m really afraid because I don’t want to fight. We’ve been really strong and together on this IF front and I don’t want to break down.

So I have a few questions to throw into the blogiverse:

1) If I have a chance for insurance to cover more if I stick with my OBGYN, what is the increased benefit that an RE would provide. I know that they’d be more knowledgable but if they’re going to give me clomid, IUI’s etc, then why not stick with the doctor I have and let insurance cover some of it?

2) Did any of you have HSG and SAs done post-miscarriage? I’m confused as to why I’d need this see we can clearly get a baby into my belly.

3) Have any of you had to convince your significant other to go through with procedures, etc? I hope I don’t have to go through any convincing, but if I do, do you have any advice for me? I think he’s just overwhelmed. He also doesn’t want it as bad as I do. He’s point blank told me: If we never have kids I’m okay with it though having a child will be wonderful. Some say this should comfort me, one person needs to be the rock. I don’t know, sometimes I agree, sometimes it makes me feel alone.

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My upcoming OBGYN visit

June 23, 2009

3:15 today I go to see my OBGYN. I’m nervous. Why are you nervous? Jack asked me this morning. I’ve thought about it. Why am I nervous. I don’t get any test results today.  It’s a consult. We’re just talking. I’ve thought about it and these are some of my reasons:

1. I’m afraid she won’t give me progesterone to induce my period. I’m on CD43. My longest cycle to date. In December when my period was delayed and I called to ask for it, she said no, that because I have PCOS I needed to just wait it out.

2. I’m afraid she’s going to tell me to wait three more cycles before giving me Clomid.

3. I’m afraid I’m not going to like her timeline for me in general.

4. I’m afraid she will retract her promise to test me for auto-immune issues, etc to determine a possible cause for my miscarriage.

5. I’m afraid that even if she agrees to work with me her time line is going to be very very long. It’s difficult to get fit in for appointments with her.

6. I have been having the weirdest things happening. Lower back pain. Things rumbling in my ovaries. My boobs swell from time to time. I’m afraid she will dismiss this all and give me no explanation.

7. I’m afraid I will break down seeing pregnant women around me, and remembering I’d be in my fifth month right now.

and . . .

8. I’ll  POAS and she’ll likely do a blood test to make sure I’m not pregnant. I know I’m not. I can tell myself this until I’m chanting like a Buddhist monk saying nothing but these words as my mantra, yet still, when she tells me: Negative. It’s going to sting like a slap. Am I the only one who not only feels sad when they see the BFN, but also embarrassed?

I am trying to accept my infertility, and the feeling of no control. The doctor has the control. She is my key to the one thing I want most in this world. I stare at her, a prisonor in my own body, asking for her help. We are so vulnerable at the doctor’s office. I know I will see an RE but today, its just a little stressful.

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Accepting Infertility

June 22, 2009

My posts reflect I reached a low point last week. I felt like my infertility had trapped me into a corner and I could not find my way out. When I sat with my therapist I blurted out in tears I can’t keep going on like this. If I continue feeling this way the results could be bad. He looked up with concern asking me what that meant. I hastened to tell him, I didn’t think suicidal thoughts, but the future seemed so frightening and bleak from where I stood in my journey that this blank space terrifed me to the point of emotional paralysis.

Friday, I decided I needed to do some soul searching. I took the day off work. I worked out. It felt good to sweat away the adrenaline. Each step on the pavement felt like I was pounding away my demons. I showered and then I lit some candles and prayed. Through my tears, I asked for a child. More importantly, I asked for peace. I warned God that my infertility has shaken my concept of Him. That though I prayed, my faith remained weaker than it once was. Then I meditated. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply and breathed out. I focused on my breath, the sound of the fan in the distance. The candles burned in the distance casting a beautiful glow in my shady afternoon bedroom.

Then, I felt it. Peace. A stillness in my heart that has eluded me for months. I felt no pain, no grief, just peace.

Later that evening as I read a book, a thought struck me with the force of a hammer thrown across the room. I saw my path. Yes, I thought, I am on the fourth week of my two week wait.  Yes, the pregnancy test Jack asked me to take this morning still says negative. But- I *will* get a period eventually. I will see my OBGYN Tuesday. Then I’m going to see an RE. I’m going to get a plan. I need to get out of the moment. The now in which my reality is: no period,  a missed month of trying, hormones that are not helping my emotions.

I think that this past year of TTC I have not accepted my condition. I have PCOS. I am not normal. I want children and my condition, without the right treatment, precludes that. I have been angry about my diagnosis. I have grieved each monthly cycle and the loss of hope it brought. I have felt like less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less of a daughter. I feel I have failed everyone around me. I have lamented my condition, but I did not accept that for better or worse PCOS is my condition to own. My doctor indirectly tries to put the blame of PCOS on me telling I should lose weight and it will magically disappear. But I’m only 10 pounds from my ideal BMI. I’m sick of carrying this guilt. I’m ready to let it go.

Coping with infertility is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I’m sure along the way I will fall. Thanks for reading and being there to lift me up.

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This and that

June 19, 2009

Thanks to advice I received from my blogging community I talked to Jack and we’re seriously considering seeing an RE. I know a good one who worked wonders (i.e. two babies) for a friend of mine with PCOS, so I know he’s good. The only problem has been insurance doesn’t cover it and its a helluva pricey bill to foot. I felt if my OBGYN is giving me Metformin and I got pregnant under her watch, shouldn’t I just stick with her? I tell myself this but then I also feel she isn’t moving me along as fast as I would like. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday so we’ll see what she has to say. Jack said he supports me seeing an RE if I’m not pregnant this cycle, so we may do that depending on Tuesdays meeting.  Thank you so much for giving me advice guys. It’s thanks to this blog that I went to a new doctor when all this began. People told me to ditch a doctor who insisted I didn’t have anything wrong with me and be my own best advocate. Thanks to that I got diagnosed. So I appreciate it so much.

I went to see my therapist today and it helped me deal with how I’m feeling. I want to share some of it because I know many reading are dealing with IF and surely have felt as I do, and maybe some of this might help you. The first thing is I need to stop taking a HPT every day. The new rule for me is twice a cycle, one week apart, and I can only buy off the internet to prevent myself from going to CVS and buying a three pack. The effect of BFN every single morning can single handedly ruin my day. I should also limit my internet “researching” to 30 minutes a day and try to make weekends “research free” days. By research I mean googling for signs and symptoms, and scary stories and hopeful stories. To a certain point its good to know, but once you pass that point, you are not helping yourself, you are stuck. The most important one was not to talk about this incessantly with your spouse because if you stop and just fixate on one thing you are harming your marriage. A marriage is multifaceted and to make this the entire center of your life is unhealthy. He also said to find some peace through prayer, meditation, etc. I’m struggling hard to find my way back to spirituality. I once was strong but lately I am weak, this makes it harder to accept this as meant to be, a test, happening for a reason. I know I need to find a way to center myself. He also said exercise helps burn adrenaline and should be incorporated on the daily. I was exercising regularly but when you get depressed, you don’t want to do anything. I plan to resume again tomorrow.

I’m reading a book called “Get Off Your ‘But'” and this quote really struck me: Pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional. Lately, I’ve been suffering a lot. I accept that infertility is a pain that is my reality, but the suffering, I need to get a handle on it. I’m not sure how to do this yet, but I am starting to actively try.

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Tired. So Tired.

June 17, 2009

There is a constant ache in my heart. I can smile, I can laugh, I can behave like a functional member of society, but the truth is, inside I am constantly splintering into a million different peices. Rebuilding, then crushing like dust once more.

My body is playing tricks with me. Still exhausted. Still no period. Still sore boobs. Still thirsty. Still strange discharge. I woke up at 4am last night to pee. Only did that when I was pregnant. I took another test, BFN.

I know that PCOS means wonky cycles, but Metformin was supposed to fix that. The first few months on it, I had regular cycles. This troubles me: out of 12 possible cycles, my lengthy cycles give me around 8 chances and of those, with PCOS, who knows when I ovulated, if even? My doctor will fight me on progesterone to jumpstart this cycle. She will fight me on Clomid. If I can convince her I’ll need to first get an HSG test done, and Jack will need to get a Sperm Analysis. This will take many months. I won’t be on all of this until at least August.  The thought of this, of all the obstacles, and all the time, and all the uncertainty its tearing me apart.

I scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow. Jack was so happy when he found out. Ask him what I should do? Ask him how I can be a good partner for you. I asked him, Are you getting frustrated. He said, Honey, I love you but this is killing me. Your constant pain, your tears, I just don’t know what to do anymore. He said it with love and it broke my heart. I’m hurting. I’m hurting Jack. The thought of hurting this good man brings tears to my eyes.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live my life this way. I need to do some serious soul searching. I need to find a way to make peace with the facts of my life, with my condition, with the reality that I don’t know the future and that I may never have children. I wish I knew how to do this.

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Fuzzy Math: My attempt at being positive

June 10, 2009

January 2008: Began TTC with undiagnosed PCOS

February 2008: OBGYN insists no PCOS w/out doing bloodwork or ultrasound. Tells me to TTC on 14, 15, 17, 19 of my cycle.

April 2008: Switch OBGYNs. New OBGYN gives me progesterone to induce period. Tells me after two cycles he’ll give me Clomid. No mention of PCOS or investigating potential causes of infertility. [and yes though the official year hadnt passed to term me IF, I knew I was. Sometimes you just know]

May 2008: Give up on OBGYNs. TTC in futility.

September 2008: Switch OBGYN. New one begins blood work to determine PCOS.  Identifies based on blood work I have PCOS.

October 2008: Ultrasound confirms PCOS.

November 2008: Put on Metformin

December 2008: Begin therepeutic dosage of Metformin

February 2009: Get pregnant

April 2009: Miscarry at 11 weeks.

Jack says that technically all the months we TTC before getting medication for PCOS were in vain due to the fact no little eggies were coming out to play. So really, our journey began December 2008 when I began Metformin. So really, I conceived after two months of TTC. So really, there’s nothing to worry about. Getting preggers will be a breeze.

So many retorts are waiting to come out like, the meds don’t fix PCOS. I can still struggle to conceive despite it. There could be other stuff wrong. Um, did you forget i miscarried? It’ s not just getting pregnant I’m concerned with. And so on and so forth, but I will not say those things today!

I guess I can choose to look at the glass half full since my reality remains the same. If seeing a half filled glass makes it easier, maybe its worth it. This is how I feel right now. Ask me again when my period comes.

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PCOS is frustrating

June 6, 2009

When I got diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said to me this means you could ovulate at any time. Dont rely on checking for EWCM. I felt confused, So what do I do? How do I time? She laughed, don’t time it, just try whenever possible. This was cute in January 2008, its frustrating June 2009.

So you know how I was going on and on about how I felt pregnant? Well, it’s CD22 and I checked and I have EWCM. Yeah we did the BD just to be on the safe side, but if I did in fact ovulate today then what’s with all the funky monkey symptoms? I really forgot in the few months I was pregnant how aggravating TTC with a wonky cycle can be. In February, when I conceived, it was CD22. That month too, I had EWCM three different times that month.

If anyone is completely fertile and gets pregnant when they hit the sack and don’t understand us infertiles. Read the above. Then read a few posts below. Do you see how neurotic it is? Now multiply that two weeks a month, month after month, after month, after… yeah. I’ll be honest, I’m a little frustrated. Before the miscarriage I’d grown resigned to infertility. I stopped hyperventilating with anxious joy after each “sign” appeared. I remember my boobs felt sore and I knew I was ten days late, but I still refused to test because I was so tired of that damn negative.

Now I’m a fish with short term memory. I’m a puppy that refuses to house break. I’m so fucking ready to hope and believe and think this month is it, waving away the rest of the months filled with disappontment and pain. It. is. so. damn. frustrating.

I have an appointment scheduled for June 23rd to consult with my OBGYN and figure out what’s up. I refuse to test again until June 19th, which is CD36. I know a period will break my heart, but I’m not sure how much worse seeing a negative will be when this month began with such high hopes.

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Doctor’s Appointment

June 4, 2009

Me: I’d like to schedule a consult with Dr. D

Receptionist: Consult for what?

Me: Um, I don’t know to talk about my situation…

Receptionist: Can you please elaborate?

Me: Well, I had a miscarriage… and I have PCOS… and I think I want Clomid… and-

Receptionist: Oh okay, an infertility consult.

Me: Yeah, an infertility consult, but could you list as abnormal periods, you know insurance..

Receptionist: Yeah, Dr. D can code it that but we label it an infertility consult internally since that’s what it is.

Funny how easily I write it on this blog but how difficult it is to say those words outloud. It’s like, saying them makes it real.  We are defined by what we are.  In different contexts we are one thing entirely. Dealing with a client I am 100% lawyer. Lost in a book I’m a 100% reader. Comforting my mother I am 100% daughter. At the OBGYN I am 100% infertile. It’s who I am. Its the label on the medical file. A Miscarrying Infertile PCOSer. Tis life I suppose.

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Pregnancy Tests

June 4, 2009

When pregnancy test manufacturers stuck “TEST FIVE DAYS SOONER” on the box they knew they hit the jackpot. For infertiles, pregnancy tests are our crack. Let’s be real, we tested before our period prior to them sticking that on the box, but now some of us (ahem) decide to try it even a few days after suspected ovulation thinking well, it’s almost five days sooner.

I should not have taken a pregnancy test. I’m only on CD22. If I did ovulate on CD11 its still too early to test. But you see, my boobs, they’re sore. I’m sleepy. I’m a bit queasy. And yes, I’m a neurotic infertile. So I tested. And yeah, it was a BFN [big fucking NO]. I know it will seem strange but I needed to see that no now while I knew it would say no as opposed to June 17, 2009 about four days after my period is due when I will test again. I needed to see the negative. I needed to ease back into the land of infertility where you feel stuck in a maddening groundhog day of tests that read the same: NO.

I’ve been putting off calling my OBGYN for a consult to discuss the next steps. I am not sure why but I think seeing the BFN reminds me I need to be proactive again. I’m trying to push my miscarriage out of my mind and the feelings of unfairness that follow, you know the whole why am I having to sit here in this silent bathroom staring at this test with desperate longing? I thought I was past this. Yeah, that. It’s a daily struggle, but I continue climbing.

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Yep, it was my last HCG

May 8, 2009

The nurse called to confirm my numbers are negative. I am officially unpregnant now. I smiled and then I cried. He’s gone. It’s like he never happened.  All evidence of his presence now fully erased. What baby? No proof save the ultrasound pictures I’ve tucked away in a drawer, and the pregnancy books hidden behind stacks of books in our bookshelf.  I had a two day cry-free streak but I guess three days was asking for too much.

I think I ovulated yesterday. I had the familiar pangs and I had EWCM (Egg White Cervical Mucus). Jack wanted to try, but I hesitated since my doctor said wait until your first cycle. I’m still torn by my decision since I’ve heard you are super fertile right after a miscarriage. I reassured myself that perhaps I was not ovulating and my body was simply readjusting. The nurse today told me to expect a period in a week or two, this means I was likely ovulating. Oh well- its okay. There is always the next cycle, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next and the… sigh.

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Hopefully my last HCG

May 7, 2009

I called my doctor to do my lab work to check my HCG levels. This is a very large practice but the lady who scheduled me remembered me. How are you doing sweetie? She asked. I’m doing better, I responded. Good, I’m glad to hear, I’ve been thinking of you, you’ve had a really rough couple of weeks, you’ve been through a whole lot. I can’t describe how such kindness helps soothe my soul. I really have been through a lot, not just these past few weeks but since January 2008. Not too many of the people I’ve told have checked in on me to see how I’m doing. It’s okay, maybe they think I’m over it or something, but I must say that people who do ask how I’m doing and that they’re thinking of me, really helps. I didn’t think it would but it really does. I hope my HCG levels are zero tomorrow so I can begin the process of awaiting my period. Today was a good day, not a single tear drop. One day at a time.

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The HCG continues dropping

April 23, 2009

It was 4,000 the day I miscarried. 569 April 15, 2009. It’s 46 today. Just record keeping. Back to work now.

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Male OB-GYNs- to go or not to go

June 23, 2008

I have never seen a male doctor since becoming an adult. I prefer females. They know a woman’s body I think they understand me better. HOWEVER- my latest gynecologist was awful, she didn’t listen to me and she gave me bad advice. My Family Doctor who is absolutely lovely, recommended her GYN who is a man. I was intrigued as he will care for you from conception to birth, which very few do now, but it feels immodest. Ya know? But I finally put aside my fears and decided that this is who I am going to see since he is highly recommended by someone I trust. So ofcourse I come across the above picture on postsecret today! I’m still going to go!

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There is nothing you can do about it.

May 3, 2008

This is what my good friend who is also an OB-GYN said to me today. I called her in tears today to tell her what happened and explaining my worries. She lives very far from me so she can’t say what is wrong with me, she also did not address my breast tenderness or abdominal pressures saying that she did not know why, but her biggest point was this:

But what if I’m not ovulating? There’s nothing you can do about it.

But what I just dont get my period? There’s nothing you can do about it.

What if I never have kids? There’s nothing you can do about it.

She said she is not sure why I should get a progesterone shot to induce a period when that really just means a fake period and doesn’t mean that I ovulated at all. She only recommends that when someone missed their period for several months.

She told me that even if I am irregular. Even if I am not ovulating monthly. I should still wait a year.

She also said something I am bit confused about. She said to fid a doctor and stick with them so they know the whole history of you. I’m confused. I can’t switch doctors until June anyways due to my insurance… but she said that its important not to keep changing doctors. i just don’t know if I should stick with this one though.

This process is exhausting. I fear the road ahead. But I need to take a chill pill because there is nothing I can do about it.

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Not Pregnant.

May 3, 2008

Doctor did a blood test. BFN. They want me to come in for a progesterone shot to start my cycle.

I feel like shit. Really truly.

I also hate that no one even tried to address why I felt like I did all month. Why are my breasts still tender. None of this was explained. A whole sea of unanswered questions builds upon the anxiety growing in my heart. She’s a nice lady but she has her own one person practice. Maybe she doesn’t have time to answer these questions. I need a new doctor.

This is a dark day for me. Not because I am not pregnant. If you gave me regular cycles. I will faithfully try, with faith. But 41 days now? And no period in sight? I see nothing but darkness.

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Doctors.

May 2, 2008

I went to see the doctor today regarding my wayward yet to come home period. I told her the lengths of my cycles: 39. 33. 39. and now 40+. She says “The days that you have 39+ cycles, you might not be ovulating”

SAY WHAT?

Lady, you looked at my cycles. You told me I was normal. You told me I had a 35 day cycle. Now I count with the math skills kindergarten taught me and you deduce I’m irregular and may not be ovulating properly?

They took some blood work to check for pregnancy and some other potential issues that could be causing me issues. But I’m concerned. They said they won’t do any work up until a year has passed.

Let’s be straight. I think I have a problem. 39+ cycles are not normal. There is a strong chance I do not ovulate on some months. I dont WANT to wait A YEAR to even begin doing the check ups. I’m not a 28 day on the button girl who should wait the traditional year. If I know something is likely wrong…. then WHY are they going to make me go through the agony of waiting each month for the no that will likely come?

Because the facts remain: If you don’t ovulate. you don’t have babies. I know this.