Archive for May, 2008

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Baby Dance Drama

May 22, 2008

So the plan was to BD every other day except of course I got sick and even i had limits to how much I could BD with a 103 degree fever. However, now that I am in my potentially fertile week (this week or next week) we are going to a wedding where we may have to crash with the hosts and they will put us to sleep on couches. That is my MOST FERTILE window. WE NEED A ROOM. Jack said don’t stress since that will delay ovulation.. I really hate in laws. We could have just gotten a hotel room. It would be more relaxing and less stressful but what can you do. So, perhaps this saga will continue into June… perhaps it would have anyways, but now I may never know.

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On good doctors, very GOOD ones.

May 16, 2008

I love my primary care physician. I went in for a sore throat but she asked me “Did you ever deal with the PCOS, etc issues” So I told her what was happening. EVERYTHING I TOLD THE GYNECOLOGIST. She listened to me and said “For the next few months use an ovulation testing kit to see if you are ovulating or not. If you find out that two to three months in a row you are not ovulating, go to a doctor tell them you’ve been trying for about a year and that you have discovered you don’t ovulate” That’s what I call advice. She also told me that with a cycle as long as mine (39+ days) there is absolutely no predicting when I ovulate. She grinned at me and said “Have sex every other day” and I went, “OMG!! THATS WHAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD DO”… We sat and talked unhurried about children and conceiving. She was so kind and supportive. She recommended her OB-GYN who is a guy but she says is great. I just feel weird men looking down there. I mean, I know its medical but… it is my private parts… BUT he is the old fashioned type of doctor who will be your GYN but will also DELIVER YOUR BABY PERSONALLY. Who does that these days? So I’m going to wait until June and go see him. I think its worth it to see a man if he comes highly recommended and he would see me from TTC to delivery.

Who knew a cold could turn out to be so good. Reasons for everything I tell ye.

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You thought you were pregnant right?

May 9, 2008

Is what the receptionist at the dentist’s office said today when I went in for my crown appointment. Last time I went, I thought I might be what with the implantation bleeding (or so I thought). They wanted to schedule me for a cleaning and she paused as she read the note on the screen, “Wait… are you pregnant?” Its weird because I’ve accepted that I am not, but still, saying it out loud “No, I found out that I am not.” was really sad to say. You know what the biggest feeling is? Shame. I can’t tell you why because it makes no sense objectively, but in my heart, my gut, I feel ashamed to have dared presumed.

My mother yesterday called and asked quietly, “are you okay”, I was rude and abrupt and said yes. I feel bad. She quickly understood, I feel awful for hurting her, but how can I tell her that I might have a problem. I don’t want to worry her… but I guess sooner or later she will find out.

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Preparing for the next Two Week Wait

May 7, 2008

This past cycle I feel as though I have been through the highest of highs such as when I thought I saw implantation bleeding and the lowest of lows which, well… when I learned it wasn’t implantation bleeding. But many good things have happened.

1. I feel closer to God. When I began praying and found myself weeping I realized that I hadn’t strayed as far from my belief in him as I thought. I prayed for a period and the next day after 43 days- it came. Yes, I can argue that its a coincidence or I willed it to happen. But I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to question why some prayers from more worthy souls remain unanswered and this prayer for a period was. It just happened. I won’t question it. I will just accept it.

2. I am getting a new doctor. I have been conflicted about this but thanks to advice on this blog and my own gut instinct I need a doctor who will be more aggressive for me and will give me advice when she dismissively tells me I might not be ovulating but gives me no advice on what to do about that. I can try for a year but if I’m not ovulating, my TWW will simply continue in agony. But my insurance won’t let me switch a doctor within the same month so until June I will be patient and…

3. Going to do what I can in the meantime by doing the BD the old fashioned way but every other day for the rest of the month… I have no earthly idea what I ovulate so why not…. besides… I dont think the DH will mind ALL that much!

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On periods. And taking charge of what you can.

May 5, 2008

I got my period today. Its a very light period compared to the sort I usually have. Very strange. But a period is a period right? At least its here which means perhaps a new cycle has (hopefully) begun. Its weird, once upon a time I thought a period meant you ovulated for sure and that a new cycle began. Who knew the wonders of the world, least of all my menstrual cycle?

I was trying to come to terms with letting go control. To some degree I do need to learn to do this just for better sanity. But coming to terms with the fact that I don’t control the universe does not mean I must relinquish control over the things I can do to help myself. Sun and Alicia so kindly pointed out that perhaps a new doctor is in order. Alicia kind of helped shake me back into reality: I can control the type of care I am receiving from my doctor meaning that at the least I can find someone who will listen to me and my concerns that I do not ovulate (concerns my doctor SHARES) and try to find out how I can.

I think the following famous saying is very apt here:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Praying.

May 4, 2008

I prayed for the first time in many many months. I was surprised by how my emotions overcame me. I could not control my tears as they continued rolling down my cheeks. I shook with sobs. This emotion shocked me. For someone who is always so cynical of Him…. the way I reacted… the numbness I now feel… its frankly, overwhelming.

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It will come and go in waves

May 3, 2008

I think today has helped me really come to terms with something. I don’t have any control. I can research on-line, I can check out forums, I can analyze every single symptom wondering if this is a “sign” or not. But does it really change my reality for now? I read on a website a while ago, “trying to figure out pregnancy symptoms are meaningless unless they are meaningful” (i.e. symptoms could mean anything so unless you know you are, stop analyzing).

I am going to try and focus on other things as we try. Eating right/working out, working on my writing, doing my jobs, enjoying my family, and praying and focusing on God. Sometimes I think that I have no right to think of Him now when so often He is absent from my mind. Sometimes I think He is punishing me for this right now. But maybe He is testing me. Maybe He is reminding me that He is here, and is giving me an opportunity to turn to Him again.

I feel centered at the moment. I feel I have made peace. But I know tomorrow I might be a wreck again. I understand that my emotions on this topic will come and go in waves.

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There is nothing you can do about it.

May 3, 2008

This is what my good friend who is also an OB-GYN said to me today. I called her in tears today to tell her what happened and explaining my worries. She lives very far from me so she can’t say what is wrong with me, she also did not address my breast tenderness or abdominal pressures saying that she did not know why, but her biggest point was this:

But what if I’m not ovulating? There’s nothing you can do about it.

But what I just dont get my period? There’s nothing you can do about it.

What if I never have kids? There’s nothing you can do about it.

She said she is not sure why I should get a progesterone shot to induce a period when that really just means a fake period and doesn’t mean that I ovulated at all. She only recommends that when someone missed their period for several months.

She told me that even if I am irregular. Even if I am not ovulating monthly. I should still wait a year.

She also said something I am bit confused about. She said to fid a doctor and stick with them so they know the whole history of you. I’m confused. I can’t switch doctors until June anyways due to my insurance… but she said that its important not to keep changing doctors. i just don’t know if I should stick with this one though.

This process is exhausting. I fear the road ahead. But I need to take a chill pill because there is nothing I can do about it.

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Not Pregnant.

May 3, 2008

Doctor did a blood test. BFN. They want me to come in for a progesterone shot to start my cycle.

I feel like shit. Really truly.

I also hate that no one even tried to address why I felt like I did all month. Why are my breasts still tender. None of this was explained. A whole sea of unanswered questions builds upon the anxiety growing in my heart. She’s a nice lady but she has her own one person practice. Maybe she doesn’t have time to answer these questions. I need a new doctor.

This is a dark day for me. Not because I am not pregnant. If you gave me regular cycles. I will faithfully try, with faith. But 41 days now? And no period in sight? I see nothing but darkness.

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Doctors.

May 2, 2008

I went to see the doctor today regarding my wayward yet to come home period. I told her the lengths of my cycles: 39. 33. 39. and now 40+. She says “The days that you have 39+ cycles, you might not be ovulating”

SAY WHAT?

Lady, you looked at my cycles. You told me I was normal. You told me I had a 35 day cycle. Now I count with the math skills kindergarten taught me and you deduce I’m irregular and may not be ovulating properly?

They took some blood work to check for pregnancy and some other potential issues that could be causing me issues. But I’m concerned. They said they won’t do any work up until a year has passed.

Let’s be straight. I think I have a problem. 39+ cycles are not normal. There is a strong chance I do not ovulate on some months. I dont WANT to wait A YEAR to even begin doing the check ups. I’m not a 28 day on the button girl who should wait the traditional year. If I know something is likely wrong…. then WHY are they going to make me go through the agony of waiting each month for the no that will likely come?

Because the facts remain: If you don’t ovulate. you don’t have babies. I know this.

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Day 40. BFN.

May 2, 2008

I don’t know why there is no part of me that has any hope I am currently pregnant. Perhaps its the ten tests all of which screamed: DUDE STOP TESTING YOU ARE SO NOT PREGNANT!!! [yes, this may have had something to do with it] but the other is that if even allow myself for a moment to think so, when the period comes, it will be all the more painful to know that this is not the month.

Worse still, when the sadness recedes, it will be replaced by worry at the strange length of this cycle. My longest recorded cycle ever [and counting]. It makes me wonder: Why have I felt abdominal cramps for two weeks now? Why did I nearly throw up yesterday? Why did my boobs GROW two weeks ago?

Right now again, I feel the oncoming of a period. And yet none.

Today I got a new stove. The movers hauled the old one away. Underneath the old stove was an old baby pacifier. I held it in my hands and then I couldn’t keep myself from wondering…. when will it be my turn to lose pacifiers under this stove?

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Day 39. And NADA.

May 1, 2008

I’m just annoyed now. Today is Day 39 of my cycle. This is the longest I ever go and yet there is still no period. I wore a pad today just incase but its the same as yesterday… a little brownish discharge but nothing more. I’m so annoyed.

Let’s say I ovulated on April 8 which puts me later than I think. I am 23 dpo. I should have had a period April 22, 2008. Even now, factoring in the latest I have ever gone I should have gotten it by now.

My boobs are sore. Today I had to fight nauseousness from 9-11am.

Now I’m just getting depressed.