Posts Tagged ‘fears about miscarrying’

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Fighting Fear

August 29, 2009

I’ve been calm and blase about this pregnancy until yesterday. I think it was the first lovenox injection. Lying down and enduring that painful injection (it hurts more AFTER the injection) it hit me: I’m pregnant. I don’t feel pregnant: no nausea, no tender breasts, no exhaustion of any extreme sort, my acne is gone. As someone with two losses, both in which I felt hardly any symptoms, I don’t like this common pattern. My mom never had extreme symptoms, maybe I’m lucky. Maybe its too early, I’m only 4.5 weeks, but given my background I can’t help but be afraid. I’m trying not to be afraid. I’m trying to prepare myself for a miscarriage and tell myself I’ll be okay if the worst happens but then I fight this urge because surely there is power in positive thinking? I remember Katery talking about not having symptoms in her first trimester and the ambivalent feelings of pregnancy after loss and she is in her second trimester now. So its possible. It’s possible. I want to believe this one will work. I hate my trembling hands when I check for blood when I go to the bathroom. I hate the feeling of inevitability. I know I’m taking lovenox now, the egg is theoretically fresher since I ovulated on time. . . I just can’t shake the fear.  I wish I knew what I could do to ease these worries.  I’m waiting until September 14 for an ultrasound and until then I need to figure out how to cope. I apologize in advance to anyone reading because though I will try to cope, I’m sure there will likely be other fear filled posts like this.

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Thoughts from the hamster wheel

August 13, 2009

Have you ever had a moment of clarity where suddenly you are looking at the world, the same world you saw yesterday and the day before, but suddenly its as though you are truly noticing everything for the first time? Last night, after we discussed extensively about whether to go for it or not, we decided to go for it and take our chances. This morning I woke up and it hit me, I’m going to have to two week wait again. I started thinking of all the cycles since January 2008. Check for CM, try, wait, spend $$ on tests, get period. Start over. I suddenly felt like a hamster running on a wheel. It’s like going on dates and then never getting a call back month after month of meeting new guys, and then you meet two guys back to back who say they love you, give you a diamond ring and promise to make you their girl forever and then each time they ditch you at the alter.

The thought of getting pregnant, then waiting for betas, waiting for ultrasounds, panicking over lack of symptoms, wondering if I’m miscarrying, though right now I think I could handle it, I’m just worried about myself. I’m almost at two years of trying to conceive without success. This entire year is a series of pregnancies and losses. Next pregnancy I will be high risk pregnancy. It will be more stressful it will take a greater toll. A possible loss will hurt more. The mere thought of doing a Clomid cycle, of weighing pros and cons, makes me want to curl up in bed and take a nap.

All these thoughts make me wonder if perhaps I need to jump off the treadmill for at least one month. I’d like to think I still appreciate the rest of my life, but many days it feels like background music and all I see is this obstacle, this hurdle I must climb, this race I need to finish. But the background music is my life. Perhaps its time for a time-out to tend to my other gardens. I’m not saying I’m going to stop moving forward because I’m not sure its possible for me to take a time out, but I’m trying to think things through. I’m trying to use my heart and head though my heart is pretty clear what it wants.

I thought of these things as I stood over my simmering marinara sauce for dinner and then- I felt a twinge. I frowned until I realized what that sensation was. My ovaries. Perhaps all that I have talked about is a moot point. Perhaps the powers that be are cooking in my body as we speak. If so I will no doubt be overjoyed, but so hesitant, so hesitant because now I fully get it, I need to protect me. I’ve been, but no longer should, underestimate how important it is to take care of me and not lose myself in this overwhelming process of cycling, and trying again and again.

How do you balance it all?

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The weirdest angst ridden post yet

August 10, 2009

In my previous post I said I planned not to wait for the next cycle before TTC since after miscarriage #1 the time frame until my first cycle was my most normal ovulation cycle ever and I regret not having taken advantage of that. It appears, I may have ovulated. It’s hard to know if its legit since it should only be about CD6 so I’m basing it on EWCM. Maybe after miscarriage it can happen at any time for no reason as the body readjusts to normal. I know its normal to be worried about a third miscarriage due to low progesterone levels, and the clotting disorder, and PCOS, but that’s not why I’m worried if it turns out I get pregnant this month or within the next three months.

I’m worried because there is a wedding on my husband’s side of the family in my city in November and my in-laws, all of them, will be staying with us to attend. I wrote a little about why I’m freaking out about this here, but to put it short, despite having PCOS and irregular periods whenever I saw my in-laws I’d get my period. Something about being around them (or some huge fucked up coincidence) causes me to bleed when they’re around. I had both of my miscarriages while around them. This past time I miscarried I hadn’t seen them since my last miscarriage when I was at their house (almost four months ago). My conundrum sounds silly but feels frightening. If they come in November I could be anywhere from 2 to ten weeks pregnant all within the danger zone and as tough as a third miscarriage will be anyways, to bleed when they come again will be awful beyond words. I mentioned this to Jack. He said he could fly me down to my parents for that weekend but then I’m afraid to be without Jack during the first trimester.

Now I’m seriously considering waiting to TTC until after November so I can be assured I won’t have to see them for a good long while before I conceive. But Speckie was to be born November 3. I’d really been hoping to be pregnant before his due date. This is a stinky place to be. Wanting a baby beyond belief. Wanting to TTC, but wondering if I should not based not on science but a coincidence that has haunted me for years with my in-laws.  It all feels so confusing to me as there is fear in waiting since who knows if I’d get pregnant anyways in these next few months, and fear in trying because if I do I don’t know how I can deal with his family. I mean, its a wedding, they’re coming, I can’t stop them from landing on my front porch. sigh.

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Fears and in-laws

July 24, 2009

I close my eyes to sleep tonight and the thoughts from this week swirl through my mind. I’m so sorry, you are having a miscarriage. Conversations about D&Cs. Accepting another miscarriage. The hurt was physical in equal parts as it was emotional. I hear my doctor’s voice as I lay in silence. I see my father’s e-mail comforting me. I feel Jack’s arms around me as I shake with tears. The next day. I remember telling the specialist No! I don’t want an ultrasound, my HCGs are dropping, why are you going to do this? I shudder to think if he listened. Will that moment when the tech tells me my baby is 6w1d with a 104 heart rate ever feel less surreal? Because right now all I can do is think of it and feel myself tremble with disbelief and awe.

I’ve been fine all day but now tears drip down my cheeks and I’m not sure why. This blog has always been my place to sort through my feelings so forgive me if this all seems silly or unnecessary. I try to tell myself not to be afraid anymore because clearly what is meant to happen will happen and I only have today so don’t dwell on the what if’s in the future. The problem is I’ve not only just had a miscarriage in April, I thought I lost the one I have right now. The HCG isn’t doubling. They must be concerned to do weekly ultrasounds. I’m trying not to worry about the Thursday ultrasound but I can’t help it. I’m scared. I want to believe the doctors when they shrug off my not having nausea or hardly any symptoms, but its hard when you’re so afraid. My lower back hurts. Is that okay? I wonder. I feel pressure in my uterus area. Not cramping but just pressure. I immediately consult Dr. Google and scare myself silly. Pregnancy post miscarriage is always more difficult since you know what can happen. Add a history of infertility and its a recipe for paranoia and fear.

My therapist encourages me not to name the baby (Too late, Baby Bug). He said I shouldn’t talk to it. I shouldn’t say things like she’s a fighter since it hurts harder if I lose it. That I should not pin all my hopes on this one pregnancy. Isn’t that natural though? How can I see the ultrasound and the beating heart and not feel overcome by love and the corresponding worry. Every instinct in my being wants to send it good vibes, asking it to keep on fighting. I can’t wave my hand and say well if not this one, the next one. I want this one.

I think I’m also feeling very emotional because after a long week like this what I’d like more than anything is to curl in bed all weekend and catch up on the sleep I’ve gone without this week. But I can’t do that. Jack’s parents are coming in town.  I’ve written a little about them here but to put it briefly we don’t get along and thanks to how they acted after my miscarriage we won’t be telling them the news until much later (please God let there be a much later).  I also have a weird habit of bleeding whenever I see them. Somehow whenever we would visit I’d get my period. I miscarried the weekend we were visiting them. After my miscarriage there was a big blowout and we haven’t seen them in over three months. Tomorrow they will be here and the house isn’t up to par clean wise, but I don’t have the energy, and well shouldn’t JACK be working on it considering its his parents? There is no food in the house, I haven’t cooked in advance. I’m usually a good host (even if they’re seldom impressed) but I’m just feeling overwhelmed and yes, I’m scared because of the whole bleeding when they’re here sort of thing. I know its likely just a coincidence but its a fucking scary as hell coincidence. And here’s the most awful part. I know they wish Jack married someone else. Someone who was a homemaker, who had kids right away, who was more religious, etc. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have all these fertility challenges. When I see them and the hopes and dreams I did not give them, despite my intellectual awareness that they’re wrong,  despite knowing Jack loves me and we’re in this IF struggle together, I feel so guilty that their darling boy didn’t get the fertile bunny they wanted. I feel guilty I haven’t given them grandkids yet. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment. I judge myself through their eyes. These are thoughts I struggle with when I see them and I do overcome them, however I am worried about my emotional well being while they are here after a week that makes me feel like an NBA basketball.

I’m sure it will be okay. I just need to get through each day one day at a time. This weekend will pass. Thursday will come. The ultrasound will show what it will. I will be okay. Sigh.

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It’s Tuesday. Still Waiting.

July 21, 2009

I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t work. I’m sitting here just staring at this phone willing it to ring. Will I have an u/s today or will I not? What is the fate of my future? Will I hold a child in March? Or will we be waiting for blood and the long road of TTC again. My body feels wound, tightly like those wind up dolls of my youth. One more turn of the dial and I break. Jack is amazed at how well I’m handling this. He doesn’t know I’m not handling it well at all but this time I’m keeping it to myself. No sense in dumping on someone who is equally nervous though not as vocal or obviously nutty. Ring phone, ring, and tell me only sweet things.

Updated to add: The nurse just told me the report is on the doctor’s desk but she’s in surgery until at least 1pm. I can’t get the results until at least then.

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Considering Time

July 21, 2009

The clock

ticks-

Like a

taunting warden

at a gate of

prisoners.

Like a

careful scientist

measuring

the depths of

madness.

Time

is my straight jacket.

Time

is my captor

But-

Time protects me from:

Tomorrow?

Will I tumble into

a deep cavern

whose slippery handles

and scraping brick edges

my blistered knees know

quite well

Or

Will the birds sing in harmony?

Will the sailor kiss the nurse firmly on the mouth

amongst a ticker tape parade?

Will the bricks release from my helium balloon

As I float into the sky?

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The blood draw and the wait

July 20, 2009

I went this morning to have my blood drawn for my HCG levels. The lab tech gave me the usual gauze and tape over the withdrawal site, but when I got to work the guaze was soaked with blood! I guess the baby aspirin is thinning my blood. My boobs are aching today, and for a little bit I felt nauseous. Can these be side effects of the aspirin?

I’m at work. Jack thought I should call in sick since he’s worried, but being at work helps you feel like you’re doing something. I accomplished quite a bit which helped eat up 3 hours. I’m trying to figure out how to make it through the rest of the hours left. I mean, I have no choice in the matter. My cousin e-mailed that she’s calling tonight. Calls with her last an hour minimum so there’s an hour there. I have grocery shopping to do. Gotta cook dinner and clean up after. I might put my ipod on and go for a walk in my neighborhood. Harry Potter book 7 is sitting by my nightstand asking to be read again.

I hate that I’m wishing away the next 24+ hours. Life is precious and we’re not guarunteed a second of it, why waste it waiting for the next moment? Still, I’m allowing myself this time to be a little crazy. Today on the way to work I stopped at a stopsign and three little birds, all yellow breasted, so yellow you’d think God highlighted them, with dark black tails flew infront of my car, circled in harmony and then flew away. I’d never seen such birds before, my breath caught as I watched them fly away, continually in harmony, continually in motion. Inexplicably, I hoped it was a sign.

Waiting. It seems us IF sisters do a lot of that. You’d think we’d be experts at waiting. Somehow it does not get easier.

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Cupcakes

July 20, 2009

I have not been crying, or ranting, or talking a lot about my worries to Jack like I normally would in a situation like this. Instead, I’ve been quiet. I’ve been reading, staying upstairs in our bedroom watching mind numbing Bridezilla reruns and staring at my nails. I think my silence is freaking him out.

Urging me downstairs I came down and we watched a recorded episode of 30 Rock where cupcakes were advertised. Suddenly, I wanted a cupcake. More than anything in the world I wanted a delicious Publix cupcake of my childhood with the colorful icing and sprinkles. Lets go get it, Jack said. I shook my head. I don’t need a cupcake, I’ll survive, but the urge (trying not to call it a craving) was amazing, my taste buds seemed to screech for it. Then sitting down to my computer I saw a news story of the largest cupcake in the world created today. That’s it, Jack said getting his keys and slipping on his flip flops. I’ll drive, you get them. I protested the store closes in ten minutes! He remained unpersuaded.

Let the record reflect that cupcakes can turn a frown upside down, even if its for the duration that one is consuming the nostalgic delicacy. As difficult as what I’m going through is, I am grateful for late night cupcake runs.

11 hours until the blood draw.

48 hours from now, I’ll know.

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Thoughts as I wait

July 19, 2009

No one really knows what’s going on, and honestly, I don’t want to verbally talk about it with anyone. Jack knows, but the thought of explaining this and the real possibility of an impending miscarriage, I just can’t do it. For that reason I’m writing a lot on this blog of mine. Thanks to those who are reading. If you think I’m talking too much, sorry, I just need some way to sort through my feelings.

I didn’t wake up to pee two nights in a row now. My boobs are a little bigger, a little sore, but otherwise I have no symptoms. None of the comforting irritability I had with Speck. With Speck I could want to kill you or weep for hours just for looking at me funny. So irrational, but so secure to know the hormones were running rampant through my blood. I feel so normal right now because the progesterone isn’t running high through my body. Honestly, if anyone ever complains about bad preggo symptoms in my presence, I’m not sure what I will do. Cursing nausea is cursing a healthy thriving pregnancy. I can’t judge them, if I didn’t have these issues would I be similarly sensitive?

Last night I was changing my clothes and pressed my hand against my stomach. I felt overwhelmed with so much grief and so much fear. You see, its one thing to be patient and calm for me in trying to get pregnant, that is hard and a struggle as is, but to know that someone is growing inside me and then may not, that is double pain. Pain for me and pain for who I loved and lost. A big part of me wants to accept this is over. The symptoms aren’t there. The progesterone is low. I just might miscarry. The other part, the hopeful part raising its hand from the back of the classroom squeaks, but you might not.

I’m trying hard to distract myself. I’ll shower now and blow dry my hair. I’ll read a nice book. I’ll clean my bedroom. I can’t walk around with this sharp stabbing pain for the next 48 hours. I don’t know. To lose two beings I love in the span of months, it makes my head throb.

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Waiting for Tuesday

July 18, 2009

As my previous posts indicated my blood work came back with decent HCG levels (3500) and a border-line/low progesterone level 9.5. Normal is 15.  Monday I get blood work to see if my HCGs are rising and Tuesday I get those results. If the results are good then I get an ultrasound. I’m trying very hard in the meantime to not go mad counting down. We had brunch today, and watched dumb movies. A friend just called to invite us to his place for a bbq tonight. So life is good, moving moving.

We got a call from Jack’s parents. They want to visit next weekend. I’m super tensed up about this. If I have a bad result I will not be able to deal with that and them at the same time. I told Jack if the results are bad he’s going to have to get them to not come. I don’t know how we’ll manage that, but his parents are tough enough to handle in a good frame of mind, much less a muddied one.

I got two bills in the mail. One from my insurance company, one from the hospital where I miscarried. The insurance company appeared to cover all my costs. The hospital says they denied $700 and I need to pay it ASAP. Ofcourse they are closed until Monday. I don’t know how I’m supposed to come up with the energy to deal with them this coming week along with all the other stuff. I’m so exhausted from insurance companies.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is a miracle pregnancy. I ovulated off cycle somewhere around CD33 or 40 and against the odds conceived.  Technically based on cycles, this was unusual. So, maybe even though my progesterone is borderline low, I can make it through with a healthy successful pregnancy. It can happen. Its possible. Yes its also possible for the reverse to be true, but why sit in a puddle of fear when hope is so much sweeter.

I’m surprised I’m not a crying rambling wreck. I do cry. Especially when I pray. But I’m not as bad as I thought I would be. I know come Tuesday I will be a full and complete mess, but until then the fact that I’m going about life, well, that is nothing short of miraculous.

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How to Pass Time

July 17, 2009

Tuesday is my ultimatum day. The day I find out if my HCG levels are rising. If rising, its the day of my ultrasound to see if there’s a heartbeat and date the pregnancy. As I stated in my previous post, my progesterone levels are low. They are 9.5 when it should be 15+. The doctor said progesterone supplements won’t save a pregnancy dying anyways. Low progesterone levels can indicate a failing pregnancy. Not always, but often. She said don’t ruin your weekend panicking. We might find out Tuesday that all is well and you worried for nothing. That’s easier said than done, when I heard these same words about three months ago on a similar phone call with a similar fear.

I’m in shock. I’m angry. I’m sad. I can’t wrap my mind around this. Jack says its good to be prepared at least. We weren’t prepared last time. This time we have advance warning. I don’t know what’s better. I know that not having to worry about a miscarriage would be the best alternative.

I have no earthly idea how to pass the time. Tomorrow when Jack goes to play basketball I’m going to go a bookstore and work on my manuscript and read books on formatting and how to submit. Other than that I’m stumped. I need to pass these next  88 hours without losing my sanity.

Praying for a sunflower miracle in my life. Why does this have to be so damn hard

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Beta and Progesterone Results Are In

July 17, 2009

I got a call from a doctor in the practice and my beta and progesterone levels are in.

HCG: 3500

Progesterone: 9.5

Shit. HCG is inconclusive since she said Monday they’ll do another test to see if they’re rising. But the Progesterone is scary because its borderline low. Healthy prog. levels are 15 and above. I’m 9.5. I told her I’m taking progesterone suppostitories she said they are not known to have any effect at all, but I’m wondering are my levels 9.5, this borderline level and not EVEN LOWER because I am taking the progesterone supplements? She said low progesterone levels can indicate that a pregnancy is not going well, its hard to know.

Progesterone is the cause of most symptoms. This is perhaps why I am symptom free.

She told me not to panic and that things might be okay.

But to put it bluntly she essentially was trying to say: Prepare for another possible miscarriage, odds aint pretty.

Great weekend to come.

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Doctor Visit Update

July 16, 2009

Thanks to all of you who left me well wishes and urged me to climb down from the ledge I somehow perched myself upon. It’s true the diagnosis of PCOS, lupus anticoagulent disorder, low progesterone are good things so that this won’t happen again. I do get that, thanks for the reminder. The doctor visit went as expected though I had a mini-scare at the start of it. When pregnant when you walk into the exam room, they usually have a congrats brochure with information for new mothers. This time it wasn’t there. The nurse came in five minutes later and apologized that she forgot to put the brochure there. So yes, the test at the doctor’s office also confirmed my BFP. I’m being referred to a maternal fetal specialist to discuss whether I’ll get on lovenox or not. That should be early next week. Based on my uterus I’m only 4-5 weeks pregnant. I guess that makes sense since I had implantation bleeding about 3.5 weeks ago. She offered to do a beta test so I’ll find out tomorrow what my numbers are, and I’ll go in again on Monday for a follow-up beta. Tuesday is my first ultrasound to date this pregnancy. I really hope they find a heart beat.

It’s hard to get seen by my doctor but she rocks. Whenever I meet her I feel lucky she’s taking care of me because I trust her. I feel slightly better after the doctor’s visit. She told me I’d feel weird up until I passed the ten week mark when I lost the first pregnancy. I guess that’s natural. Regardless of how many nicknames I come up with, in the recesses of my mind the fear is going to lurk. My goal is to keep it in the recesses of my mind and not to allow it to  jump up and take center stage doing the river dance.

But just for the record, I’m pretty sure it’s a girl. 🙂

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Not Doing Great

July 16, 2009

Knowing that the auto-immune disorder is the reason I miscarried has thrown me off orbit. I am haunted with the knowledge that my baby was fine. My baby was breathing and growing and deveoping on schedule and then thanks to clotting issues my baby died. The grief overwhelms me. I can’t change anything that happened. What was is no longer here. I can’t cry and bring back my Speck, but it just hurts to know what a beautiful missed opportunity of life no longer is.  I realize I am currently pregnant but I cannot shake the fear that I will lose this one too. I don’t know why but this fear has gripped me and is threatening to do me in. I don’t want two miscarriages in a year. I don’t want to be told this one is not developing thanks to my body acting stupid.

I’ve made peace with my miscarriage. I thought. I gained a lot of understanding on who I was, what I was made of. I found my faith again after years of darkness, but. . . that doesn’t make the pain hurt less. Yes if I miscarry again I will get over it and I will learn to stand again but I’m not looking forward to the fall. I’m frightened to death of the fall.  I can’t fall. Please God, please God, don’t let me fall.

16 hours until my appointment, and counting. . .

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The world feels like its tumbling: Why I miscarried

July 15, 2009

Like anyone else who miscarries I wanted to know why. After my miscarriage I asked the doctor to take some blood work to see if there’s any disorder predisposing me to miscarriage. I just got a call from my OB that one of my blood tests came back positive for lupus anticoagulent. Lupus. I know that this doesn’t mean I have lupus but I have this particular variation and this means that I have higher incidence of blood clotting. Women with lupus anticoaglant have higher risk of miscarriage. It is one of the common reasons for miscarriages to happen. The message from my doctor said to take a baby aspirin starting now and she’ll explain more at our appointment tomorrow.

First of all, she could not wait until tomorrow. She called to tell me to start ASAP.  This is urgent then. What if I’ve already lost my baby? What if it’s too late? I didn’t wake up last night to pee. I HAVE NO symptoms of pregnancy.

This means Speck was fine. He was healthy and okay and had no chromosomal abnormalities. **I** lost him. I mean, I know I didn’t do it on purpose but had he found life in someone else’s womb he would’ve been born and healthy and happy.  The blood clots seep into the placenta cutting off oxygen to the fetus. I read stories of other women like me with it, who had a heart beating little baby growing that died so close to the second trimester. And I might already be losing the new one growing within me. Meggomae once reminded me I’m already a mother. When I feel the pain I do at the thought of my baby suffocating due to lack of oxygen, the thought that he could have lived and died due to us not knowing. . . the pain is so raw that I do in that moment dare anyone to tell me I was not a mother.

I talked to my doctor just now and she told me this should be seen as a good thing since now we know. Lots of doctor don’t order these tests after one miscarriage, they say after two or three they’ll check. I’m grateful this wasn’t even an argument between me and my doctor and I’m grateful she tested me.  I told her I did not wake up to pee last night and I’m afraid I might have already miscarried. She said don’t think like that, and that its probably not too late.

Intellectually the odds are low I have already miscarried, but I had a 2% chance of miscarrying Speck when they found his strong heartbeat. Odds mean jackshit to me. She said she will feel my uterus to determine how far along I am and if I’m far along enough they’ll do an ultrasound. I’m also going to see a specialist to see what to do about my disorder. They might give me heparin, a self injection daily that thins the blood, but she wants a specialist to diagnose that. In the meantime I’m popping baby aspirins.

3 metformin tablets. 1 prenatal. 1 baby aspirin. 1 nightly dose of progesterone. I will hang upside down naked from a tree in my front yard if you can promise me I will have my baby healthy and happy in nine months. Keep the meds coming, just give me my baby.

FUCK. I really wish it wasn’t so fucking hard all the fucking time.

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Random this and that

July 14, 2009

Lately I’ve been feeling a wierd fidgety feeling I have not felt before. Today I looked at the side effect label of the progesterone and among the many possible side effects one is increased nervousness. Well then. It’s funny considering this one is stated to help women with progesterone issues to conceive or maintain their pregnancy. A side effect such as increased nervouness should get a double take by the FDA considering the women who will be taking it are already preinclined to nervous tendencies.

I told my mom and she is through the roof happy. She then told me stories of about three friends who are very concerned about the state of my childlessness. One of my friends does a special prayer just for you each evening. I really feel disconcerted by the fact that my business is her friend’s business. I don’t even really talk about it with my friends but it seems based on the volume of stories she shares, everyone including the neighborhood cat knows about me. If I ask her she denies until the sun comes up but I know my mom, she can accidentally let slip many a thing without realizing. Or choosing not to realize. Her innocent stories like Maya’s mom told me she miscarried at three months also! When I ask her if she told Maya’s mom about me, my mom denies it, but I find it hard to believe this conversation randomly came up recently. It makes me feel weird next time I see Maya to know she knows so much of my life that I work so hard to maintain privacy around. Another example, at a dinner party, a friend of my mom’s said to me, your mom wants to be a grandma! To which my mom shook her head and sighed deeply Well, one can only hope and pray. The lady turned red and apologized. To date, my mom doesn’t see that as saying anything! It frustrates me because I know that she is telling me about her friends because she thinks it helps but it doesn’t help to know that she’s formed her own support group for not having a grandkid. I don’t know how deal with it because she’s my mom and I love her and I know it’s an argument waiting to happen.

In other news the progesterone or my own thoughts are making me a little nervous. I’m not nauseous at all. My boobs which were sore and painful are normal again. I do still wake to pee at night, but other than that there are simply no symptoms. Last time I got the “tsk tsk” from friends who accused me of not being grateful for the lack of symptoms when many have such severe symptoms. No one can understand save you who have been in my shoes how badly I want these symptoms because it means something is there. The Mayo Clinic says if you have no preggo symptoms its a sign of potentially impending miscarriage. Was correct last time, ofcourse I’m nervous it may happen this time.

I’m not fidgeting around with tears or anything like that. I’ve tried and partly succeeded with making peace with the fact that I *may* have a miscarriage again. I don’t WANT one. I will be sad if it happens, but I am hoping for the best while sort of preparing for the worst. I wish I could behave differently but its how I’m wired.

Thursday has never felt further away.