Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy Tests’

h1

Becky and Mabel: The epic struggle

September 9, 2009

Pregnancy discussed.

Lately it feels like I have multiple personalities, and they don’t get along. There’s Becky. She has two ponytails laced with ribbons and wears a pink cheerleader outfit. She has two giant pom poms and loves daisies, springtime, and kittens. Then there’s Mabel. She wears black, paints her fingernails purple, smokes cigarettes in the girls bathroom. She loves beating up freshmen, killing bunnies, and glaring. A typical day:

Becky: Nausea! I have nausea! This is good!
Mabel: Uh yeah, sure. If you didn’t eat so fucking much you’d feel fine.
Becky: The ultrasound will be so exciting!
Mabel: (Yawn) Because seeing a heartbeat means something right?
Becky: Ooh I’m getting stretchy feelings in my uterus, it must be growing!
Mabel: Or you’re about to have a miscarriage, you idiot.
Becky: Katery put up pictures of her crib. I can’t wait to crib shop.
Mabel: You are not her. You have no business dreaming.
Becky: But this could be it!
Mabel: But it’s probably not, so burn the damn pom pom before I stuff you in a locker.

For the past two weeks I’ve been doing pretty good about keeping Becky stuffed in the boys locker room. But Jack, he’s so hopeful lately and as much as I try to resist its contagious. He’s named it sunflower. He’s figured out the approximate due date. He talks to it. He didn’t do this last time. After we lost Speck he said he’d never do it again so I don’t get why he’s doing it now. I don’t want to tell him not to because seeing him excited fills me with so much warmth, but at the same time the fucking pom poms come out and I actually start looking at the gerber ad on TV and think I’m gonna hand make my baby food. These thoughts are always followed by a quick reprimand to Becky to stop this silly hope business. I’m fine with you sitting in a corner emitting gentle rays, but to leap up and start doing the macarena? No! No! No! You’ve had two losses and you’re at higher risk for a third. Protect your fucking heart. What the hell is wrong with you?

So yes, it seems that multiple losses leads to multiple personalities. I’m doing my best to manage both sides of myself, but if you see Becky jumping rope or flashing a toothy smile, trip her down the stairs, m’kay?

Advertisements
h1

Thoughts while treading water

September 2, 2009

Pregnancy discussed

Metal mouth. I feel like I’m sucking on a nickel. I think the raging hormones are emerging. Today, I folded my arms and told my boss I didn’t appreciate her giving me new assignments when I was quitting in four days. I felt this weird fury building up inside of me like I wanted to punch her. I never talk back to authority, I’m a sweet meek employee. My uterus is doing minor stretchy things which causes me to run in panic to the bathroom. Yesterday I drove home from work, gripped the banister as I climbed the stairs and collapsed in my work clothes into bed, out stone cold for three hours.  I have rational other explanations for all of these things, besides, how can I take comfort in those when I didn’t wake up to pee last night. The starting of nausea that trailed me all day yesterday is dissipating. The mild symptoms peeking at me give me hope but then they play hide and seek vanishing from my sight for hours or days at a time and I wonder if they’ll ever come back.  I want to know what’s normal. I want to know what to expect. My fingers enter and backspace into the blank space of the google search engine, because I don’t want to do the same old searching that induces sleepless nights.

I am not sitting around crying all day. I am busy closing out my job, visiting family, reading, writing, napping. And eating [I really need to get a handle on that one]. It’s in the off peak hours when I’m alone that the thoughts nag me. I’m a high risk preggo. My odds of a repeat m/c are higher. I remind myself that things are different this time: I’m taking lovenox. My egg is earlier so theoretically fresher. The lovenox remains a painful task. Strangely injections on my left side hardly bruise while my right makes me look like an abused woman. I asked Lovenox HQ  about this but they had no advice except don’t poke the area after. Thanks for that useful nugget. btw- can you carry on lovenox syringes? I’m flying Friday and can’t find information on this on-line.

It’s amazing how I see infertility everywhere. I just finished “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” and one of the characters, Sissy, has ten babies who die minutes after birth. Finally she adopts, falls pregnant but for this birth goes to a hospital where they have the technology to save the baby. Instead of seeing this technology as the reason, Katie, her sister says see? she adopted and boom she has a live baby! that always happens without fail! I’m amazed this is in a book written in the 1940’s.

Kate at I can’t whistle said she feels she writes about the same stuff again and again. I feel that way too today,  like I’m saying the same thing ad nauseum. But each day each old fear feels  new. Each day I have to learn how to cope again. Each day I feel tremulous with wonder that I am still pregnant. Each day I wait for the blood as though its normal to anticipate such things. As many times as I may see it, the pain will never feel old.

To the person/people who submitted my news to LFCA. When I experienced my loss. And this past time, when I learned I was the P word again, thank you for caring and for helping me get support. Here I go repeating the usual, but it bears repeating, I am not sure I’d make it through this winding journey without you. Thank you.

h1

Planning

August 26, 2009

Thank you for your well wishes on my previous post. I’d be lost without you.  My coping mechanisms surprise me. I expected to panic. I feel a bit pensive but very calm. I hope this feeling remains.

I see the hematologist tomorrow to talk about Lovenox. My OBGYN already called in the ‘script. I’m scared of side effects but we’ll see what the hematologist says. Jack thinks I should get my HCG and progesterone drawn to determine the viability of this pregnancy. A part of me considers this, but a larger part shakes its head no. Waiting for those results, the lack of sleep, staring at the phone, anxious shallow breathing- it was brutal.  I don’t want to go through it again. True the results could comfort me but I dread that wait. I don’t know if I can do that wait. The OBGYN’s office asked to schedule a confirmation visit. I stalled. Confirmation visit: pee on a stick, get brochures on pregnancy, have a pelvic exam where you’re told its too soon to see a heartbeat on the u/s so come back in two weeks. No thanks. I’m already getting the meds. I’m considering scheduling a visit in three weeks when we’d find a heart beat. My goal is to stay as peaceful as possible. Any tips on how you find peace much appreciated.

I e-mailed the RE to cancel next week’s appointment. My two word response: ok. canceled. I felt taken aback. No good luck? No, that’s good news? They deal with IF day in day out so I thought they’d give a friendlier response. I never felt more like a canceled business transaction before.

The evening is drawing to a close and I glance at my pregnancy test. I’m struck by the first thought that comes to mind as I look at the two bars. Will this time be it? Have I paid enough? Am I absolved? I’m surprised by these thoughts, but this year has felt like a sort of purgatory where I sit and wonder what I did. I hope the lovenox works. I hope an earlier egg is a fresher egg. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope my penance is complete.

h1

13dpo and . . .

August 25, 2009

It’s positive.

Faint but definitely there.

I’m happy but scared. This is my third pregnancy in 2009.

I hesitated posting, especially during ICLW. I hope no one finds this and feels the gut wrenching mixed emotions that the news of someone’s pregnancy can give. Please know that though this positive is good, I’m still scared. Please know I’ve struggled for nearly two years to hold a child in my arms. I feel guilty sharing because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I share because the stories  of others gave me hope on dark nights, and because day has still not broken here. I’m not out of the woods and I need the support of my IF sisters.

This is the first time I conceived on an on-time ovulation.  I only get on-time ovulation after miscarriages which is why this time I did not wait a cycle like my doctor asked. I am hoping and praying this means my egg is fresh, that perhaps it will stick. I’m seeing the hematologist tomorrow who will give me the final verdict on lovenox for my clotting disorder. I’m itching to ask the OBGYN for it now, but a day should be fine.

Please, no congratulations. As most of you know, this positive does not guaruntee anything but gives so much- hope. Please hope with me, but please do not congratulate. The memories of the two I lost in 2009 are still too raw and  I know how much I stand to lose. It won’t be until I have a baby in my arms, healthy and happy, that I will breathe my sigh of relief.

h1

12dpo and negative pregnancy tests

August 24, 2009

We’re back from my in-laws. I spent the majority of the time curled up on a sofa reading books, or napping but I can’t complain because I did not bleed. Speaking of signs, my glorious signs hinting at possible pregnancy, they’re gone save the occasional needing to go to the bathroom at night. I took a pregnancy test today, 12dpo, negative. I’m telling myself its still early, that I woke up to pee twice last night and took this test an hour after my last bathroom visit, that I usually test way later for a positive,  so perhaps it means nothing, but- seeing the stark blankness where I twice before saw a dark line does wonders in bringing down my mood. I had spotting last Tues/Wedns, shouldn’t the HCG be detectable now?  I will re-test Wednesday, the day my period is due, but I can’t help but wonder what would change in a matter of just a few days.

Friday as we drove to South Carolina, we stopped for dinner. Having eaten too much we decided to take a walk in the little plaza so we didn’t feel queasy driving the two remaining hours. The Kohls looked bright and inviting so we stepped into the cool air conditioning and walked around. Just as we were about to leave I stopped in my tracks. The picture frame aisle. Rows of beaded frames with red stickers announcing markdowns and then, one frame, round and yellow, a huge sunflower frame. It transported me back to the field of dead sunflowers, and that one that remained alive and vibrant. My sunflower hope. I went to the register and told Jack when our baby is born, the first picture is going in this frame.

Seeing a negative makes you feel silly for such spontaneous acts of hope. Its the very definition of a burst balloon. The negative is a snide laugh ringing in my head whispering hurtful words you really thought you were? how dumb are you? We all feel sad when we see a negative, but the other feeling, of shame to have dared dreamed, of helplessness that nothing, not even EWCM and perfect timing guaruntees anything, those feelings sting at a baser level.

I will test again Wednesday and I will try to tell myself its okay if I’m not pregnant. It’s just tough to self-pep when you just felt so fucking sure.

h1

Its not sign hunting if the signs hunt you!*

August 19, 2009

7dpo: mild cramping and then, spotting. I think. I wore pink  so its ambiguous. Asked Jack for a second opinion. Never saw a man flee so fast. I will not buy a bucket of HPTs. This means nothing. Yep, that should do it. Sigh. *If its implantation bleeding is it normal to spot for two days? And when could I take an HPT for accurate results?*

h1

To TTC or not TTC, that is the question

August 8, 2009

The first time we tried to conceive I remember walking around with the satisfaction of knowing we’d conceived. 1 + 2 = 3 after all, right? I’ve since learned, I can’t do math.  Each month we tried and each month found me in the cold morning hours sitting on the tub staring at the HPT begging for that second line, thinking if I could will it, it would appear. It never did, not for 13 months and then on month 14 there it was, the second red line so faint but there. I miscarried ofcourse and planned for another long infertility filled road ahead, and then about 8 weeks after my miscarriage I saw the line again, darker this time, silly me thought that meant this one would stick.

My miscarriage seems over though a beta on August 13 will decide on that definitively and I noticed yesterday the beginning of what appears to be a normal cycle. And I have a confession to make. I cringe  but this blog is the one place I can be honest, so I’m going to be honest: I want to try. Now. This cycle. Getting pregnant is so hard for me that the fact that I got pregnant twice makes me want to try the party trick a third time.

Maybe its the latent addict within me. Fucking hell if those positive pregnancy tests are not the most beautiful thing that technology has ever created. I keep all my positive tests and when pregnant they lay on my table and I walk by from time to time just to marvel at the most beautiful line that ever existed. Damn I want to see that line again. Damn I really don’t want to have to wait.

I’ve done my research and it seems that doctors typically want you to wait a cycle because then they can figure out when your due date is, but with me we always have to determine via ultrasound. It seems my issue is clotting which my doctor has already set up a protocol for next time I’m pregnant, and I’ve decided that I would not try to conceive after cycle day 20 because I’ve heard that egg quality worsens upon late ovulation. Considering each time I ovulated it was past CD24 the odds of me conceiving even if I were to TTC now are slim to none because like I said, I refuse to TTC anymore on late ovulations if that means an increased risk of miscarriage.

But- what if this time I ovulated a bit earlier? What if the EWCM is glorious? Right after miscarriage 1, two weeks after my HCG went to zero I had an ontime ovulation. It felt amazing to have a normal cycle and sometimes I really regret ignoring Jack’s urging to go ahead and try. Maybe we’d have had a nice perky egg, maybe it would have made all the difference.  I don’t know. I could never be sure.

So that’s where I am right now, playing tug of war with my heart and mind. I wish there was an easy answer, a simple solution. Perhaps my PCOS and its nonovulating nature will take care of the answer for me but for now I remain the idiotic optimistic deigning to think I may ovulate and deigning to think I have any say on matters of my own conception.