Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy Tests’

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Becky and Mabel: The epic struggle

September 9, 2009

Pregnancy discussed.

Lately it feels like I have multiple personalities, and they don’t get along. There’s Becky. She has two ponytails laced with ribbons and wears a pink cheerleader outfit. She has two giant pom poms and loves daisies, springtime, and kittens. Then there’s Mabel. She wears black, paints her fingernails purple, smokes cigarettes in the girls bathroom. She loves beating up freshmen, killing bunnies, and glaring. A typical day:

Becky: Nausea! I have nausea! This is good!
Mabel: Uh yeah, sure. If you didn’t eat so fucking much you’d feel fine.
Becky: The ultrasound will be so exciting!
Mabel: (Yawn) Because seeing a heartbeat means something right?
Becky: Ooh I’m getting stretchy feelings in my uterus, it must be growing!
Mabel: Or you’re about to have a miscarriage, you idiot.
Becky: Katery put up pictures of her crib. I can’t wait to crib shop.
Mabel: You are not her. You have no business dreaming.
Becky: But this could be it!
Mabel: But it’s probably not, so burn the damn pom pom before I stuff you in a locker.

For the past two weeks I’ve been doing pretty good about keeping Becky stuffed in the boys locker room. But Jack, he’s so hopeful lately and as much as I try to resist its contagious. He’s named it sunflower. He’s figured out the approximate due date. He talks to it. He didn’t do this last time. After we lost Speck he said he’d never do it again so I don’t get why he’s doing it now. I don’t want to tell him not to because seeing him excited fills me with so much warmth, but at the same time the fucking pom poms come out and I actually start looking at the gerber ad on TV and think I’m gonna hand make my baby food. These thoughts are always followed by a quick reprimand to Becky to stop this silly hope business. I’m fine with you sitting in a corner emitting gentle rays, but to leap up and start doing the macarena? No! No! No! You’ve had two losses and you’re at higher risk for a third. Protect your fucking heart. What the hell is wrong with you?

So yes, it seems that multiple losses leads to multiple personalities. I’m doing my best to manage both sides of myself, but if you see Becky jumping rope or flashing a toothy smile, trip her down the stairs, m’kay?

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Thoughts while treading water

September 2, 2009

Pregnancy discussed

Metal mouth. I feel like I’m sucking on a nickel. I think the raging hormones are emerging. Today, I folded my arms and told my boss I didn’t appreciate her giving me new assignments when I was quitting in four days. I felt this weird fury building up inside of me like I wanted to punch her. I never talk back to authority, I’m a sweet meek employee. My uterus is doing minor stretchy things which causes me to run in panic to the bathroom. Yesterday I drove home from work, gripped the banister as I climbed the stairs and collapsed in my work clothes into bed, out stone cold for three hours.  I have rational other explanations for all of these things, besides, how can I take comfort in those when I didn’t wake up to pee last night. The starting of nausea that trailed me all day yesterday is dissipating. The mild symptoms peeking at me give me hope but then they play hide and seek vanishing from my sight for hours or days at a time and I wonder if they’ll ever come back.  I want to know what’s normal. I want to know what to expect. My fingers enter and backspace into the blank space of the google search engine, because I don’t want to do the same old searching that induces sleepless nights.

I am not sitting around crying all day. I am busy closing out my job, visiting family, reading, writing, napping. And eating [I really need to get a handle on that one]. It’s in the off peak hours when I’m alone that the thoughts nag me. I’m a high risk preggo. My odds of a repeat m/c are higher. I remind myself that things are different this time: I’m taking lovenox. My egg is earlier so theoretically fresher. The lovenox remains a painful task. Strangely injections on my left side hardly bruise while my right makes me look like an abused woman. I asked Lovenox HQ  about this but they had no advice except don’t poke the area after. Thanks for that useful nugget. btw- can you carry on lovenox syringes? I’m flying Friday and can’t find information on this on-line.

It’s amazing how I see infertility everywhere. I just finished “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” and one of the characters, Sissy, has ten babies who die minutes after birth. Finally she adopts, falls pregnant but for this birth goes to a hospital where they have the technology to save the baby. Instead of seeing this technology as the reason, Katie, her sister says see? she adopted and boom she has a live baby! that always happens without fail! I’m amazed this is in a book written in the 1940’s.

Kate at I can’t whistle said she feels she writes about the same stuff again and again. I feel that way too today,  like I’m saying the same thing ad nauseum. But each day each old fear feels  new. Each day I have to learn how to cope again. Each day I feel tremulous with wonder that I am still pregnant. Each day I wait for the blood as though its normal to anticipate such things. As many times as I may see it, the pain will never feel old.

To the person/people who submitted my news to LFCA. When I experienced my loss. And this past time, when I learned I was the P word again, thank you for caring and for helping me get support. Here I go repeating the usual, but it bears repeating, I am not sure I’d make it through this winding journey without you. Thank you.

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Planning

August 26, 2009

Thank you for your well wishes on my previous post. I’d be lost without you.  My coping mechanisms surprise me. I expected to panic. I feel a bit pensive but very calm. I hope this feeling remains.

I see the hematologist tomorrow to talk about Lovenox. My OBGYN already called in the ‘script. I’m scared of side effects but we’ll see what the hematologist says. Jack thinks I should get my HCG and progesterone drawn to determine the viability of this pregnancy. A part of me considers this, but a larger part shakes its head no. Waiting for those results, the lack of sleep, staring at the phone, anxious shallow breathing- it was brutal.  I don’t want to go through it again. True the results could comfort me but I dread that wait. I don’t know if I can do that wait. The OBGYN’s office asked to schedule a confirmation visit. I stalled. Confirmation visit: pee on a stick, get brochures on pregnancy, have a pelvic exam where you’re told its too soon to see a heartbeat on the u/s so come back in two weeks. No thanks. I’m already getting the meds. I’m considering scheduling a visit in three weeks when we’d find a heart beat. My goal is to stay as peaceful as possible. Any tips on how you find peace much appreciated.

I e-mailed the RE to cancel next week’s appointment. My two word response: ok. canceled. I felt taken aback. No good luck? No, that’s good news? They deal with IF day in day out so I thought they’d give a friendlier response. I never felt more like a canceled business transaction before.

The evening is drawing to a close and I glance at my pregnancy test. I’m struck by the first thought that comes to mind as I look at the two bars. Will this time be it? Have I paid enough? Am I absolved? I’m surprised by these thoughts, but this year has felt like a sort of purgatory where I sit and wonder what I did. I hope the lovenox works. I hope an earlier egg is a fresher egg. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope my penance is complete.

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13dpo and . . .

August 25, 2009

It’s positive.

Faint but definitely there.

I’m happy but scared. This is my third pregnancy in 2009.

I hesitated posting, especially during ICLW. I hope no one finds this and feels the gut wrenching mixed emotions that the news of someone’s pregnancy can give. Please know that though this positive is good, I’m still scared. Please know I’ve struggled for nearly two years to hold a child in my arms. I feel guilty sharing because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I share because the stories  of others gave me hope on dark nights, and because day has still not broken here. I’m not out of the woods and I need the support of my IF sisters.

This is the first time I conceived on an on-time ovulation.  I only get on-time ovulation after miscarriages which is why this time I did not wait a cycle like my doctor asked. I am hoping and praying this means my egg is fresh, that perhaps it will stick. I’m seeing the hematologist tomorrow who will give me the final verdict on lovenox for my clotting disorder. I’m itching to ask the OBGYN for it now, but a day should be fine.

Please, no congratulations. As most of you know, this positive does not guaruntee anything but gives so much- hope. Please hope with me, but please do not congratulate. The memories of the two I lost in 2009 are still too raw and  I know how much I stand to lose. It won’t be until I have a baby in my arms, healthy and happy, that I will breathe my sigh of relief.

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12dpo and negative pregnancy tests

August 24, 2009

We’re back from my in-laws. I spent the majority of the time curled up on a sofa reading books, or napping but I can’t complain because I did not bleed. Speaking of signs, my glorious signs hinting at possible pregnancy, they’re gone save the occasional needing to go to the bathroom at night. I took a pregnancy test today, 12dpo, negative. I’m telling myself its still early, that I woke up to pee twice last night and took this test an hour after my last bathroom visit, that I usually test way later for a positive,  so perhaps it means nothing, but- seeing the stark blankness where I twice before saw a dark line does wonders in bringing down my mood. I had spotting last Tues/Wedns, shouldn’t the HCG be detectable now?  I will re-test Wednesday, the day my period is due, but I can’t help but wonder what would change in a matter of just a few days.

Friday as we drove to South Carolina, we stopped for dinner. Having eaten too much we decided to take a walk in the little plaza so we didn’t feel queasy driving the two remaining hours. The Kohls looked bright and inviting so we stepped into the cool air conditioning and walked around. Just as we were about to leave I stopped in my tracks. The picture frame aisle. Rows of beaded frames with red stickers announcing markdowns and then, one frame, round and yellow, a huge sunflower frame. It transported me back to the field of dead sunflowers, and that one that remained alive and vibrant. My sunflower hope. I went to the register and told Jack when our baby is born, the first picture is going in this frame.

Seeing a negative makes you feel silly for such spontaneous acts of hope. Its the very definition of a burst balloon. The negative is a snide laugh ringing in my head whispering hurtful words you really thought you were? how dumb are you? We all feel sad when we see a negative, but the other feeling, of shame to have dared dreamed, of helplessness that nothing, not even EWCM and perfect timing guaruntees anything, those feelings sting at a baser level.

I will test again Wednesday and I will try to tell myself its okay if I’m not pregnant. It’s just tough to self-pep when you just felt so fucking sure.

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Its not sign hunting if the signs hunt you!*

August 19, 2009

7dpo: mild cramping and then, spotting. I think. I wore pink  so its ambiguous. Asked Jack for a second opinion. Never saw a man flee so fast. I will not buy a bucket of HPTs. This means nothing. Yep, that should do it. Sigh. *If its implantation bleeding is it normal to spot for two days? And when could I take an HPT for accurate results?*

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To TTC or not TTC, that is the question

August 8, 2009

The first time we tried to conceive I remember walking around with the satisfaction of knowing we’d conceived. 1 + 2 = 3 after all, right? I’ve since learned, I can’t do math.  Each month we tried and each month found me in the cold morning hours sitting on the tub staring at the HPT begging for that second line, thinking if I could will it, it would appear. It never did, not for 13 months and then on month 14 there it was, the second red line so faint but there. I miscarried ofcourse and planned for another long infertility filled road ahead, and then about 8 weeks after my miscarriage I saw the line again, darker this time, silly me thought that meant this one would stick.

My miscarriage seems over though a beta on August 13 will decide on that definitively and I noticed yesterday the beginning of what appears to be a normal cycle. And I have a confession to make. I cringe  but this blog is the one place I can be honest, so I’m going to be honest: I want to try. Now. This cycle. Getting pregnant is so hard for me that the fact that I got pregnant twice makes me want to try the party trick a third time.

Maybe its the latent addict within me. Fucking hell if those positive pregnancy tests are not the most beautiful thing that technology has ever created. I keep all my positive tests and when pregnant they lay on my table and I walk by from time to time just to marvel at the most beautiful line that ever existed. Damn I want to see that line again. Damn I really don’t want to have to wait.

I’ve done my research and it seems that doctors typically want you to wait a cycle because then they can figure out when your due date is, but with me we always have to determine via ultrasound. It seems my issue is clotting which my doctor has already set up a protocol for next time I’m pregnant, and I’ve decided that I would not try to conceive after cycle day 20 because I’ve heard that egg quality worsens upon late ovulation. Considering each time I ovulated it was past CD24 the odds of me conceiving even if I were to TTC now are slim to none because like I said, I refuse to TTC anymore on late ovulations if that means an increased risk of miscarriage.

But- what if this time I ovulated a bit earlier? What if the EWCM is glorious? Right after miscarriage 1, two weeks after my HCG went to zero I had an ontime ovulation. It felt amazing to have a normal cycle and sometimes I really regret ignoring Jack’s urging to go ahead and try. Maybe we’d have had a nice perky egg, maybe it would have made all the difference.  I don’t know. I could never be sure.

So that’s where I am right now, playing tug of war with my heart and mind. I wish there was an easy answer, a simple solution. Perhaps my PCOS and its nonovulating nature will take care of the answer for me but for now I remain the idiotic optimistic deigning to think I may ovulate and deigning to think I have any say on matters of my own conception.

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Umm. Oh my God.

July 8, 2009

So I’m on day 600 of no period (give or take a few) and was sitting to blog about the frustration of no period going on two months. I was ready to call my doctor. She gave me progesterone and I still had not gotten a period. What’s up with that? A week ago I thought I was about to get it because I had a spot of blood but then nothing. I was trying to keep my vow of no more preggo tests but I went grocery shopping and picked up one up and umm . . .

It’s positive.

Two lines.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I called the doctor because I’m afraid, does progesterone cause false positives? I don’t know. The line is DARKER than the control line.

Um. Um. Um.

I’m waiting for my doctor to call me back. The wait is excruciating.

If you are one of the three people who read this that know me in real life please pretend at the moment that you do not know me.  Jack made me promise never to again tell so soon about my pregnancy and though if you read and know me you this is kind of weird, just please don’t mention it to me until I’m ready to mention it to you.

Besides, right now I’m not even sure if I’m really pregnant.

CALL doctor. Call!

*Update* The nurse called and said the progesterone does not cause false positives and that I am in fact pregnant. I’m scheduled to go in next Thursday to confirm and I just had to fight to get the nurse to ask the doctor to call in an order of progesterone for me. She was like we can do that when you come in thursday. I told her I just had a miscarriage and I’m pretty paranoid low progesterone caused it so can you please see if some can be ordered for me? Hopefully it will.

I really am still in complete and utter shock.

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My upcoming OBGYN visit

June 23, 2009

3:15 today I go to see my OBGYN. I’m nervous. Why are you nervous? Jack asked me this morning. I’ve thought about it. Why am I nervous. I don’t get any test results today.  It’s a consult. We’re just talking. I’ve thought about it and these are some of my reasons:

1. I’m afraid she won’t give me progesterone to induce my period. I’m on CD43. My longest cycle to date. In December when my period was delayed and I called to ask for it, she said no, that because I have PCOS I needed to just wait it out.

2. I’m afraid she’s going to tell me to wait three more cycles before giving me Clomid.

3. I’m afraid I’m not going to like her timeline for me in general.

4. I’m afraid she will retract her promise to test me for auto-immune issues, etc to determine a possible cause for my miscarriage.

5. I’m afraid that even if she agrees to work with me her time line is going to be very very long. It’s difficult to get fit in for appointments with her.

6. I have been having the weirdest things happening. Lower back pain. Things rumbling in my ovaries. My boobs swell from time to time. I’m afraid she will dismiss this all and give me no explanation.

7. I’m afraid I will break down seeing pregnant women around me, and remembering I’d be in my fifth month right now.

and . . .

8. I’ll  POAS and she’ll likely do a blood test to make sure I’m not pregnant. I know I’m not. I can tell myself this until I’m chanting like a Buddhist monk saying nothing but these words as my mantra, yet still, when she tells me: Negative. It’s going to sting like a slap. Am I the only one who not only feels sad when they see the BFN, but also embarrassed?

I am trying to accept my infertility, and the feeling of no control. The doctor has the control. She is my key to the one thing I want most in this world. I stare at her, a prisonor in my own body, asking for her help. We are so vulnerable at the doctor’s office. I know I will see an RE but today, its just a little stressful.

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This and that

June 19, 2009

Thanks to advice I received from my blogging community I talked to Jack and we’re seriously considering seeing an RE. I know a good one who worked wonders (i.e. two babies) for a friend of mine with PCOS, so I know he’s good. The only problem has been insurance doesn’t cover it and its a helluva pricey bill to foot. I felt if my OBGYN is giving me Metformin and I got pregnant under her watch, shouldn’t I just stick with her? I tell myself this but then I also feel she isn’t moving me along as fast as I would like. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday so we’ll see what she has to say. Jack said he supports me seeing an RE if I’m not pregnant this cycle, so we may do that depending on Tuesdays meeting.  Thank you so much for giving me advice guys. It’s thanks to this blog that I went to a new doctor when all this began. People told me to ditch a doctor who insisted I didn’t have anything wrong with me and be my own best advocate. Thanks to that I got diagnosed. So I appreciate it so much.

I went to see my therapist today and it helped me deal with how I’m feeling. I want to share some of it because I know many reading are dealing with IF and surely have felt as I do, and maybe some of this might help you. The first thing is I need to stop taking a HPT every day. The new rule for me is twice a cycle, one week apart, and I can only buy off the internet to prevent myself from going to CVS and buying a three pack. The effect of BFN every single morning can single handedly ruin my day. I should also limit my internet “researching” to 30 minutes a day and try to make weekends “research free” days. By research I mean googling for signs and symptoms, and scary stories and hopeful stories. To a certain point its good to know, but once you pass that point, you are not helping yourself, you are stuck. The most important one was not to talk about this incessantly with your spouse because if you stop and just fixate on one thing you are harming your marriage. A marriage is multifaceted and to make this the entire center of your life is unhealthy. He also said to find some peace through prayer, meditation, etc. I’m struggling hard to find my way back to spirituality. I once was strong but lately I am weak, this makes it harder to accept this as meant to be, a test, happening for a reason. I know I need to find a way to center myself. He also said exercise helps burn adrenaline and should be incorporated on the daily. I was exercising regularly but when you get depressed, you don’t want to do anything. I plan to resume again tomorrow.

I’m reading a book called “Get Off Your ‘But'” and this quote really struck me: Pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional. Lately, I’ve been suffering a lot. I accept that infertility is a pain that is my reality, but the suffering, I need to get a handle on it. I’m not sure how to do this yet, but I am starting to actively try.

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Tired. So Tired.

June 17, 2009

There is a constant ache in my heart. I can smile, I can laugh, I can behave like a functional member of society, but the truth is, inside I am constantly splintering into a million different peices. Rebuilding, then crushing like dust once more.

My body is playing tricks with me. Still exhausted. Still no period. Still sore boobs. Still thirsty. Still strange discharge. I woke up at 4am last night to pee. Only did that when I was pregnant. I took another test, BFN.

I know that PCOS means wonky cycles, but Metformin was supposed to fix that. The first few months on it, I had regular cycles. This troubles me: out of 12 possible cycles, my lengthy cycles give me around 8 chances and of those, with PCOS, who knows when I ovulated, if even? My doctor will fight me on progesterone to jumpstart this cycle. She will fight me on Clomid. If I can convince her I’ll need to first get an HSG test done, and Jack will need to get a Sperm Analysis. This will take many months. I won’t be on all of this until at least August.  The thought of this, of all the obstacles, and all the time, and all the uncertainty its tearing me apart.

I scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow. Jack was so happy when he found out. Ask him what I should do? Ask him how I can be a good partner for you. I asked him, Are you getting frustrated. He said, Honey, I love you but this is killing me. Your constant pain, your tears, I just don’t know what to do anymore. He said it with love and it broke my heart. I’m hurting. I’m hurting Jack. The thought of hurting this good man brings tears to my eyes.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live my life this way. I need to do some serious soul searching. I need to find a way to make peace with the facts of my life, with my condition, with the reality that I don’t know the future and that I may never have children. I wish I knew how to do this.

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Hit the crack pipe- again

June 15, 2009

Before I tell you, let me explain why I did it:

1. I had to pull my car en route to work because I felt so nauseous I was convinced I’d puke.

2. I’m sprouting acne. I NEVER had acne except when I was . . .

3. I’m on CD 34 and still no period.

4. My boobs are tender to the touch.

5. Oh yeah and I’m on CYCLE DAY 34 AND NO PERIOD!!

I was resolute in my plan to wait until Friday CD38 but the symptoms, I just couldn’t WAIT. I thought of Jack who has told me in no uncertain terms thou shalt not test until Friday, but waved it aside telling myself yeah, but when its POSITIVE then he won’t be mad! [I realize my reasoning is beginning to sound more and more like a 60 year old lady in a straw hat and yellow slippers hitting the slot machine]. I bought the test- a three pack. I sat around at work for approximately ten minutes and then POAS. And yeah, BFN.

Cycle Day34. It should be accurate today . . . right? I try to remind myself that I tested on CD33 when Speck lived in me, and didn’t know his presence until CD38. I’m so unsure which way to talk to myself. Do I talk myself into hope. Or begin mourning the loss of another missed opportunity this cycle. As an infertile, I find it quite difficult to hold the middle ground. It’s so difficult in fact, that I cannot see the middle ground.

So here I am, CD34. Annoyed. Sad. Frustrated. Curious. Hopeful. You name it. I’m it. Though the biggest fear is this, its’ not even the not being pregnant, its more the oh shit, I’m going to have to go through this again next month… and the next… and the next.

Except the worst, but hope for the best. It’s an old saying, but when you’re doing equal parts of both for 2-3 weeks straight, its enough to make you wish you were expecting and hoping for nothing at all.

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Thoughts while awaiting a period

June 14, 2009

I’m on CD32, still no period. I’m determined not to take a pregnancy test until Friday. That would be CD37 and by then any results will be accurate. It’s funny, I’ve been wanting to drink a lot of water lately, I have an unquenchable thirst. This was my first symptom of pregnancy last time though at the time I did not think of it as a symptom but instead just got weirded out at my high level of thirst. Later I read its an early preggo symptom. That’s the one and only symptom these days for me, if it is a symptom at all.  I tell myself I dont think Im pregnant and I tell myself not to raise my hopes, but then when I feel a twinge down there, I tense wondering if my period is coming, and when I tense the thought that instinctively comes to mind is no no no, please no, please let me be pregnant. And this thought sounds so whimpery and pathetic I feel slightly annoyed that I am so vulnerable to the monthly workings of my body.

I’m debating taking my prenatal pills. I avoid taking them lately because taking them reminds me of Speck. I am someone who focuses a great deal on the small things, for better or worse. When I was pregnant, I took the pills and I imagined its nutrients nourishing my speck. I imagined it so well, now I feel strange taking it on an empty womb. But today, I am tempted to resume taking my prenatal vitamins. I’m only afraid it will hurt harder if come tomorrow I bleed.

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Two Months Since My Miscarriage

June 13, 2009

Is it strange that the day I lost my baby is the day my period is due? It’s like my body chooses to honor this loss with the letting of blood within me. I guess that’s kind of a sweet tribute. Kind of like raising a flag half mast in remembrance. It’s been two months today since I lost my baby. I can’t believe its only been two months. It feels as though this ache in my heart has always been there since the beginning of time. It feels it will always remain. I’m doing okay today. Thursday was a bad day. So bad I did not want to get out of bed so did not. Somehow I made it through and today I am fine.

My period is due today, CD31. But since Metformin I’ve only had two cycles and they were 32 and 33 day cycles so my period could come Sunday, or Monday. I can’t even tell if my boobs are sore now because at this point I’ve prodded them so much I can’t be sure.

I took four pregnancy tests during times when a positive was completely unlikely. Now, that its more realistic, I don’t want to take it. The desire to test has completely left me. I guess I know that as the days get closer I can’t wave away the result as being too early. The result will be accurate and though there’s that slim chance of a BFP. . . if I were in vegas I wouldn’t be betting any substantial sum of money on it. At this point, I will likely test on Friday because by then whatever the result it will be pretty accurate.

I’m going to put away the dishes now. An author I love agreed to re-review an excerpt of my manuscript so I need to revise that. Then I will finish a cute book I’m reading [B as in Beauty]. Jack and I might go out tonight to a cute restaurant or chill at home and rent a movie and make pasta. My goal is to be doing doing doing. Moving moving moving. If you stand still the demons inside your head may come out to play. That’s my one goal today, to keep them at bay.

On a random side note, I finished a novella by Steve Martin, Shop Girl [which is surprisingly not bad]  I found this quote interesting: It’s pain that changes our lives. Well infertiles, would you not agree? This constant lingering pain has changed our lives hasn’t it? It’s tilted my world off its fucking axis.

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Still Two Week Waiting

June 10, 2009

Last night I had one of those dreams where you wake up still unconvinced that it did not happen because it felt so real. I dreamt last night that I POAS and it was positive. I hugged Jack. I started counting down the due date and then- the alarm buzzed and I woke up. I woke up feeling sheepish that I had such a silly dream. It did help me not POAS for real this morning. It may help me from POAS until June 17. It felt so good to see that positive in my dream, but, remember I said I thought I was pregnant? Well, all the “Symptoms” are gone. No more exhaustion. No more nausea. My boobs ache a little but a period should be coming on soon. I don’t think I’m pregnant anymore though yes, I do wish and hope I was. So I’m going to do my best to not POAS until  its well past my period due date (since with me, as a PCOSer who knows when the period will actually come, I give it a week give or usually take).

On a random side note. Thank you to the people who comment. It really helps me feel less alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy… but knowing that its okay to feel so scared and upset at times helps me deal better with my condition. Thanks so much.

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Birth Control Pills and my crack habit

June 9, 2009

Watching a birth control pill commercial and I feel wistful. They don’t want no baby and they are in control. I want a baby, and I have no control. Can I possibly convince myself that being childless is my own choice? If I were a master at self delusion, what a charmed life I would then lead.

I’m on CD27 and took another pregnancy test: BFN. I tested on CD33 when I was pregnant and got a BFN. I tested CD 39 and got my BFP. I knew what the results would be. I feel like a crack addict. Like a junkie, I spend tons of money on something I know is no good for me, I hide in the bathroom to get my fix, Jack knows I dabble but has no idea how much of our hard earned money is flushed down that toilet. As soon as I’m done, I feel horrible, but i’m pining for my next fix.

I’m tired.

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Pregnancy Tests

June 4, 2009

When pregnancy test manufacturers stuck “TEST FIVE DAYS SOONER” on the box they knew they hit the jackpot. For infertiles, pregnancy tests are our crack. Let’s be real, we tested before our period prior to them sticking that on the box, but now some of us (ahem) decide to try it even a few days after suspected ovulation thinking well, it’s almost five days sooner.

I should not have taken a pregnancy test. I’m only on CD22. If I did ovulate on CD11 its still too early to test. But you see, my boobs, they’re sore. I’m sleepy. I’m a bit queasy. And yes, I’m a neurotic infertile. So I tested. And yeah, it was a BFN [big fucking NO]. I know it will seem strange but I needed to see that no now while I knew it would say no as opposed to June 17, 2009 about four days after my period is due when I will test again. I needed to see the negative. I needed to ease back into the land of infertility where you feel stuck in a maddening groundhog day of tests that read the same: NO.

I’ve been putting off calling my OBGYN for a consult to discuss the next steps. I am not sure why but I think seeing the BFN reminds me I need to be proactive again. I’m trying to push my miscarriage out of my mind and the feelings of unfairness that follow, you know the whole why am I having to sit here in this silent bathroom staring at this test with desperate longing? I thought I was past this. Yeah, that. It’s a daily struggle, but I continue climbing.

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Pads and Pregnancy Tests

June 11, 2008

I felt strange today as I walked up to the CVS counter and plopped down my two purchases: Pads and Walgreens Pregnancy Test. The cashier raised an eyebrow as he scanned but I shot him a look that sent back to his scanning.

Cycle day 41 and the brown is gone replaced by red. Dark red. But again its not that much, just a little. This is not a normal period. Perhaps I did not ovulate this month and this is an anaovulatory period (A “period” that happens when you do not ovulate). The pregnancy tests say negative and my doctor friend said by now I should show positive if I am.

The agony is excruciating but I am trying to hold on. I’m accepting that this is happening for a reason.

But you know, when I was 14 I said to my mom “Why do people even have kids, I hope I never have them” My mom said “Be careful what you say, you never know when God is listening an will answer your wish” That night I went to the movie rental store and checked out a random movie I’d never heard of, it was about a woman trying to conceive and could not. I felt deathly afraid as if I just got a sign from God that one day I would have problems. Then I shook my head and said, no its a sign that I should appreciate motherhood when it comes.

I think about that moment a lot these days. I think about the words I uttered. And I feel afraid. I just can’t shake the deathly fear that I might never conceive.

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Not Pregnant.

May 3, 2008

Doctor did a blood test. BFN. They want me to come in for a progesterone shot to start my cycle.

I feel like shit. Really truly.

I also hate that no one even tried to address why I felt like I did all month. Why are my breasts still tender. None of this was explained. A whole sea of unanswered questions builds upon the anxiety growing in my heart. She’s a nice lady but she has her own one person practice. Maybe she doesn’t have time to answer these questions. I need a new doctor.

This is a dark day for me. Not because I am not pregnant. If you gave me regular cycles. I will faithfully try, with faith. But 41 days now? And no period in sight? I see nothing but darkness.

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Note to Cashiers

April 23, 2008

When people said they felt embarassed checking out with a bag of maxipads or condoms at the grocery store I thought this was silly. The cashiers have seen it all (after all, their store sells it!) and they would never be so bold as to mention the item?

Why is it that pregnancy tests seem to elicit all sorts of responses? Here are a handful of comments check out folks have given me when paying for a preggers test.

“Haha Naughty Naughty! We know how THAT happens!”

“OHMIGOD!!!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING”

“Congratulations!!!!”

But what if I didnt want to get pregnant? What if I’m checking to see if my deadbeat husband who beat me finally left me and now I am afraid we will be connected for life? What if this was the result of a drunken night and four men and I’m not sure who the baby is? Or what if like me, I’m not getting a positive result like I so desperately want? It can be very very inappropriate.

Sometimes I would buy a few extra things in the hopes that it would get scanned and bagged nearly unnoticed, but I should not have to do thoat!

Cashiers, its sweet for you to be so happy for me, but please please please, just scan and bag that particular item. Anything less like the green peppers, or the guacamole? Lets gab!

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To test or not to test- That is the question

April 23, 2008

The most exciting day in my life will be the day I pee on a stick and it will smile and tell me: Yes! You are Pregnant! YES! YES! YES! Though Just one extra line will also do just fine.

Pregnancy tests these days can detect the HCG pregnancy hormone very early on in the game, as low as 20-25hcg. Its recommended that one take the test with their first morning urine (FMU) because it contains the most concentration but once you have officially missed a period, the tests state it is okay to take the test at any time of the day. If you test once and its (-) and you dont get a period, test again in a week and check again. If you never get a period see your doctor.

If you haven’t taken a pregnancy test, you must know now to brace yourself the shock: Preggers tests are damn expensive! In some ways this is good because it once prevented me from testing too much as the cost was quite prohibitive to daily testing. I must just not have been as crazy then, I suppose! Would you like to know how many pregnancy tests I have all together used/or have in stock during this cycle: 13. Yes, 13 pregnancy tests. Before you commit me under the Baker Act (Sorry attorney humor, we are just not that funny, I guess I’ve now validated this theory)… I have only used 5 of them. Two were First Response regular ones, Three were EPT Certainity with a digital reader (which I really really hate because it just says really big NOT PREGNANT!!!! and even if you’re not, well it just seems hurtful..) Three are Walgreens brand early response and Five that are still coming in the mail are AimSticks.

Aim Sticks are infinitely cheaper than the other ones and come in a pack of five and from what I’ve ready are incredibly reliable. Just perfect for obsessive pee-ers such as myself.

The question is, while I could theoretically pee on a stick tomorrow, and the day after without running out of my current supply, just because I can, should I? Didn’t Malcolm in Jurrassic Park say “Scientists were so keen on making dinos they didn’t stop to think if they SHOULD?” I’m in a similar dilemma here.

Should I practice self restraint and not do this? Or should I have it? That is the question.

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Ways To Pass Your Time During the TWW

April 22, 2008
  1. Annoy all your closest friends by calling them often and describing every single symptom phantom or otherwise and try not to notice as they blush when you describe in obscene detail the nature of your boobs.
  2. Google and internet search for anything and everything pregnancy sign and symptom related and start checking yourself to see if you have it.
  3. Break your bank account by buying tons and tons of pregnancy tests. Ignore the advice to test every few days. Test Daily! Money? So overrated.
  4. Scare yourself silly by reading scary stories about early miscarriages and proceed to panic at every uncomfortable cramp.
  5. Tell yourself “I refuse to think about it ANYMORE” because, yeah, that really works.
  6. Ignore everything from #1-#5