Miscarriage- Don’t be ashamed

April 19, 2009

There is a standard three month rule I grew up hearing: Don’t tell people you are expecting until three months because your risk of miscarriage is highest before three months.

But why don’t you want people to know? Is it because you’re ashamed or because its difficult to “untell” all the people you told.

Personally, it killed me to tell my brothers and parents that I miscarried because of the excitement I’d heard in their voicse when I first told them I was pregnant. It hurt to hear the sadness. I realize it was concern for me, but I felt sad for the hopes they had raised.

However- people have been my support. Those who know have written me and called and sent flowers and these small acts of kindness have helped me survive.

There is no need to be ashamed. Its a horrible miserable tragedy. But like any other issue such as a broken bone, or an amputated arm, its not your fault and you have no reason to feel ashamed.

I wish all women who miscarried, all one out of four of us would speak out and tell others so that we could all turn to each other.

I read a statistic that one million American women miscarry each year.

You would’nt know it from the crickets chirping on the subject.



  1. I so agree! As hard as it is to “untell”, the support of the people around you is something that you can’t provide for yourself and it helps you heal. For so long I felt that I had disappointed my father by not being able to give him a grandchild, and I regretted telling him I was pregnant in the first place. Looking back I realize that he wasn’t ever disappointed, just concerned for me.

  2. From my experience I don’t think the 3 month rule helps anyone. I told a few close relatives and friends, and when I miscarried, the secret got out that I had been pregnant AND had miscarried. The people close to me got good news followed by sad news, and the people who didn’t know I was pregnant only got the bad news, in which case there were no words of concern because they weren’t supposed to know. I wish I had the support of all my family and friends, and I’d be willing to listen to the bad advice and thoughtless cliches (‘it was meant to be’) if I could get more sympathy or a simple ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. It’s a taboo subject in our society, and I wish it wasn’t, because silence doesn’t make it any easier.

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