Posts Tagged ‘TWW’

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Thoughts While Climbing K-2

August 25, 2009

Spain in July is sizzling and after eight days of blistering weather, we decided to drive up to the Sierra Nevada and its snow capped peaks. Chilly weather guaranteed. The guide book directed us to one mountain in particular promising a mere 100 yard hike to reach the summit from where the ocean and Morocco would be visible with the naked eye. Eager, we began our hike uphill. But the mountain was deceiving for it curved. The further we hiked the longer the horizon of mountain stretched before us. Jack took long strides while I stayed further behind taking baby steps, pausing to catch my breath (little did I know I was pregnant with loss #2). After an hour we looked at each other puzzled. Certainly we’d walked 100 yards. Finally I asked a hiker coming downhill, How much longer? She smiled, not much, about two hours. Our jaws dropped. We never knew it would be so far. Want to keep going? Jack asked. I nodded. I’ll keep going until we get there. We hiked another hour and finally Jack turned around The sun is setting and we still have far to go. I think we should turn around. I protested. I wanted to keep going. You look drained, we brought no water, how do you want to continue? I shook my head. I didn’t know why, but we had to see the ocean. Gently he put his hand on my shoulder we had no idea it would be this far. The guide book was wrong, we need to stop.

Today at work I clicked on a blog and was assaulted by the image of a lovely woman rubbing her belly with the words: Due date November 3. That was my due date. I pressed play on my answering machine. My insurance company congratulating me on my third trimester and wondering why I haven’t filled out sent questionnaires. I sat down, tired, and thought of my negative pg test.  The guide books lied. Sex and pre-natals and little fairy dust is not all it takes to have a baby. Lately it feels the longer I hike, the further the mountain stretches before me.  As the sun sets around me I wonder will I ever see the ocean? Will these blistered feet ever stop aching?

I’m trying not to let my infertility own me, but sometimes that bitch just tackles me to the ground. Still I trudge on because I’ve heard once you reach the summit the painful hike feels light years ago and you nod and say it was worth it. Will I get to see it for myself? Most days I think I will, but sometimes like now, I feel doubt.

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12dpo and negative pregnancy tests

August 24, 2009

We’re back from my in-laws. I spent the majority of the time curled up on a sofa reading books, or napping but I can’t complain because I did not bleed. Speaking of signs, my glorious signs hinting at possible pregnancy, they’re gone save the occasional needing to go to the bathroom at night. I took a pregnancy test today, 12dpo, negative. I’m telling myself its still early, that I woke up to pee twice last night and took this test an hour after my last bathroom visit, that I usually test way later for a positive,  so perhaps it means nothing, but- seeing the stark blankness where I twice before saw a dark line does wonders in bringing down my mood. I had spotting last Tues/Wedns, shouldn’t the HCG be detectable now?  I will re-test Wednesday, the day my period is due, but I can’t help but wonder what would change in a matter of just a few days.

Friday as we drove to South Carolina, we stopped for dinner. Having eaten too much we decided to take a walk in the little plaza so we didn’t feel queasy driving the two remaining hours. The Kohls looked bright and inviting so we stepped into the cool air conditioning and walked around. Just as we were about to leave I stopped in my tracks. The picture frame aisle. Rows of beaded frames with red stickers announcing markdowns and then, one frame, round and yellow, a huge sunflower frame. It transported me back to the field of dead sunflowers, and that one that remained alive and vibrant. My sunflower hope. I went to the register and told Jack when our baby is born, the first picture is going in this frame.

Seeing a negative makes you feel silly for such spontaneous acts of hope. Its the very definition of a burst balloon. The negative is a snide laugh ringing in my head whispering hurtful words you really thought you were? how dumb are you? We all feel sad when we see a negative, but the other feeling, of shame to have dared dreamed, of helplessness that nothing, not even EWCM and perfect timing guaruntees anything, those feelings sting at a baser level.

I will test again Wednesday and I will try to tell myself its okay if I’m not pregnant. It’s just tough to self-pep when you just felt so fucking sure.

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ICLW, Octomom, 9dpo, and in-laws

August 21, 2009

ICLW: Welcome ICLWers! This is my first time and I’m excited to discover new blogs. Blogging has helped me preserve my sanity in my darkest moments. Since my first miscarriage in April, I write a post nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. Through writing and reading your blogs I’ve learned so much about my conditions and how to be a better advocate for myself. I’ve learned that some things that feel crazy are normal in the world of an IFer. Writing helps me make sense of my world, and reading your blogs helps me remember I’m not alone. I can’t say it enough, thanks for writing and thanks for reading. Only we get we.

Octomom: I’m not proud of myself but I watched the Fox special. [Some think its wrong to call her octomom but she trademarked the name!] I’m not sure what the IF community thinks about her, but I watched with the idea that perhaps this show would reveal a sympathetic person. It didnt. The children looked depressed and angry. Not once did I see any child show affection for their mother though her two year old called her a bitch twice and one of the older children told her she was not the best parent. Not one volunteered to wish her a happy mother’s day.  She held one of the octuplets without supporting their heads, chatting with photographers with her manicured nails and the baby spit up and its coming down his little chin and she doesn’t notice because she’s too busy talking about how involved she is. What bothers me most is that IF is a hush hush topic in the US and the people who are notoriously IF, their struggles broadcast to millions is her and John&Kate +8. These rare exceptions sensationalize the topic of IF turning our issues into a circus show. I get that this draws greater ratings but the toxic comments left on message boards about these women are not directed solely at them, but to the IF community in general.

9dpo: Someone in my last post commented that 8dpo brings out the crazies in us IFers. Truer words were never spoken. The wondering of am I? Am I not? is now in full swing. Last night I got up to pee (only happens when pregnant) but then a part of me wonders Is this psychosomatic? Am I making this happen? I’m not nauseous, the boobs aren’t that sore anymore. . . time will tell, but time let me tell you something, thou are a bitch sometimes! And speaking of the tww crazies . . .

In-laws!: If you are new to my blog please read here so you understand my unique in-law woes. In brief though, every time I see them I bleed (i.e. get a period or miscarry). I know logically they’re not the cause of this but the coincidence is frightening. We’re going today to  South Carolina this weekend to see them.  I don’t have a choice. It’s a big event and Jack is adamant this is all in my head. I”m sure he’s right. There’s no rational way that my in-laws cause my bleeding. They want grand kids, they’re not sending evil vibes! I’m not even that stressed when I see them. I just don’t get it. He’s ordered me not to touch those pee sticks until we come back because he knows if it shows up positive I. will. not. go. I’m not due for a period until 8/26, so hopefully this means I’m safe. Right? Please tell me its all been a terrible coincidence? Please tell me to chill out and go for long walks and remain calm?

We come back Sunday and I’ll be without Internet while there. If you believe in prayers please keep me in them this weekend.

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Kate the Cynic

August 21, 2009

Just now as I perused my google reader I saw a post by a blogger I follow. In huge caps and pictures of the smiling couple with their HPT: WE’RE PREGNANT! The post followed with praises to God and relief at finally having made it to the promised land of pregnancy. No fears mentioned.  A certainty that the months would pass and that there would be a baby to show for it. I cringed because I remembered my own first pregnancy. That giddy high of finally. I wanted to warn her just because you’re pregnant does not mean you’re home free. Don’t let yourself get too high because it hurts harder when you fall. Ofcourse I won’t say anything of the kind. I pray she never knows this ache and I pray she sees a beautiful child at the end of her gestation. I just felt thrown off by this gut reaction as though its normal to have a miscarriage. As though its more normal to live in fear while pregnant. It’s not normal, everyone should enjoy and celebrate their pregnancies. I’m sad that I’ve become such a cynic.

8dpo. No more spotting. Last night I woke up twice to pee. I’m super hopeful. I’m sure its nothing. I bought a pack of  pregnancy tests but I’m scared to test. I’m scared to see a negative and we’re seeing the in-laws this weekend and I don’t want to freak out if its a positive. Besides, its too soon right now for a reliable result, right?

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Its not sign hunting if the signs hunt you!*

August 19, 2009

7dpo: mild cramping and then, spotting. I think. I wore pink  so its ambiguous. Asked Jack for a second opinion. Never saw a man flee so fast. I will not buy a bucket of HPTs. This means nothing. Yep, that should do it. Sigh. *If its implantation bleeding is it normal to spot for two days? And when could I take an HPT for accurate results?*

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Co-existing with infertility

August 16, 2009

Sitting in the doctor’s office after my last miscarriage, Jack on one side of me, the doctor on the other, I felt as if I was part of an intervention. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jack said shaking his head and patting my hand. Dr. D nodded, In your life when you put your mind to something you’ve accomplished it, but in this matter there’s a lot that’s out of our control. She’s right. Since I was a child, the lessons imparted to me by my parents, teachers, society, was If you work hard enough you can achieve your dreams. And this was true, until now.

In the realm of infertility and pregnancy loss, I can take my Metformin to keep my insulin in check. I can pop the baby aspirin to thin my blood so it won’t strangle a future fetus. I can take the prenatals and make sure I’m eating a balanced baby friendly diet. I can try Clomid. IUI. IVF. I can jump on to lovenox after a positive pregnancy test. I can work as hard as I can and while I should keep my feet moving I have no control over whether any of this will work. This is hard to accept. Perhaps this is why I start sign hunting by checking my boobs, debating the degree of nausea and exhaustion during each two week wait. But sign hunting won’t give me the end result, its just a maddening way to waste two weeks (and in my case often longer) of your life.

Things such as sign hunting and the devastation that follows when you see blood made me think of stepping out of the baby making game for a while until I had my head in the right place emotionally. I told my therapist this thinking he’d agree because if anyone knows how much of a wreck IF has made me, it should be him. I was surprised when he disagreed. You’re in the game and I think you should keep moving, you need to learn to handle the challenges better but I don’t think you will take a time out. I think its an intellectual exercise to debate whether you should or not, you’re too deep in to step back. I think he’s right. I could never stop. The challenge for me is not taking some time off, but learning how to co-exist with my infertility. To walk side by side with this challenge and not let it wear me and turn me into a one dimensional person.

In an effort to co-exist with my IF I decided to focus on things in my control, so I can keep on moving on in this journey but not be paralyzed emotionally while I do so.

No more Sign Hunting. What do I get out of checking my boobs and gauging my levels of exhaustion? If I’m pregnant I am and I’ll find out soon enough. Some people say its good to have your hopes up and be positive. Maybe this works for some, but for me getting my hopes up means they are crushed in a bloody heap at the end of the cycle. Most people get that a miscarriage is sad, but most non-IFers don’t get that the end of a cycle that did not work is heartwrenching too. It is also a loss. I’m not sure how I’m going to succeed here but I’m not googling for signs and symptoms anymore and the goal is to firmly tell myself not to read into things when the urge strikes. If that means chanting a mantra you’re not pregnant, stop it! or Google is not a fortune teller. So be it.

Focus on the things I have control over like . . .

My fitness and nutrition. Exercising burns adrenaline and calms me but when I’m stressed or depressed the last thing I want to do is go for a run. My neighborhood is full of rolling hills and my plan is to stick on the iPod and power walk. I’m also considering yoga. With PCOS losing weight is challenging but its possible. Its time I took greater control.

My hobbies. I love to read. Scrapbook. Try new recipes. Write poetry (of questionable merit).  Instead of imploring Dr. Google to predict my future status of motherhood I will do things I enjoy.

My writing. Though my writing is technically a hobby at the moment since I’m not paid to do it, I have a finished manuscript that I’m revising one last time before submitting to agents. Since the miscarriage issues I’ve neglected it entirely. I need to update my query letters, and pursue this dream.

Reflecting. A dear friend reminded me how important it is  to take advantage of silence and down time to contemplate and reflect. When she first suggested this I wondered what I needed to reflect on or contemplate, but after a few days of plugging out for a few hours from TV, music, cell phone and internet and just taking a walk, or making dinner in silence I saw what she meant. The world comes into sharper focus. I realized its hard to really think clearly when you’re always plugged in. This act of taking time out for silence each day is helping me in ways I could never have anticipated from the simplest areas of appreciating things I never thought to appreciate such as the brilliant orange of a carrot I’m cutting for dinner, the sound of its crispness as I slice through it, the sweet flavor of homegrown tomatoes. Being plugged in, you can end up just doing things by rote and not realizing.  It’s not always easy to co-exist with silence because sometimes thoughts that are unpleasant that I’ve tried running from also make themselves known, but now at least I can begin tackling these thoughts instead of pushing them away, because the truth is, even if we don’t think about things and reflect, they are still there, poking us under the surface, stealing our peace of mind.

My Marriage. Its easy to take Jack for granted. He’s my best friend and he’s always there for me. While I’ve gotten better about dumping all my IF issues on him, I still can’t forget when he said he wanted his wife back. I hope as I try to flesh out the other parts of me that go beyond my desire for motherhood, Jack will see his wife returning. I cannot control all aspects of my marriage but I can control my end of things.

I hope by focusing on the areas of my life I have some measure of control over, I can take away the tunnel vision on IF that has taken over my life. I accept that no matter how much control I take over my life, IF sucks and failed cycles will always hurt, I just hope that I will bounce back faster and not allow IF to take over all of my life. The best I am praying for is it to co-exist with my infertility and not let it wear me as it has for two years.

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Two Week Waiting- again

August 14, 2009

This is perhaps the first true two week wait I’ve ever had since I seem to be (I think) certain I did in fact ovulate. The weird thing is  yesterday, and today my boobs are sore. I fall kerplunk into bed and pass out for the night like I had gone out dancing and drinking ’till 5 in the am. I’m fine with the konking out as that’s kind of been happening for the longest time but why are my boobs hurting? My nurse told me that my Wednesday beta was negative, its not possible to have preggo signs before HCG levels rise right? I thought I’d ask since I’m in the company of the IF experts who have the degrees I trust: street smarts in the land of IF. You’ve all gone to grad school (albeit unwillingly) and got the doctorate in all things IF so your advice, well it matters.

I really am not freaking out about it. I’m too tired to get worked up. Getting pregnant will be good but you won’t see me painting a nursery until the baby is out and in my arms and I can feel its warm baby soft skin against my breast. Until then, I remain hopeful but skeptical.

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Ten weeks post miscarriage. Finding my way.

June 28, 2009

If you get hit by a paintball you won’t die but at the time of impact you feel you just might. The bruise aches for days to come.  Last night I went to dinner with some friends and Tricia (who I wrote about here). All the women were either pregnant or new mothers. I knew this was coming and had tried preparing for the onslaught to come. The onslaught came. Sitting at the center of the table the conversations swirled around me like swarming bees threatening to sting. The talks about labor, feeling a child kick inside you, motherhood’s triumphs and burdens and the joy a child brings to your world.

I was fine. I prepared for these conversations. I felt like a soldier standing on the front line. Until. Until, Maria said with a smile the time that you hold your child within your womb is the most magical time . It’s so amazing to know you are sustaining them and that you both share a unique connection. Sting.

I felt in an alternate universe as the conversations continued around me. I held Maria’s ten week old baby and all I could think as I looked at her cherubic face was ten weeks. Ten weeks since I lost you Speck. I lost you for as long as I held you.  I must sit with this smile plastered on my face while my heart crumbles inside my chest as I remember you. I saw you on the ultrasound. I felt the exhaustion and the nausea. You were real but you didn’t make it. You will never know these babies. I will never hold you. Maybe other babies, but not Speck, not my first.

Our friends followed us to our house for dessert and I cried the entire way home. I felt empty. Luckily dessert went much better. We ate chocolate cake and laughed and conversed until three in the morning. She made me smile when she said,  Sometimes I just sit and watch her sleep. Then she said with a dreamy look Labor was amazing. I felt pain but I couldn’t help but think, wow I’m bringing a being into this world. I turned to her, and with a raised eyebrow said, labor was amazing? She laughed and said, Kate, I thought I would never be a mother. I wanted to be one so badly that every minute of pregnancy and now every minute of motherhood is a complete and utter blessing. I love hearing her cry. I love waking up at 2am to feed her. I don’t take a minute for granted. Wow- I got goosebumps.

As they were leaving Maria said to our husbands, Give us a second I need to talk to Kate privately.

Turning to me, she said Are you considering IVF. I did a double take. Was I that obvious? The huge IF stamped on my forehead? Or maybe IF sisters can recognize one another better? They notice the subtle clenching of cheeks or imperceptible sighs. I’m not sure. As we walked to the car she said Kate, consider this time a test from God. Consider yourself singled out to be drawn closer to Him. You have a good life, you met the guy of your dreams young, you went to law school, you have a house and great families, we can get stagnant spiritually when life is going well. Consider this struggle a blessing. It’s a time for you to grow stronger and learn a lot about yourself. Just remember if He wants it to happen, it will. I got pregnant naturally after four failed IVF cycles. He just has to say BE and it is. Consider yourself blessed and grow from your pain.

For the past few years I felt so conflicted about God and spiritual matters that though I believed, I kind of packaged it all away, observing some rituals but not really letting it enter and settle into my heart. But when moments like the one I shared with Maria occur. Those out of the blue moments where someone tells you exactly what you needed to hear . . . seeing Maria after two years and her opening up to me and sharing her infertility struggles and then, just when I reached my emptiest moment to pull me aside and advise me…. I can’t help but wonder if perhaps she came into my life when she did for a purpose.

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OBGYN Update and advice

June 23, 2009

Thanks for all your well wishes and for your advice. I went to a different location to see my my doctor.  This office is located inside of a bigger building, a pediatrics building. Babies, everywhere. I was seated for my consult and looked out the open door. I was sitting across from the Ultrasound room. 22 weeks is about how far I would’ve been. You can guess the thought that went through my mind as I sat waiting.

The meeting went fine. She gave me  a progesterone  ‘script. She’s running blood work to check on what caused my miscarriage.  She told me to get an HSG done and for Jack to get a sperm analysis. Here’s my question: I got pregnant. So clearly the sperm is swimming and my fallopian tubes are open . . . right? Is this standard operating procedure? This is my tentative time line:

July: Get a period and get HSG test and SA done.

August: Get next period and start Clomid. Three Cycles on Clomid.

November: Clomid +IUI. Three Cycles.

February: Fertility Specialist.

She told me to exercise and watch what I eat. Check, and check. She told me to calm down and not stress too much [don’t you LOVE that nugget of advice] because that can affect when I ovulate.

I got off the phone with Jack and he started whining: I don’t want to get an SA. I almost broke down and started bawling. Really? Jacking off into a cup is too much for you? You want to get the HSG done?!? Then when I explained the process he was like Um, do you really want to do all that to have a baby? What the FUCK? I tried to keep my cool and said You told me you were fine with me seeing an RE. What did you think they were going to do? Read my tarot cards and give me herbs to wear on my head while I danced around a fire pit? He said he didn’t know. We’re supposed to talk about it over dinner tonight but I’m really afraid because I don’t want to fight. We’ve been really strong and together on this IF front and I don’t want to break down.

So I have a few questions to throw into the blogiverse:

1) If I have a chance for insurance to cover more if I stick with my OBGYN, what is the increased benefit that an RE would provide. I know that they’d be more knowledgable but if they’re going to give me clomid, IUI’s etc, then why not stick with the doctor I have and let insurance cover some of it?

2) Did any of you have HSG and SAs done post-miscarriage? I’m confused as to why I’d need this see we can clearly get a baby into my belly.

3) Have any of you had to convince your significant other to go through with procedures, etc? I hope I don’t have to go through any convincing, but if I do, do you have any advice for me? I think he’s just overwhelmed. He also doesn’t want it as bad as I do. He’s point blank told me: If we never have kids I’m okay with it though having a child will be wonderful. Some say this should comfort me, one person needs to be the rock. I don’t know, sometimes I agree, sometimes it makes me feel alone.

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My upcoming OBGYN visit

June 23, 2009

3:15 today I go to see my OBGYN. I’m nervous. Why are you nervous? Jack asked me this morning. I’ve thought about it. Why am I nervous. I don’t get any test results today.  It’s a consult. We’re just talking. I’ve thought about it and these are some of my reasons:

1. I’m afraid she won’t give me progesterone to induce my period. I’m on CD43. My longest cycle to date. In December when my period was delayed and I called to ask for it, she said no, that because I have PCOS I needed to just wait it out.

2. I’m afraid she’s going to tell me to wait three more cycles before giving me Clomid.

3. I’m afraid I’m not going to like her timeline for me in general.

4. I’m afraid she will retract her promise to test me for auto-immune issues, etc to determine a possible cause for my miscarriage.

5. I’m afraid that even if she agrees to work with me her time line is going to be very very long. It’s difficult to get fit in for appointments with her.

6. I have been having the weirdest things happening. Lower back pain. Things rumbling in my ovaries. My boobs swell from time to time. I’m afraid she will dismiss this all and give me no explanation.

7. I’m afraid I will break down seeing pregnant women around me, and remembering I’d be in my fifth month right now.

and . . .

8. I’ll  POAS and she’ll likely do a blood test to make sure I’m not pregnant. I know I’m not. I can tell myself this until I’m chanting like a Buddhist monk saying nothing but these words as my mantra, yet still, when she tells me: Negative. It’s going to sting like a slap. Am I the only one who not only feels sad when they see the BFN, but also embarrassed?

I am trying to accept my infertility, and the feeling of no control. The doctor has the control. She is my key to the one thing I want most in this world. I stare at her, a prisonor in my own body, asking for her help. We are so vulnerable at the doctor’s office. I know I will see an RE but today, its just a little stressful.

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This and that

June 19, 2009

Thanks to advice I received from my blogging community I talked to Jack and we’re seriously considering seeing an RE. I know a good one who worked wonders (i.e. two babies) for a friend of mine with PCOS, so I know he’s good. The only problem has been insurance doesn’t cover it and its a helluva pricey bill to foot. I felt if my OBGYN is giving me Metformin and I got pregnant under her watch, shouldn’t I just stick with her? I tell myself this but then I also feel she isn’t moving me along as fast as I would like. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday so we’ll see what she has to say. Jack said he supports me seeing an RE if I’m not pregnant this cycle, so we may do that depending on Tuesdays meeting.  Thank you so much for giving me advice guys. It’s thanks to this blog that I went to a new doctor when all this began. People told me to ditch a doctor who insisted I didn’t have anything wrong with me and be my own best advocate. Thanks to that I got diagnosed. So I appreciate it so much.

I went to see my therapist today and it helped me deal with how I’m feeling. I want to share some of it because I know many reading are dealing with IF and surely have felt as I do, and maybe some of this might help you. The first thing is I need to stop taking a HPT every day. The new rule for me is twice a cycle, one week apart, and I can only buy off the internet to prevent myself from going to CVS and buying a three pack. The effect of BFN every single morning can single handedly ruin my day. I should also limit my internet “researching” to 30 minutes a day and try to make weekends “research free” days. By research I mean googling for signs and symptoms, and scary stories and hopeful stories. To a certain point its good to know, but once you pass that point, you are not helping yourself, you are stuck. The most important one was not to talk about this incessantly with your spouse because if you stop and just fixate on one thing you are harming your marriage. A marriage is multifaceted and to make this the entire center of your life is unhealthy. He also said to find some peace through prayer, meditation, etc. I’m struggling hard to find my way back to spirituality. I once was strong but lately I am weak, this makes it harder to accept this as meant to be, a test, happening for a reason. I know I need to find a way to center myself. He also said exercise helps burn adrenaline and should be incorporated on the daily. I was exercising regularly but when you get depressed, you don’t want to do anything. I plan to resume again tomorrow.

I’m reading a book called “Get Off Your ‘But'” and this quote really struck me: Pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional. Lately, I’ve been suffering a lot. I accept that infertility is a pain that is my reality, but the suffering, I need to get a handle on it. I’m not sure how to do this yet, but I am starting to actively try.

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Tired. So Tired.

June 17, 2009

There is a constant ache in my heart. I can smile, I can laugh, I can behave like a functional member of society, but the truth is, inside I am constantly splintering into a million different peices. Rebuilding, then crushing like dust once more.

My body is playing tricks with me. Still exhausted. Still no period. Still sore boobs. Still thirsty. Still strange discharge. I woke up at 4am last night to pee. Only did that when I was pregnant. I took another test, BFN.

I know that PCOS means wonky cycles, but Metformin was supposed to fix that. The first few months on it, I had regular cycles. This troubles me: out of 12 possible cycles, my lengthy cycles give me around 8 chances and of those, with PCOS, who knows when I ovulated, if even? My doctor will fight me on progesterone to jumpstart this cycle. She will fight me on Clomid. If I can convince her I’ll need to first get an HSG test done, and Jack will need to get a Sperm Analysis. This will take many months. I won’t be on all of this until at least August.  The thought of this, of all the obstacles, and all the time, and all the uncertainty its tearing me apart.

I scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow. Jack was so happy when he found out. Ask him what I should do? Ask him how I can be a good partner for you. I asked him, Are you getting frustrated. He said, Honey, I love you but this is killing me. Your constant pain, your tears, I just don’t know what to do anymore. He said it with love and it broke my heart. I’m hurting. I’m hurting Jack. The thought of hurting this good man brings tears to my eyes.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live my life this way. I need to do some serious soul searching. I need to find a way to make peace with the facts of my life, with my condition, with the reality that I don’t know the future and that I may never have children. I wish I knew how to do this.

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CD35, EWCM, WTF

June 16, 2009

I woke up today ready to puke. I tested again, this time in the morning, and it was again a BFN. I step in the shower and (warning TMI territory coming up, don’t read on if you’re squeamish) EWCM in abundance I have never in my entire life seen is there. It frightened me to see so much. On CD35? What the hell does that mean? The right side of my lower body around the ovaries is hurting like never before today. My lower right back is hurting. My back NEVER HURTS. No period to come, not even a hint. I don’t understand what’s going on. Is my body just misfiring post-miscarriage? Sigh. I hate PCOS. My two week wait is now into week three with no end in sight.

I found this on FertilityFriend:

Why do I have eggwhite cervical fluid after I have already ovulated?

Some cervical fluid after ovulation is possible because the corpus luteum, though its main function is to produce progesterone, produces estrogen in small amounts. This may cause you to see some fertile-looking cervical fluid, even after ovulation. If your temperatures and other signs show clearly that you have already ovulated, then you can be confident that you are no longer fertile. It is also not uncommon to confuse semen and eggwhite or watery cervical fluid. Some women also notice some fertile-looking cervical fluid just before menstruation.

I’m betting that’s me. Oh well.

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Hit the crack pipe- again

June 15, 2009

Before I tell you, let me explain why I did it:

1. I had to pull my car en route to work because I felt so nauseous I was convinced I’d puke.

2. I’m sprouting acne. I NEVER had acne except when I was . . .

3. I’m on CD 34 and still no period.

4. My boobs are tender to the touch.

5. Oh yeah and I’m on CYCLE DAY 34 AND NO PERIOD!!

I was resolute in my plan to wait until Friday CD38 but the symptoms, I just couldn’t WAIT. I thought of Jack who has told me in no uncertain terms thou shalt not test until Friday, but waved it aside telling myself yeah, but when its POSITIVE then he won’t be mad! [I realize my reasoning is beginning to sound more and more like a 60 year old lady in a straw hat and yellow slippers hitting the slot machine]. I bought the test- a three pack. I sat around at work for approximately ten minutes and then POAS. And yeah, BFN.

Cycle Day34. It should be accurate today . . . right? I try to remind myself that I tested on CD33 when Speck lived in me, and didn’t know his presence until CD38. I’m so unsure which way to talk to myself. Do I talk myself into hope. Or begin mourning the loss of another missed opportunity this cycle. As an infertile, I find it quite difficult to hold the middle ground. It’s so difficult in fact, that I cannot see the middle ground.

So here I am, CD34. Annoyed. Sad. Frustrated. Curious. Hopeful. You name it. I’m it. Though the biggest fear is this, its’ not even the not being pregnant, its more the oh shit, I’m going to have to go through this again next month… and the next… and the next.

Except the worst, but hope for the best. It’s an old saying, but when you’re doing equal parts of both for 2-3 weeks straight, its enough to make you wish you were expecting and hoping for nothing at all.

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Thoughts while awaiting a period

June 14, 2009

I’m on CD32, still no period. I’m determined not to take a pregnancy test until Friday. That would be CD37 and by then any results will be accurate. It’s funny, I’ve been wanting to drink a lot of water lately, I have an unquenchable thirst. This was my first symptom of pregnancy last time though at the time I did not think of it as a symptom but instead just got weirded out at my high level of thirst. Later I read its an early preggo symptom. That’s the one and only symptom these days for me, if it is a symptom at all.  I tell myself I dont think Im pregnant and I tell myself not to raise my hopes, but then when I feel a twinge down there, I tense wondering if my period is coming, and when I tense the thought that instinctively comes to mind is no no no, please no, please let me be pregnant. And this thought sounds so whimpery and pathetic I feel slightly annoyed that I am so vulnerable to the monthly workings of my body.

I’m debating taking my prenatal pills. I avoid taking them lately because taking them reminds me of Speck. I am someone who focuses a great deal on the small things, for better or worse. When I was pregnant, I took the pills and I imagined its nutrients nourishing my speck. I imagined it so well, now I feel strange taking it on an empty womb. But today, I am tempted to resume taking my prenatal vitamins. I’m only afraid it will hurt harder if come tomorrow I bleed.

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Two Months Since My Miscarriage

June 13, 2009

Is it strange that the day I lost my baby is the day my period is due? It’s like my body chooses to honor this loss with the letting of blood within me. I guess that’s kind of a sweet tribute. Kind of like raising a flag half mast in remembrance. It’s been two months today since I lost my baby. I can’t believe its only been two months. It feels as though this ache in my heart has always been there since the beginning of time. It feels it will always remain. I’m doing okay today. Thursday was a bad day. So bad I did not want to get out of bed so did not. Somehow I made it through and today I am fine.

My period is due today, CD31. But since Metformin I’ve only had two cycles and they were 32 and 33 day cycles so my period could come Sunday, or Monday. I can’t even tell if my boobs are sore now because at this point I’ve prodded them so much I can’t be sure.

I took four pregnancy tests during times when a positive was completely unlikely. Now, that its more realistic, I don’t want to take it. The desire to test has completely left me. I guess I know that as the days get closer I can’t wave away the result as being too early. The result will be accurate and though there’s that slim chance of a BFP. . . if I were in vegas I wouldn’t be betting any substantial sum of money on it. At this point, I will likely test on Friday because by then whatever the result it will be pretty accurate.

I’m going to put away the dishes now. An author I love agreed to re-review an excerpt of my manuscript so I need to revise that. Then I will finish a cute book I’m reading [B as in Beauty]. Jack and I might go out tonight to a cute restaurant or chill at home and rent a movie and make pasta. My goal is to be doing doing doing. Moving moving moving. If you stand still the demons inside your head may come out to play. That’s my one goal today, to keep them at bay.

On a random side note, I finished a novella by Steve Martin, Shop Girl [which is surprisingly not bad]  I found this quote interesting: It’s pain that changes our lives. Well infertiles, would you not agree? This constant lingering pain has changed our lives hasn’t it? It’s tilted my world off its fucking axis.

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Fuzzy Math: My attempt at being positive

June 10, 2009

January 2008: Began TTC with undiagnosed PCOS

February 2008: OBGYN insists no PCOS w/out doing bloodwork or ultrasound. Tells me to TTC on 14, 15, 17, 19 of my cycle.

April 2008: Switch OBGYNs. New OBGYN gives me progesterone to induce period. Tells me after two cycles he’ll give me Clomid. No mention of PCOS or investigating potential causes of infertility. [and yes though the official year hadnt passed to term me IF, I knew I was. Sometimes you just know]

May 2008: Give up on OBGYNs. TTC in futility.

September 2008: Switch OBGYN. New one begins blood work to determine PCOS.  Identifies based on blood work I have PCOS.

October 2008: Ultrasound confirms PCOS.

November 2008: Put on Metformin

December 2008: Begin therepeutic dosage of Metformin

February 2009: Get pregnant

April 2009: Miscarry at 11 weeks.

Jack says that technically all the months we TTC before getting medication for PCOS were in vain due to the fact no little eggies were coming out to play. So really, our journey began December 2008 when I began Metformin. So really, I conceived after two months of TTC. So really, there’s nothing to worry about. Getting preggers will be a breeze.

So many retorts are waiting to come out like, the meds don’t fix PCOS. I can still struggle to conceive despite it. There could be other stuff wrong. Um, did you forget i miscarried? It’ s not just getting pregnant I’m concerned with. And so on and so forth, but I will not say those things today!

I guess I can choose to look at the glass half full since my reality remains the same. If seeing a half filled glass makes it easier, maybe its worth it. This is how I feel right now. Ask me again when my period comes.

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Still Two Week Waiting

June 10, 2009

Last night I had one of those dreams where you wake up still unconvinced that it did not happen because it felt so real. I dreamt last night that I POAS and it was positive. I hugged Jack. I started counting down the due date and then- the alarm buzzed and I woke up. I woke up feeling sheepish that I had such a silly dream. It did help me not POAS for real this morning. It may help me from POAS until June 17. It felt so good to see that positive in my dream, but, remember I said I thought I was pregnant? Well, all the “Symptoms” are gone. No more exhaustion. No more nausea. My boobs ache a little but a period should be coming on soon. I don’t think I’m pregnant anymore though yes, I do wish and hope I was. So I’m going to do my best to not POAS until  its well past my period due date (since with me, as a PCOSer who knows when the period will actually come, I give it a week give or usually take).

On a random side note. Thank you to the people who comment. It really helps me feel less alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy… but knowing that its okay to feel so scared and upset at times helps me deal better with my condition. Thanks so much.

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Birth Control Pills and my crack habit

June 9, 2009

Watching a birth control pill commercial and I feel wistful. They don’t want no baby and they are in control. I want a baby, and I have no control. Can I possibly convince myself that being childless is my own choice? If I were a master at self delusion, what a charmed life I would then lead.

I’m on CD27 and took another pregnancy test: BFN. I tested on CD33 when I was pregnant and got a BFN. I tested CD 39 and got my BFP. I knew what the results would be. I feel like a crack addict. Like a junkie, I spend tons of money on something I know is no good for me, I hide in the bathroom to get my fix, Jack knows I dabble but has no idea how much of our hard earned money is flushed down that toilet. As soon as I’m done, I feel horrible, but i’m pining for my next fix.

I’m tired.

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Irrational yet justified fears of visiting my in-laws

June 9, 2009

I have PCOS. As  result I ovulate unpredictably and have irregular and infrequent periods. As a result I can never predict my periods based on calendar or cycle day calculations. However, I can often predict when I get my period based on whether or not I’m going to visit my in-laws. My in-laws live three hours from us and for some strange reason I began noticing about three years ago that whenever I went to see them, or they came here, I would get my period. I kid ye not. At first, I did not believe it myself, I joked to Jack, haven’t gotten a period in two months, we should visit your parents. But then, we would. And I would get my period. I half joked with Jack when I got pregnant, um since I always get my period when we visit your parents, how about not visiting your parents at least for the first five or six months of the pregnancy? I knew the fear was irrational. They did not cause my body to bleed. It was just a weird eerie coincidence. And then in their home, while visiting on April 11, 2009 I began to bleed. April 13, 2009 I lost my baby.

Jack wants to visit his parents this weekend. I’m due for my period on Saturday. Seriously. I did not plan it. It just is. Last night I explained this to Jack. How each time we go. I get my period. I told him when I get pregnant I’m avoiding them for at least seven months. This time he did not say anything in response.

I would feel mean but this irrational fear now feels quite rational to me (in an irrational sort of way). My mom said the body is a powerful thing, maybe its not just a coincidence for the past (at least) three years. I likely can’t avoid them for nine months after I find out I’m pregnant, but as Saturday approaches I’m really dreading going for a visit.

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My infertility versus my miscarriage

June 8, 2009

Last night my husband looked at me with an expression I never saw before. What’s the matter? I asked him. Nothing, he said, I just wish so much you could be a mother. You want it so much and each time I see you I see someone who does not feel complete. I so badly want you to feel complete.

I’ve been thinking a lot during this two week wait (incase the incessant posting has not made this obvious) about infertility and the nature of the emotions that course through me. My miscarriage was one huge blow, a hammer thrown from across the room tearing my insides in two. My infertility is a twisting around my heart every month. I grieve my miscarriage but it happened. It was a tangible thing that was. I can count down, two weeks since my miscarriage… three weeks… two months.. three months… but this infertility business- this is horrifying. It’s month after month after month of fresh new pain, fresh new disappointment and grief.

Being infertile makes me sometimes feel I’m trapped in a maze and I’m unable to find my way out. I am so tired of trying. I am so sick of two week waits. The prospect of months or years of more of the same is so daunting that a part of me wants to just give up. Just forget about having kids and accept being childless. At least I can move on. This infertility thing is a sentence to an eternal grounddog day.

I’m sick of being Charlie Brown. I’m sick of Lucy pulling the football at the last possible moment. I’m sick of falling for it each and every single fucking time. I’m really tired.  Part of me really wants to stop playing.

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I do love my brother, I do.

June 8, 2009

My brother, four years my junior just got married. I’ve been married for seven years. I had plenty of time to beat him to the punch on having a kid. So far, no cigar. Here’s the thought I’m fighting: What if he has a baby before me? I love my brother so much and I want him to have kids if that is what he wants, but seriously the thought of him having a baby first makes me feel like the biggest loser in the history of losers. Unfortunately, knowing my track record, they may beat me to the punch. Part of me wants to ask him if they plan to have kids right away so I can be prepared, but at the same time, accidents happen for some lucky fertiles so asking would not do any good anyways.

I’m Alice in wonderland twirling down the rabbit hole. Two Week Waits turn the sanest of us a bit neurotic.

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Thoughts on nail biting.

June 7, 2009

Since I was four years old I bit my nails. My mom says its due to a childhood friend who bit her nails. To fit in and be more like her, I bit my nails too. The friendship is long gone but the nail biting habit remained. For the past 25 years I bit my nails until April 13, 2009. I remember sitting at the drugstore at 4am, hours after my miscarriage, waiting for the pharmacist to fill the ‘script for my pain medication and staring at my nails. I don’t know why, but I resolved to stop biting my nails that day. Since then I have not. You would think after 25 years my nails would grow brittle and weak, but they instead are unyielding in their firmness. My nails are so tough I could not bite them now, even if I wanted to. I went for my first manicure Wednesday. The manicurist admired my nails, They are so long but they are so strong. It’s funny since I got my hair cut that day and my hair dresser made a similar comment about my hair. You straighten it with a professional straightner daily without using any product to protect your hair against the heat? I shake my head. I’m amazed how strong your hair is. No split ends, no damage despite the heat.

I consider my hair, and my nails. They prove to me I am made of hardy tough stock despite how fragile I sometimes feel inside. I am strong. I will face the verdict of this cycle whether I am crying from a broken heart or they are tears of joy and fears for my future, but I know one thing: I am strong. I may not feel that way all the time, especially when thoughts of my lost Speck cross my mind, but these nails, I will not bite them again. They remind me of my strength. They remind me to keep going on. Whatever may come, I am strong enough to handle it. I lost you Speck, and still I’m standing. That in and of itself is proof positive.

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PCOS is frustrating

June 6, 2009

When I got diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said to me this means you could ovulate at any time. Dont rely on checking for EWCM. I felt confused, So what do I do? How do I time? She laughed, don’t time it, just try whenever possible. This was cute in January 2008, its frustrating June 2009.

So you know how I was going on and on about how I felt pregnant? Well, it’s CD22 and I checked and I have EWCM. Yeah we did the BD just to be on the safe side, but if I did in fact ovulate today then what’s with all the funky monkey symptoms? I really forgot in the few months I was pregnant how aggravating TTC with a wonky cycle can be. In February, when I conceived, it was CD22. That month too, I had EWCM three different times that month.

If anyone is completely fertile and gets pregnant when they hit the sack and don’t understand us infertiles. Read the above. Then read a few posts below. Do you see how neurotic it is? Now multiply that two weeks a month, month after month, after month, after… yeah. I’ll be honest, I’m a little frustrated. Before the miscarriage I’d grown resigned to infertility. I stopped hyperventilating with anxious joy after each “sign” appeared. I remember my boobs felt sore and I knew I was ten days late, but I still refused to test because I was so tired of that damn negative.

Now I’m a fish with short term memory. I’m a puppy that refuses to house break. I’m so fucking ready to hope and believe and think this month is it, waving away the rest of the months filled with disappontment and pain. It. is. so. damn. frustrating.

I have an appointment scheduled for June 23rd to consult with my OBGYN and figure out what’s up. I refuse to test again until June 19th, which is CD36. I know a period will break my heart, but I’m not sure how much worse seeing a negative will be when this month began with such high hopes.

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These “symptoms”- advice

June 5, 2009

I’m nauseous. My boobs are sore [though this comes and goes]. I constantly feel the need to sleep. I’ve read this can occur just because you ovulated, not necessarily because you are pregnant. I’m not used to ovulating so maybe this is the case, but I was wondering if any of you could give advice one way or other on this? If ovulation is always followed by feelings of pregnancy, I have a rougher road ahead than I thought in the TTC journey. Any advice or insight from personal experience much appreciated.

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I think I am pregnant***

June 4, 2009

I’ve been hesitating to write this because a) It’s too early b) I’m always NOT pregnant (save once) c) I will feel really embarassed when I find out I’m not. But this is my private blog to be fully honest, and this really is the truth: I feel pregnant. I know that thinking this may lead to a harder fall when/if I find out I am not. I took the pregnancy test today as early as I did to help myself prepare for a possible negative come June 17, 2009 but the truth is that I do feel pregnant. My boobs are sore. I feel slightly queasy. I want to take a nap right now despite getting my rest. No amount of preparation will help ease the disappointment I will feel if I get my period.

*** Updated to add: I just read this about how post-ovulation symptoms can mimic pregnancy so maybe that is it. I feel ready to hurl. My breasts are growing increasingly tender by the day, and despite 12 hours of rest I wish to sleep. Here is what I think: Maybe because with PCOS I hardly ovulated int he past, now my body showing post ovulation symptoms is confusing me, tricking my mind? I want to be pregnant very badly, but I also do not want to be wishing on a false star.

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Pregnancy Tests

June 4, 2009

When pregnancy test manufacturers stuck “TEST FIVE DAYS SOONER” on the box they knew they hit the jackpot. For infertiles, pregnancy tests are our crack. Let’s be real, we tested before our period prior to them sticking that on the box, but now some of us (ahem) decide to try it even a few days after suspected ovulation thinking well, it’s almost five days sooner.

I should not have taken a pregnancy test. I’m only on CD22. If I did ovulate on CD11 its still too early to test. But you see, my boobs, they’re sore. I’m sleepy. I’m a bit queasy. And yes, I’m a neurotic infertile. So I tested. And yeah, it was a BFN [big fucking NO]. I know it will seem strange but I needed to see that no now while I knew it would say no as opposed to June 17, 2009 about four days after my period is due when I will test again. I needed to see the negative. I needed to ease back into the land of infertility where you feel stuck in a maddening groundhog day of tests that read the same: NO.

I’ve been putting off calling my OBGYN for a consult to discuss the next steps. I am not sure why but I think seeing the BFN reminds me I need to be proactive again. I’m trying to push my miscarriage out of my mind and the feelings of unfairness that follow, you know the whole why am I having to sit here in this silent bathroom staring at this test with desperate longing? I thought I was past this. Yeah, that. It’s a daily struggle, but I continue climbing.

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The two week wait for a PCOSer

June 4, 2009

So remember I wrote about having ovulated on CD11? That would be May 27. Early for a normal cycled girl, but even more early for me who ovulated on CD23 the month I conceived. I thought I ovulated on CD11 because of EWCM and pangs in my ovary region. Several days later my boobs got a tiny bit sore so I got hopeful as I’ve read that is a sign ovulation happened (not pregnancy necessarily though). I even had to fight back urges to buy a pregnancy test. Then, today, what do I see? EWCM- again. Pangs in my ovaries- again.

My doctor warned me not to focus too much on OPKs  or checking my CM because with PCOS my body does not give me accurate signs. It’s like an indecisive tease, yes! no. Well, maybe? Ha, just kidding.

This is frustrating in its own right but it makes the two week wait painful. In fact, it makes the two week wait inapplicable to me. The two week wait is premised on the fact that you will find out within two weeks of ovulation if you are pregnant or you get your period. But with PCOS you don’t know for sure when you ovulated. You could ovulate the day after your period ends, or three weeks later.

I tell myself who cares? In 2-3 weeks I’ll know if I’m pregnant or not. There is no need to obsess. I will find out sooner or later if I am. Easier said than felt. I think only a fellow infertile can really understand how excruciating those few weeks are, and how maddening it is not to even know when to begin the countdown of the two week wait.

I should have been about five months pregnant. Instead I’m back at square one. I know I should not feel this way, but I feel pathetic and tired and exhausted of this endless cycle.

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Two Week Waits SUCK

June 3, 2009

I forgot how much I hate the TWW. Today I am  unable to keep my eyes open. They physically begin shutting and then I aim to prop them open. I’m also incredibly nauseous. This morning I was so nauseous I mentally mapped out my exit strategy incase I hurl without warning. You do not need to be a psychic to know what I am thinking. What I am hoping. Logically, I am likely drained from a draining week. I am nauseous because I had not eaten. But still. Two week waits are horrible.

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The two week wait

June 2, 2009

I went to baby center to see when it predicted my ovulation. According to them its now. I have little faith since with PCOS you really just never know when you ovulate.While on there I saw the little timeline they have that you can click on to follow your baby’s development. When I was pregnant, I checked the week by week daily. I don’t know why, I clicked on where I would have been today:

How your baby’s growing:

Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces. He’s busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you’ll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. His blood vessels are visible through his thin skin, and his ears are now in their final position, although they’re still standing out from his head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around his nerves, a process that will continue for a year after he’s born. If you’re having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. If you’re having a boy, his genitals are noticeable now, but he may hide them from you during an ultrasound.

Oh well.

I’m so confused about my ovulation. We did the BD on CD 11, 13, and 20. I really thought I ovulated on CD 11. My boobs feel sore which is strange. Can boobs be sore due to pregnancy just 10 days past ovulation? I don’t want to get my hopes up.

My  mom said to me After all that we’ve been through with your brother, a baby from you will be my compensation. I know you’ll get pregnant this month.

Great, add on another boulder to hold.