Posts Tagged ‘Advice’

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Two Week Waiting- again

August 14, 2009

This is perhaps the first true two week wait I’ve ever had since I seem to be (I think) certain I did in fact ovulate. The weird thing is  yesterday, and today my boobs are sore. I fall kerplunk into bed and pass out for the night like I had gone out dancing and drinking ’till 5 in the am. I’m fine with the konking out as that’s kind of been happening for the longest time but why are my boobs hurting? My nurse told me that my Wednesday beta was negative, its not possible to have preggo signs before HCG levels rise right? I thought I’d ask since I’m in the company of the IF experts who have the degrees I trust: street smarts in the land of IF. You’ve all gone to grad school (albeit unwillingly) and got the doctorate in all things IF so your advice, well it matters.

I really am not freaking out about it. I’m too tired to get worked up. Getting pregnant will be good but you won’t see me painting a nursery until the baby is out and in my arms and I can feel its warm baby soft skin against my breast. Until then, I remain hopeful but skeptical.

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Clomid. Progesterone. Bloodwork. Oh My!

August 5, 2009

My doctor called today with the results of the panel of tests my maternal fetal specialist ordered to investigate my lupus anticoagulant disorder. The results were funky. The lupus anticoagulant test came back normal which confused my doctor and me. Her theory is that either I’m borderline and the test got me on a good day, or the aspirin is helping fix that issue. Four tests came back bad and I wish I knew the names but they were so convoluted I got confused, however those four clotting disorders that were present increase the risk of miscarriage. My next step is to see a hematologist and go over the results with them and see if they recommend anything above and beyond lovenox or heparin and if this will affect me beyond just getting and staying pregnant. She can’t refer me to a hematologist since I’m no longer pregnant so now I get to go through some insurance fun to figure out my recommendation. Fun times!

As much as I know I should avoid Dr. Google, he’s just always there for me. I’ve been doing some research on the link between PCOS and low progesterone and the results seem to be mixed. Some say that PCOS causes low progesterone which can cause miscarriages. Some say this theory is rubbish. My progesterone levels at 5 weeks pregnant were 9.5 which my doctor said was low. However, the question is: Did the low progesterone cause the miscarriage, or was the pregnancy doomed hence the progesterone low? The reason I’m researching is because I’m considering taking Clomid next cycle. Until now I’ve gotten pregnant twice on Metformin alone but my ovulations happened on crazy cycle days like CD29 and CD40. To be effective progesterone supplements must be taken immediately upon ovulation. Clomid would help us predict ovulation and thus when to take progesterone supplements. So my goal with Clomid is to be able to time my progesterone supplements.

In my OB’s opinion she didn’t think progesterone supplements did anything but it never hurts to take them so she fully supports a Clomid/progesterone cycle if it will ease my worries. She encouraged me to talk to the RE in September to get a more informed opinion.

I’m already taking more pills than an 84 year old grandmother so the thought of adding more pills if I don’t have to is causing me confusion. There are side effects to clomid I’ve read such as decreased EWCM and occasional implantation issues, so if I dont have to take it then I don’t want to [though my ovulation is so unpredictable there is a huge thought of comfort that with Clomid at least I’d most likely ovulate]. I’m just so confused about whether or not progesterone does in fact save pregnancies, or if my issue is just the clotting issue which lovenox could resolve.

Have you used Clomid? Or had low progesterone but successful pregnancies via Lovenox? Any thoughts or advice on any of this that you might have would be much appreciated.

**And by the way- My boobs are aching. I feel ready to sleep at 9pm and have to drag myself out at 8am. I have waves of nausea! Is this normal post-miscarriage? I thought all this stuff should be going away, not to mention I didn’t have them when I was actually pregnant!

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OBGYN Update and advice

June 23, 2009

Thanks for all your well wishes and for your advice. I went to a different location to see my my doctor.  This office is located inside of a bigger building, a pediatrics building. Babies, everywhere. I was seated for my consult and looked out the open door. I was sitting across from the Ultrasound room. 22 weeks is about how far I would’ve been. You can guess the thought that went through my mind as I sat waiting.

The meeting went fine. She gave me  a progesterone  ‘script. She’s running blood work to check on what caused my miscarriage.  She told me to get an HSG done and for Jack to get a sperm analysis. Here’s my question: I got pregnant. So clearly the sperm is swimming and my fallopian tubes are open . . . right? Is this standard operating procedure? This is my tentative time line:

July: Get a period and get HSG test and SA done.

August: Get next period and start Clomid. Three Cycles on Clomid.

November: Clomid +IUI. Three Cycles.

February: Fertility Specialist.

She told me to exercise and watch what I eat. Check, and check. She told me to calm down and not stress too much [don’t you LOVE that nugget of advice] because that can affect when I ovulate.

I got off the phone with Jack and he started whining: I don’t want to get an SA. I almost broke down and started bawling. Really? Jacking off into a cup is too much for you? You want to get the HSG done?!? Then when I explained the process he was like Um, do you really want to do all that to have a baby? What the FUCK? I tried to keep my cool and said You told me you were fine with me seeing an RE. What did you think they were going to do? Read my tarot cards and give me herbs to wear on my head while I danced around a fire pit? He said he didn’t know. We’re supposed to talk about it over dinner tonight but I’m really afraid because I don’t want to fight. We’ve been really strong and together on this IF front and I don’t want to break down.

So I have a few questions to throw into the blogiverse:

1) If I have a chance for insurance to cover more if I stick with my OBGYN, what is the increased benefit that an RE would provide. I know that they’d be more knowledgable but if they’re going to give me clomid, IUI’s etc, then why not stick with the doctor I have and let insurance cover some of it?

2) Did any of you have HSG and SAs done post-miscarriage? I’m confused as to why I’d need this see we can clearly get a baby into my belly.

3) Have any of you had to convince your significant other to go through with procedures, etc? I hope I don’t have to go through any convincing, but if I do, do you have any advice for me? I think he’s just overwhelmed. He also doesn’t want it as bad as I do. He’s point blank told me: If we never have kids I’m okay with it though having a child will be wonderful. Some say this should comfort me, one person needs to be the rock. I don’t know, sometimes I agree, sometimes it makes me feel alone.

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Friends and Miscarriage

April 27, 2009

A friend stopped by my office to give me a hug. She had told me she was pregnant several weeks back and unable to contain my joy, I shared too. She was on the bcc list to whom I broke my news of miscarriage. She stopped by to say hi. She gave me a hug and told me she prayed for me. Then she proceeded to talk about law school graduation and how much her exams are bothering her and how her graduation dinner planning is driving her bonkers. Then with a hug, she was out. She didn’t do anything wrong. She said the right things and its good to not join me in my plummet to the bottom of the earth, but, I don’t know why, I felt angry. Emotions, its me, Kate. I’d like for you to make some fucking sense to me again because I’m sick of this. I’m not that person. I’m not forever bitter and unhappy with the world. What has this miscarriage done to me?

Some friends treat me like I’ve developed the plague and if they venture too close they might catch this mysterious miscarriage thingie. One went so far as to say she was scared to come over and see me. I guess the problem is that because I did not lose a child recognized by any legal institution, and because in their minds it happened for a fucking good reason or some other bullshit, they don’t feel my pain. They just don’t understand. I can’t say I would behave differently. I cannot know for sure.

Instead of This happened for a reason say, I’m sorry to hear.

Instead of It’ll get better, say, I’ve been thinking of you.

Instead of You can always get pregnant again, say Is there anything I can do for you?

Pretty much, as a rule of thumb, consider what you would say to someone who God Forbid lost a living breathing child of five years of age. You would not tell them the child got hit by a truck for a reason. You would not tell a grieving parent It will get better. You would not tell a mother as she lays her child to rest You can always get pregnant again.

BUT this is different- you might argue. This was not a child, just a fetus. Yes- but grief is grief and grief is raw and real and the emotions I feel while I will never claim to be as intense as my example above, are still real and painful and powerful, so please… just please.

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“It Happened For A Reason”

April 23, 2009

Today I pulled my shit together and went to get my blood work done. Tomorrow I get a call to learn if my HCG levels are going down. I keep going for blood tests until my HCG levels are zero.

I’m proud of myself. I cried just a little when the receptionist greeted me and asked if I was coming for a pregnancy appointment, since this was once upon a time the day it was supposed to be just that. I took deep breaths and stared at my hands in the waiting room, trying not to focus on the swelling bellies, and nervous happy flat stomached women holding their husband’s hands and clutching the same “Newly Pregnant” paperwork I had just held weeks earlier. I tell you, I kept my shit together. Until. Yes, there is an until.

Sitting there, my arm stretched out for the pinpricks I no longer feel, the tech says, “I’m sure this happened for a good reason.” I didn’t scream. I didn’t commit aggravated assault. I just looked at her. She glanced and adjusted her statement, “Well, that’s what they say anyway.”

What is this bullshit answer people giving me, “this happened for a reason?” What’s the reason? Don’t know? Then stop telling me its for a reason. And GOOD reason? Fine, tell me its God’s will for me to be infertile, for me to finally with tears in my eyes sigh a breath of relief that I will be a mother, and it’s God’s will for me to lose a baby before I ever got to hold him. FINE. I guess he has his reasons. I have to believe this if I believe in Him.

Yet- when people say “well if its a chromosomal abnormality, its good that God stopped it.” But for me I can’t reconcile this- Why did God let me get pregnant then? Why didn’t he just give me a healthy baby? He knows all right?

So what’s the good reason? The only one that makes sense are these a) I am being punished for a wrong I’ve committed. This is penance. b) I am being tested and this is the arc of my life- my struggle to conceive and God is watching me like a scientist wondering how I will react.

When I got pregnant my mom sounded triumphant. “I prayed so hard this month and I just knew.” I felt rewarded by God since I had thrown a baby shower for a friend and trust me baby showers are hard to attend for me much less host, but I did it with charm and grace and thought the pregnancy was God telling me I’d evolved into a better person. I prayed EVERY night for a happy healthy baby. I thanked God for blessing me.

The night my womb contracted pushing my child out of me and taking with him my dreams- I bargained hard with God. I begged Him. I promised to do all my prayers on time forever. I offered large sums of money to charity. I promised I would be a better person.

So what is the power of my prayer? Does he answer prayers or just provide strength to people to work through their struggles? Or does He just not like me anymore?

I used to have such a strong connection to God. I felt at peace with Him at all times.  I was the boat, he was my sail.

Now I am unmoored. I am floundering.

In conclusion, please don’t ever tell me this happened for a reason.

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Trying to move on after a miscarriage

April 20, 2009

Some things that have helped me

1. Working out. I put on my ipod nano and just powerwalked on the treadmill without looking at the clock. Two hours later, I could have continued but for the blisters on my feet. I felt like I was in my own world in a parallel universe just immersed in the music, sweat dripping down my chin. It helped.

2. Talking about it.

3. Writing about it.

4. Crying about it.

5. Sleeping.

What did not help:

1. Retail therapy. I bought a coach purse (’twas on sale) but it did nothing for me. Material possessions cannot remedy the absence of a piece of your soul.

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Miscarriage- Don’t be ashamed

April 19, 2009

There is a standard three month rule I grew up hearing: Don’t tell people you are expecting until three months because your risk of miscarriage is highest before three months.

But why don’t you want people to know? Is it because you’re ashamed or because its difficult to “untell” all the people you told.

Personally, it killed me to tell my brothers and parents that I miscarried because of the excitement I’d heard in their voicse when I first told them I was pregnant. It hurt to hear the sadness. I realize it was concern for me, but I felt sad for the hopes they had raised.

However- people have been my support. Those who know have written me and called and sent flowers and these small acts of kindness have helped me survive.

There is no need to be ashamed. Its a horrible miserable tragedy. But like any other issue such as a broken bone, or an amputated arm, its not your fault and you have no reason to feel ashamed.

I wish all women who miscarried, all one out of four of us would speak out and tell others so that we could all turn to each other.

I read a statistic that one million American women miscarry each year.

You would’nt know it from the crickets chirping on the subject.