Today I pulled my shit together and went to get my blood work done. Tomorrow I get a call to learn if my HCG levels are going down. I keep going for blood tests until my HCG levels are zero.
I’m proud of myself. I cried just a little when the receptionist greeted me and asked if I was coming for a pregnancy appointment, since this was once upon a time the day it was supposed to be just that. I took deep breaths and stared at my hands in the waiting room, trying not to focus on the swelling bellies, and nervous happy flat stomached women holding their husband’s hands and clutching the same “Newly Pregnant” paperwork I had just held weeks earlier. I tell you, I kept my shit together. Until. Yes, there is an until.
Sitting there, my arm stretched out for the pinpricks I no longer feel, the tech says, “I’m sure this happened for a good reason.” I didn’t scream. I didn’t commit aggravated assault. I just looked at her. She glanced and adjusted her statement, “Well, that’s what they say anyway.”
What is this bullshit answer people giving me, “this happened for a reason?” What’s the reason? Don’t know? Then stop telling me its for a reason. And GOOD reason? Fine, tell me its God’s will for me to be infertile, for me to finally with tears in my eyes sigh a breath of relief that I will be a mother, and it’s God’s will for me to lose a baby before I ever got to hold him. FINE. I guess he has his reasons. I have to believe this if I believe in Him.
Yet- when people say “well if its a chromosomal abnormality, its good that God stopped it.” But for me I can’t reconcile this- Why did God let me get pregnant then? Why didn’t he just give me a healthy baby? He knows all right?
So what’s the good reason? The only one that makes sense are these a) I am being punished for a wrong I’ve committed. This is penance. b) I am being tested and this is the arc of my life- my struggle to conceive and God is watching me like a scientist wondering how I will react.
When I got pregnant my mom sounded triumphant. “I prayed so hard this month and I just knew.” I felt rewarded by God since I had thrown a baby shower for a friend and trust me baby showers are hard to attend for me much less host, but I did it with charm and grace and thought the pregnancy was God telling me I’d evolved into a better person. I prayed EVERY night for a happy healthy baby. I thanked God for blessing me.
The night my womb contracted pushing my child out of me and taking with him my dreams- I bargained hard with God. I begged Him. I promised to do all my prayers on time forever. I offered large sums of money to charity. I promised I would be a better person.
So what is the power of my prayer? Does he answer prayers or just provide strength to people to work through their struggles? Or does He just not like me anymore?
I used to have such a strong connection to God. I felt at peace with Him at all times. I was the boat, he was my sail.
Now I am unmoored. I am floundering.
In conclusion, please don’t ever tell me this happened for a reason.