Posts Tagged ‘Work’

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The Gift Speck Gave Me

August 20, 2009

For a long time I’ve hated my job. On paper it sounds great, I represent kids with disabilities with their legal issues. I competed for this two year fellowship and I thought it was the best thing that happened to me. Though the work I do is great my workplace is a toxic environment with little career growth opportunity. In January my boss offered me a permanent job. The economy sucks, she reminded me. Many lawyers are going on months unemployed, consider this offer seriously.

Quit your job! Jack told me. You’re miserable. Yeah the job market sucks so take some time off and pursue your dream of writing. Still, I felt too afraid. I earned a paycheck since I was 16 years old and though I wanted to see how the writing thing turned out, the risk of no check with nothing to show for it kept me stuck. Then in February I found out I was pregnant.

It’s perfect, I told Jack. Speck’s a good reason to quit and when my job ends I’ll have six weeks before delivery, just enough time to get the house ready and have some downtime. I told my boss I would not stay on. I glowed with anticipation for my future.

Then I  lost Speck. My boss, realizing why I was quitting said The offer still stands, if you want to stay on, we’d love to have you. I went home that night and lay in the dark. Tears streamed down my face as my heart splintered. It was in that darkened room that it hit me. I saw my life in sharp focus. So I quit my job. I won’t have a paycheck. We won’t be taking fancy trips. Less eating out and discretionary shopping. But so what? I lost someone I loved, someone who filled each dream I had with joy. He was gone, so what if my life superficially gets tighter? What’s the point of all this? Why stay at a job I hate? All these worries are meaningless. What matters is your health, peace of mind and those you love. There will be other jobs but there will never be another Speck.

My job ends 9/9/09 and I plan to pursue my writing. Never in a million years could I imagine taking this leap. People tell me I’m brave, but I know the truth. It’s Speck. It’s all thanks to Speck. He taught me tomorrow is never guaranteed. He taught me to make the most of what I’m given. Were it not for Speck I would never have the strength to let go of my fears.

It hurts like alcohol on a deep wound when I remember Speck should be kicking in my belly now. This job that’s ending was for me to spend sleepless nights caring for him. There are still moments, like right now, that I long for him so badly that it hurts to breathe. It might sound crazy since we never properly met one another, but I will always love him for who he was and for what he taught me.

Outside the sun is shining. It seems like heaven ain’t far away. It’s good to have you with us. Even if it’s just for the day. – The Killers

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Just Told My Boss

April 20, 2009

“It happened for a reason”

That was my response. Fucking hell.

Now I’m sitting in an office bawling my eyes out.

I picked this new header because that is how I feel. I’m full of holes. I am wholly incomplete.

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Back to Work

April 20, 2009

I’m sitting in a desk by myself looking at the computer screen and figuring out what to do. I have trouble focusing, on a good day, but today, considering this is my first day back to work after having my miscarriage, I’m just not here. Mind you, I’ve spoken to clients and consulted opposing counsel, but then once I’m done I just feel this blankness. I can’t believe that there was a time, just two weeks ago that I gave a shit about how someone talked to me, or the worried myself silly about the outcome of the case. I guess it took a miscarriage for me to realize how silly and inconsequential all of this really is. I just don’t want to be here. I should be taking initiative and get to all the things on my “to do” list but I don’t want to. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. I want to run on a treadmill with my ipod. I want to watch sitcoms while eating brownies. It’s not like I’m crying or anything, I just have no desire to smile. I have no desire for pleasantries.

A student asked me, “so were you on like, vacation last week?”

I wish.