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Trying and Trying Again

April 30, 2009

The need to be a mother is not an intellectual desire. Call it spirital, emotional, animal- its a raw undeniable need. I’m a thirsty beggar praying for rain but I am so scared of the road ahead. My doctor said I can start trying again after my period which should come in four to six weeks. I see the path of infertility I’ve wandered on for a year, and I feel afraid.

I don’t want to “try” again. I don’t want to count my ovulation days. I don’t want to check my cervical mucus. I don’t want to time my sex. I don’t want to sit contemplating phantom symptoms for two weeks. I don’t want to wait two weeks for results, and with my wonky cycle, often three to four weeks. I don’t want to see one more negative pregnancy test. The thought of seeing the blank space where I have now once seen a line, I fear it may break me. I am so scared my hands tremble.

And yet- I will try again. I will count my ovulation days. I will check my cervical mucus and time sex, and check my body for phantom signs and wait two weeks and take pregnancy tests. I don’t know why on an intellectual level, but I am willing to take the risk of going through the depths of hell again. Either I am crazy, or its a force beyond myself that pulls me to try and try again.

I wanted to share this youtube video from Sesame Street days. Whenever I think of trying to conceive again, I always think of the little kitten in this video. I must have watched this video 100 times growing up. Watching it now at least made me smile.  If you are reading this and are thinking of the road ahead like me, perhaps this video, if not give you comfort will at least bring back a nice memory or a smile.

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