Back to Work

April 20, 2009

I’m sitting in a desk by myself looking at the computer screen and figuring out what to do. I have trouble focusing, on a good day, but today, considering this is my first day back to work after having my miscarriage, I’m just not here. Mind you, I’ve spoken to clients and consulted opposing counsel, but then once I’m done I just feel this blankness. I can’t believe that there was a time, just two weeks ago that I gave a shit about how someone talked to me, or the worried myself silly about the outcome of the case. I guess it took a miscarriage for me to realize how silly and inconsequential all of this really is. I just don’t want to be here. I should be taking initiative and get to all the things on my “to do” list but I don’t want to. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. I want to run on a treadmill with my ipod. I want to watch sitcoms while eating brownies. It’s not like I’m crying or anything, I just have no desire to smile. I have no desire for pleasantries.

A student asked me, “so were you on like, vacation last week?”

I wish.

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