Archive for June, 2008

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Male OB-GYNs- to go or not to go

June 23, 2008

I have never seen a male doctor since becoming an adult. I prefer females. They know a woman’s body I think they understand me better. HOWEVER- my latest gynecologist was awful, she didn’t listen to me and she gave me bad advice. My Family Doctor who is absolutely lovely, recommended her GYN who is a man. I was intrigued as he will care for you from conception to birth, which very few do now, but it feels immodest. Ya know? But I finally put aside my fears and decided that this is who I am going to see since he is highly recommended by someone I trust. So ofcourse I come across the above picture on postsecret today! I’m still going to go!

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Spotting.

June 23, 2008

I can’t tell you what day of my cycle i am on since I did not have a normal period this past cycle. But I’ve had fun charting my cervical mucus (CM)… I haven’t put it in a chart this month because I didn’t know when to begin counting from…. but I’ve noticed the gradual changes to my body. Today though, I got the sensation that comes when you are approaching the fertile, so I checked, and I was spotting. reddish brown spotting. Did this always happen and I just notice it now? Its entirely possible…. Well there is a chance this is ovulatory bleeding, in which case….. fingers and toes crossed. Sigh.

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Hmmm

June 21, 2008

Well- I’ve noticed a cyclical cycle (silly statement as cycles are by definition cyclical…anyhow, I digress) where I get hopeful after a period (or a weird anovulatory period) that THIS MONTH WILL BE THE MONTH I WILL CONCEIVE MY DAUGHTER…. and then the agonizing weight as my wayward cycles chooses when to come and I wonder constantly am I pregnant? and then ofcourse the crushing crushing feeling when the bleeding of a period tells you- NOPE. Its a cycle of hope, agony, disappointment, despair, sadness and then hope.

We are doing the BD every single day. I thought it would feel like a chore, but it doesn’t so far.

This is month four. I’m happy for people who have kids again… I dont necessarily scroll through ALL the pictures of the happy family, but I no longer feel jealousy, but I know that this is cyclical… and it will come again to haunt me in a few weeks time. SIGH.

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I must not be jealous of the fertility of others

June 18, 2008

This needs to be my mantra. Jealousy. Its an emotion I never understood before. People would say “X is jealous of Y” or “Bob is jealous of you” and it baffled me, why would anyone feel jealousy for another. I’m not even that far into the journey of infertility but already jealousy afflicts me. I see a pregnant mother complaining about the accident that is her unborn child and I feel an anger sear through me with a shock that frankly… shocks me. Jealousy is an awful emotion. Its a dark cloud that is of your own making. Its a negative black hole which sucks in everything around it. Jacks’s sister had her second baby today. I am so happy for her, I called and congratulated and smiled. And then I hung up, and I wept. This is unacceptable. I will repeat the mantra of this subject heading until it is seared into my skull.

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Reasons

June 15, 2008

I am not pregnant this cycle because:

1. I was sick for two weeks. That can affect ovulation.

2. I traveled every weekend in May. That can affect ovulation.

3. Maybe if I got pregnant: (1) There would be a problem for the baby (2) My health could have been affected (3) Maybe the baby would have come at the wrong time in life that I don’t know about yet.

They say there is a reason for everything. I’m trying to find the reason for me.

Strangely- this helps.

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Being Strong

June 15, 2008

I cry so easily, I am so weak. I see photo updates e-maied to me by friends and I can’t look at the babies because I think I will never have one and it reminds me of what will never be mine.

My body is still in mutiny, I think the last of the light brown spotting ended yesterday, today my breasts are dense, and I feel nausea, but I know I am not pregnant, its just my bdoy pu nishing me from crimes I know  no. The feeling of symptoms despite knowing the truth in your heart it just hurts.

But this pain at looking at babies that I feel thes days…. this surprises me and it disappoints me. Is this jealousy i am feeling? I don’t want to be a jeaous person. I don’t want to transmit bad vibes. I think I need to get a grip and I need to be a bit stronger.

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Cycle Day 42

June 13, 2008

I am so confused. Its possibly Cycle Day 42. I had brown discharge with a bit of red, not enough to even require changing one pad and then nothing. Its all gone. If this is not pregnancy then this is a classic anaovulatory period. I dont know why now. Its just all very very frustrating.

In some ways I’d like to still believe this is implantation bleeding except I heard it never really looks RED, which mine did yesterday, it was red. It wasn’t heavy, very very light, just a pad’s worth if even that… but never the less, it was red.

Today I feel nauseous, my boobs feel heavy and I wanted to nap from the moment I woke up.

But I am reading into what are not signs.

I will repeat this over and over again.

Trying to have a baby is the most heartbreaking thing in the world.

I love her but I have not met her.

I want her so badly my heart aches.

The thought of never knowing her, of never having her…

This is the pure essence of love unrequited.