Posts Tagged ‘progesterone’

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Clomid. Progesterone. Bloodwork. Oh My!

August 5, 2009

My doctor called today with the results of the panel of tests my maternal fetal specialist ordered to investigate my lupus anticoagulant disorder. The results were funky. The lupus anticoagulant test came back normal which confused my doctor and me. Her theory is that either I’m borderline and the test got me on a good day, or the aspirin is helping fix that issue. Four tests came back bad and I wish I knew the names but they were so convoluted I got confused, however those four clotting disorders that were present increase the risk of miscarriage. My next step is to see a hematologist and go over the results with them and see if they recommend anything above and beyond lovenox or heparin and if this will affect me beyond just getting and staying pregnant. She can’t refer me to a hematologist since I’m no longer pregnant so now I get to go through some insurance fun to figure out my recommendation. Fun times!

As much as I know I should avoid Dr. Google, he’s just always there for me. I’ve been doing some research on the link between PCOS and low progesterone and the results seem to be mixed. Some say that PCOS causes low progesterone which can cause miscarriages. Some say this theory is rubbish. My progesterone levels at 5 weeks pregnant were 9.5 which my doctor said was low. However, the question is: Did the low progesterone cause the miscarriage, or was the pregnancy doomed hence the progesterone low? The reason I’m researching is because I’m considering taking Clomid next cycle. Until now I’ve gotten pregnant twice on Metformin alone but my ovulations happened on crazy cycle days like CD29 and CD40. To be effective progesterone supplements must be taken immediately upon ovulation. Clomid would help us predict ovulation and thus when to take progesterone supplements. So my goal with Clomid is to be able to time my progesterone supplements.

In my OB’s opinion she didn’t think progesterone supplements did anything but it never hurts to take them so she fully supports a Clomid/progesterone cycle if it will ease my worries. She encouraged me to talk to the RE in September to get a more informed opinion.

I’m already taking more pills than an 84 year old grandmother so the thought of adding more pills if I don’t have to is causing me confusion. There are side effects to clomid I’ve read such as decreased EWCM and occasional implantation issues, so if I dont have to take it then I don’t want to [though my ovulation is so unpredictable there is a huge thought of comfort that with Clomid at least I’d most likely ovulate]. I’m just so confused about whether or not progesterone does in fact save pregnancies, or if my issue is just the clotting issue which lovenox could resolve.

Have you used Clomid? Or had low progesterone but successful pregnancies via Lovenox? Any thoughts or advice on any of this that you might have would be much appreciated.

**And by the way- My boobs are aching. I feel ready to sleep at 9pm and have to drag myself out at 8am. I have waves of nausea! Is this normal post-miscarriage? I thought all this stuff should be going away, not to mention I didn’t have them when I was actually pregnant!

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Thoughts post-miscarriage #2

July 26, 2009

I’m sure anyone who battles infertility and anyone who has the loss of miscarriages under their belt never could have imagined how difficult having a child would be. I had an inkling due to my irregular periods that I would battle infertility. I never knew I would face the pain of miscarriage, twice. So far. What do I make of two miscarriages with two heartbeats? Is it a progesterone problem, since I was borderline two weeks ago. Is it my HCG doesn’t know how to double? Is it the lupus anticoagulant? Is it my cervix or uterus that find child carrying bothersome? I hope against all hope that an RE will know the answer. All I know is I’m sad, I’m angry, and I feel guilty as hell. I am aware the guilt is illogical but its real and throbs in my chest.

1. I feel guilty that babies with heartbeats that are supposed to have less than 2% chance of dying, die in my womb. I’m so sorry to have brought them into this world only to have left without a kiss or a hug.

2. I feel guilty that thanks to my fucked up body Jack isn’t a father. He told me last night, as though reading my mind, I want a baby with you, and if its not with you then with no one else. Still, the guilt eats away at my soul. God, he’d be a good father. He would rock her to sleep and teach her tennis. I wish I had it in my power to give him a child.

3. I feel guilty that thanks to my fucked up body my parents are not grandparents.  They want it bad and I can’t give it. God knows, I try. I do my best but I can’t seem to follow through. They are coming this weekend and I feel a strong lump in my throat. They should be coming to spoil a grandchild. Every interaction we have feels empty to me because there is not a child. My parents will not live forever. I’m so afraid they’ll never meet their grandchild.

Grief and guilt intermingle through my veins in equal parts. Jack wants to wait at least three months. He says we should make an appointment with an RE and figure stuff out and just spend some time not thinking about baby making. I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand I want to try again. Yes I got pregnant twice back to back but I don’t take it for granted. I spent 13 months trying in vain. I know how long the stretch can be. Each month we wait feels like time that I can’t get back, time wasted in the babymaking game. Then on the other hand it makes sense. I can workout and lose the ten pounds Ive been battling. I get three months of not TTC, or TWWing. God knows TWWs suck. Maybe it would do me good. I’m scared to risk three losses in a year. but you’re most fertile post-miscarriage. All these thoughts swirl as I face the future, grieve the past, and wonder the hell I’m going to do right now. Thanks to those who sent well wishes. I appreciate it. I warn you though, this blog won’t be a very fun place to be for some time.

I’m Charlie fucking Brown and I can’t seem to stop trying to kick that football. Can someone please shoot Lucy?

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It’s Tuesday. Still Waiting.

July 21, 2009

I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t work. I’m sitting here just staring at this phone willing it to ring. Will I have an u/s today or will I not? What is the fate of my future? Will I hold a child in March? Or will we be waiting for blood and the long road of TTC again. My body feels wound, tightly like those wind up dolls of my youth. One more turn of the dial and I break. Jack is amazed at how well I’m handling this. He doesn’t know I’m not handling it well at all but this time I’m keeping it to myself. No sense in dumping on someone who is equally nervous though not as vocal or obviously nutty. Ring phone, ring, and tell me only sweet things.

Updated to add: The nurse just told me the report is on the doctor’s desk but she’s in surgery until at least 1pm. I can’t get the results until at least then.

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Cupcakes

July 20, 2009

I have not been crying, or ranting, or talking a lot about my worries to Jack like I normally would in a situation like this. Instead, I’ve been quiet. I’ve been reading, staying upstairs in our bedroom watching mind numbing Bridezilla reruns and staring at my nails. I think my silence is freaking him out.

Urging me downstairs I came down and we watched a recorded episode of 30 Rock where cupcakes were advertised. Suddenly, I wanted a cupcake. More than anything in the world I wanted a delicious Publix cupcake of my childhood with the colorful icing and sprinkles. Lets go get it, Jack said. I shook my head. I don’t need a cupcake, I’ll survive, but the urge (trying not to call it a craving) was amazing, my taste buds seemed to screech for it. Then sitting down to my computer I saw a news story of the largest cupcake in the world created today. That’s it, Jack said getting his keys and slipping on his flip flops. I’ll drive, you get them. I protested the store closes in ten minutes! He remained unpersuaded.

Let the record reflect that cupcakes can turn a frown upside down, even if its for the duration that one is consuming the nostalgic delicacy. As difficult as what I’m going through is, I am grateful for late night cupcake runs.

11 hours until the blood draw.

48 hours from now, I’ll know.

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Thoughts as I wait

July 19, 2009

No one really knows what’s going on, and honestly, I don’t want to verbally talk about it with anyone. Jack knows, but the thought of explaining this and the real possibility of an impending miscarriage, I just can’t do it. For that reason I’m writing a lot on this blog of mine. Thanks to those who are reading. If you think I’m talking too much, sorry, I just need some way to sort through my feelings.

I didn’t wake up to pee two nights in a row now. My boobs are a little bigger, a little sore, but otherwise I have no symptoms. None of the comforting irritability I had with Speck. With Speck I could want to kill you or weep for hours just for looking at me funny. So irrational, but so secure to know the hormones were running rampant through my blood. I feel so normal right now because the progesterone isn’t running high through my body. Honestly, if anyone ever complains about bad preggo symptoms in my presence, I’m not sure what I will do. Cursing nausea is cursing a healthy thriving pregnancy. I can’t judge them, if I didn’t have these issues would I be similarly sensitive?

Last night I was changing my clothes and pressed my hand against my stomach. I felt overwhelmed with so much grief and so much fear. You see, its one thing to be patient and calm for me in trying to get pregnant, that is hard and a struggle as is, but to know that someone is growing inside me and then may not, that is double pain. Pain for me and pain for who I loved and lost. A big part of me wants to accept this is over. The symptoms aren’t there. The progesterone is low. I just might miscarry. The other part, the hopeful part raising its hand from the back of the classroom squeaks, but you might not.

I’m trying hard to distract myself. I’ll shower now and blow dry my hair. I’ll read a nice book. I’ll clean my bedroom. I can’t walk around with this sharp stabbing pain for the next 48 hours. I don’t know. To lose two beings I love in the span of months, it makes my head throb.

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Waiting for Tuesday

July 18, 2009

As my previous posts indicated my blood work came back with decent HCG levels (3500) and a border-line/low progesterone level 9.5. Normal is 15.  Monday I get blood work to see if my HCGs are rising and Tuesday I get those results. If the results are good then I get an ultrasound. I’m trying very hard in the meantime to not go mad counting down. We had brunch today, and watched dumb movies. A friend just called to invite us to his place for a bbq tonight. So life is good, moving moving.

We got a call from Jack’s parents. They want to visit next weekend. I’m super tensed up about this. If I have a bad result I will not be able to deal with that and them at the same time. I told Jack if the results are bad he’s going to have to get them to not come. I don’t know how we’ll manage that, but his parents are tough enough to handle in a good frame of mind, much less a muddied one.

I got two bills in the mail. One from my insurance company, one from the hospital where I miscarried. The insurance company appeared to cover all my costs. The hospital says they denied $700 and I need to pay it ASAP. Ofcourse they are closed until Monday. I don’t know how I’m supposed to come up with the energy to deal with them this coming week along with all the other stuff. I’m so exhausted from insurance companies.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is a miracle pregnancy. I ovulated off cycle somewhere around CD33 or 40 and against the odds conceived.  Technically based on cycles, this was unusual. So, maybe even though my progesterone is borderline low, I can make it through with a healthy successful pregnancy. It can happen. Its possible. Yes its also possible for the reverse to be true, but why sit in a puddle of fear when hope is so much sweeter.

I’m surprised I’m not a crying rambling wreck. I do cry. Especially when I pray. But I’m not as bad as I thought I would be. I know come Tuesday I will be a full and complete mess, but until then the fact that I’m going about life, well, that is nothing short of miraculous.

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How to Pass Time

July 17, 2009

Tuesday is my ultimatum day. The day I find out if my HCG levels are rising. If rising, its the day of my ultrasound to see if there’s a heartbeat and date the pregnancy. As I stated in my previous post, my progesterone levels are low. They are 9.5 when it should be 15+. The doctor said progesterone supplements won’t save a pregnancy dying anyways. Low progesterone levels can indicate a failing pregnancy. Not always, but often. She said don’t ruin your weekend panicking. We might find out Tuesday that all is well and you worried for nothing. That’s easier said than done, when I heard these same words about three months ago on a similar phone call with a similar fear.

I’m in shock. I’m angry. I’m sad. I can’t wrap my mind around this. Jack says its good to be prepared at least. We weren’t prepared last time. This time we have advance warning. I don’t know what’s better. I know that not having to worry about a miscarriage would be the best alternative.

I have no earthly idea how to pass the time. Tomorrow when Jack goes to play basketball I’m going to go a bookstore and work on my manuscript and read books on formatting and how to submit. Other than that I’m stumped. I need to pass these next  88 hours without losing my sanity.

Praying for a sunflower miracle in my life. Why does this have to be so damn hard