Posts Tagged ‘About me’

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I am more than my infertility

May 23, 2009

This blog is  my place to release my frustrations surrounding my infertility and the pain of my miscarriage. From what I’ve read it seems I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the inability of my body to do what for so many is effortless. My doctor said it will take me three to six months to grieve my loss. It seems I am normal in how I feel but I want to also say that I am more than just this though sometimes it is a struggle to define myself outside of these challenges I face.

I have PCOS. I am infertile. I had a miscarriage that haunts me. But-

I am a reader. I read anything and everything as long as its well written. I am a writer. I’ve written a full length novel that I am currently revising. I am a traveler. I love experiencing other cultures. I am a decent cook (though I hate cleaning up afterwards) and I am kick ass at Taboo (most times). I am an attorney. I represent low income kids with disabilities with their legal issues. I like helping children, but I often doubt my decision to go to law school because I really dislike the confrontational aspects of law. I probably will quit my job in September and try to pursue my dream of writing full time to see where it leads me. I love grapefruits, and chocolate in any form. My favorite color is pink.  I am a wife. A sister. A daughter. A niece. A friend.

It is a struggle some days to remind myself that I am more than an infertile miscarrying PCOSer. It is difficult sometimes to not discount all I’ve acheived and all that I am because of this one important area in which I feel like I am failing. It is a matter of constant reminding and convincing of the objective truth that I am a full human being, and should not be defined solely in the areas that I am incomplete.

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About Me

April 22, 2008

I am a  former teacher turned lawyer married to the love of my life for the past six years. When we first got married the thought of getting pregnant filled me with panic. My husband and I were very young when we married and we wanted time to see the world together, get more education, and just get to know one another as well. In 2006, I decided I wanted to have a baby, but my hubby  [who I will call Jack] felt he just was not ready yet. As it takes two to tango, and I’m not on a soap opera where I poke holes in the condoms as melodramatic music plays in the background, I waited until he was ready.

January 2008, Jack decided that he too was finally ready to experience the miracle of life and to share our life with a baby.

In my misconceived notions of pregnancy, I thought “If you wish upon a star” a baby was born nine months later. Yes, I know where babies come from, but I thought the whole concept was straightforward: Boy meets girl. Boy does the baby dance with Girl. Girl has baby nine months later.

I am beginning to learn this is not the case. There are so many factors at play when it comes to getting pregnant. I never knew that it can take a year or longer to conceive. I never knew that you could only get pregnant a handful of days each month and that even those handful of times your odds are only 25% at best each try! For me this is particularly troubling since my periods are not the regular 28 day cycles.

In November 2009 a good doctor finally diagnosed me with PCOS [Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome]. I took metformin to balance my hormones and conceived in February. April 13, 2009 I lost my baby at 11 weeks.

I continue again on the road to conception, this time a little more battle weary, a broken heart splintering as I speak and pray that the next time will give me joy.