Becky and Mabel: The epic struggle

September 9, 2009

Pregnancy discussed.

Lately it feels like I have multiple personalities, and they don’t get along. There’s Becky. She has two ponytails laced with ribbons and wears a pink cheerleader outfit. She has two giant pom poms and loves daisies, springtime, and kittens. Then there’s Mabel. She wears black, paints her fingernails purple, smokes cigarettes in the girls bathroom. She loves beating up freshmen, killing bunnies, and glaring. A typical day:

Becky: Nausea! I have nausea! This is good!
Mabel: Uh yeah, sure. If you didn’t eat so fucking much you’d feel fine.
Becky: The ultrasound will be so exciting!
Mabel: (Yawn) Because seeing a heartbeat means something right?
Becky: Ooh I’m getting stretchy feelings in my uterus, it must be growing!
Mabel: Or you’re about to have a miscarriage, you idiot.
Becky: Katery put up pictures of her crib. I can’t wait to crib shop.
Mabel: You are not her. You have no business dreaming.
Becky: But this could be it!
Mabel: But it’s probably not, so burn the damn pom pom before I stuff you in a locker.

For the past two weeks I’ve been doing pretty good about keeping Becky stuffed in the boys locker room. But Jack, he’s so hopeful lately and as much as I try to resist its contagious. He’s named it sunflower. He’s figured out the approximate due date. He talks to it. He didn’t do this last time. After we lost Speck he said he’d never do it again so I don’t get why he’s doing it now. I don’t want to tell him not to because seeing him excited fills me with so much warmth, but at the same time the fucking pom poms come out and I actually start looking at the gerber ad on TV and think I’m gonna hand make my baby food. These thoughts are always followed by a quick reprimand to Becky to stop this silly hope business. I’m fine with you sitting in a corner emitting gentle rays, but to leap up and start doing the macarena? No! No! No! You’ve had two losses and you’re at higher risk for a third. Protect your fucking heart. What the hell is wrong with you?

So yes, it seems that multiple losses leads to multiple personalities. I’m doing my best to manage both sides of myself, but if you see Becky jumping rope or flashing a toothy smile, trip her down the stairs, m’kay?


  1. As long as you’re not actually hearing those voices, or speaking back to them, your struggle sounds completely rational. =)

    I’m sorry it’s so scary and that you’re having such a hard time. I hope the next week flies by, and that September 14th brings you to a new world of peace.

    • Thanks Melissa! No, not actually hearing voices ;), but the struggle is real.

  2. I get Mabel. I do…but I absolutely refuse to trip Becky down the stairs. 😉 You need her too. You deserve her too. I’ll take Mabel out to the indie theater and we’ll go watch a John Waters movie or something for the next eight months.

  3. I’m with Traci….no way am I going to trip Becky down the stairs!

    In fact I think I might steal one of her pom poms and join her cheerleading squad…lets see you try to trip me down the stairs m’kay?

    LOL xxxxx

  4. Love the post, and love Becky. Shall not trip her, shall, in fact, cheer her on. Seriously – understand the feelings, but oh boy – Becky is so much more fun to hang out with. Keep her around, ok? This pregnancy is going to be a drag if Mabel’s your only brain company.

  5. I agree with everyone else. I know that for right now Mabel is a necessary component, however, Becky is too! Hope we get to give her an extra set of pom-poms soon!

  6. Oh god, this is perfect, perfectly right. I am *just* starting to maybe get excited most of the time – just a little. Just starting to think of what if. What if.

    You are doing so well – you express things so close to my heart and you are not alone – and any thoughts, impulses, fears, etc. you have – you are not alone.

    I dreamt that this monster (from true blood) was trying to possess me last night – it turns your eyes black – and everyone around me had black eyes except me – and then I saw my babies inside me and they had black eyes.

    Yep – my version of Mabel sent me that dream.

  7. I love this post– I love the “characters” and totally get the excitement and the reticence.
    And jack! talking with sunflower! awwwww! See that melts my heart.

    This is what makes us human, we know too much, but we have the guts to hope anyway- and you know what? Becky just may be right.

    sending love to all your personas,

  8. First of all, I can’t believe I forgot to stop by to wish you a happy birthday a few days back! I’m sorry. =( HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    Second, do you want me to beat up Mabel? Her purple fingernails and penchant for bunny-killing don’t scare me. =)

    I’m sorry for your internal struggle, but I love your hopeful side. Keep blooming, little sunflower!

  9. i had weird stretchy feelings in my uterus area very early on too, sort of like i did a bunch of sit-ups, must be a good sign becuase i’ve made it pretty far and that must mean you’re going to as well.

  10. Try to think positive… I know it is hard and scary, but sometimes we need Becky over Mabel. I had too many Mabel moments in my last pregnancy and I regret “wasting” some of the precious time I had with those thoughts. It’s hard to keep “Becky” up but ultimately it really helps with the emotions that are there (and cant be avoided).
    Big hugs!

  11. You always seem to have a way of putting into words exactly what I’m thinking! Those two are the bane of the IF-ers existence!

  12. I love this post too. I think all of us who have been “pregnant” or wished to and waited to find out had these same feelings but with different names. I like all your “friends”, but I agree keep the beckster in check, ok to hang out for a bit, just keep her as$ in line. xoxoxoxoxo

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