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Starting the healing process, maybe

April 28, 2009

This miscarriage did not simply take away the future I imagined for the child who resided within me for those brief months. My miscarriage was an earthquake shattering my preconceived notions of God and faith. It was these two things that took me to what feels like the lowest reaches of hell. I lost a dream and I lost the framework with which I saw my world.

I’m beginning to analyze my grief and pain within the context of a God. Faith is about a belief in what one cannot tangibly witness. Love, trust, hope, God.

Something wretched has happened to me, like someone stripped away my skin and threw alcohol on the bloody wounds. This makes me question God, it makes me question His existence. Would a kind loving God hurt me this way?

But- when did he promise me an easy life? When did He promise to pave my path with flowers? Yes, I thought after my hardship of infertility, God gave me ease with the pregnancy… but no one guarunteed I would not lose it. That life would not grow difficult again.

Life is difficult for everyone in their own individual ways. Lost jobs. Death of loved ones [a difficulty we must all someday endure]. Illness. Heart break. Theft. Cruelty. No one save those who may lack capacity to understand are spared from life’s heartaches.

Life is beautiful, yes. But life is very very difficult too.  Sometimes we begin to think that we are entitled to a loving partner, or a healthy baby, or a job we like. When we don’t get it we are angry at God for not making life work as we wanted.

This miscarriage has stripped me from the spiritual daze I’ve lived in for three years. It’s forced me to question God, and my life, and how I feel about faith. Questions that I have avoided because they are too complicated to contemplate. This miscarriage caused me to instinctively turn to God and then confront how lost I feel lately. I’m a hamster on a wheel that stopped spinning and this miscarriage has given me a kick start.

I’m not sure what this means for me. Will this contemplation lead me closer to God or further away? Can I once again believe as I once did that there is a purpose in our lives and a reason things happen, good or bad?

I don’t know. But I can’t help but be taken aback by this one thing: A dear friend flew in last night. I’ve known of her arrival for months. I looked forward to her visit and my chance to share my good news with her. Ofcourse by the time she came, there was no longer that good news. However, talking to her is slowly leading me out of the darkness I’ve been in for weeks now. I had no idea I would miscarry or that I would tell her or or that she would be the  impetus of me considering finding my faith again. I cannot help but wonder, if perhaps someone else did know I would miscarry and knew that she would be someone who would give me the strength I needed at this time an the assistance to reevaluate my relationship with God. I look at the timing of it all and I wonder: Is He watching over me? Did he arrange events to happen just so?

I don’t know. But the thought of this, the mere possibility, gives me a strand of peace.

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