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Ways I sometimes blame myself

April 24, 2009

1. I flopped down on my stomach once when I went to bed.

2. I lifted a suitcase onto the overhead compartment on a flight.

3. I worried.

4. I started pre-natals a week after I found out I was pregnant.

5.  I complained about my nausea once.

6. I drank tea.

7. I got upset over my JOB. Or a letter from the HOA to FIX MY MAIL BOX. Or something my MIL said. Or my WEIGHT and wondering how I’d lose the baby weight when I’m not at the WEIGHT I want to be at now. I did not fully appreciate my baby. I focused on shit that was unimportant and didn’t just remain grateful night and day that I was pregnant and I should be happy. So he was taken from me. For my ungrateful nature.

8. I didn’t push my doctor on getting progesterone shots when she said I didn’t need them.

9. I forgot to take my metformin medication one night.

10. I wasn’t skinny enough.

11. I yelled at my SIL

12. I considered a friend’s offer to throw me a baby shower. I counted my chickens before they hatched.

Logically, I know that many of these reasons are illogical. I know that one missed dose of Metformin, which was just recommended and optional, did not result in the miscarriage. A friend pointed out Octo-Mom has 14 babies and she’s not a saint to the world. I get that on an intellectual level. But the base instinctual part of me turns against myself. I guess it is natural to try to find someone to blame.

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2 comments

  1. It is very normal to try to find something or someone to blame – it’s human nature – but I hope that you can find some other scapegoat besides yourself.

    When I was pregnant I tried to sleep on my stomach all the time for selfish reasons, (my favorite sleep position). I continued with martial arts, sex, swimming. For the first few months I was so nauseous I ate only milkshakes because that was all that appealed to me. I didn’t take my prenatal vitamins. I’m clumsy and constantly fell climbing the stairs with baskets of laundry and things like that. I argued with my sister, I snapped at my husband. I was much more overweight to begin with than you’ve ever been in your whole life. I complained about how awful pregnancy was – how I felt like a whale, how I was hot, how I was nauseous, how I couldn’t wait to have my body back to myself. I grudgingly went to a baby shower that was thrown for me and felt annoyed because baby showers just aren’t my thing.

    Almost every pregnant woman commits “sins” … You know that I had 2 healthy babies. I didn’t get them because I deserved them and you didn’t not get yours because you didn’t.

    I know you get it on an intellectual level – I hope you get it on an emotional one soon. It’s not your fault. {{hugs}}


  2. i so relate to this list…sometimes searching for the elusive answer to “why” is crazy-making.



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