PMS post miscarriage and dark thoughts

June 11, 2009

I once had a friend. She was my best friend. We did everything together and I trusted her completly. Our husbands were friends. We had standing invitations to one another’s house each weekend. I felt grateful to have them so dear to us. One day out of the blue she stopped speaking to me completely. She made new friends. When I saw her, she would turn her back and ignore me. One day her friends tore up pictures of me in her home and stuck them on the fridge. To this day I have no clue what I did. In the beginning I’d call and beg her to tell me what I did wrong. Our friendship was worth more than a misunderstanding, or if I made a mistake, worth more than ending over a mistake. At least, I asked, tell me what my mistake was. She refused. She as a bubbly vivacious girl attracts friends like honey and bees. I withdrew from all the social circles because it was uncomfortable to be in a corner while all the people crowded around her.  She hurt me so badly. She is pregnant.

She called me three weeks ago after two years of silence and cold glares and left a message saying she wanted to tell me what happened. It did not sound like an apology (which I would have accepted so we could move on) but instead a time to rehash what happened two years earlier. No, I thought. I’m done with the past. I’ve moved on. I wondered why now?

My friend who told me Tricia was pregnant was not prepared for my face to go white. For me to get tears in my eyes. I told her about my miscarriage. Otherwise I’d look really weird wouldn’t I? It was uncomfortable. I wish I hadn’t shared though she is very supportive. I just have a very hard time talking about face to face I guess.

I told Jack. He’s out of town. He said he knew. My friend’s hubby [Chris] is still in touch with Jack I guess. Chris told Jack before Tricia called and left the message My wife has PCOS she finally got pregnant and she wants to call and apologize to Kate. Jack told Chris that it was up to me what I wanted to do. He didn’t tell me any of this because he didn’t want to influence my decision and he knew how emotional I could get.

I’m just thinking to myself: Why. Why two days before my period? As I sit on a heap of negative pregnancy tests when Jack is not here When I’m in a darkened home all by myself, WHY NOW do I have to hear this? This girl was downright mean. In the end she won by having all my friends. Now she wins the battle of fertility too.

That’s silly isn’t it? Were not competing? But she did win. She gets a room full of friends while I sit here alone. She gets to have a baby while I sit and mourn mine.

Why God. Why does it work that way? I’m crying. I’m feeling a mix of emotions. Jealousy. Guilt over my jealousy. Anger at the All Mighty. Self Pity. Grief. Hopelessness. A huge helping of hopelessness. Fucking hell, infertilyt sucks. I hate being powerless. I hate having no control. I hate this SO much.

I talked to Jack about it today and he says I’m darker than usual. He said that the level of emotionality that I’m displaying is like how I was weeks after the miscarriage. I’m wondering if this is because of the fact that I’m due for a period on Saturday (I think- you never know with PCOS). This is PMS times twenty. Is PMS post miscarriage more horrifying for everyone? I’d like to think my emotions are just my hormones getting the better of me. I hope so.


  1. whoa, you must be strong because i am sure that my curiosity would completely overwhelm my pride. i’m sorry you had to get news like that during such a hard time. don’t feel bad for being jealous, it is a human emotion and totally natural, i am always a little jealous when i find out that someone i know is pregnant.

  2. I thought of you when I found out… was hoping there was some way you wouldn’t, at least not now. Hope you’re doing okay. Call if you want company while Jack’s out of town.

  3. wow, i cried when i read your story. I am so, so sorry. i cannot imagine what you are going through. i know what you mean – it’s not a competition – but sometimes it feels like it is. you are clearly a beautiful person. you will win.. i just know it. hugs and love your way..

  4. God, I know how it hurts. And the fact that we can’t control this kind of thing just drives the dagger in deeper.

    I would have to know what the big deal was about those years ago, why she ‘broke up’ with you. To give me closure I think. Do you think on any level that it would help? Maybe what she has to say will reveal what a horrible person SHE is and you can be comforted by the fact that, when it really counts, as to the things you can control – you win.

  5. Thanks all. I don’t know if I will find out just because its been too long and she has been really mean. Her message was quite haughty and now that I know it was just to clear her conscious before she has her baby, I’m just going to leave well enough alone. If she has lingering feelings of guilt she wants to resolve in her hormonal state, well she’ll have to resolve them some other way.

  6. relationships are complicated…i hate that that is true…and pregnancies, fertility hunting and miscarriages make them ever more so. i had a falling out with a friend right around my first m/c and it still haunts me 1 1/2 years later…but i guess i feel like if that isn’t someone we want in our lives, no use re-connecting just to dis-connect again, you know?

  7. your re-connect just to dis-connect statement really struck me. Thanks, it really says it best why I don’t want to get in touch.

  8. […] of those friends is my ex-friend who is loud and vivacious and quite pregnant. [I wrote about it here] I know it will be an evening of all about Tricia and I feel very uncomfortable about it. What […]

  9. […] for days to come.  Last night I went to dinner with some friends and Tricia, (who I wrote about here). All the women were either pregnant or new mothers. I knew this was coming and I had meditated and […]

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