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A perfect portrait but for the hole

June 11, 2009

Jack asked me today, Help me understand: You have a loving relationship with your brothers and parents, you and I get along wonderfully, you’re quitting a job you hate to pursue a dream, we travel the world together, and eat lots of delicious chocolate chip cookies. Your life is the same as it always was. Yes you want something, but even if you don’t get that, what you have, isn’t that good?

This is how I can explain. Imagine a drawing, a cartoon drawing you make as a kid. The portrait has a stick figure boy, and a girl, a big heart between them. Next to them is my parents and brothers all cute stick figures with big smiles. There is green grass and a lake nearby and fish swimming with wide grins. You see a house in the back with a little chimney, and I’m holding an album of “Our travels” in my hand. Now imagine a hole. A rip on the top right hand corner of the page. It’s a large hole. It does not take away from what’s drawn on the page but its there, and you can’t help but notice this ugly hole just there. The more you try not to look at the hole the more you see it. Soon its all you can see.

That’s where I am right now. I’m trying to learn how to co-exist with that hole. I’m trying to appreciate the rest of the picture. The difference between Jack and me is this: Jack thinks I see the world mourning for what was never there. I look at our world and I see something missing. There is a difference.

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2 comments

  1. great metaphor to describe the feelings of loss and longing in this process. and we can’t forget how recent your loss is…so very recent…far too recent to make any attempts at pretending to “be okay” with life the way it was…pregnancy and m/c make a mark on our lives that lasts forever…even if some day in the future we happen to find ourselves happily on another journey. we’re not there yet. and there’s no use rushing it…the only way is through…


  2. Lilly, your comment made me cry. Thank you for reminding me that it hasn’t been that long. Sometimes I keep getting upset with myself that I’m not over it yet. You are right, m/c’s dont just disappear, they leave lasting scars on our hearts. At least that’s how it feels right now. This is my first cycle post m/c and my period is due on the 8 week anniversary of my miscarriage. I need to not judge myself so harshly. Thank you.



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