Archive for the ‘Period’ Category

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Thoughts while awaiting a period

June 14, 2009

I’m on CD32, still no period. I’m determined not to take a pregnancy test until Friday. That would be CD37 and by then any results will be accurate. It’s funny, I’ve been wanting to drink a lot of water lately, I have an unquenchable thirst. This was my first symptom of pregnancy last time though at the time I did not think of it as a symptom but instead just got weirded out at my high level of thirst. Later I read its an early preggo symptom. That’s the one and only symptom these days for me, if it is a symptom at all.  I tell myself I dont think Im pregnant and I tell myself not to raise my hopes, but then when I feel a twinge down there, I tense wondering if my period is coming, and when I tense the thought that instinctively comes to mind is no no no, please no, please let me be pregnant. And this thought sounds so whimpery and pathetic I feel slightly annoyed that I am so vulnerable to the monthly workings of my body.

I’m debating taking my prenatal pills. I avoid taking them lately because taking them reminds me of Speck. I am someone who focuses a great deal on the small things, for better or worse. When I was pregnant, I took the pills and I imagined its nutrients nourishing my speck. I imagined it so well, now I feel strange taking it on an empty womb. But today, I am tempted to resume taking my prenatal vitamins. I’m only afraid it will hurt harder if come tomorrow I bleed.

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.

May 17, 2009

.

You come

like

clockwork

a swiss train

so unlike

the rickety rickshaw

you are.

You come

bearing roses,

red,

thorny.

You whisper

sweet nothings

empty promises

of tomorrow-

as I bleed.

You and I know

the unspoken truth

We both know:

I can’t leave.

so I run my hand

over this battered body

and I

believe.

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I got my period.

May 14, 2009

I think whoever named the dot at the end of the sentence a period was someone who struggled with infertility. A period is the end. It is the final point. It is an emphatic statement. It is telling me no, period.  Don’t waste money on a pregnancy test, period. You are not pregnant, period.

A new month. A new cycle. The endometrial lining sheds. The period ensues. The body forgets what the mind cannot, that a child once resided inside. My body, it has moved on.  Body, I appreciate you started a cycle as you were supposed to. This is a feat I don’t recall you ever doing. But body, since you’ve decided to move on, why couldn’t you take the rest of me with you?  This bleeding should comfort me that hope lies ahead, but all it does is remind me of the blood I shed four weeks ago. The little being that left me bereft. The soul that still does not know how to mend.

I feel like pounding my hands on the pavement and yelling to God  I don’t want to be infertile. I tremble with tears and rage. I tremble with fear for my future, this unknown journey. Next cycle is out because my supposed ovulation will occur during my brother’s wedding weekend for which my mother has arranged all the men to stay in hotels and all the womenfolk relatives to invade the home. I laugh at this worry since it took so long to get pregnant, am I really foolish enough to think it will just take one cycle to conceive?

The cramps hurt more. The bleeding is worse. The emotional devestation scorches my soul yet again. I called it my miracle pregnancy. I’ve heard lightening does not strike twice.

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Pads and Pregnancy Tests

June 11, 2008

I felt strange today as I walked up to the CVS counter and plopped down my two purchases: Pads and Walgreens Pregnancy Test. The cashier raised an eyebrow as he scanned but I shot him a look that sent back to his scanning.

Cycle day 41 and the brown is gone replaced by red. Dark red. But again its not that much, just a little. This is not a normal period. Perhaps I did not ovulate this month and this is an anaovulatory period (A “period” that happens when you do not ovulate). The pregnancy tests say negative and my doctor friend said by now I should show positive if I am.

The agony is excruciating but I am trying to hold on. I’m accepting that this is happening for a reason.

But you know, when I was 14 I said to my mom “Why do people even have kids, I hope I never have them” My mom said “Be careful what you say, you never know when God is listening an will answer your wish” That night I went to the movie rental store and checked out a random movie I’d never heard of, it was about a woman trying to conceive and could not. I felt deathly afraid as if I just got a sign from God that one day I would have problems. Then I shook my head and said, no its a sign that I should appreciate motherhood when it comes.

I think about that moment a lot these days. I think about the words I uttered. And I feel afraid. I just can’t shake the deathly fear that I might never conceive.

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Not Pregnant.

May 3, 2008

Doctor did a blood test. BFN. They want me to come in for a progesterone shot to start my cycle.

I feel like shit. Really truly.

I also hate that no one even tried to address why I felt like I did all month. Why are my breasts still tender. None of this was explained. A whole sea of unanswered questions builds upon the anxiety growing in my heart. She’s a nice lady but she has her own one person practice. Maybe she doesn’t have time to answer these questions. I need a new doctor.

This is a dark day for me. Not because I am not pregnant. If you gave me regular cycles. I will faithfully try, with faith. But 41 days now? And no period in sight? I see nothing but darkness.