Archive for the ‘My TTC journal’ Category

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On periods. And taking charge of what you can.

May 5, 2008

I got my period today. Its a very light period compared to the sort I usually have. Very strange. But a period is a period right? At least its here which means perhaps a new cycle has (hopefully) begun. Its weird, once upon a time I thought a period meant you ovulated for sure and that a new cycle began. Who knew the wonders of the world, least of all my menstrual cycle?

I was trying to come to terms with letting go control. To some degree I do need to learn to do this just for better sanity. But coming to terms with the fact that I don’t control the universe does not mean I must relinquish control over the things I can do to help myself. Sun and Alicia so kindly pointed out that perhaps a new doctor is in order. Alicia kind of helped shake me back into reality: I can control the type of care I am receiving from my doctor meaning that at the least I can find someone who will listen to me and my concerns that I do not ovulate (concerns my doctor SHARES) and try to find out how I can.

I think the following famous saying is very apt here:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Day 40. BFN.

May 2, 2008

I don’t know why there is no part of me that has any hope I am currently pregnant. Perhaps its the ten tests all of which screamed: DUDE STOP TESTING YOU ARE SO NOT PREGNANT!!! [yes, this may have had something to do with it] but the other is that if even allow myself for a moment to think so, when the period comes, it will be all the more painful to know that this is not the month.

Worse still, when the sadness recedes, it will be replaced by worry at the strange length of this cycle. My longest recorded cycle ever [and counting]. It makes me wonder: Why have I felt abdominal cramps for two weeks now? Why did I nearly throw up yesterday? Why did my boobs GROW two weeks ago?

Right now again, I feel the oncoming of a period. And yet none.

Today I got a new stove. The movers hauled the old one away. Underneath the old stove was an old baby pacifier. I held it in my hands and then I couldn’t keep myself from wondering…. when will it be my turn to lose pacifiers under this stove?

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Day 39. And NADA.

May 1, 2008

I’m just annoyed now. Today is Day 39 of my cycle. This is the longest I ever go and yet there is still no period. I wore a pad today just incase but its the same as yesterday… a little brownish discharge but nothing more. I’m so annoyed.

Let’s say I ovulated on April 8 which puts me later than I think. I am 23 dpo. I should have had a period April 22, 2008. Even now, factoring in the latest I have ever gone I should have gotten it by now.

My boobs are sore. Today I had to fight nauseousness from 9-11am.

Now I’m just getting depressed.

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Spotting? No one said anything about spotting!

April 30, 2008

I never spot. The way I get a period is like this: One minute I don’t have it. The next minute. Whoosh. I do. Sorry for the graphic but its TRUE! Today… I’m spotting BUT: I NEVER spot! Oh and yes, took a Pregnancy Test: BFN. I only have one left. I guess I’ll take it if I’m still w/out a period by Monday. Interestingly, I want my period to come. The BFN are depressing and I believe them. I hate feeling nauseous. Today I nearly threw up twice. And knowing Im not pregnant, makes it not something I’m just cool with. Plus, the sooner I get my cycle restarted… the sooner I can try again. This interminable wait. That is the hard part. Tomorrow is day 39 and that is the longest I’ve had a cycle. We shall see…..

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Hope- Dang Hope

April 30, 2008

I was looking through the POAS website and read this:

5. Can I still be pregnant if the test is negative (have a “false negative”)? In a word, yes. You could be testing too early (before your baby is making enough pregnancy hormone to be detected by the test.) And some women (this is fairly rare, but possible) never get a positive urine test even when they’re definitely pregnant (for some reason the hormone doesn’t make it into their urine.) I have a friend who didn’t get a positive HPT until 25 DPO! (With her second baby, a test at 23 DPO was negative . . . but a test on 30 DPO was positive. Oddly enough, with #3, her positive test came at only 12 DPO.) If you get a negative test but think you might be preggo anyway, wait a couple of days (giving the hCG hormone time to build up) and try again. It’s not over until the fat lady sings– and your period crashes the party.

I like that! Not over till the period crashes the party!

Hope. So beautiful. Yet so soul crushing in the same breath eh?

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Day 37

April 30, 2008

Day 35 and 36 I felt period like cramping as though a period was actually there. I had to lay down to deal with the pain, but nothing. Today is day 37 and for a moment I felt the “You are getting your period” moment which makes you flee to the bathroom with a pad in hand, but nothing. I was a bit troubled this morning as I made eggs and suddenly felt a severe sharp shooting pain in my abdomen. It felt as though someone had stuck a sharp needle there and twisted it for a few minutes. OUCH. My boobs are…. eh… I feel like I have forgotten how they are supposed to look, they’ve been sightly big for some time now. 39 days seems to be my longest cycle. I will wait until I hit day 39. Then I will call the doctor. This isn’t a TWW anymore. This is well beyond Three weeks now.

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To Chart or not to Chart. That is the Question.

April 28, 2008

When I had asked my OB-GYN about charting and taking ovulation kits to test my prime fertility moments she had advised I not do this. “This will take all the joy out of conceiving and you will find yourself completely stressed out”.

Hmm…. but if I’m already there, does it hurt to go ahead and check and plot and outline? I don’t know. I heard that tracking your fertility can help you conceive easier, but at the same time, I know that if we were to do the BD every other day beginning 14 days after my cycle began, I’d have covered the days that the ovulation kit would indicate. So is there really a need? I’m not sure.

On one hand, charting your basal temperature, taking ovulation strips to determine prime fertility, and checking your Cervical Mucus regularly, gives you a sort of “something to do” while you wait, and can perhaps help you not be quite as emotional over the process as you simply get focused on the procedure and the methods. But at the same time, I don’t know if I want to do this yet.

Oh, and 36 days on my cycle with no AF. Not that I’m counting. Right.

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Almost day 35

April 27, 2008

Serious PMS pains. But AF isn’t here yet. Jack is convinced I am pregnant. He is convinced I have a glow to me. I wonder to myself. Was I pregnant perhaps? My symptoms were unlike any I ever experienced, and my boobs seriously grew. I have a spouse who can verify this and bras that suddenly felt tight. I had headaches unlike I ever got. So was I pregnant? Did I drink too much tea? I read that the reason caffeine is bad is because a baby’s heartbeat is so fast that when you raise your own heartbeat so much you can give the baby a heart attack. Well, something like that. I haven’t been to worried because i don’t think any hypothetical baby has a heartbeat yet. Its still a bunch of cells. I think. AND my heart rate is remarkably low. 33-45 resting. If it goes up a little its still not going to go to high levels that trouble me. Did I do something wrong?

But I digress. Jack is convinced. My mom is convinced. But how can I tell them that negative pregnancy tests mean something at 20 days post ovulation? that I feel my breasts losing tenderness though they are still more dense than I have ever felt them? But beyond these, I can feel my period coming. I know its coming. I know I am not just as much as I thought I knew that I was three weeks ago.

In some ways I want AF to hurry up and come so the next cycle can begin. In other ways, I know that not only will I be disappointed my family will too. And that hurts most of all.

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I tested. Again.

April 25, 2008

My Aimstick preggers test came in the mail and ofcourse I could not resist. BFN.

But I loved that the company sent me a little sprinkle of baby dust, and on my invoce put a huge GOOD LUCK. I really felt cared about.

I recommend you buy from Babyhopes because their prices are much cheaper and their tests are as reliable as many of the drug stores, and in most cases, more so.

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Perspective

April 23, 2008

I am a worst case scenario person in general. I also have a very short string of patience. These combine to make a very frantic person when waiting for something. After I took the bar exam, I began checking my mailbox and e-mail the the day after I took the exam. When Jack and I got engaged, every day I worried if we would fight that day and it would be the end of us. It seems I do this all the time and that this is not just limited to the Maybe Baby dilemma. Stopping hurtful habits is an important part of growth. The way I worry, and stress is not good for me. There are an insane amount of illnesses and diseases that are linked to stress. In fact, I have a mild heart condition that my doctor told me could worsen into a life threatening condition requiring a pace maker if I stress too much. So I really do need to chill out in my worrying in general.

So here are my rules that I am going to try.

1. When I catch myself falling into negative thinking, try to change it, or get up and do something else. Call a friend and talk about something else, watch a TV Show, do some research for work.

2. Focus on positive things on baby related news. If I must research baby stuff, research product reviews on baby toys, supplies, on hospitals and delivery. Focus on the good stuff that I want. Whether I have a baby on  my own, or through adoption, I know that I will hopefully be a mother. So looking up this sort of information can never really be a bad idea.

3. Pray. Pray. Pray. I have really lost touch with my spirituality and I think I need this to re-center. Sometimes I feel guilty that I seem to remember this just when I need God most in my life. But I guess He made us, so He hopefully understands. Lately I just have had personal issues with the concept of God. Though I can’t help but believe in Him, I still dont understand how there is so much pain and hurt in the world. I feel selfish and wrong asking for things, and I feel “why would God listen to me when so many others are in worse states than me” Still, prayer is more for me, than for God. And God has his reasons for everything, I just may not understand them.

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The uncertain future

April 23, 2008

I am a little nervous. Though I might joke about my obsessive nature with the testing, etc. this is bad. What if I am not pregnant? Then what? How long will I continue to TTC and then live two weeks in agony? I can’t do that? Life is about the journey not the destination?

I talked to my best friend who has a two year old daughter (who she conceived on the first try) about my agony in waiting and she said “Just wait, you either are you are not, and you will find out soon enough” She also pointed out “This is time for the best sex of your life. Not to agonize and make charts. You don’t even know if there is a problem yet!” She is right. She is right. She is right.

I tell myself this but I can’t shake the worries. There is so much pressure on me. Our parents have different reactions to our TTC…

My mom is excited and through the moon, she is as optimistic as can be, telling me all the cute baby clothes she saw, though she does manage to send me e-mails on sperms and how to help them swim from time to time.

My MIL? She has confronted both me and Jack on separate occasions to inquire which one of us has a problem. Which one of us is broken. She advised us both to go to the doctor and inquire what is wrong.

I laugh these things off but in truth they unnerve me. Is there something wrong with me? Will I disappoint my parents? Will I never be able to have kids? Is there something wrong with me?

I have had tests to check if I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) or Insulin resistance or was not able to ovulate. The tests have come back normal: I am normal.

Then why can’t I be happy now? Why am I nothing but a ball of stress and concern?

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As I wait

April 22, 2008

I am currently in the midst of my third TWW this year. We tried in January, March, and now April. My doctor discovered that I am not irregular as I once believed I was because I did not have a period every 28 days. She told me that I actually had a 35 day cycle which was why my periods came as spaced out as they did. Based on that for the month of April she told us to try on the 15, 17, 19 of the cycle.

We tried on the 15th, and the 17th, on the 19th we had an argument and it just sort of didn’t happen.

However, on the 15th I had EWCM (Egg White Cervical Mucus) which I have never noticed before, which means I was probably ovulating or just about to. Five days later on April 10 I discovered I was spotting. I got extremely excited because I thought it might be implantation bleeding though that is supposed to happen 6-10 dpo and  I was not there yet. I read I might have been at peak fertility that day which was why I had the bleeding, but we did not have sex that day because the thought of IB (Implantation bleeding) kind of turned my husband off.

It is now April 22, 2008. I am now 30 days into my cycle. I have 5 more days until my period is due. It also means I am currently 16dpo (days past ovulation). By 18dpo I have been told you will know definitively if you are pregnant or not though most people know by 16dpo. Currently I have taken approximately four pregnancy tests and all have been negative. Two were well before I should have ever done it, but in my obsessive state, I did it anyways. Preg Test 3 was 14 dpo which is the minimum to get an accurate reading earliest. BFN. Preg Test 4 was today 16dpo and again, BFN.

I am naturally a bit depressed. I have sore boobs, yesterday one was a cup size larger than the other randomly though they are the same size again now. I had a strange metallic taste in my mouth three days earlier. I felt weird cramps in my stomach.  I had major headaches, and by 9pm I want to curl up in bed and conk out for 12 hours. These are not the way I normally am. Am I just getting sick? Am I pregnant? If I’m 16dpo I should be getting a BFP and I am not. Its so frustrating.

Maybe its because I grew up my entire life waiting for test results be it from college exams, or bar exams, that I am waiting for results too anxiously, and when I see the negative, I somehow personally feel like a failure.

The bad news for my addiction (good news for my pregnancy test habit) is that I just ordered five aimsticks from Amazon.com which detect very low levels of HCG and are extremely cheap.

I really wish I could stop testing. Its becoming an obsession, and as habits come, this one is fairly addictive.

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Ways To Pass Your Time During the TWW

April 22, 2008
  1. Annoy all your closest friends by calling them often and describing every single symptom phantom or otherwise and try not to notice as they blush when you describe in obscene detail the nature of your boobs.
  2. Google and internet search for anything and everything pregnancy sign and symptom related and start checking yourself to see if you have it.
  3. Break your bank account by buying tons and tons of pregnancy tests. Ignore the advice to test every few days. Test Daily! Money? So overrated.
  4. Scare yourself silly by reading scary stories about early miscarriages and proceed to panic at every uncomfortable cramp.
  5. Tell yourself “I refuse to think about it ANYMORE” because, yeah, that really works.
  6. Ignore everything from #1-#5