Archive for the ‘My TTC journal’ Category

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On periods. And taking charge of what you can.

May 5, 2008

I got my period today. Its a very light period compared to the sort I usually have. Very strange. But a period is a period right? At least its here which means perhaps a new cycle has (hopefully) begun. Its weird, once upon a time I thought a period meant you ovulated for sure and that a new cycle began. Who knew the wonders of the world, least of all my menstrual cycle?

I was trying to come to terms with letting go control. To some degree I do need to learn to do this just for better sanity. But coming to terms with the fact that I don’t control the universe does not mean I must relinquish control over the things I can do to help myself. Sun and Alicia so kindly pointed out that perhaps a new doctor is in order. Alicia kind of helped shake me back into reality: I can control the type of care I am receiving from my doctor meaning that at the least I can find someone who will listen to me and my concerns that I do not ovulate (concerns my doctor SHARES) and try to find out how I can.

I think the following famous saying is very apt here:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Day 40. BFN.

May 2, 2008

I don’t know why there is no part of me that has any hope I am currently pregnant. Perhaps its the ten tests all of which screamed: DUDE STOP TESTING YOU ARE SO NOT PREGNANT!!! [yes, this may have had something to do with it] but the other is that if even allow myself for a moment to think so, when the period comes, it will be all the more painful to know that this is not the month.

Worse still, when the sadness recedes, it will be replaced by worry at the strange length of this cycle. My longest recorded cycle ever [and counting]. It makes me wonder: Why have I felt abdominal cramps for two weeks now? Why did I nearly throw up yesterday? Why did my boobs GROW two weeks ago?

Right now again, I feel the oncoming of a period. And yet none.

Today I got a new stove. The movers hauled the old one away. Underneath the old stove was an old baby pacifier. I held it in my hands and then I couldn’t keep myself from wondering…. when will it be my turn to lose pacifiers under this stove?

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Day 39. And NADA.

May 1, 2008

I’m just annoyed now. Today is Day 39 of my cycle. This is the longest I ever go and yet there is still no period. I wore a pad today just incase but its the same as yesterday… a little brownish discharge but nothing more. I’m so annoyed.

Let’s say I ovulated on April 8 which puts me later than I think. I am 23 dpo. I should have had a period April 22, 2008. Even now, factoring in the latest I have ever gone I should have gotten it by now.

My boobs are sore. Today I had to fight nauseousness from 9-11am.

Now I’m just getting depressed.

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Spotting? No one said anything about spotting!

April 30, 2008

I never spot. The way I get a period is like this: One minute I don’t have it. The next minute. Whoosh. I do. Sorry for the graphic but its TRUE! Today… I’m spotting BUT: I NEVER spot! Oh and yes, took a Pregnancy Test: BFN. I only have one left. I guess I’ll take it if I’m still w/out a period by Monday. Interestingly, I want my period to come. The BFN are depressing and I believe them. I hate feeling nauseous. Today I nearly threw up twice. And knowing Im not pregnant, makes it not something I’m just cool with. Plus, the sooner I get my cycle restarted… the sooner I can try again. This interminable wait. That is the hard part. Tomorrow is day 39 and that is the longest I’ve had a cycle. We shall see…..

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Hope- Dang Hope

April 30, 2008

I was looking through the POAS website and read this:

5. Can I still be pregnant if the test is negative (have a “false negative”)? In a word, yes. You could be testing too early (before your baby is making enough pregnancy hormone to be detected by the test.) And some women (this is fairly rare, but possible) never get a positive urine test even when they’re definitely pregnant (for some reason the hormone doesn’t make it into their urine.) I have a friend who didn’t get a positive HPT until 25 DPO! (With her second baby, a test at 23 DPO was negative . . . but a test on 30 DPO was positive. Oddly enough, with #3, her positive test came at only 12 DPO.) If you get a negative test but think you might be preggo anyway, wait a couple of days (giving the hCG hormone time to build up) and try again. It’s not over until the fat lady sings– and your period crashes the party.

I like that! Not over till the period crashes the party!

Hope. So beautiful. Yet so soul crushing in the same breath eh?

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Day 37

April 30, 2008

Day 35 and 36 I felt period like cramping as though a period was actually there. I had to lay down to deal with the pain, but nothing. Today is day 37 and for a moment I felt the “You are getting your period” moment which makes you flee to the bathroom with a pad in hand, but nothing. I was a bit troubled this morning as I made eggs and suddenly felt a severe sharp shooting pain in my abdomen. It felt as though someone had stuck a sharp needle there and twisted it for a few minutes. OUCH. My boobs are…. eh… I feel like I have forgotten how they are supposed to look, they’ve been sightly big for some time now. 39 days seems to be my longest cycle. I will wait until I hit day 39. Then I will call the doctor. This isn’t a TWW anymore. This is well beyond Three weeks now.

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To Chart or not to Chart. That is the Question.

April 28, 2008

When I had asked my OB-GYN about charting and taking ovulation kits to test my prime fertility moments she had advised I not do this. “This will take all the joy out of conceiving and you will find yourself completely stressed out”.

Hmm…. but if I’m already there, does it hurt to go ahead and check and plot and outline? I don’t know. I heard that tracking your fertility can help you conceive easier, but at the same time, I know that if we were to do the BD every other day beginning 14 days after my cycle began, I’d have covered the days that the ovulation kit would indicate. So is there really a need? I’m not sure.

On one hand, charting your basal temperature, taking ovulation strips to determine prime fertility, and checking your Cervical Mucus regularly, gives you a sort of “something to do” while you wait, and can perhaps help you not be quite as emotional over the process as you simply get focused on the procedure and the methods. But at the same time, I don’t know if I want to do this yet.

Oh, and 36 days on my cycle with no AF. Not that I’m counting. Right.