Archive for the ‘In laws’ Category

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Dentists, ultrasounds, and in-laws

September 11, 2009

Pregnancy discussed

1. I’m starting to enjoy going to the dentist because they’re  so hopeful. They say things like come back when you’re eight months pregnant for your six month cleaning! and after you have your baby, get your wisdom teeth removed. Wow, these people think pregnancy equals babies. They don’t know pregnancy = maybe baby. Still, whenever I’m around them I get the feeling of what it might be like to be a normal pregnant person and I feel hopeful. The dental hygienist asked me Is this your first pregnancy? I stared at her unsure how to respond. What response do you all say? I told her no, not my first pregnancy, my third but hopefully this one will stick around. I know this probably made her uncomfortable, but I feel its a dishonor to lie and say yes. I don’t want to cover up what happened and though I’m not fully out of the closet about my IF and losses in real life, I don’t know how I can lie to anyone if they ask. I’m trying to figure out a better way to answer this question since I know that when if I reach a stage where I begin to show, then people will inevitably ask and I want to be honest without making people uncomfortable.

2. Each time I had an ultrasound, I lost the pregnancy soon after. This is irrational but what if that’s the cause? My mom and Jack voiced these concerns too. I don’t know. I’m scared not only of the results of Monday’s u/s but the act of ultrasounding. My mom suggested I wait but unless there’s solid (or controversial) proof I’m getting an u/s despite the fear.

3. I just found out Jack’s parents are coming next weekend. If you read this blog you know why I’m paranoid (i.e. when I see them I bleed). Jack found good tickets to Orlando and suggested I go see my parents. I’m scared to book because what if Monday’s ultrasound is bad? Then I’d hate to go. Or, what if I fly to Orlando and the flight causes me to lose my baby? Or should I just face my fears of seeing my inlaws. My therapist says I’m clinging to superstition to feign control over life and suggested I fight the superstition and see them. I’m not sure I can handle it. If I wait until my ultrasound to book tickets to Orlando, they’ll be $900. I’m so confused.

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ICLW, Octomom, 9dpo, and in-laws

August 21, 2009

ICLW: Welcome ICLWers! This is my first time and I’m excited to discover new blogs. Blogging has helped me preserve my sanity in my darkest moments. Since my first miscarriage in April, I write a post nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. Through writing and reading your blogs I’ve learned so much about my conditions and how to be a better advocate for myself. I’ve learned that some things that feel crazy are normal in the world of an IFer. Writing helps me make sense of my world, and reading your blogs helps me remember I’m not alone. I can’t say it enough, thanks for writing and thanks for reading. Only we get we.

Octomom: I’m not proud of myself but I watched the Fox special. [Some think its wrong to call her octomom but she trademarked the name!] I’m not sure what the IF community thinks about her, but I watched with the idea that perhaps this show would reveal a sympathetic person. It didnt. The children looked depressed and angry. Not once did I see any child show affection for their mother though her two year old called her a bitch twice and one of the older children told her she was not the best parent. Not one volunteered to wish her a happy mother’s day.  She held one of the octuplets without supporting their heads, chatting with photographers with her manicured nails and the baby spit up and its coming down his little chin and she doesn’t notice because she’s too busy talking about how involved she is. What bothers me most is that IF is a hush hush topic in the US and the people who are notoriously IF, their struggles broadcast to millions is her and John&Kate +8. These rare exceptions sensationalize the topic of IF turning our issues into a circus show. I get that this draws greater ratings but the toxic comments left on message boards about these women are not directed solely at them, but to the IF community in general.

9dpo: Someone in my last post commented that 8dpo brings out the crazies in us IFers. Truer words were never spoken. The wondering of am I? Am I not? is now in full swing. Last night I got up to pee (only happens when pregnant) but then a part of me wonders Is this psychosomatic? Am I making this happen? I’m not nauseous, the boobs aren’t that sore anymore. . . time will tell, but time let me tell you something, thou are a bitch sometimes! And speaking of the tww crazies . . .

In-laws!: If you are new to my blog please read here so you understand my unique in-law woes. In brief though, every time I see them I bleed (i.e. get a period or miscarry). I know logically they’re not the cause of this but the coincidence is frightening. We’re going today to  South Carolina this weekend to see them.  I don’t have a choice. It’s a big event and Jack is adamant this is all in my head. I”m sure he’s right. There’s no rational way that my in-laws cause my bleeding. They want grand kids, they’re not sending evil vibes! I’m not even that stressed when I see them. I just don’t get it. He’s ordered me not to touch those pee sticks until we come back because he knows if it shows up positive I. will. not. go. I’m not due for a period until 8/26, so hopefully this means I’m safe. Right? Please tell me its all been a terrible coincidence? Please tell me to chill out and go for long walks and remain calm?

We come back Sunday and I’ll be without Internet while there. If you believe in prayers please keep me in them this weekend.

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Fears and in-laws

July 24, 2009

I close my eyes to sleep tonight and the thoughts from this week swirl through my mind. I’m so sorry, you are having a miscarriage. Conversations about D&Cs. Accepting another miscarriage. The hurt was physical in equal parts as it was emotional. I hear my doctor’s voice as I lay in silence. I see my father’s e-mail comforting me. I feel Jack’s arms around me as I shake with tears. The next day. I remember telling the specialist No! I don’t want an ultrasound, my HCGs are dropping, why are you going to do this? I shudder to think if he listened. Will that moment when the tech tells me my baby is 6w1d with a 104 heart rate ever feel less surreal? Because right now all I can do is think of it and feel myself tremble with disbelief and awe.

I’ve been fine all day but now tears drip down my cheeks and I’m not sure why. This blog has always been my place to sort through my feelings so forgive me if this all seems silly or unnecessary. I try to tell myself not to be afraid anymore because clearly what is meant to happen will happen and I only have today so don’t dwell on the what if’s in the future. The problem is I’ve not only just had a miscarriage in April, I thought I lost the one I have right now. The HCG isn’t doubling. They must be concerned to do weekly ultrasounds. I’m trying not to worry about the Thursday ultrasound but I can’t help it. I’m scared. I want to believe the doctors when they shrug off my not having nausea or hardly any symptoms, but its hard when you’re so afraid. My lower back hurts. Is that okay? I wonder. I feel pressure in my uterus area. Not cramping but just pressure. I immediately consult Dr. Google and scare myself silly. Pregnancy post miscarriage is always more difficult since you know what can happen. Add a history of infertility and its a recipe for paranoia and fear.

My therapist encourages me not to name the baby (Too late, Baby Bug). He said I shouldn’t talk to it. I shouldn’t say things like she’s a fighter since it hurts harder if I lose it. That I should not pin all my hopes on this one pregnancy. Isn’t that natural though? How can I see the ultrasound and the beating heart and not feel overcome by love and the corresponding worry. Every instinct in my being wants to send it good vibes, asking it to keep on fighting. I can’t wave my hand and say well if not this one, the next one. I want this one.

I think I’m also feeling very emotional because after a long week like this what I’d like more than anything is to curl in bed all weekend and catch up on the sleep I’ve gone without this week. But I can’t do that. Jack’s parents are coming in town.  I’ve written a little about them here but to put it briefly we don’t get along and thanks to how they acted after my miscarriage we won’t be telling them the news until much later (please God let there be a much later).  I also have a weird habit of bleeding whenever I see them. Somehow whenever we would visit I’d get my period. I miscarried the weekend we were visiting them. After my miscarriage there was a big blowout and we haven’t seen them in over three months. Tomorrow they will be here and the house isn’t up to par clean wise, but I don’t have the energy, and well shouldn’t JACK be working on it considering its his parents? There is no food in the house, I haven’t cooked in advance. I’m usually a good host (even if they’re seldom impressed) but I’m just feeling overwhelmed and yes, I’m scared because of the whole bleeding when they’re here sort of thing. I know its likely just a coincidence but its a fucking scary as hell coincidence. And here’s the most awful part. I know they wish Jack married someone else. Someone who was a homemaker, who had kids right away, who was more religious, etc. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have all these fertility challenges. When I see them and the hopes and dreams I did not give them, despite my intellectual awareness that they’re wrong,  despite knowing Jack loves me and we’re in this IF struggle together, I feel so guilty that their darling boy didn’t get the fertile bunny they wanted. I feel guilty I haven’t given them grandkids yet. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment. I judge myself through their eyes. These are thoughts I struggle with when I see them and I do overcome them, however I am worried about my emotional well being while they are here after a week that makes me feel like an NBA basketball.

I’m sure it will be okay. I just need to get through each day one day at a time. This weekend will pass. Thursday will come. The ultrasound will show what it will. I will be okay. Sigh.

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Irrational yet justified fears of visiting my in-laws

June 9, 2009

I have PCOS. As  result I ovulate unpredictably and have irregular and infrequent periods. As a result I can never predict my periods based on calendar or cycle day calculations. However, I can often predict when I get my period based on whether or not I’m going to visit my in-laws. My in-laws live three hours from us and for some strange reason I began noticing about three years ago that whenever I went to see them, or they came here, I would get my period. I kid ye not. At first, I did not believe it myself, I joked to Jack, haven’t gotten a period in two months, we should visit your parents. But then, we would. And I would get my period. I half joked with Jack when I got pregnant, um since I always get my period when we visit your parents, how about not visiting your parents at least for the first five or six months of the pregnancy? I knew the fear was irrational. They did not cause my body to bleed. It was just a weird eerie coincidence. And then in their home, while visiting on April 11, 2009 I began to bleed. April 13, 2009 I lost my baby.

Jack wants to visit his parents this weekend. I’m due for my period on Saturday. Seriously. I did not plan it. It just is. Last night I explained this to Jack. How each time we go. I get my period. I told him when I get pregnant I’m avoiding them for at least seven months. This time he did not say anything in response.

I would feel mean but this irrational fear now feels quite rational to me (in an irrational sort of way). My mom said the body is a powerful thing, maybe its not just a coincidence for the past (at least) three years. I likely can’t avoid them for nine months after I find out I’m pregnant, but as Saturday approaches I’m really dreading going for a visit.

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In-laws and my miscarriage

May 8, 2009

“They” [whoever ‘they’ may be] say not to tell people you’re pregnant until you are three months pregnant but there is an exception to the rule: You can tell your family. The theory I am assuming is because you’re closer to them and should things go wrong they will support you.  This is the conversation I had with my MIL hours after my miscarriage:

MIL: You okay?

Me: Yes…

MIL: How is my son? Is he okay? Is he crying a lot?

Me: He’s fine…

MIL: Are you sure? He’s not very upset is he? Does he need me?

Me: Um…

MIL: So when you got pregnant, didn’t you ask them to check your uterus and make sure everything would be fine? You got nothing checked?

Me: No, I didn’t think I had to.

MIL: You have hormone issues?

Me: *lying but how the fuck is this your business* No

MIL: Well your period, thats abnormal I’m sure, this is probably a cause

Me: No- I have to go.

I was in a daze as I recited the conversation with Jack who was furious and called his mother and told her what’s what. She then called the next day to speak to me. I did not want to talk to her but Jack insisted she would ask how I’m doing and apologize for blaming me. He put the phone on speaker phone:

MIL: So, feeling better?

Me: I guess so

MIL: What are you doing right now?

Me: Cooking

MIL: What are you cooking?

Me: Burgers

MIL: Okay, well talk to you later.

Maybe she didn’t know her “apology” and genuine interest in my well being were on speaker phone, but Jack grabbed the phone and again expressed frustration with her. She cried and said nothing she ever did was ever right, etc etc.

My SIL has been equally unsupportive. When she found out I was pregnant she was underwhelmed. My brothers, they were leaping up and down and catching their breaths, sending me cards, talking to my belly. I sincerely feel she was upset that she would no longer be the only one giving grandkids. I made mention of a baby shower perhaps, she pointed out that if you do that and then something horrible happens to your baby, then it would be a shame to have had the shower.  Since my miscarriage she e-mailed me and said “sorry to hear let me know if I can do anything”. I got more support from the receptionist at the doctor’s office.

I should not be surprised by any of this. My in-laws have never liked me. They claim to love Jack but with the way they treat him I am surprised. But, instead of supporting me, they have been salts to my wounds. Jack said to me, next time, we won’t tell them until I’m five months pregnant. It does no good to share with them.

I am so upset that they know I conceived because now they are on notice that we are “trying”, and we’ve kept this from them because we received enough hell as it was to give them grandkids without them even officially knowing we were trying to have children. Now they know. Now they will figure out my infertility issues. I can feel their judgmental gazes on me as they whisper about how Jack could have done so much better. The problem is this hurts because in some ways I do feel guilty, the part of me that doesn’t think things out, the instinctual part agrees, yeah, Jack could have done better.

He’s on the phone with them now and my blood boils. I want to scream at them. I want to rail against them and ask them WHY are you so hateful. Why can’t you just be human and reach out to a hurting person? You claim to be religious and God fearing yet you treat God’s creations with contempt. Jack points out that as a result of this experience, he’s further apart from his family. There is now a void. Should this give me satisfaction? If so, it does not.