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Thoughts while treading water

September 2, 2009

Pregnancy discussed

Metal mouth. I feel like I’m sucking on a nickel. I think the raging hormones are emerging. Today, I folded my arms and told my boss I didn’t appreciate her giving me new assignments when I was quitting in four days. I felt this weird fury building up inside of me like I wanted to punch her. I never talk back to authority, I’m a sweet meek employee. My uterus is doing minor stretchy things which causes me to run in panic to the bathroom. Yesterday I drove home from work, gripped the banister as I climbed the stairs and collapsed in my work clothes into bed, out stone cold for three hours.  I have rational other explanations for all of these things, besides, how can I take comfort in those when I didn’t wake up to pee last night. The starting of nausea that trailed me all day yesterday is dissipating. The mild symptoms peeking at me give me hope but then they play hide and seek vanishing from my sight for hours or days at a time and I wonder if they’ll ever come back.  I want to know what’s normal. I want to know what to expect. My fingers enter and backspace into the blank space of the google search engine, because I don’t want to do the same old searching that induces sleepless nights.

I am not sitting around crying all day. I am busy closing out my job, visiting family, reading, writing, napping. And eating [I really need to get a handle on that one]. It’s in the off peak hours when I’m alone that the thoughts nag me. I’m a high risk preggo. My odds of a repeat m/c are higher. I remind myself that things are different this time: I’m taking lovenox. My egg is earlier so theoretically fresher. The lovenox remains a painful task. Strangely injections on my left side hardly bruise while my right makes me look like an abused woman. I asked Lovenox HQ  about this but they had no advice except don’t poke the area after. Thanks for that useful nugget. btw- can you carry on lovenox syringes? I’m flying Friday and can’t find information on this on-line.

It’s amazing how I see infertility everywhere. I just finished “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” and one of the characters, Sissy, has ten babies who die minutes after birth. Finally she adopts, falls pregnant but for this birth goes to a hospital where they have the technology to save the baby. Instead of seeing this technology as the reason, Katie, her sister says see? she adopted and boom she has a live baby! that always happens without fail! I’m amazed this is in a book written in the 1940’s.

Kate at I can’t whistle said she feels she writes about the same stuff again and again. I feel that way too today,  like I’m saying the same thing ad nauseum. But each day each old fear feels  new. Each day I have to learn how to cope again. Each day I feel tremulous with wonder that I am still pregnant. Each day I wait for the blood as though its normal to anticipate such things. As many times as I may see it, the pain will never feel old.

To the person/people who submitted my news to LFCA. When I experienced my loss. And this past time, when I learned I was the P word again, thank you for caring and for helping me get support. Here I go repeating the usual, but it bears repeating, I am not sure I’d make it through this winding journey without you. Thank you.

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9 comments

  1. you are doing good, taking the days as they come and that’s all you can do. this one is going to stay, that lovenox is going to stick that fetus right to you uterus damnit! when will they do an ultrasound?


  2. I second Katery’s comment, and am also anxious to know when your next u/s is.

    Have you considered having your beta/progesterone levels checked? This may give you the peace of mind you’re looking for? On the other side of the coin, I know you must be frightened to know the levels.

    Don’t worry about repeating yourself. Get it all out. It really helps to purge the feelings in writing. We’re here for you, no matter what!


  3. Thanks Meg and Katery, your belief in this pregnancy means so much. Meg, I did consider it but decided against. While good results would comfort me, the wait is so horrible for those results I couldn’t bear to do it again. It still makes me shudder.


  4. I had metal mouth this time too – and for none of my other pregnancies, which were all doomed too early. I am beginning to think that there is not a normal – these symptoms come and go and come and go.

    I feel like a broken record too – it is sometimes what we do, who we are and for me it can be so frustrating.

    Good for you for being assertive at work.


  5. One day at a time. Today, you are pregnant and that is a good thing. We will handle tomorrow when it comes, and it will come. I just know it will…

    As to your syringes… When I looked into carrying my P17 ones, I was told they had to be in a checked bag. I wasnt thrilled with that, but they wouldnt let me have them in my carry on. Or my vial of drug. Nice.


  6. I’ve taken meds (and needles) on airplanes before. No one has ever questioned me at security. I’ve only taken what I needed for the flight on in terms of needles, but carried all the med part with me. I’d put one set of needles for the trip in my luggage, and one set in DH’s suitcase to be checked, just in case one bag got lost. I can’t imagine they’d have any concern with lovenox, since the needles are so small. You could try taking along a copy of the prescription or a note from your doctor? I’d think the prescription label on the packaging should be enough though.
    All your fears are totally normal. I’m impressed that you’re holding strong and not doing the bloodwork thing. I think that also helped me relax this time – two initial betas, only one progesterone result, and then a 2.5 week wait for the ultrasound. It was better than the beta hell I’d been in in my previous (lost) pregnancies.


    • Delurking to say that you are in my thoughts, and hope all continues to progress in the ever-elusive “normal” manner! I haven’t had to use injectable fertility meds (yet), but wanted to say that I have brought injectable meds for other health issues (pre-filled syringes) on-board airplanes (both domestic and international) without any issues. See the following link:
      http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/specialneeds/editorial_1374.shtm
      If traveling overseas, it might be a good idea to have a copy of the prescription with you (you may have to request this specially from your MD, as many are now electronically prescribed).


      • Thank you Kate and Corinna, I’m going to print out that link you sent me (thankyou!thankyou!) and put it with my meds. I’d hate to pay to check in if I didn’t have to.

        Corinna, thanks for delurking its always nice to hear from someone who is reading.


  7. Hey Kate,

    How did it go with the Lovenox on the plane?



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