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Fighting Fear

August 29, 2009

I’ve been calm and blase about this pregnancy until yesterday. I think it was the first lovenox injection. Lying down and enduring that painful injection (it hurts more AFTER the injection) it hit me: I’m pregnant. I don’t feel pregnant: no nausea, no tender breasts, no exhaustion of any extreme sort, my acne is gone. As someone with two losses, both in which I felt hardly any symptoms, I don’t like this common pattern. My mom never had extreme symptoms, maybe I’m lucky. Maybe its too early, I’m only 4.5 weeks, but given my background I can’t help but be afraid. I’m trying not to be afraid. I’m trying to prepare myself for a miscarriage and tell myself I’ll be okay if the worst happens but then I fight this urge because surely there is power in positive thinking? I remember Katery talking about not having symptoms in her first trimester and the ambivalent feelings of pregnancy after loss and she is in her second trimester now. So its possible. It’s possible. I want to believe this one will work. I hate my trembling hands when I check for blood when I go to the bathroom. I hate the feeling of inevitability. I know I’m taking lovenox now, the egg is theoretically fresher since I ovulated on time. . . I just can’t shake the fear.  I wish I knew what I could do to ease these worries.  I’m waiting until September 14 for an ultrasound and until then I need to figure out how to cope. I apologize in advance to anyone reading because though I will try to cope, I’m sure there will likely be other fear filled posts like this.

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15 comments

  1. keeping my fingers crossed for you! it’s okay to be scared, just don’t forget to have hope.


  2. You are SO allowed to be afraid. I wish you didn’t have to be, but given what’s happened to you, you do not need to apologize for it! Since my most recent loss, I’ve spoken to enough people who’ve endured pregnancy losses and they all said that needless anxiety during their subsequent successful pregnancies was the hardest thing to endure, the most impossible fear to rid themselves of.

    Do whatever brings you peace. See a doctor who understands where your head is – weekly ultrasounds. Meditation. Needlework. Gentle exercise. Blogging about your fears and your fear of the fear. Whatever comforts you and brings you a bit of peace. And know that you have a whole lot of people thinking of you, wishing you success and joy and a little bit of ease during this next 8 months or so!


  3. It is so hard. I still check for blood. Every time I go to the bathroom. I am not sure it will ever go away.

    I do know that symptoms come and go. All the time. And some women do not have much in the way of morning sickness. After going through what we have gone through – it is so hard. Every damn day. I hope that the lovenox gives you some peace – and yes, find a doctor that will understand what you are going through.


  4. Given your past history, it makes total sense that you are worried. As the pregnancy progresses, I’m sure that will slowly start to fade away. In the meantime, take good care of yourself, do whatever you can to relax. Peace of mind may not be possible right now, but as the weeks pass, you’ll find it, I’m sure. 🙂


  5. It is a scary time- no need to apologize for fearful posts. But you hit the nail on the head: a positive outcome IS possible!!! And why not for you this time!!!


  6. it is tooooootally possible, i still pretty much have zero symptoms and i will be 16 weeks this wednesday, we heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler about an hour ago so i know it’s till alive in there and yours is too!


  7. Oh welcome to the world of every single one of my BFFP.

    Once you’ve experienced loss a pregnancy will never be the same for you ever again. I don’t know of anyone who’s had a loss who hasn’t felt what you’re feeling when they’ve gotten knocked up.

    YOU will get through this and go on to have a absolutely gorgeous healthy baby, I agree with sprogblogger, you need to find a Dr who understands all you’ve been through who can support you every step of the way through this pregnancy.

    xxx


  8. I’m so sorry it’s going to be so tough for a while. I can’t wait for your first u/s! I hope after that you can start to enjoy your pregnancy a little more. Keepin’ my fingers crossed for you!


  9. I’m sorry you are so scared, although of course anyone can understand why. Someday this is all gonna be so worth it though! Many healthy baby wishes headed your way…


  10. The fear is so hard to fight. You are hanging in there and giving it your all, and that is all you can do.
    My sister-in-law did not have any symptoms for almost her entire pregnancy, except one day she said she felt sick, like she was going to throw up. But that was the extent of it. Now her little one is 2 years old.
    I definitely think this pregnancy is possible for you!


  11. I can just imagine the fear you must have, I felt it after each transfer, although none of mine stuck around. Infertility kicks us hard and even if we kick her back and get pregnant, she is always lurking. God Willing this time is your time. Your baby will be awesome and you will have finally beat this IF b*tch away for now.

    (Yes i am and thanks. Do let me know when you come here, would love to show u around.)


  12. Thinking of you. I know you are scared but have faith. Will pray for you and your little bean!


  13. I simply agree with everyone– your fear is totally and completely understandable- how could it not be?- And I sure do wish it were different. I hope the shots do not kick you butt too badly, and that you get reassurance soon– and I want so much for you to feel supported by your medical team.

    Thinking of you,
    warmly,
    Kate


  14. I found using ice to numb the injection site first really helped and then if I could lay down for about 10 minutes afterwards. I’m praying for you.


  15. Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you have to endure this fear. You are completely justified in being in that place. Remember you are not alone, we will walk by your side in this journey and hopefully reach a better place this time.



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