August 26, 2009

Thank you for your well wishes on my previous post. I’d be lost without you.  My coping mechanisms surprise me. I expected to panic. I feel a bit pensive but very calm. I hope this feeling remains.

I see the hematologist tomorrow to talk about Lovenox. My OBGYN already called in the ‘script. I’m scared of side effects but we’ll see what the hematologist says. Jack thinks I should get my HCG and progesterone drawn to determine the viability of this pregnancy. A part of me considers this, but a larger part shakes its head no. Waiting for those results, the lack of sleep, staring at the phone, anxious shallow breathing- it was brutal.  I don’t want to go through it again. True the results could comfort me but I dread that wait. I don’t know if I can do that wait. The OBGYN’s office asked to schedule a confirmation visit. I stalled. Confirmation visit: pee on a stick, get brochures on pregnancy, have a pelvic exam where you’re told its too soon to see a heartbeat on the u/s so come back in two weeks. No thanks. I’m already getting the meds. I’m considering scheduling a visit in three weeks when we’d find a heart beat. My goal is to stay as peaceful as possible. Any tips on how you find peace much appreciated.

I e-mailed the RE to cancel next week’s appointment. My two word response: ok. canceled. I felt taken aback. No good luck? No, that’s good news? They deal with IF day in day out so I thought they’d give a friendlier response. I never felt more like a canceled business transaction before.

The evening is drawing to a close and I glance at my pregnancy test. I’m struck by the first thought that comes to mind as I look at the two bars. Will this time be it? Have I paid enough? Am I absolved? I’m surprised by these thoughts, but this year has felt like a sort of purgatory where I sit and wonder what I did. I hope the lovenox works. I hope an earlier egg is a fresher egg. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope my penance is complete.


  1. this will be the one, the lovenox or whatever else your doctor puts you on will help this pregnancy stay viable, this is the one.

  2. I know of quite a few women for whom Lovenox was the magic bullet that allowed them to keep a pregnancy after losses. Here’s hoping it’s yours, too, sweetie. So very pleased and hopeful for you.

  3. Praying, wishing, and hoping that the lovenox works. *fingers crossed* Best wishes!

  4. Still hoping with all of my might. I love your sentiment at the end. I have the same feelings of when will I have given enough to deserve my baby? I think sometimes that I added an extra month to The Wait just to punish myself, like I wouldn’t deserve it if I got pg earlier. Like I have to earn it and by waiting that extra month I’ll feel like I deserve it. And if I try earlier, I’ll be cheating, taking the easy way out, not strong enough. Understanding how illogical this is, I am still toying with the idea of trying earlier. You need to strike while the iron is hot. Which you have done. To say I hope this is it for you would be an understatement, I really feel you do deserve this, more than most. I wish it was just a matter of ‘deserve.’

  5. I am praying that this will be IT for you! I hope these meds will do the trick. Good luck. You will be in my thoughts. *sticky baby dust*


  6. You are my hero. So many parts of me at different times wanted no early monitoring and just to come back at a much later date. As for staying peaceful – do whatever you need to do in order to attain that. I have tried walking, meditation and just talking to my sister.

    I am hoping that this is it – you have paid enough.

  7. You are in my thoughts & prayers.


  8. You are such a strong woman! I admire your courage so much. May the Lovenox be just the thing you need this time, and may that darn pee stick keep its promise!
    As always, thinking of you and sending you love! You definitely deserve this pregnancy to be healthy.

  9. We’re all hoping, wishing, praying for you . . .

  10. My fingers are crossed!


  11. I, too, am putting all my hope and faith in Lovenox. (Although for different reasons.) Hoping and praying that it is the magic ticket for both of us. Hang in there honey.

  12. I will be hoping and wishing that everything will work out! Your last paragraph really moved me. All the best to you!


  13. I’m sorry I’m just seeing the news…I was on vacation on last week, and other stuff going on that I will hopefully be blogging about later today.

    I’m hoping and hoping and hoping for you. Know that I’m thinking of you and wishing the best for you and your family.


  14. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I was coming over to say congrats on your positive…and I read your post. Hang in there sweetie…I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now…but I can guess it’s a mix of excitement and worry. My thoughts are with you and your DH…and hoping you can enjoy the next 40 weeks.

  15. sweet Kate, how can I not send congratulations???
    I will try to rein it in, but really now, my heart is bursting with hope for you–



  16. Hoping so, so, so very much for you. I just sat here and read all of your posts on this page and its only 4am here in Cairo. I am so happy I refound you today. xoxoxoxo

  17. Oh Kate, I am hoping too… I’m surprised your REs office didnt want you to come in for bloodwork, etc. They just canceled your appt and didnt say squat? It seems so… I dont know… I have no words.

    Fingers crossed and lots of hope!!!

  18. like you, in my 3rd pregnancy (after two consecutive MCs) I chose to skip that confirmation appt and asked to come in closer to the week when we’d be able to see a heartbeat. they accomodated me. I didn’t go in till I was 6 weeks 2 days pregnant and man that appt was huge. I enjoyed waiting those two weeks in ingnorant bliss rather than fretting over HCG numbers and the like.

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