It lies under the surface

August 26, 2009

4am today Jack shook me awake. You were yelling Why?! over and over again, he said with a bewildered expression.  I have no recollection but Jack told me I’ve been having outbursts like this the past few weeks.

I thought I’ve been dealing with my second loss better. I don’t cry daily. I don’t sit and fixate on what happened. I felt relieved that somehow I’d manage to hurt less this go around. Today as I made an appointment I turned a page in my agenda and bug’s u/s picture drifted out and landed in my lap. It’s been a month since I lost bug.  Her presence in my womb while my numbers tanked shocked my doctors, but there it was, a fact I will never forget: My bug was a fighter. She wanted so badly to survive. For the time she lived, she beat the odds.

I keep telling myself not to mourn this loss. Missing bug makes me feel I’m missing a mirage. But apparently subconsciously I am missing bug like crazy. I’ve wondered for some time why I showed my mom the u/s pics when she visited me after my loss. She saw it and burst into tears and kissed the picture holding it close to her chest. I felt a weird sense of relief. Now I think I know why. I think its because I wanted someone else to care. If someone else cared, bug was real, bug mattered.

Today at my hematology appointment the doctor said how far along were you when you lost your two children, I’m sorry, I meant, your babies? I felt like someone jolted me. It took all I had to not to bite my lip from crying, not of sadness necessarily but relief. He got it. He didn’t try to negate my pain with neutral words such as “losses or incidents”. He called them my babies. No one IRL ever called them that before.

Long story short, the hematologist ordered THIRTY different labs on me. He said the current results don’t indicate there is a medical need for lovenox so wanted further testing. The results come back in two weeks. As I was leaving the med tech who drew my blood approached me. Listen, he said, I read your chart. What’s happened to you is horrible. I really hope that whatever is wrong we here will find out and fix it for you.

I’ve been so busy trying to move forward I haven’t really looked back. Yes I’m jolted by grief from time to time but I try not to look at it too deeply. I run, or put on music, or turn on the TV. I’ve learned something today: you can run from the past but it catches up to you, releasing from you like the steam from a volcano. What you hold in will either come out or destroy you from the inside. I’m grateful for being the P word again, and despite the past I remain hopeful and grateful for the opportunity to try again. Still, I will never forget who I lost, and today on this one month anniversary I’m allowing myself a moment to grieve my little fighter.


  1. you give yourself as much time as you need. i’m glad you had such a great doctor and med tech today.

  2. Man that brought tears to my eyes girl. How wonderful RL people acknowledged your losses, I have always found that comforting somehow too. Thanks for saying hi today, delurk more often k? ICLW

  3. Your hematologist sounds wonderful. And I tried to leave a message earlier and I don’t think it went through. You said you didn’t want congratulations yet, and that’s fine. Just know that I am so very happy that things are looking this good thus far, and that I’m thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but good things for the next, oh, say, 8 months or so.

  4. I am so praying for you that this is it for you. Your doctor sounds wonderful and I hope they get answers for you. Your post made my cry, I can’t imagine what you must have been through. It’s not fair. Will email soon. Hugs.

  5. I’m sorry you are grieving, but it is okay to grieve, and I think you really need to. I’m really glad you found some compassionate people to help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  6. Just to have the specialists working for you acknowledge that what you’ve been through is awful and to express their desire to help you is a wonderful thing. I am so rooting for you and hoping this one is it!
    And I think you will find ways to grieve your bug. It may not be all at once, and it may be months or years from now. I know my grief didn’t come right away like I expected it to. I guess I was too busy trying to be strong for myself so I could move on, and it sounds like you are, too.

  7. I am so very sorry for the loss of your two babies. It is heartbreaking. I am thankful that you have such thoughtful, caring medical professionals in your life.


  8. I am so thankful for your sympathetic (empathetic?) doctors.

    And you’re right – it always catches up to you.

  9. Wow, I’m so glad that your doctor was able to use the right words and give you the validation and empathy that you deserve. By recognizing your first two babies, he validated this baby too.

    While I respect that you’re hesitant to receive congratulations just yet, know that I’m thinking good thoughts for this pregnancy. You’re doing an amazing thing, holding off on hcg testing (and the waiting-induced stress) and trying to remain as calm as you can.


  10. Honey, they are your babies and missing them is normal. Dont take that away from yourself. IRL, I think people are so hung up over loss and not being able to deal with it that they toss miscarriages aside as though they arent important… But those are babies and those who lose them are mothers and fathers who are grieving. I am glad that you met with some compassion on your journey today. It gives me hope in the human race…

  11. poignant post…and i’m thinking of you with your new little one. did your doc decide your course of action for now or are you just going to wait until the labs come back? if you’re waiting for the labs, how are you feeling?

    i’ve missed reading your posts and am happy to be back in the loop soon as i’m back from my vacation tomorrow evening!

    take good care, lilly

  12. I’m thankful for all the people in your life who validate your loss of your babies. The image of your mom kissing and hugging the u/s picture brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful and heartbreaking.

    I am so sorry for the loss of you babies.


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