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12dpo and negative pregnancy tests

August 24, 2009

We’re back from my in-laws. I spent the majority of the time curled up on a sofa reading books, or napping but I can’t complain because I did not bleed. Speaking of signs, my glorious signs hinting at possible pregnancy, they’re gone save the occasional needing to go to the bathroom at night. I took a pregnancy test today, 12dpo, negative. I’m telling myself its still early, that I woke up to pee twice last night and took this test an hour after my last bathroom visit, that I usually test way later for a positive,Ā  so perhaps it means nothing, but- seeing the stark blankness where I twice before saw a dark line does wonders in bringing down my mood. I had spotting last Tues/Wedns, shouldn’t the HCG be detectable now?Ā  I will re-test Wednesday, the day my period is due, but I can’t help but wonder what would change in a matter of just a few days.

Friday as we drove to South Carolina, we stopped for dinner. Having eaten too much we decided to take a walk in the little plaza so we didn’t feel queasy driving the two remaining hours. The Kohls looked bright and inviting so we stepped into the cool air conditioning and walked around. Just as we were about to leave I stopped in my tracks. The picture frame aisle. Rows of beaded frames with red stickers announcing markdowns and then, one frame, round and yellow, a huge sunflower frame. It transported me back to the field of dead sunflowers, and that one that remained alive and vibrant. My sunflower hope. I went to the register and told Jack when our baby is born, the first picture is going in this frame.

Seeing a negative makes you feel silly for such spontaneous acts of hope. Its the very definition of a burst balloon. The negative is a snide laugh ringing in my head whispering hurtful words you really thought you were? how dumb are you? We all feel sad when we see a negative, but the other feeling, of shame to have dared dreamed, of helplessness that nothing, not even EWCM and perfect timing guaruntees anything, those feelings sting at a baser level.

I will test again Wednesday and I will try to tell myself its okay if I’m not pregnant. It’s just tough to self-pep when you just felt so fucking sure.

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13 comments

  1. Here from ICLW…

    Hooray for not bleeding! As someone with a history of luteal phase defect, not bleeding at 12DPO is a triumph.

    Maybe this means the in-law jinx is broken!

    Fingers crossed for a late BFP.


  2. I hate the 2WW, it truly makes us all crazy. Hang in there, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.


  3. Yay for still being in the 2ww – as horrible as waiting for the answer either way is, I’m glad you are still waiting.

    I have read through some of your past entries and I have to say that I can totally relate on a lot of things. Once you enter the world of TTC … and you pass the stage of “oh we’ll just have sex and it’ll happen” frame of mind … and realize what a science and how so many things have to come together just to get that baby started, and THEN have to make it through the first 12 weeks where m/c rates drop dramatically … it makes you crazy… and for those people where it “just happens” it’s like… a constant war between, wanting to warn them to save them possible heartbreak, and wishing you could still be that carefree about it. Fact is we would never push our fears onto someone else, once you have a miscarriage, being carefree is impossible…

    I hope that your sunflower is filled VERY soon šŸ™‚

    ((HUGS)) & Happy ICLW


  4. Hello! I ran across your blog as a link from another friends blog who is going through IVF. I read your posts and feel as if you are reading my personal thoughts!! I am almost on the exact time frame as you – my period is due on Thursday. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative which makes me very frustrated. I’ve had two miscarriages myself and I was really hoping that this one would be the one as I also seem to have symptoms of pregnancy. Good luck with your journey and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s nice to know that others are in the same boat.


  5. Today must be the day of negatives for those of us testing this week!

    Hooray for no blood at the site of the in-laws!

    12 dpo with only an hour to build hcg in the urine is not a conclusive negative in my book. If you’re still getting up to pee, and not bleeding, there’s still hope (bitch that she is).


  6. Hello! I’ve been following your blog through another blogs’ blog (I have no idea how I got here actually šŸ˜‰ but thank you for sharing so candidly on here – it is always comforting to hear of stories of women in the same boat(unfortunately, i wish none of us were on here)

    I was a wuss this weekend and ducked out on the monthly in-laws’ dinner. Totally chickened out – I just couldn’t deal with the ‘looks’ and trying to make normal chit chat. Unfortunately we will be at a family wedding this weekend so so much for the ‘break’ from the in-laws! stay strong šŸ˜‰ hope this is it for you!


  7. Bummer. Hopefully things will turn around in a couple days – it is still early. Love the sunflower frame idea, it’s nice to have a reminder of the goal. I still can’t do it though – buy things that suggest a presumption of success. I am such a pessimist, I just assume things won’t work out and then it’ll just be mad at myself for hoping (similar to your experience with pee sticks). I have much to learn from your sunflower hope.


  8. I found you thru Blogger Bingo and as I browsed through some of your old posts I saw several about cupcakes. Just wanted to say “Hi” from one cupcake lover to another!

    Also, I wish that the test was wrong and maybe you’ll get some good news in a few days’ time.


  9. yay for no bleeding!!! fingers crossed still!


  10. Oh I know how this goes. The anxious hope, the stab in your heart when you get a BFN, but the knot in your stomach of last hope that burns on, that maybe just maybe…. I really hope you get to put a photo in that sunflower frame in 9 months!


  11. well, a lot can happen in two days! those number double every 48 hours so you never know!


  12. It is still early – my sister did not get a bfp on her first, healthy pregnancy until 14dpo. I am keeping it crossed for you.


  13. Thanks all for your encouragement and the reminder that it could still happen despite a negative at 12dpo. Thanks it helped me feel better šŸ˜‰



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