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Kate the Cynic

August 21, 2009

Just now as I perused my google reader I saw a post by a blogger I follow. In huge caps and pictures of the smiling couple with their HPT: WE’RE PREGNANT! The post followed with praises to God and relief at finally having made it to the promised land of pregnancy. No fears mentioned.  A certainty that the months would pass and that there would be a baby to show for it. I cringed because I remembered my own first pregnancy. That giddy high of finally. I wanted to warn her just because you’re pregnant does not mean you’re home free. Don’t let yourself get too high because it hurts harder when you fall. Ofcourse I won’t say anything of the kind. I pray she never knows this ache and I pray she sees a beautiful child at the end of her gestation. I just felt thrown off by this gut reaction as though its normal to have a miscarriage. As though its more normal to live in fear while pregnant. It’s not normal, everyone should enjoy and celebrate their pregnancies. I’m sad that I’ve become such a cynic.

8dpo. No more spotting. Last night I woke up twice to pee. I’m super hopeful. I’m sure its nothing. I bought a pack of  pregnancy tests but I’m scared to test. I’m scared to see a negative and we’re seeing the in-laws this weekend and I don’t want to freak out if its a positive. Besides, its too soon right now for a reliable result, right?

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24 comments

  1. Yeah, too soon for a reliable result, but OH, it sounds good. I’ll be stalking your blog over the next few days, hoping you testtesttest because I am an addict and want everyone else to be one too.

    And I know what you mean about the “miscarriage as normal” thing. It’s hard to be around people who can take it for granted that a positive HPT = baby. You don’t want to burst their bubble, but you also have so little to contribute to the exulting conversation that I tend to just smile and nod a lot, like I’m so happy I don’t have the words.

    Hoping this is your month, sweetie. My fingers shall remain crossed until you show us your positive HPT. At which point I’ll start dreaming up perfect names for your little one, because I call myself a cynic? But underneath it all, I’m convinced that we’re all getting a miracle. I hope it’s your turn right now.


  2. I get so angry about things like this too. Not angry at the person but angry at my situation. It fuels the fire. About the person the worst thought I usually have is “how stupid/insensitive.” I told a new-mom friend of mine the other day, who was trying to reassure me that my situation would come out fine, how very different corners we were in. How, having gone through a perfect conception/pregnacy she probably couldn’t envision it not working out so easily for everyone. And I said from where I sit, it’s hard to imagine ever even getting to that first positive and getting through the beta gauntlet, seeing the heartbeat…every step seems impossible to achieve, let alone having them all fall into place. It’s not normal if you look at averages, but it’s perfectly normal for this IF population. I think the fact that we’re staying sane at all speaks volumes.


  3. the miscarriage thing is normal for US, but not people who haven’t been through the ringer like we have. it was hard for me to hear that people were getting pregnant when we were trying, even other infertility bloggers, i know, it’s stupid, i was happy for them too, but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t just a little jealous every time someone else got a positive.


  4. I feel that way, too. I find it so hard to just swallow my feelings and try to be happy, but it is hard. Especially when I feel like yelling “I know you want to hope for the best but IT DOESNT ALWAYS END WELL!” I wish I could be ignorant again…


  5. Something I always try to convince myself is that you can’t depend on a result until about 10 dpo, *sometimes* 9 dpo.

    My cousin’s wife gets pg like it’s falling off a log. She announced #3 on FB practically before the pee stick was dry. I resented and envied her at the same time.

    Fingers will be crossed, and I’ll be reading!


  6. I know what you mean. I feel like my past losses have completely taken away any joy for pregnancy. It would be so wonderful to go back to the naive days when we peed on a stick, saw the two lines and started dreaming up color schemes for a nursery. *sigh* Those were the good ‘ole days.


  7. Just another reason why IF suckeths. I am sorry for you loss. {{HUGS}} I think that this is a normal feeling- and if I was the person you followed, I would understand. There is a fine fault line between you and the IF blogger friend that has jumped to the other side. It just is. You can be happy for them, but that “something” is always there. Whether it is jealously, regret, pain from a loss, apathy, anger, etc…it exists simply because our fertility dynamics are different from the ‘general population’ of non-IFers. It just is.

    I embrace it. recognize it. accept it.

    I still love. I still try and hope for the best…but deep down know it can be snatched away- for all of us it has been from the beginning.
    Phew. Sorry for the length of this.


  8. um, also sorry for the horrific grammar. I didn’t proof read.


  9. I feel the same. The first time I was pregnant, even though my head knew the “1 in 4” statistic, my heart was oblivious. Pregnancy two was just day-to-day, constant fear until week 16, when we both let ourselves relax. I lost the baby at 18 weeks and now I know that if I ever get pregnant again, I won’t believe that I’m not going to miscarry until I have a live, breathing, healthy, full-term child in my arms.


  10. uggghhh. i just wrote a post similar to this. a dear friend got pregnant the first month that she tried. how fun would that be to not have to wait 3 yrs and have every infertility test/proceedure possible, 5 iui’s, 2 ivf’s and just be pregnant? how fun to be able to enjoy it and not worry of m/c? i’m 14 weeks and still feel weird saying “i’m pregnant.” and i had a fit last night when dh said his mother and sister were bringing over gifts for the baby from vacation today. “what?! why?!” i yelled, b/c it’s too soon and that freaks me out.

    anyway, good luck when you do poas!

    ICLW


  11. I just posted about how my u/s tech reminded me that the only women who enjoy their pregnancies are dumb – not in the low intelligence kind of way – but in the way that does not know about miscarriage, that have no idea that it could happen to them. My first pregnancy – four pregnancies ago – was the very best as far as joy and happiness and HPT certainly = baby.

    I am an hpt addict/freak. I hope you bought the FRER – during one of my pregnancies it gave a positive when my hcg was 6.5 that morning. 8dpo is really too early – I know how tempting it is though.

    I am hoping for you.


  12. I so hear you on this issue! With my 1st pregnancy, I also shouted it from the roof tops & told anyone & everyone. It hurt like hell when I miscarried & had to retract the happy news! By pregnancy no. 6 I learned to keep my news to myself. Its awful that our innocence gets stolen & instead of being a happy time pregnancy lands up being fraught with anxiety for women like us!
    All the best!
    ICLW


  13. your reaction totally makes sense!


  14. Finger crossed, Kate! Even though getting pregnant is no guarantee of making it, it’s still half way to the goal line.

    Is 8dpo too early to test? Well, yes, but, I’m doing it anyway. I’m telling G that I’m just testing to see when the Ovidrel leaves my system (it has) so I’ll know when the result is real. But, really, I’m just completely addicted to HPT’s. I get the Dollar Store ones for feeding the compulsion, then get a couple pretty ones for the “real results.” It’s quite pathetic, really.

    I just realized, we’re on the same schedule! I’m also 8dpo.


  15. i totally get what you mean -a formerly positive person,i have become cynical lately .. or rather more cautious.. that may be a better way to look at it. ops! there i go being positive again..

    speaking of positive. test so we can see you and your smiling husband in our blog readers! or at least a photo of your test. fingers crossed!


  16. Infertility changes your reactions to everything, doesn’t it? It is too soon, but keep reminding yourself to try and let the hope defeat the fear (so long as it’s tempered with reality). It’s starting to work for me (uhm, sometimes).
    ICLW


  17. I wrote a post about normal pregnancies and how I’ll never have one.

    It is the women who get their BFP, start buying baby things from the word go and tell EVERYONE they know as soon as possible without a care in the world.

    Those are the type of women I envy, the ones who find out they’re pregnant and they don’t have a care in the world, I’ll never know that feeling.

    Good luck for testing btw, keeping everything crossed for you…

    ICLW


  18. Good Luck for the 2ww.

    It really is surprising how the earth cracks open at its seams with regards to pregnancy in IFers and normal people. Normal people treat it like an extended bout of glowy skin…Good while it lasts, and the other half are thankful for every single day….wanting to be like that, next day as well. The insecurity that goes in huge!

    All the best to you!

    ICLW


  19. Ugh, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had to stop reading a friend’s blog because it’s all about her new (first) pregnancy and how they’re already buying clothes and nursery items. They’re not even out of the first trimester!

    And I’ve never even been pregnant! I haven’t had a chance to lose anything and I know too well what can happen. It’s just not fair and it sucks.

    ICLW
    http://www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com


  20. Once you hit 8 DPO, it’s like the crazies come out in you. Or at least in me.

    I wish you patience and ease as you finish up this TWW. Annnnnnnd, a positive at the end. 🙂

    ICLW


  21. Hey Kate,

    Upto two weeks after prog? I did not know that.

    I have been on Duphaston before (esp after my IUIs), and I always bled through within 2-3 days of finishing the course.

    This one is turning into a circus.


  22. I know the cynical feeling. Whenever people I hardly know (in RL) announce before 10 or 12 weeks I feel like telling them to be careful who they tell or they could be forced to tell everyone bad news a little while later.

    Lots and lots of luck to you! I hate seeing those negative tests too – I hope you don’t have to see another one!


  23. I agree, it’s weird to see people being so confident about things based on a pee stick. Show me a baby in my arms, and I’ll show you confident. 🙂


  24. Given where you’ve been, that seems like a completely normal, understandable reaction. (((HUGS))) for all you’ve been through.

    ICLW



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