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Thoughts from the hamster wheel

August 13, 2009

Have you ever had a moment of clarity where suddenly you are looking at the world, the same world you saw yesterday and the day before, but suddenly its as though you are truly noticing everything for the first time? Last night, after we discussed extensively about whether to go for it or not, we decided to go for it and take our chances. This morning I woke up and it hit me, I’m going to have to two week wait again. I started thinking of all the cycles since January 2008. Check for CM, try, wait, spend $$ on tests, get period. Start over. I suddenly felt like a hamster running on a wheel. It’s like going on dates and then never getting a call back month after month of meeting new guys, and then you meet two guys back to back who say they love you, give you a diamond ring and promise to make you their girl forever and then each time they ditch you at the alter.

The thought of getting pregnant, then waiting for betas, waiting for ultrasounds, panicking over lack of symptoms, wondering if I’m miscarrying, though right now I think I could handle it, I’m just worried about myself. I’m almost at two years of trying to conceive without success. This entire year is a series of pregnancies and losses. Next pregnancy I will be high risk pregnancy. It will be more stressful it will take a greater toll. A possible loss will hurt more. The mere thought of doing a Clomid cycle, of weighing pros and cons, makes me want to curl up in bed and take a nap.

All these thoughts make me wonder if perhaps I need to jump off the treadmill for at least one month. I’d like to think I still appreciate the rest of my life, but many days it feels like background music and all I see is this obstacle, this hurdle I must climb, this race I need to finish. But the background music is my life. Perhaps its time for a time-out to tend to my other gardens. I’m not saying I’m going to stop moving forward because I’m not sure its possible for me to take a time out, but I’m trying to think things through. I’m trying to use my heart and head though my heart is pretty clear what it wants.

I thought of these things as I stood over my simmering marinara sauce for dinner and then- I felt a twinge. I frowned until I realized what that sensation was. My ovaries. Perhaps all that I have talked about is a moot point. Perhaps the powers that be are cooking in my body as we speak. If so I will no doubt be overjoyed, but so hesitant, so hesitant because now I fully get it, I need to protect me. I’ve been, but no longer should, underestimate how important it is to take care of me and not lose myself in this overwhelming process of cycling, and trying again and again.

How do you balance it all?

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4 comments

  1. This is the struggle… How to balance life with creating life. How to balance the present and the future. How to balance self preservation with pursuing your goals. I don’t exactly have an answer, but can understand your struggle.

    After five miscarriages I can tell you this. It gets harder, not easier. I have never been unfortunate enough to have two back to back, but only because I’ve never been fortunate enough to get pregnant again right after a miscarriage. In the beginning (i.e. the years pre-RE) I did try again right away a few times. But, I found that taking a couple of months off this time was definitely a benefit. I know how badly you want to move forward and how much taking rest cycles feel like backward progress. I know that back and forth of “let’s go for it” but “what it we succeed.” I felt that when I was “resting” but now, I’m glad I did it.


  2. I don’t know what you are going through, but I admire your strength, and appreciate the insight that you have shared while going through all of this. Life is a journey, and yours hasn’t been an easy one. I hope you can find that balance.


  3. it took me almost two years to get pregnant, we started in september of ’07. next time you get pregnant you will have the proper care for your condition and it will stick, you will get that baby!


  4. I dont know that you can really have a balance. It does take so much out of you. My husband repeats “one day at a time” and I try to follow that. I dont know if I will even have tomorrow, so I’d better make today count. In light of that, when TTC, I try to make sure that I dont neglect the other things (even if I want to or have to modify them) and when pregnant, I just enjoy the day I have. I have lost too many babies to miscarriage and infant loss to focus on what might happen anymore than I have to… I just have to be grateful for the blessing of that one second… That one day…



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