Battling my deepest fear and desire

August 12, 2009

Thank you guys so much for your feedback on my last post. I really did not make the connection between my exhaustion and the fact that I’ve suffered two miscarriages, one just two weeks earlier. It seems obvious now that you’ve mentioned it but until then I really didn’t understand. I felt determined to find out the hormonal root of the issue when the truth is, I’ve been pregnant or suffering from a miscarriage this entire year . . . something’s got to give I suppose.

Speaking of pregnancy, I know I said in previous posts that I didn’t want to wait for my cycle to begin TTC again. We BD’d every day this week save yesterday due to back pain on my part, but today I awoke to discover EWCM. I know for many this is very ho hum sort of news but for me, this is perhaps the fourth time I’ve ever seen it in my life. The lovely sort, the sort that could be photographed for a textbook definition of EWCM. I don’t know if its real EWCM or if its my body misfiring post-pregnancy as it resets itself but its EWCM and its glorious.

I saw the EWCM and at first I was practically giddy with joy. I sat impatiently at work waiting to get home. And yet, as we drove home together the previous post began gnawing at me. I am so tired. If this is a manifestation of my physical and mental state due to the losses I’ve experienced then am I ready to try again so soon even though to my core I feel I am ready?  I mentioned to Jack that I seem to be ovulating and he felt mixed about it. I’m scared about your mental well being. I want you to enjoy your pregnancy. I had to laugh a little. Whether its this cycle or ten cycles from now I’m never going to enjoy my first trimester ever again. That innocence is gone. I know I will most likely be able to talk Jack into it if I assure him I’m confident but I’m sort of scared too. This would be an egg early in the cycle so it won’t be a “late egg” that some attribute to early miscarriage, and I’ll get lovenox upon a positive test. Two variables different from before. But. . . But . . . But . . .

I want a baby. I don’t want a miscarriage. I’m ovulating tonight. I never ever ovulate this early and with so much EWCM. I’m most fertile post-miscarriage so why not take advantage. What if things go wrong again and I blame myself for trying to soon. All these thoughts run through my head. I wish I knew the right answer. It could be that its too late and I’ve already conceived since we BD’d the day before yesterday and maybe . . . or maybe despite EWCM and all the perfect circumstances I won’t conceive… so many variables at play but all I know is this EWCM feels more precious than yellow diamonds and pint sized ocean pearls. It feels painful to think of letting it go to naught.


  1. I say go for it. What you say is true – whether this cycle or 10 cycles from now, that first trimester innocence is probably gone – another casualty of miscarraige & IF. A baby, on the other hand, would be worth every bit of grief and anguish and fear. And it sure sounds like you’ve got a good chance at it.

    Go. For. It.

    And enjoy the EWCM night, regardless. Remember when sex was simply FUN?

    *sigh* The good old days…

  2. I say go for it, too. I don’t think I could pass up some great EWCM, either!

  3. One of the things my husband used to say was “let’s have sex because we want to, because we want to be intimate together, and hope for the best, but not have sex JUST to get pregnant.” Enjoy this time with your hubs. If things end in pregnancy, great, but if they dont, as hard as it is, take solace in your intimacy together. In our long TTC journey that intimacy saved us many a day.

    I know what you mean about lost innocence. It sucks.

  4. I’d go for it too. The EWCM makes sex much more fun (just like the preseed does). And having good amounts of the great stuff should mean that the hormonal environment is full of estrogen, which ought to mean a strong egg, I’d think. I had fantastic EWCM immediately after my first m/c, but DH was in India on a business trip right when I had it, so we weren’t able to try.
    Hope it all works out and you get your little girl very soon.

  5. Thanks all for your encouragement. Again I’m surprised because I’ve been feeling guilty for having tried. My doctor told me in no murky or unclear way that I MUST NOT TTC before I get my next cycle. I know she’ll be upset with me but I can’t figure out why its wrong…. I mean, we have to do an u/s to date the pregnancy anyways since I have irregular periods. . . is there harm to the fetus? I don’t get it.

  6. If you have those kinds of questions (from your reply above) I think you may want to have a talk with your doctor. I go to every doctor appointment, whatever it is for, with a list of questions written down on paper. I don’t care if I’m annoying. My OB is great about sitting with me and letting me go through my list. That is what you are paying them for. But jeez, don’t feel guilty. You have been through enough to let guilt even have a role in it. None of this is your “fault” and if you want to have sex, go ahead, and if your body decides to make a baby, that’s great! Like Sprogblogger said, you will still have the same concerns whether it happens now or a year from now.

  7. I SO feel you right now. I said in my post I was going to wait until Nov….but who knows. My oncologist was just as happy with the idea of October….and I’m tempted to toss the protection now ’cause clearly, it’s fine for me to get knocked up according to the doctor. I’ve waited long enough. I think I can hold out until after my dentist appointment but after that all bets are off. I don’t think the MTX in the tissue for six months is really going to make me wait. First of all, the dr. didn’t really think it was true. Secondly, i don’t think it’s that dangerous if its just sitting in your liver. I think it’s only dangerous in full dose applied to your whole system to stop growing cells. “Lucky” for me, my DH is gone until the end of August so I have no choice. I still have some reasons to wait but if I were you, I think I would go for it. Life is precious. I want this childless chapter of my (our) lives to be as short as possible so we can move on. And the months can get soooo long.

  8. I too say go for it. I am in the miscarriage destroyed the naive joy in my first trimester and possibly the entire pregnancy camp.

    It is really hard. I am hoping for the best for you.

  9. […] Baby? A blog about infertility and the pain of miscarriage. « Battling my deepest fear and desire Thoughts from the hamster wheel August 13, 2009 Have you ever had a moment of clarity […]

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