August 11, 2009

Each morning  I feel so exhausted I doubt my ability to get out of bed, and on the weekends that ability crumbles and I find myself in bed until noon at the earliest, and even when I get up I know full well I could have slept for several hours more. During the day, I remain tired and though the amount of exhaustion ebbs and flows the common theme is a strange sort of exhaustion which affects me physically and mentally. I can’t figure it out, the hormones have surely left my body by now, why am I so tired?

I’m trying to lose weight and doing all the right things. I’m watching what I eat and working out but the scale won’t budge past 4 pounds. I’m going to continue trying. If you eat less and expend more, science tells me I must lose weight. I know have PCOS so this makes weight loss more difficult, but it shouldn’t entirely preclude weight loss.

Its been two weeks since my last miscarriage and I’ve channeled all my energy into losing weight and contemplating the steps to take for the next pregnancy. What to do when in-laws come. Lovenox versus Heparin. Timing of ovulation. I’ve been so busy trying to plan for the future perhaps hoping it will allow me to forget what happened in my recent past. But you can only run for so long and then the past, it catches up to you.

Today after days of being okay I sat watching TV and a beautiful name on television made me think I want to name my daughter that. That’s all it took. I gasped as it hit me as though anew: Yeah you’ve been pregnant twice, but what have you got to show for it? You don’t have a baby. You don’t know when you’ll have a baby. Will you ever get pregnant again? Holy shit, it hits me as though its some sort of revelation: I lost my babies. They aren’t here. They’re gone. I’m empty. I’m literally empty. I don’t know what will happen. The future is blank.

Before I met Jack I had bad luck in the guy department. When we married I remember waking up in the middle of the night sometimes in a cold sweat from a nightmare that I had dreamed it all, that I hadn’t met him, that I hadn’t married him, that I just thought I did and it was all a making of my mind. I’d wake up and see him with his head buried in the pillow and breathe a sigh of relief.

This is the opposite. My dreams are haunted by a little girl. She wears gold earrings and short black hair. She wears a blue dress with red frills. She is beautiful. I chase her around the room while she giggles and then I lift her up and kiss her. She flashes me a large toothless grin and I feel a love I cannot bear. Then I wake and its me alone in my darkened bedroom. No crib. No tiny shrieks of joy. It’s just me. No breath of relief  just a stifling of grief always waiting to carry me away.

I fight my grief, I promise you. When my friend Lucy called me today and as I told her I’m leaving my job she saidYou should just have babies and make them your life, I think that’s what you were meant to do [oh and yes she knows about my infertility, I know how to pick them it seems] I shook my head and told myself she didn’t mean it, I hung up and went on with my day. I say this to say I’m trying like fucking hell to not let my feelings own me, but sometimes like now when I’m feeling so physically tired, the emotional strain is more than I can bear. Some days like today it feels like my feet are made of bricks and heavy boulders weigh on my head.

I just want to rest. I’m so tired.


  1. I know that you dont know me but i care for me and i will pray for your womb that it may carry a child to full term and live!. I have suffered terribly from a miscarriage and regreattably to say to you an abortion….i have felt agony and long nights and haunted dreams of children…..After my miscarriage (which i took as god teaching me a lesson on having an abortion) i finally had a son who made it. So all hope is not gone. God has a way of changing things for us. Please keep your hope alive and dont give up even though you are tired. Your crying is not in vain! this is only a season…im speaking to you from the other side of despair. being called MOM is not out of the question for you.
    You still need time to grieve and i would never think to take that away from you but plz keep your job…it helps to have something take up up thinking time that you would spend depressed anyway. Work and with your husband and grieve together and heal. Pray and wait for God to answer. be blessed,

  2. Mrs. Love thanks for your comment and your words of comfort. I’m not leaving my job due to these issues, I’m leaving to pursue another opportunity, but you’re right, leaving a job to sulk is not a good idea, its good to keep your mind off of things and not become consumed with grief.

  3. Wishing a bit of peace for you, and time enough to figure out what’s next WITHOUT any helpful comments from “friends” or visits from crazy-making inlaws. And I think the exhaustion is just your body’s way of protecting you. Being exhausted gives your mind and heart a chance to heal without interference. I’ve spent most of this last year either pregnant or post-miscarriage, and the bone-numbing weariness is similar. Let yourself be tired if you can. You’ve been through a lot more than it looks like on the surface – both your heart and your body. Thinking of you.

  4. depression+stress=exhaustion. you have to give your brain time to recover from all of this too, not just your body. your brain needs lots and lots of rest right now and there is nothing wrong or unusual about that.

  5. I think that your exhaustion is totally understandable under the circumstances. Listen to your mind and body and take care of yourself. It sounds like you are doing all the right things in this arena (man the PCOS dieting blows and seems to disprove science on a regular basis — at least it does at my house). You are not alone.

  6. I second Katery’s comment. Depression causes you to experience physical exhaustion to the extreme. Have you considered talking to a therapist? I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so I understand if it’s not a route you’d like to explore.

    Ah, the dreams. The dreams! They have the ability to take us to the highest and lowest places imaginable. Never stop dreaming, Kate. Keep that dark haired little girl close to your heart. She will find you some day.

  7. Grief is exhausting. Exhausting.

    I officially completed my 4th year of trying to have babies that live. Almost a month ago, I held my sister’s newborn daughter (born after almost 7 years of trying and treatment and loss). I didn’t think I could do it, but somehow I did. And some stranger walks by me, holding this gorgeous, beloved child, and says, “Oh, what a natural mom! You have kids?” Sigh.

    It’s exhausting.

    I hope you get that little girl, and that she wears that blue dress with the red frills. It’s so hard to hope. Sometimes I think that the hoping is what hurts the most, is the most tiring.

    You’re not alone. I hope that helps just a little, and that you do find peace, even if it’s in a few hours of dreamless sleep.


  8. My second miscarriage knocked me down for a long time. I just let myself go with it. I guess it is what my body and mind needed. My husband was terribly worried about me and had second thoughts about ever trying again. But – I needed it.

    I am sorry that you are having bad dreams.

  9. I’m with everyone here– exhaustion is understandable. Trauma and stress are so incredibly depleting on so many levels Kate, try to be as gentle as you can with your wonderful self, rest when you have the opportunity.

    My default when under stress is to feel the pull of sleep, not like a suggestion, but as a command. I think it is one of the ways I cope, and it is also one of the ways I heal.

    Thinking of you and hoping that your days have moments of lightness, moment of beauty, moments of peace.


  10. If your body wants to sleep, you must need the sleep. You have been under enormous stress both physically and emotionally, and sleep is your bodies way of recharging both.

  11. Hey everyone, thanks for your kind comments and your insight. I know this will sound strange but I did not consider that this was my body’s way of trying to slow me down and shut me down so I could recharge. I’ve been trying so hard to go go go and not let this one affect me as much, I’ve been constantly smiling saying “see? I’m over it. I’m better.” But I guess there is a deep part of me somewhere that can’t be fooled by my pretenses of being okay. I must be at work today despite the sleepy yawns, but I will at least take it slow and stop BERATING myself for being so tired and lazy.

  12. Dont fight the grief… It will make it worse… I say this from experience. Let it come and wash over you and slowly, pick the pieces up and finish the day. It hurts… It isnt right… But we have to let it come to us when it comes…

    I’m sorry your friend made such a careless comment. People just dont think.

    Sending you hugs…

  13. Thanks Michele, that’s the weirdest part about it though, I didn’t think I was dealing with grief. I thought it was over it. I guess its just that even if I’m not crying all the time it doesnt mean depression or some other form of exhaustion is taking over. You’re right, I have to accept that its only been two weeks. It’s going to be hard.

  14. Not much to add to the other comments, but I agree that you need time to recharge. I hope you allow your mind and body to rest. On top of everything else, you said you made some lifestyle changes as far as dieting, so that could also be contributing to the exhaustion. So make sure you eat enough, and get some fat and protein in there too. Be kind to yourself and to your body. You deserve kindness. (Sorry about the thoughtless friend.)

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