h1

To TTC or not TTC, that is the question

August 8, 2009

The first time we tried to conceive I remember walking around with the satisfaction of knowing we’d conceived. 1 + 2 = 3 after all, right? I’ve since learned, I can’t do math.  Each month we tried and each month found me in the cold morning hours sitting on the tub staring at the HPT begging for that second line, thinking if I could will it, it would appear. It never did, not for 13 months and then on month 14 there it was, the second red line so faint but there. I miscarried ofcourse and planned for another long infertility filled road ahead, and then about 8 weeks after my miscarriage I saw the line again, darker this time, silly me thought that meant this one would stick.

My miscarriage seems over though a beta on August 13 will decide on that definitively and I noticed yesterday the beginning of what appears to be a normal cycle. And I have a confession to make. I cringe  but this blog is the one place I can be honest, so I’m going to be honest: I want to try. Now. This cycle. Getting pregnant is so hard for me that the fact that I got pregnant twice makes me want to try the party trick a third time.

Maybe its the latent addict within me. Fucking hell if those positive pregnancy tests are not the most beautiful thing that technology has ever created. I keep all my positive tests and when pregnant they lay on my table and I walk by from time to time just to marvel at the most beautiful line that ever existed. Damn I want to see that line again. Damn I really don’t want to have to wait.

I’ve done my research and it seems that doctors typically want you to wait a cycle because then they can figure out when your due date is, but with me we always have to determine via ultrasound. It seems my issue is clotting which my doctor has already set up a protocol for next time I’m pregnant, and I’ve decided that I would not try to conceive after cycle day 20 because I’ve heard that egg quality worsens upon late ovulation. Considering each time I ovulated it was past CD24 the odds of me conceiving even if I were to TTC now are slim to none because like I said, I refuse to TTC anymore on late ovulations if that means an increased risk of miscarriage.

But- what if this time I ovulated a bit earlier? What if the EWCM is glorious? Right after miscarriage 1, two weeks after my HCG went to zero I had an ontime ovulation. It felt amazing to have a normal cycle and sometimes I really regret ignoring Jack’s urging to go ahead and try. Maybe we’d have had a nice perky egg, maybe it would have made all the difference.  I don’t know. I could never be sure.

So that’s where I am right now, playing tug of war with my heart and mind. I wish there was an easy answer, a simple solution. Perhaps my PCOS and its nonovulating nature will take care of the answer for me but for now I remain the idiotic optimistic deigning to think I may ovulate and deigning to think I have any say on matters of my own conception.

Advertisements

12 comments

  1. My only spontaneous pregnancy happened immediately following a miscarriage. My own personal theory is that I think some docs. want you to wait because they worry you might end up conflicted if you get pregnant again right away. Like a rebound boyfriend is rarely a good idea? Hah. As if you get over the grief in one or three or 12 cycles, anyway.

    If it were me, and I felt the way you do – and I have and I did – I’d totally give it the old school try. Nothing to lose, everything to gain – you know?

    Wishing all sorts of perfect-perky-egg thoughts for you in the next couple of weeks.


  2. thank you for letting me know about Susan, I just logged on for a moment today– gosh darn this is so so hard.

    thank you Kate,
    truly,
    Kate


  3. i don’t think i would be able to wait, haven’t we waited long enough? i’m sure that’s not the medically correct answer but that is how i feel.


  4. I felt that way after my second miscarriage. We were doing IVF at the time and it sucked to have to go through all of that to “try” again. I always thought we were going to miss the right egg. That if we just did it sooner, that was the egg to get.

    So – I second sprogblogger (my heart is breaking for her and you and all of us who have had to deal with miscarriage)


  5. With my RE, we have been allowed to try the cycle after a m/c before 8w. After 8w, her policy is 3 months.

    You will know when you want to try again, when you are ready. Follow your heart. That is really all you can do.

    Sending hugs…


  6. My (close to useless) OBG is a staunch advocate of the 3 month wait. However, I did a lot of research on this subject after my m/c and found no compelling reason to wait IF you have (a) one period, and (b) HCG of zero after a normal decline. I of course made the mistake of not even waiting for one period and am still paying for that. So if I am unlucky enough to have a next time I will be waiting for one period. I’d say go for it.


  7. to kate im going through the same thing i lost a baby girl at 18 weeks last nov my labour was induced there was no heartbeat no 8 months on im 9 weeks but have been told my progestorone level is going down and ive begun bleeding i had 3 cycles of clomid im determined to try again


  8. Hey, to answer your questions, my OBG said that not waiting for the next cycle was a cause of our uncertainty about what the slow declining betas meant. Not a cause of the slow declining betas themselves. Her position has always been that because I didn’t wait for my HCG to hit zero (and to cycle once), we will never be sure whether the persistent HCG was caused by a molar-type pregnancy or just a slowly resolving second miscarriage. She completely ignored me (well actually she berrated me for “experimenting with my body”) when I told her I was sure my HCG had never been negative due to all the HPTs I was taking to track it.

    When I asked her why I would have miscarried a second possible pregnancy, she said “maybe it was too soon out of the blocks.” I personally think that’s crap. I’ve read the same things you have – that it’s perfectly possible to successfully conceive right off the blocks.

    My OBG did an ultrasound when she finally acknowledged that something abnormal was going on and discovered a small circular mass. She said it was either a blood clot or a second sac – she was convinced that that settled it and has hung on to the second pregnancy theory ever since. But as I blogged back in june, when my levels hit zero finally, i did pass a fairly sizeable clot…(sorry tmi)…so I still have a really hard time accepting her second m/c theory.

    Still, one thing she said that makes sense is that waiting for my HCG to hit zero would have enabled us to eliminate the second miscarriage theory altogether and that is why, if I had to make the choice again, I’d wait for one period or HCG to hit zero. But not longer than that.

    Keep in mind that the chances of what they think might have caused my slow-declining HCG are extremely slim. like 1/1000. No one at my OBGs office has ever seen anything like my case, thus the referral to the oncologist. So whatever path you choose, it’s not likely that all this confusion will happen to you either way. Still, if this experience has taught me one thing it’s that as much as I research and as well read as I think I am, I can’t conceive of ALL the possible outcomes of a situation like this. Such that sometimes, following the more cautious road might be the best idea. However, I really don’t see any reason to wait three months or any longer than one cycle. If I’m ever faced with that again I will certainly grill my OBG on it. Cause I still don’t understand it.


  9. i am so familiar with feelings like these…not wanting to wait, afraid the only chance is slipping by in the waiting time…sure that was the one month that was going to work.

    i like your idea about “regular” ovulation ttc vs. “late” ovulation ttc…in the end, you and jack get to choose whether or not to proceed or rest…and only you know how much you and your body can tolerate in any given stretch of ups and downs.

    thinking of you…l


  10. Thank you guys for all your advice. It helped me very very much because I honestly thought the advice I would get would be to wait… but it seems I’m not alone in this. I guess we’ve all done enough research to be well informed on the matter. Astrid, the three month wait, from websites I’ve read is for doctor’s who don’t want to deal with an emotionally wrecked patient, not for physical/biological reasons. That does it. Not waiting 🙂 Though I wont TTC after August 25 because I believe I’ll be past CD20 and I don’t want to try beyond that due to egg quality. Thanks soooooooo much.


  11. Kate, I don’t think you’ll find anyone in the IF blogosphere that hasn’t wrestled with this decision. How could we judge a sister for asking the same questions? Ultimately, you have to go with your gut until you get in to see your RE.


  12. Sorry, I meant to say anyone in the IF blgosphere, who has suffered a miscarriage. Obviously, those who haven’t dealt with this particular brand of hell haven’t wrestled with that decision. It’s 3:30am, maybe I should try sleeping instead of typing, huh!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: