Reflections of grief and hope for peace

August 1, 2009

I can’t sleep. This is nothing new and its getting old- fast.  My friend’s announcement (from the post below) that she’s having a boy makes me miss Speck like crazy. Like her, I too would know now the gender of my baby. I’d be coming up with baby names and trying on maternity clothes. It should be my baby’s kicks keeping me up at night, not the hollow ache of grief. Sometimes I’m so proud to have shaken the shackles of my grief, to have moved forward towards a hope filled world but just as I feel myself escaping grief’s clutches she finds me, pulling me back into her lair. Is it possible to be hopeful yet at moments filled with the sharp stabs of grief?

My HCG is 60 today. I re-test in two weeks. I’ve lost three pounds. I’ve struggled for years to drop these nagging ten pounds that will put me into my target BMI, but now post loss, I need something over which I have control, and this eating business, at least its something I can do something about. My OB-GYN theorizes once I reach my ideal BMI my PCOS will self-resolve. I’m doubtful of this theory since I know PCOSers of all shapes and sizes but at least I can get her to stop saying that.

Lillyshephard reflects on her losses on her blog and refers to her season of grief. That term says it all. I’m still in my season of grief. August is here, pushing July, my month of joy and instant loss into a firm calenderical past. I normally cringe at a new month with nothing to show for it, but this time I’m thankful for August. Perhaps it will lead me closer to my season of peace.



  1. i am so sorry you are going through all of this, it has really been too much for one person to handle. i hope you are making it through. it does seem ridiculous that ten pounds would resolve your infertility issues, but i hope that your doctor is right.

  2. Sending hugs… Big ones…

  3. I like this “season of grief” thing. It does help to compartmentalize things. Even if one’s “season” lasts over a year I suppose. I don’t live in Atlanta but i appreciate your offer to help. I’m really at a loss for what to do about my doctors. I feel so trapped. Like I shouldn’t change horses in midstream because by the time I sort out all the medical records and make all the new appointments and get referrals, insurance approvals, etc, even my own hateful OBG will have given me the green light and I won’t care so much anymore. I just don’t know how I am going to survive The Wait. Especially because the target keeps moving. And it is definitely the lack of response from my doctor that is making me the most frustrated. This is why I’ve decided to just keep calling ’til i get my questions answered. I don’t care if she thinks I’m crazy or annoying. We need to look out for ourselves. I’m glad you are with someone you like. I hadn’t thought about an RE…I didn’t know they dealt with things like this – I thought it was mostly for ART, IVF, IUI, etc. But I’ll look into it.

  4. I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope your season of peace is here soon.

  5. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. Your last loss just seemed so cruel with the ups and downs and mixed messages. Good for you using this time to reach another goal, to be healthy and fit. You’re in my thoughts.

  6. I am so very sorry for your recent loss. I have experienced 2 miscarriages myself and I think your analogy of a “season of grief” is spot on. Just like the seasons, the weather varies in our grief on a daily basis. Sometimes we’re fine, and other times we completely lose it. It’s so hard to explain this to someone who has never known that pain. I hope that your season will come to an end soon. I just discovered your blog and I think it is beautiful. Your honesty is refreshing. You have an award waiting on my blog. http://eileenburnsjin.blogspot.com/

  7. I am so very sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that you are currently stuck in the season of grief. I hope and pray you make it to your season of peace soon.

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