Archive for July, 2009


Three Months Post Miscarriage

July 12, 2009

When I miscarried I read women typically grieve hard for three months after they miscarry. At the time it felt both impossible that the pain would subside, or that I could ever try again. I remember lying on the ER table as the tech quietly informed me my uterus was empty and through my tears repeating I can’t go through this again. I can’t be here again. Just the memory of that day causes fresh tears to spring to my eyes. Today, we picked up the mail we forget to get yesterday and there on the top of the thin pile was an envelope from my insurance company. A final bill for my ER visit for my miscarriage. Gotta pay that $75 they are owed after all once insurance agreed to cover the rest ($3200). It was so strange to see this bill on the this anniversary of my miscarriage. So much has happened in three months. Today it still hurts but more like the prick of a needle rather than a sword through my gut.

Three months post-miscarriage I am pregnant again. This time its all so different. I’ve nicknamed my Baby Bug. I talk to him from time to time. But I don’t think ahead anymore. I no longer can’t wait to tell my friends at month three. They’ll know when I begin showing. I am not counting down to the end of this. I’m just accepting that all I have is now. This child is within my body so surely it senses my worries and fears. I know its morbid to consider I may miscarry again, but if I do, I will feel better knowing that while this new child grew within me it only knew calm and peace, not the strain and concern that haunted me last time. This time I’m emptying my fears from my heart and giving them Up to where they belong with the full understanding that I can only do as much a I can and the rest is up to Him.

I would have been approaching my sixth month with Speck. I would have known if Speck was a boy or a girl. I would have felt his feet kicking inside me. Though I am overjoyed to be pregnant again, I still miss my first.


Sunflower Hope

July 10, 2009

I recently went on vacation and we passed by rows and rows of sunflowers bright with their faces towards the sun. I love sunflowers and seeing the endless stretches of yellow fields made me smile. Then we came across a sunflower field that made me catch my breath.  I made Jack pull over to the side of the road so I could take a picture. It was a field of sunflowers scorched by the sun, heads downwards, leaves gone, their little bodies turning brown instead of the brilliant yellow I love. Except for one sunflower. One sunflower in a sea of thousands still alive and bright, its head up and facing the world despite the odds. When I saw this sunflower I I wrote in my journal: Wherever you look there are signs of  small miracles. This sunflower lives despite the odds against it with the scorching sun and its dead brethren. This sunflower is hope. I too can defeat the odds one day.  I don’t need to believe in a field of sunflowers, I just need one. Looking back at my journal entry and this picture gives me chills now. I wanted to share this with my IF sisters in the hope that perhaps it will inspire you too. As a beautiful commenter said in my last post: Hope must be stronger than fear.


Pregnancy post-miscarriage: thoughts on shell building

July 10, 2009

Jack came home today and hugged me as he always does and said, how are my babies doing? Then he looked down with an expression he makes when resisting a second helping of cookies. What is it? I asked. Nothing, he said shaking his head, I want to talk to it. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to get too attached.

This time around I’ve created a lot of mechanisms to protect myself so I hopefully don’t fall quite as hard if I miscarry. It might sound morbid to consider this pregnancy may end that way, but I have to acknowledge that as one of the possibilities. To protect myself I told myself I’m not going to do constant research, and your baby this week stuff. I’m going to accept that I can only control what I can. Constant worry doesn’t help. I’m going to insist on regular beta testing self advocate like I did not last time. But- the whole not talking to it, not considering it a baby, that makes me sort of sad.

I realize that Speck was not a full fledged person yet. He was still growing. But I’m glad I loved him and spoke to him and send good vibes of love towards him. However small, and however short his life was on this earth, he was not insignificant to me. I loved him and I am glad that he was loved.

I’ve been told not to nickname or talk to this new being growing inside because it hurts more if things go wrong. But love is a double edged sword. One side beauty and goodness  and one side pain that can cut like a samurai sword through your soul. To love is to embrace this double edged sword. Despite the intellectual steps I can take to make sure I don’t fall and hit the pavement like I did with Speck, if I miscarry, it will hurt.

Despite the hurt, I don’t regret loving Speck.  Likewise, this new being growing within me shares a bond with me, and though its presence is only known in the bathroom breaks and the sleepiness that hits at 9pm,  I know that if I am lucky enough to see a viable baby in my womb through an ultrasound I will fall head over heels in love again and I will want it and dream for it like I did before. Regardless of outcome, I don’t think I will regret that. I don’t regret loving Speck. I still love him, and miss him.  He still matters and in my opinion, he should.


It’s blurry but there. Wow.

July 9, 2009



Those Two Pink Lines. Sinking In.

July 9, 2009

So I saw those two pink lines and I laughed and smiled and felt the emotions one feels, but I think it really hit me about an hour ago when I woke up at 2:30am to pee.  I came back to bed and Jack whispered, did you pee? I whispered yes and he leaned over and kissed me. Since then I’ve tossed and turned unable to sleep as it fully hit me, this might be really happening. I have two lines.

How is it biologically possible, I keep wondering. I had EWCM on June 16,  CD35. We had sex 2-3 days before that, and maybe a week after that. At no point in the CD30 onwards did I actually think doing the deed would lead to a child because I didn’t think it could happen so late in my cycle. Hell, I’m on CD 60 right now! I skipped a cycle and got pregnant? Can that happen? Huh?

I’m not sure why I can’t sleep. I think I’m excited. Happy. Nervous. And okay, I admit it: SCARED. I have NO clue how far along I am since I dont know when I conceived but why don’t I have any major signs? Give me nausea and every other symptom in the book if it means this pregnancy will be viable.  Today I cramped and turned pale wondering if blood was coming. Praying and meditating has helped center me better and I hope they will tide me over these next three months because as any of you who have tried for so long and miscarried know, your innocence is gone once you’ve had a miscarriage. You know the other foot can drop and the key then is to figure out how to spend your time without the constant fear and worry of when it will. So far I was doing okay but for the inability to sleep at the moment. I’m resisting any urge to research or read pregnancy books. I’m trying to repeat a mantra, that what is meant to be will and I have no control and therefore worrying won’t help anything. But- Please Please Please God, give me a happy healthy child at the end of this.


Thank You

July 9, 2009

I first want to say that reading your comments brought tears to my eyes. We are all struggling through infertility and though I do not know any of you in my daily life, I feel like I know you all quite well because you have felt my pain and known my sorrows personally yourselves. Thank you for your well wishes. Your comments mean the world to me.


Umm. Oh my God.

July 8, 2009

So I’m on day 600 of no period (give or take a few) and was sitting to blog about the frustration of no period going on two months. I was ready to call my doctor. She gave me progesterone and I still had not gotten a period. What’s up with that? A week ago I thought I was about to get it because I had a spot of blood but then nothing. I was trying to keep my vow of no more preggo tests but I went grocery shopping and picked up one up and umm . . .

It’s positive.

Two lines.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I called the doctor because I’m afraid, does progesterone cause false positives? I don’t know. The line is DARKER than the control line.

Um. Um. Um.

I’m waiting for my doctor to call me back. The wait is excruciating.

If you are one of the three people who read this that know me in real life please pretend at the moment that you do not know me.  Jack made me promise never to again tell so soon about my pregnancy and though if you read and know me you this is kind of weird, just please don’t mention it to me until I’m ready to mention it to you.

Besides, right now I’m not even sure if I’m really pregnant.

CALL doctor. Call!

*Update* The nurse called and said the progesterone does not cause false positives and that I am in fact pregnant. I’m scheduled to go in next Thursday to confirm and I just had to fight to get the nurse to ask the doctor to call in an order of progesterone for me. She was like we can do that when you come in thursday. I told her I just had a miscarriage and I’m pretty paranoid low progesterone caused it so can you please see if some can be ordered for me? Hopefully it will.

I really am still in complete and utter shock.