She’s Having A Boy

July 31, 2009

One of my law school friends is a fertile myrtle. She has baby after baby without a thought. When I told her of my infertility struggles she laughed and said don’t even think about it and it will happen, or other useful nuggets.  She began TTC for her next baby three months before me. Those three months were interesting as fertile myrtle did not get pregnant at her first try. By month two she was a mess and it was very difficult for me to find sympathy for a mother of two who has only been TTC for two months. When I got pregnant she was one of the three people I told. I asked her, did you get testing for spina bifida and the other stuff? She shook her head. You never worried if they’d be okay? She laughed Oh honey, God is good. He would never do that to me. She pointed her finger to the sky and smiled I know my God is great. I bit my tongue though my heart began twisting in my chest. She got pregnant three days after me. I better have another boy. I don’t want any girls, just boys. Girls are too much work. Again my chest constricted You should be thankful for what you get. I said with gritted teeth. She shook her head, I know that’s what I should say but I’m telling you, I’ll be so bummed if I have a girl. She just sent out a text I’m having a boy!

Is it selfish and wrong to ask why some ask and receive like they’re diners at a fancy restaurant?


  1. I’m sorry, I know she’s your friend, but all those comments would make me want to smack her face! Though, unfortunately, these are not abnormal responses from people, as I’m sure you know all too well. I just found out my bf is having a baby. She was so upset b/c I’m not and she felt so bad! Which of course made me feel bad for ruining her moment. I guess there’s just no good response in all of this crap!

    Just the comment “He would never do that to me!” Ugh! I would have just turned on her and said, “So, God is not good to me and has no problem taking away my babies??” I don’t agree with this theology at all, but hopefully that would have stunned her into silence!

    Sorry, keep ripping on your friend here! As you know from my last post, I’m in a bad mood! Hope it goes away soon. I continue to think of you daily. I check your blog 2-3 times a day to see how you’re doing. It’s true, in this IF world, it’s so helpful to “know” other IFers, even if it is only over the internet…

  2. i’ve wondered the same thoughts so many times…i have no idea why some seem to order up their children with ease, while others of us stuggle so. sometimes it helps me to think about all of the other privileges i’ve been given (whether i’ve worked for them or not) as an educated, upper-middle-class white woman…that helps put things in perspective somewhat, but not really…even with all that i have, with all that my life has become, i still wish i could be one of the vip diners.

  3. Eeeew. I would not be able to bite my toung with someone like that. Not only does she have an ridiculously inflated sense of entitlement but she’s incredibly insensitive – to you, her friend. I have put my own friends in check for much less. But we all have this ‘friend’ don’t we. I hate it because it really underscores the fact that life isn’t fair. One thing that helps me through these struggles is the thought that something like this happens to everyone at some point in their lives, it’s a fact of life, inevitable, no one can escape it. Everyone will have their difficult time and will grow from it. But ‘friends’ like this remind me that my theory is really just something i tell myself to make myself feel better.

  4. Ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH!

    I have a *HUGE* issue with people who think that God dictates fertility/infertility (I’m sorry if this is a view you share. it’s just not a view I can swallow). And I have an even *HUGER* issue with people who complain about the sex of their babies.

    Some people are really so clueless, that it takes my breath away (and I’m not talkin’ about the good kind of breathtaking).

    Just yesterday, T said to me, “Why is it that the people who are least equipped to have children, like druggies, free-loaders, the financially and mentally unstable and the truly clueless, are able to pop out child after child? Why is it so easy for them?” And I answered, “Because that’s the way the world works!” It’s sad, but true.

    (I’m not saying that your friend is ill-equipped to have children…I just felt like sharing my rant =) )

  5. You are much nicer than I would be in that situation. Anyone who tells a woman – a woman she knows to have lost babies – that God wouldn’t be mean to HER by doing something to her unborn child is not a very good friend.

    I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but again – I think you’re much nicer than I am. I’m in a crappy mood – will you give me her email address? Will you?!? Will you please?!?

    Seriously, sorry you have to deal with someone like that in your life. I hope she’s wonderful in ways that make you able to overlook her insensitivity and enjoy her company sometimes.

    And if that ever changes, remember that I’m still waiting for her email address….

  6. Oh sweetie, what an insensitive, selfish twit! I’m so sorry people who are supposed to be your friends are you putting you through this kind of pain right now… No matter how you’re feeling about it right now, it’s not wrong. But kudos for not texting back a snarky comment indicating that you hoped they mistook umbillical cord for penis and she gets a “nasty” shock on delivery day!

  7. I know she’s your friend, but I would think she’d be a little more sensitve, especially since she knows what you’ve gone through. I want to punch her.

    • I would like to punch your friend in her fertile ladyparts, but I shall not since she is currently with child and your friend. You are a remarkable person to not have told her off. She may believe that the G-Man did all this for her, but I don’t believe that. I DO believe in Karma and her behavior hasn’t helped hers.

  8. her comments are so insensitive, she certainly doesn’t seem worthy of your friendship. it can seem so unfair, to look around and see how easily things come to others, especially those who don’t appreciate the blessing because it hasnt been a struggle for them. im sorry

  9. I get so angry with the “I want a boy” type comments. Like you, I feel like you should only “want” a healthy, full term baby. But they dont have our histories. They dont know what the pain of losing a baby is like. If they did, then they would think differently. At least, that is what I tell myself. I just grit my teeth and try to live by example. And sometimes, the comments… Like, “surely you want one or the other”… Actually, insensitive person, no I dont. I dont care if they have a penis or a vagina. I care that they have a heartbeat and brainwaves. And, even if I couldnt have those things, I would just be grateful for whatever time I had.

    I wish I knew why some people seem to have it all while other people seem to get trial after trial… I just dont know why…

  10. Wow, seriously? I have no idea how you can handle yourself so well, and then you ask if YOU are selfish?

  11. Wow. She sounds very self centered and very insensitive. And the whole entitled God comments – that is just nuts. I have a stepsister like that – she is also evil and nasty though – and she just let everyone know she is having a boy – after two girls “it was about time”. She got pregnant at the same time as my little sister, who had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. She is reallly a nightmare and we just try to avoid her.

    So sorry that you have to deal with that.

  12. I just wanted to say that I am glad that you have information and plans to chose from and that you will be able to take care of the progesterone and lovenox stuff right away,
    but mostly I am happy to hear that hope is creeping up on you
    30 is not at all too late
    and I wish you all good things.

    Oh, and I also wish you more sensitive friends. Sheesh. That was hard to read about.

    thinking of you,

  13. Meggomae, oh honey I remember you were going out with your friend for a distraction from your own sad news. I’m sorry it has to be so bittersweet with friends. At least she was sensitive to your situation though. Yes, I wanted very much to point out her flaw in the lgoic. That only bad people suffer infertility or issues with their children? Ugh. Thanks for thinking of me and thanks for checking in. It means a lot.

    Lilly, I think a friend recently said contentment is being happy with what you have. I try very hard to do this but regardless like you sometimes I do wish I as a VIP diner.

    Astrid, I think sadly I would turn into a bitter shell of a person if I didn’t have the belief that we all are given our own struggles. They may be different and handled in different ways but we each have our own trials. Perhaps this should not give me comfort, the difficulties of others, but it helps me believe in a fair world.

    MEG, I don’t think God rewards fertiles and is punishing infertiles. I think no one should ever feel so entitled to getting things from God in any aspect whether it be health, wealth or children. It is very frustrating.

    Sprogblogger, thanks for the smile 🙂 I did briefly consider posting her e-mail address on this blog ;). She is otherwise a cool person, If I’d known how she would be with this whole situation I’d never have trusted her with my most sensetive topic.

    Arminta, what a good idea! I like the umbilical cord suggestion 😉

    Shawna, me and her will certainly be having some space. I can handle my friend’s babies, but not friends like that.

    Traci, I always shudder when people proclaim self entitlement. I mean… we are all so fragile, nothing is guarunteed, it makes me shiver to be so presumptuous about God and His plans.

    Once a mother, thanks for your comment. I swear I don’t know what I’d do without this blog and my IF sisters reminding me I’m not abnormal for feeling as I did.

    Michele *hugs* I pray one day we’ll know why.

    Birdless, I don’t quite know how I handled myself. I think she’s lucky it was via text. I’m going to avoid her for some time befor eI can cool down.

    Meinsideout, it seems all of us know someone like this. It seems part of the IF package. I’m so sorry for your sister.

    Kate, thanks, I’m amazed at how I feel… a lot more serene than I did the last time around. I guess having a plan is always good. Thanks for your wish for more sensitive friend. Like I said earlier, had I not this blog with wonderful support, I would think it was *I* who was selfish and self centered inf eeling this way in response to her news.

  14. no it is not selfish. life has its ways of being so unfair sometimes. there is no justice in this world and therefore, sorry, no God. if there was, the drug addicts wouldn’t have crack babies, the people who dedicate their lives to helping others would be millionaires and the insensitive assholes would get a girl when they wanted a boy.

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