GriefJuly 27, 2009
Has grief ever threatened to strangle you? Have you ever felt its sinewy arms snake around you and tighten clamping against your neck making you feel you might literally actually die. I was okay yesterday. Sure, sad, but not feeling like I might go mad with grief. Today I woke up and suddenly the world seemed like a dark inhospitable place. I’m so angry. My head throbs with fumes of fury. My tears are hot they burn like acid on my skin. Please don’t tell me the stages of grief. I know them backwards and forwards. But stages, and charts they make me angry right now, cataloguing my emotions telling me in a didactic voice how I should be feeling. I am mad that I had to put through a run around for ten days only to have a conclusion like this. I’m so fucking mad that I don’t know what the road ahead has in store for me. Will I be 80 reading back my words and have nothing to show for it? How long will I write in this infertility blog about my struggle? Will it spill over into another year? Another decade?
I want so desperately to be at peace. I want so desperately not to feel this pain scorching every cell in my body. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to hurt. Two losses, and I know that there is no guaruntee that it will stop at just two. Right now there is a dark cloud over my head, its real and its black and its rife with thunder and lightening and any moment it will strike and it will knock me dead. I don’t know if I will ever be the same. I don’t really know, how I’m supposed to go on. Two miscarriages. Two. All innocence is loss. All banal attempts at yeah sure it’ll happen for you mean jackshit. My thirtieth birthday looms large mere weeks from now and what have I got to show for it?
How do I get through this? How will I move on?