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Thoughts post-miscarriage #2

July 26, 2009

I’m sure anyone who battles infertility and anyone who has the loss of miscarriages under their belt never could have imagined how difficult having a child would be. I had an inkling due to my irregular periods that I would battle infertility. I never knew I would face the pain of miscarriage, twice. So far. What do I make of two miscarriages with two heartbeats? Is it a progesterone problem, since I was borderline two weeks ago. Is it my HCG doesn’t know how to double? Is it the lupus anticoagulant? Is it my cervix or uterus that find child carrying bothersome? I hope against all hope that an RE will know the answer. All I know is I’m sad, I’m angry, and I feel guilty as hell. I am aware the guilt is illogical but its real and throbs in my chest.

1. I feel guilty that babies with heartbeats that are supposed to have less than 2% chance of dying, die in my womb. I’m so sorry to have brought them into this world only to have left without a kiss or a hug.

2. I feel guilty that thanks to my fucked up body Jack isn’t a father. He told me last night, as though reading my mind, I want a baby with you, and if its not with you then with no one else. Still, the guilt eats away at my soul. God, he’d be a good father. He would rock her to sleep and teach her tennis. I wish I had it in my power to give him a child.

3. I feel guilty that thanks to my fucked up body my parents are not grandparents.  They want it bad and I can’t give it. God knows, I try. I do my best but I can’t seem to follow through. They are coming this weekend and I feel a strong lump in my throat. They should be coming to spoil a grandchild. Every interaction we have feels empty to me because there is not a child. My parents will not live forever. I’m so afraid they’ll never meet their grandchild.

Grief and guilt intermingle through my veins in equal parts. Jack wants to wait at least three months. He says we should make an appointment with an RE and figure stuff out and just spend some time not thinking about baby making. I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand I want to try again. Yes I got pregnant twice back to back but I don’t take it for granted. I spent 13 months trying in vain. I know how long the stretch can be. Each month we wait feels like time that I can’t get back, time wasted in the babymaking game. Then on the other hand it makes sense. I can workout and lose the ten pounds Ive been battling. I get three months of not TTC, or TWWing. God knows TWWs suck. Maybe it would do me good. I’m scared to risk three losses in a year. but you’re most fertile post-miscarriage. All these thoughts swirl as I face the future, grieve the past, and wonder the hell I’m going to do right now. Thanks to those who sent well wishes. I appreciate it. I warn you though, this blog won’t be a very fun place to be for some time.

I’m Charlie fucking Brown and I can’t seem to stop trying to kick that football. Can someone please shoot Lucy?

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5 comments

  1. I know all too well that feeling of guilt. It’s so terribly unfair. I am SO sorry about what happened this weekend. I’ve actually found our break to be good. Right after the m/c I couldn’t wait to try again. In fact we didn’t wait but my HCG hadn’t come down far enough for my cycles to start again so the efforts were futile. Then we found out about The Wait and for so long I resisted it. All I could think about was get. pregnant. now. Even the thought of waiting would make me physically angry. But now, months into The Wait, I feel like I’ve regained perspective. Regained health. And regained a sense of identity away from TTC. DH and I have a wonderful life together and we’ve cultivated that and I’ve only recently begun to truly appreciate that instead of wishing it away. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather start TTC sooner than later and a year is a LONG break, but you might want to try out a shorter one. It really has been good for me and my marriage. And instead of feeling ‘behind’ where I wanted to be in terms of having the baby, I finally feel like we’re simply starting over. Nothing lost, nothing wasted. I want to look back on this time and remember it fondly and think of how quickly it went because I was filling my life with wonderful things. Hopefully, in time, you will find your way through this and you will know the right course for you. Commit to it. On the practical side, extra time might help you better understand your condition and prepare for the next pregnancy too. And it’s definitely nice to have the time to spend on yourself, whether it’s working out, having those extra glasses of wine, putting in the extra effort at work, whatever. I wish you strength and conviction in making your decision. One day I hope we both look back and think how this time for us was merely a blip, a speedbump on the way to the most wonderful chapters of our lives.


  2. Astrid thanks for sharing your personal insights on the journey. I don’t know how old you are, but that’s been the toughest part for me. Turning the big 3-0 September 4. . . I just feel antsy. I know that time is not runnign out but tell that to my biological clock. It means a lot to know that you feel that this time off has been good for you. I think theres only so much a human being can take of TTC over and over again especially when coupled with loss. I hope we both can look at this as a blip in the radar. It’s comforting to see all the happy endings on the blogs I see on “Stirrup Queens” I hope we’ll be one of those girls even if right now we’re wading through the muck. Thanks for your sweet words and personal perspective.


  3. big hugs… i know the guilt can feel insurmountable but you have nothing to be guilty about. you’ve done everything for your babies…

    sending hugs


  4. Honey…I’m so sorry. I was gone over this weekend with no internet, so I’m sorry I did not know what was going on with you until today.

    All I can say is that I’m with you, and here for you. I know the guilt you feel, mine is the same. I just doesn’t feel fair that our children never got a chance – that we were unable to sustain them. I feel the guilt too, even though I know it’s irrational. Let me know if you need anything, feel free to email me (meggomae@comcast.net)


  5. Kate, my God.

    I’m incredibly sorry that I’m so late in posting my condolences.

    You don’t deserve this hurt and anguish. If I could take it all away, I would.

    Again, my heart is breaking for you.



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