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Fears and in-laws

July 24, 2009

I close my eyes to sleep tonight and the thoughts from this week swirl through my mind. I’m so sorry, you are having a miscarriage. Conversations about D&Cs. Accepting another miscarriage. The hurt was physical in equal parts as it was emotional. I hear my doctor’s voice as I lay in silence. I see my father’s e-mail comforting me. I feel Jack’s arms around me as I shake with tears. The next day. I remember telling the specialist No! I don’t want an ultrasound, my HCGs are dropping, why are you going to do this? I shudder to think if he listened. Will that moment when the tech tells me my baby is 6w1d with a 104 heart rate ever feel less surreal? Because right now all I can do is think of it and feel myself tremble with disbelief and awe.

I’ve been fine all day but now tears drip down my cheeks and I’m not sure why. This blog has always been my place to sort through my feelings so forgive me if this all seems silly or unnecessary. I try to tell myself not to be afraid anymore because clearly what is meant to happen will happen and I only have today so don’t dwell on the what if’s in the future. The problem is I’ve not only just had a miscarriage in April, I thought I lost the one I have right now. The HCG isn’t doubling. They must be concerned to do weekly ultrasounds. I’m trying not to worry about the Thursday ultrasound but I can’t help it. I’m scared. I want to believe the doctors when they shrug off my not having nausea or hardly any symptoms, but its hard when you’re so afraid. My lower back hurts. Is that okay? I wonder. I feel pressure in my uterus area. Not cramping but just pressure. I immediately consult Dr. Google and scare myself silly. Pregnancy post miscarriage is always more difficult since you know what can happen. Add a history of infertility and its a recipe for paranoia and fear.

My therapist encourages me not to name the baby (Too late, Baby Bug). He said I shouldn’t talk to it. I shouldn’t say things like she’s a fighter since it hurts harder if I lose it. That I should not pin all my hopes on this one pregnancy. Isn’t that natural though? How can I see the ultrasound and the beating heart and not feel overcome by love and the corresponding worry. Every instinct in my being wants to send it good vibes, asking it to keep on fighting. I can’t wave my hand and say well if not this one, the next one. I want this one.

I think I’m also feeling very emotional because after a long week like this what I’d like more than anything is to curl in bed all weekend and catch up on the sleep I’ve gone without this week. But I can’t do that. Jack’s parents are coming in town.  I’ve written a little about them here but to put it briefly we don’t get along and thanks to how they acted after my miscarriage we won’t be telling them the news until much later (please God let there be a much later).  I also have a weird habit of bleeding whenever I see them. Somehow whenever we would visit I’d get my period. I miscarried the weekend we were visiting them. After my miscarriage there was a big blowout and we haven’t seen them in over three months. Tomorrow they will be here and the house isn’t up to par clean wise, but I don’t have the energy, and well shouldn’t JACK be working on it considering its his parents? There is no food in the house, I haven’t cooked in advance. I’m usually a good host (even if they’re seldom impressed) but I’m just feeling overwhelmed and yes, I’m scared because of the whole bleeding when they’re here sort of thing. I know its likely just a coincidence but its a fucking scary as hell coincidence. And here’s the most awful part. I know they wish Jack married someone else. Someone who was a homemaker, who had kids right away, who was more religious, etc. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have all these fertility challenges. When I see them and the hopes and dreams I did not give them, despite my intellectual awareness that they’re wrong,  despite knowing Jack loves me and we’re in this IF struggle together, I feel so guilty that their darling boy didn’t get the fertile bunny they wanted. I feel guilty I haven’t given them grandkids yet. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment. I judge myself through their eyes. These are thoughts I struggle with when I see them and I do overcome them, however I am worried about my emotional well being while they are here after a week that makes me feel like an NBA basketball.

I’m sure it will be okay. I just need to get through each day one day at a time. This weekend will pass. Thursday will come. The ultrasound will show what it will. I will be okay. Sigh.

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15 comments

  1. Here again from Kate’s site…I am cheering you on even though we do not “know” each other. I have had three early miscarriages and I am 5 weeks today – the fear and terror slip in all the time. I always wish for that naive happiness I felt the first time I was pregnant.

    I hope that you make it through the weekend okay. Do whatever you have to do to get through it – some days all I can do is protect my sanity. I have a nightmare MIL at times – after my first miscarriage she said “now we are not all going to brood about this are we?” Yeah.

    Big, big hugs and I will be out here rooting for you over the weekend.


  2. Forget the in-laws. Forget not being a good host. It’s not as if you’re close to them and would be slighting them if you locked yourself in your bedroom and curled into a ball on the bed all weekend. If they truly think that you’re not Jack’s “best match”, they’re probably not going to change their minds if you ccok them a nice meal, so forget it. This is about YOU. Do what’s best for YOU, and for your baby. Be strong.


  3. i don’t know if it’s worse to name the baby and talk to it or to not allow yourself to do those things. i have not been able to let myself believe that it’s really happening to me yet and i think i miss out on the joy that other people get to fell. i also think if i were to have a miscarriage i might be able to grieve more effectively if i was allowing myself to believe that this is really happening. so is it good or bad, i don’t know. i hope your little bug continues to grow and stays nice and strong!


  4. I’m this is happening to you, I’m hoping it’s not a miscarriage. I do have to disagree with the therapist though. I’m not a trained professional – only a girl with 2 stillborn babies and 5 miscarriages and I named every one. I called them by their names, I hoped, I wished, I bargained. It’s only natural and I think that the argument that it will hurt worse if you lose it is crap peddled by someone who doesn’t now (I’m assuming). It’s going to hurt no matter what – worse is all relative when you lose a baby. You want to name and hope and wish, than that’s what you do because hopefully this baby does stick around and you don’t deserve to miss out on being excited.

    As far as the in-laws…if the house isn’t clean enough for them, I’m sure there is a Motel 6 down the street and a Pizza Hut that delivers…take care of you…


  5. Cater. Call right now, pick it up on your way home before they arrive. Don’t tell them that you bought it. And then Saturday morning, after breakfast, would it be possible to schedule a migraine? The kind that requires you to stay in bed with the lights off because any other kind of environment will make you throw up. Not sure what to do on Sunday, but maybe Jack could take them out somewhere for a few hours — religious services, perhaps?


  6. “My therapist encourages me not to name the baby (Too late, Baby Bug). He said I shouldn’t talk to it. I shouldn’t say things like she’s a fighter since it hurts harder if I lose it. That I should not pin all my hopes on this one pregnancy.”

    I don’t have a degree in psychology, heck, I got a C in it in college! But I think your therapist is dead wrong. I think you need to cherish the time you have as a pregnant woman, and I am hoping and praying that time is 9 months long!! For IFers, even getting to the pregnant stage is a struggle. When we are there, I think we need to appreciate the miracle. Sadly for many of us that miracle ends in loss, but I would not give up the 11 (really 8) weeks that I had my Zippy growing inside me – not for anything. To cut yourself off emotionally from this child, I just don’t agree with that. Not at all. You do what feels right, what will give you the most peace. I know that the struggle between hope and fear is a difficult one. I’ve been there, you’ve been there, but at the end of it all if you have a baby in your arms, it’ll all be worth it. Thinking of you daily!!


  7. I am so with HK’s comments: make a plan so you don’t have to deal with them. Get the “flu” or something and recommend that they stay in a hotel so they don’t get sick. Tell your DH it’s his job to keep them occupied so you can have your space. It’s only one weekend. . .you don’t have to revolve it around them, there will be plenty of other opportunities to do that later. Go to that calm place of doing what you need to do for yourself and your sanity and comfort. Hoping for some peace and calm and lots of love for you this weekend.
    Elizabeth


  8. You deserve a break. The fact that you’re even willing to have your in-laws come at a time like this is unbelievably generous of you.

    Has your therapist ever been pregnant? I’m skeptical of therapy to begin with but this is the kind of thing that I think differs from person to person (i for example will never be able to name a baby early – even if a therapist told me to) and I don’t think there is one right answer. It’s whatever helps you get through a difficult situation.

    BTW I listed your blog as one of the seven I LOVE. I don’t mean to inconvenience you with a ‘tag’ at a time like this – don’t feel like you have to participate. I just really love your blog so it felt fitting. http://babymakingoneohone.blogspot.com/2009/06/kreativ-blogger-award.html


  9. Meinsideout, I am rooting for you too. I know how scary this point of the pregnancy is, sure its all going to be scary for us but the 1st trimester is super hard. I hope you haven’t shared your joyous news with MIL again. How awful of a response!

    Shawna, you’re right, whether I roll over and play dead or sit up and do all they want they’ll find a place to fault me.

    Kate, I think a feeling of disbelief is also in my head too, but the ultrasound is what makes it real. Like you my symptoms are sparse so without symptoms at this stage its hard to really “feel” pregnant.

    Mkewer, thanks for the advice. It means a lot to me that you don’t regret loving each prgnancy and your babies.

    HK, Jack actually is making lunch at the moment thankfully so that takes care of that. Tomorrow night we’ll go out to dinner. I won’t need to fake a “turn the lights off” type of issue since I have a pounding migraine. I think thats a good idea for him to take them to some religious services, that would be a win win for everyone. Thanks for the great advice.

    Meggomae, you put it SO well, its such an amazing astonishment to GET pregnant its hard to just blow it off and act like its not happening. I think everyone who has actually gone through the pain of IF and have had miscarriages are all saying they don’t regret loving their baby… I think that holds more weight over a therapist who may or may not have ever gone through this.

    Elizabeth, thank you. like I said to hk, Im already getting quite the migraine so it seems I won’t need an excuse to lie down and just rest. I’ve been running on stress for over 8 days now, I just need some downtime now.

    Astrid, well my therapist is a guy, so that’s a good point 🙂 Pregnancy is different even from the baby-daddy and the mother. . . i think men just might see it all differently. You’re SO sweet to list my blog as one of seven you love. Thanks so much! If its a tag, I’ll try to do it at some point for sure. Thanks 🙂


  10. Do your best to take care, be kind and gentle with yourself this weekend and until Thursday. I also think that your therapist, a man (strike-1) who has never been pregnant (strike-2) and has never lost a pregnancy (strike-3) is trying to help but has no idea what is right for you in this matter. Try your best to protect your heart, but also respect and treasure your Baby Bug however feels right to your soul. Come up with a phrase you can repeat in your head that will shield you from in-law frustration. Remember Jack picked YOU – not anyone else. Can you imagine where we’d be if we did everything our parents wanted? I shudder at the thought of it. Wishing and hoping that everything turns out for the best on Thursday. ((Hugs))


  11. Oh, hon, what a week. I say eff the in-laws — your most important task right now is taking care of yourself and taking care of your little Bug. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace after a long, crazy week.


  12. just for reassurance (I had two mcs prior to my current pregnancy), I did not have nausea with any of them and I had pressure/cramping throughout my 1st trimester, which we chalked up to my uterus growing.

    Can you pull the “i’m sick” card and stay in bed all weekend when the inlaws are there?


  13. Barefoot and Tracy thanks for your reassurances. I am just waking up from a two hours nap 😉

    B Mom, do you mean that you did not have nausea with any of your pregnancies including your current viable one, or you had pressure cramping only with the ones you miscarried? I am kind of pulling the sick card because I have quite the migraine!


  14. hi Kate,
    Be self protective this weekend- whatever that needs to be.
    I hope it all goes ok and you survive intact.

    I’ll be thinking of you,
    Kate


  15. i disagree 200% w/ your therapist. I’ve had 3 early m/c and 3 infant losses, and from experience, naming those babies and celebrating each day with them… those are the only things that have made the losses bearable. from the start, they are babies- our babies. i think we owe it to them and ourselves to do all that we can for as long as we have them.



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