My non-viable pregnancy, waiting to miscarryJuly 22, 2009
I can’t sleep despite my best efforts so as I thought I’d share what happened. The doctor called around noon and from her voice I could tell things were bad. My HCG level, instead of doubling from 3500, dropped to 3000. She said this miscarriage is different from the last one. The last one was so close to the second trimester. We saw a heart beat and she’s convinced the lupus anticoagulant caused it. This one, due to how early its happening, she thinks is a more standard first trimester loss. One of those shit happens time of deal. She told me to still see the maternal fetal specialist tomorrow so that we can get a go ahead on lovenox the blood thinner. This way next pregnancy as soon as I see two pink lines I can start the shots right away. She called it pre-pregnancy planning except that technically I’m still pregnant. She told me I’m a high risk pregnancy person now. She wants to test my HCG levels Monday and asked me to give it two weeks to see if I’ll miscarry naturally. For such an early pregnancy she doesn’t want to put me through a D&C. It’s not easy to walk around knowing something is in you that no longer has a chance.
We ordered Chinese take out and watched two silly comedies in a row (Paul Blart Mall Cop, He’s Just Not That IntoYou) Those helped take my mind off of things but as soon as the television shut off and we went upstairs to sleep I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I can’t believe I’m going through this again. I thought it was a blessing from God, how I found peace of mind and began to just trust in the process. I found prayer and meditation and then out of the blue it happened. I was pregnant! Except it really didn’t. Two things swirl through my mind whispering in my ear: Its so hard for me to get pregnant. Now when I get pregnant, I’m high risk to lose the pregnancy.
I feel numb like someone dipped me in Novicain. My head is throbbing but inside I just feel empty. Except I’m not empty am I? There is an embryo within my womb falling apart pieces at a time. I cringe at the BFP HPT I wrapped and placed on the dinner table for our seventh anniversary. Jack’s face lighting up with joy makes me now sink further into darkness. My thoughts weave and meander through empty buildings and tiptoe over landmines. Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be a mother? When can I try again? Am I ready to try again? Should I just give up? It is a sickening feeling to know that I now have to wait to miscarry. Wait to bleed. Try again. Two Week Wait again. Have any of you ever considered just giving up? The feeling consumes me at the moment.
My dad sent me an e-mail. It was actually a note I wrote to him 14 years ago when he lost his job and the small business he opened didn’t work and we were on the brink of losing our home. He time traveled me back to the past in an attempt to comfort with me with my own words:
Lately life seems hard and I know its very stressful for you. But please remember never to feel guilty b/c you did what you thought was right. Always keep in mind that this stress is only temporary. We have dealt with worse and we all love you very much.No matter what may happen as long as you have us and we are all healthy and safe, there is no reason for stress. I love you so much, and it makes me sad that you have so much to deal with. But keep in mind all the good things in your life. I am proud of you, and I love you more than anything else. Every night pray to God, He loves you and you always try to help people. I love you and I want your happiness.
Thank you so much to all of you who read and left me words of comfort. I read them and it felt like a hug from each and every single one of you. I don’t know what I would do if I did not have this small space in the blogosphere to let out my feelings and if I didn’t have your support who unfortunately know all too well my pain. With the way IF is such a hush hush ‘shameful’ topic I shudder to think how alone I would otherwise feel.
My dream for myself and each one of you reading is that one day our blogs will be gathering dust because we’re too busy playing with our coveted children. Until then, I’m here. Wringing my tears with the written word.