Let the descent to crazy land beginJuly 20, 2009
I came home and saw a missed call from my OB-GYN office but no message. No missed call on my cell. Why didn’t they call my cell? I’m now petrified. What did they want? The call is 40 minutes after my blood draw. Did something go wrong? I just sent an e-mail to my doctor letting her know I saw a missed call with my CELL number to reach me.
I turned on the television to catch the last ten minutes of the King of Queens. It’s the episode where Kerri gets pregnant and finds out she had a miscarriage. I call Jack my heart pounding, its not a sign right? He assured me it isn’t, but I’m shaken.
The dinner ingredients await me on the kitchen counter. All I see in my mind’s eye is a vision. Me in a striped hospital gown, in bed, propped up. Jack’s arms around me. A little baby in the blue striped blanket in my arms. You see, bad results, they take away my future. They are taking away dreams I cannot control. My dreams, they self create. That mutate into techni-colored 3D motion pictures of hopes and dreams and love unimaginable. When you tell me its over. That my baby is gone. You’re pulling the plug on my moment, but you’ve sledge hammered through my future.
I’m finishing a book, Benny and Shrimp. This part struck me:
I have to get through the minutes
one at a time,
swallow them like bitter pills,
try not to dwell on
the vast number left
I’m so scared. Please don’t be gone little one. I promise, we’ll have so much fun, you and I.