How to Pass Time

July 17, 2009

Tuesday is my ultimatum day. The day I find out if my HCG levels are rising. If rising, its the day of my ultrasound to see if there’s a heartbeat and date the pregnancy. As I stated in my previous post, my progesterone levels are low. They are 9.5 when it should be 15+. The doctor said progesterone supplements won’t save a pregnancy dying anyways. Low progesterone levels can indicate a failing pregnancy. Not always, but often. She said don’t ruin your weekend panicking. We might find out Tuesday that all is well and you worried for nothing. That’s easier said than done, when I heard these same words about three months ago on a similar phone call with a similar fear.

I’m in shock. I’m angry. I’m sad. I can’t wrap my mind around this. Jack says its good to be prepared at least. We weren’t prepared last time. This time we have advance warning. I don’t know what’s better. I know that not having to worry about a miscarriage would be the best alternative.

I have no earthly idea how to pass the time. Tomorrow when Jack goes to play basketball I’m going to go a bookstore and work on my manuscript and read books on formatting and how to submit. Other than that I’m stumped. I need to pass these next  88 hours without losing my sanity.

Praying for a sunflower miracle in my life. Why does this have to be so damn hard


  1. I wish for your sake that Tuesday wasn’t so far away. I can understand how these next few days will seem endless.

    I like your idea of going to the bookstore. And if it’s nice out, maybe you and Jack can go for walks or hit up a farmers’ market?

    One thing you should NOT do is consult with Dr. Google. =) He’ll cause even the calmest of people to whip themselves into a panic.

    *big hugs for you*

  2. That’s a great beta, for where you are likely at. I’m not sure what to think about the progesterone though. It’s something that I’ve always had problems with. It seems like my corpus luteums (lutea?) just don’t work well even when they’re being driven by HCG from a pregnancy. My luteal hormone levels are always low if I’m not on meds. I guess I feel like even if supplemental progesterone won’t save a failing pregnancy, it at least would make me feel like I was doing everything that I could to help things out.
    I hope the results on Tuesday (especially of the ultrasound!) are all good, and show that your progesterone is rising, the beta’s doing great, and you’ve got a nice sac, maybe even with a heartbeat if you’re that far along.
    It’ll be a long time till then, for sure. Trashy movies? Harlequin romance novels? I need brainless entertainment to take my mind of stuff like that. Work is a little harder for me to concentrate on (though surely a way better use of time). Maybe the nervous energy will help you plow through a lot of it.

  3. sweet Kate,
    the blood progesterone may not show the progesterone available for your babe since you are doing suppositories- they are not systemic like pills so the stuff that is available shall we say locally can be much higher than what is in the blood work. and I wish the doc had told you that.

    I hate that you have to worry
    and your beta is so grand, so big and fluffy, that something in there is having a great start and a great go at it.

    wishing you peace if possible even if it is only in the moments between inhaling and exhaling, and I wish this could be easier for you in every way.


  4. oh dear…i’m so sorry for the fucking rollercoaster that pregnancy can be for some of us. i’ve also heard about the progesterone suppositories providing progesterone locally and not systemically, as kate mentioned in the previous comment…hang in there…and go crazy if you need to…these are crazy-making times. and miraculous. and frightening. and hopeful. and every kind of emotion available to humankind. remembering you this weekend and beyond. lil

  5. Meg, as much as I know to beware Dr. Google. I did fall into his evil clutches. It’s really hard to abstain on such a long stretch. Though there are scary stories, there’s a ton of stories out there that suppositories help. I’m so glad I demanded them right away. I just hope its not too late.

    Kate thanks for the advice on how to pass time. I just got a book in the mail and plan to lose myself in that for a while. Do you go on prog as soon as you ovulate due to your progesterone related issues?

    Kate, again your words provide me so much comfort. I am (hoping hoping hoping) that the suppositories are simply not showing up in the blood stream and so I in fact don’t have anything to worry about. The doctor’s are so vague, and I get that, but the result is so maddening.

    Lilly, thanks, for reassuring me about the progesterone supplements. I do feel so much better knowing this. I’m trying hard not to go crazy but its a good thing to remember that these are indeed crazy making times……… thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.

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