Not Doing GreatJuly 16, 2009
Knowing that the auto-immune disorder is the reason I miscarried has thrown me off orbit. I am haunted with the knowledge that my baby was fine. My baby was breathing and growing and deveoping on schedule and then thanks to clotting issues my baby died. The grief overwhelms me. I can’t change anything that happened. What was is no longer here. I can’t cry and bring back my Speck, but it just hurts to know what a beautiful missed opportunity of life no longer is. I realize I am currently pregnant but I cannot shake the fear that I will lose this one too. I don’t know why but this fear has gripped me and is threatening to do me in. I don’t want two miscarriages in a year. I don’t want to be told this one is not developing thanks to my body acting stupid.
I’ve made peace with my miscarriage. I thought. I gained a lot of understanding on who I was, what I was made of. I found my faith again after years of darkness, but. . . that doesn’t make the pain hurt less. Yes if I miscarry again I will get over it and I will learn to stand again but I’m not looking forward to the fall. I’m frightened to death of the fall. I can’t fall. Please God, please God, don’t let me fall.
16 hours until my appointment, and counting. . .