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Not Doing Great

July 16, 2009

Knowing that the auto-immune disorder is the reason I miscarried has thrown me off orbit. I am haunted with the knowledge that my baby was fine. My baby was breathing and growing and deveoping on schedule and then thanks to clotting issues my baby died. The grief overwhelms me. I can’t change anything that happened. What was is no longer here. I can’t cry and bring back my Speck, but it just hurts to know what a beautiful missed opportunity of life no longer is.  I realize I am currently pregnant but I cannot shake the fear that I will lose this one too. I don’t know why but this fear has gripped me and is threatening to do me in. I don’t want two miscarriages in a year. I don’t want to be told this one is not developing thanks to my body acting stupid.

I’ve made peace with my miscarriage. I thought. I gained a lot of understanding on who I was, what I was made of. I found my faith again after years of darkness, but. . . that doesn’t make the pain hurt less. Yes if I miscarry again I will get over it and I will learn to stand again but I’m not looking forward to the fall. I’m frightened to death of the fall.  I can’t fall. Please God, please God, don’t let me fall.

16 hours until my appointment, and counting. . .

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4 comments

  1. I don’t know what else to say, other than I am intensely praying for you. I can’t imagine the ache your heart is experiencing due to this newfound knowledge.

    You did not *will* Speck to die. It was not your soul or your heart or your mind that caused him to leave you so soon. It was a faulty biological process that you had absolutely no control over. Please don’t continue to beat yourself up with blame. =(

    *hugs*


  2. Even if it wasn’t your auto-immune disorder that caused you to miscarry, even if you still didn’t know the reason, you’d still be just as afraid this time around. THere’s always something (or nothing at all) that scares you and makes you fearful of being able to keep your child alive and within you. I know that’s not much consolation right now, but I just want you to realize that you have no control (and that’s a very hard thing to accept). Praying for you . . .


  3. I am hoping that whatever the outcome of the new pregnancy, you can somehow see this diagnosis as a good thing, considering the circumstances. I have ached and longed for a real diagnosis (as you may have done after your first m/c) – I was even excited when the dr’s came up with GTD as a possibility (even though it’s potentially cancerous) because that meant I could move on armed with the knowledge of what I was dealing with. Now that it’s totally unclear what I have, the hurt and frustration gets worse, not better. I think it’s good that you found out about the condition before too long (and more losses) and it sounds like there are ways to manage it through a healthy pregnancy. I hope that time is now! Good luck with today’s appointment!


  4. Thinking of you & praying for you, sweetheart.



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