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The world feels like its tumbling: Why I miscarried

July 15, 2009

Like anyone else who miscarries I wanted to know why. After my miscarriage I asked the doctor to take some blood work to see if there’s any disorder predisposing me to miscarriage. I just got a call from my OB that one of my blood tests came back positive for lupus anticoagulent. Lupus. I know that this doesn’t mean I have lupus but I have this particular variation and this means that I have higher incidence of blood clotting. Women with lupus anticoaglant have higher risk of miscarriage. It is one of the common reasons for miscarriages to happen. The message from my doctor said to take a baby aspirin starting now and she’ll explain more at our appointment tomorrow.

First of all, she could not wait until tomorrow. She called to tell me to start ASAP.  This is urgent then. What if I’ve already lost my baby? What if it’s too late? I didn’t wake up last night to pee. I HAVE NO symptoms of pregnancy.

This means Speck was fine. He was healthy and okay and had no chromosomal abnormalities. **I** lost him. I mean, I know I didn’t do it on purpose but had he found life in someone else’s womb he would’ve been born and healthy and happy.  The blood clots seep into the placenta cutting off oxygen to the fetus. I read stories of other women like me with it, who had a heart beating little baby growing that died so close to the second trimester. And I might already be losing the new one growing within me. Meggomae once reminded me I’m already a mother. When I feel the pain I do at the thought of my baby suffocating due to lack of oxygen, the thought that he could have lived and died due to us not knowing. . . the pain is so raw that I do in that moment dare anyone to tell me I was not a mother.

I talked to my doctor just now and she told me this should be seen as a good thing since now we know. Lots of doctor don’t order these tests after one miscarriage, they say after two or three they’ll check. I’m grateful this wasn’t even an argument between me and my doctor and I’m grateful she tested me.  I told her I did not wake up to pee last night and I’m afraid I might have already miscarried. She said don’t think like that, and that its probably not too late.

Intellectually the odds are low I have already miscarried, but I had a 2% chance of miscarrying Speck when they found his strong heartbeat. Odds mean jackshit to me. She said she will feel my uterus to determine how far along I am and if I’m far along enough they’ll do an ultrasound. I’m also going to see a specialist to see what to do about my disorder. They might give me heparin, a self injection daily that thins the blood, but she wants a specialist to diagnose that. In the meantime I’m popping baby aspirins.

3 metformin tablets. 1 prenatal. 1 baby aspirin. 1 nightly dose of progesterone. I will hang upside down naked from a tree in my front yard if you can promise me I will have my baby healthy and happy in nine months. Keep the meds coming, just give me my baby.

FUCK. I really wish it wasn’t so fucking hard all the fucking time.

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10 comments

  1. Crap, I’m sorry to hear about the condition but hopefully they’ve caught it in time for this one. I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow and am of course hoping for the best news.


  2. I agree with Astrid. I hope you’ll be started on the appropriate anticoagulation asap (baby aspirin for sure, but will you be on low molecular-weight heparin as well?), and that you’ll have a nice reassuring ultrasound tomorrow to show you that all’s still well with your little one.
    In one way, it’s nice to have an answer (I didn’t get one as to why I’ve had 2 miscarriages), as long as it’s caught in time and treated appropriately.
    Good luck.


  3. Oh no. =( I’m so sorry about this.

    But seriously, it’s *good* that you know the problem now and can fight to fix it. There are a lot of women in this IF blogosphere who battle with clotting disorders, and many of them find success through daily heparin injections and the like.

    I really hope that your medical team comes up with a solid plan for you. *hugs*


  4. Thanks Astrid, Kate, and Meg. It’s good to know. I just miss what was, and I hope that was is, this new pregnancy will stick, that we didn’t realize this too late. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


  5. The heparin really isn’t that bad, and with it the odds really are with you. The other great thing about heprin, you get a bruise colored camo belly!

    *Sending sticky thoughts your way!!!*


  6. So you have used Heparin? If so, when did they start giving it to you? I’m afraid its too late, but I have read some people who get it later in pregnancy. I miscarried at 11 weeks but believe that I lost the pregnancy around week 8.


    • Hi Kate,

      Yes, I did use Heparin and Baby Asprin during my pregnancy. The Heparin is a shot you give yourself twice a day. It stings a little going in, but as shots go it’s pretty easy one because it uses an insulin needle.

      I miscarried at 10 weeks, but the baby was eight weeks in size. I started taking the Heparin right after my first beta and was on the baby asprin for months before the hpt.

      I did test positive for the lupus anticoagulant antibodies, but I have rheumatoid arthritis (and other auto-immune conditions) and my insulin levels are three times higher than they are supposed to be. Additionally, I didn’t continue the Metformin after my positive beta. The RE’s analysis of that miscarriage was that the insulin was the problem, and that I should continue the Metformin into the next pregnancy.


  7. O sweetheart. While I’m relieved that she tested you earlier than most doctors would, I can only imagine the anxiety coursing through you right now.

    I’m praying for you & hoping all goes well at tomorrow’s appointment & throughout your pregnancy.

    Love,
    Baraka


  8. *hgs* thanks Baraka, please keep me in your prayers.


  9. Always, my love.



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