Meant to be . . .July 15, 2009
Jack said something and immediately apologized explaining he didn’t mean it as it came out, but its stuck with me. We were talking on the phone and I said, So it hard for me to GET pregnant with PCOS and then when I do get pregnant by miracle of miracles my body has also seen fit to make it hard for me to keep my pregnancy thanks to this auto-immune disorder. Jack responded with Sometimes it feels like we are not supposed to be parents. If there are so many obstacles in our path maybe its just not meant to be. I didn’t get mad because he’s entitled to feel as he does and I said nothing. He called a few hours later and said he didn’t mean it that way. The fact that we want it and are doing everything we can means that we will appreciate it more once a healthy baby is in our arms. I believe him, I think he was frustrated for a moment, and we’re all entitled to a dark thought.
I don’t know. I mean as far as I know I’m still pregnant. Hopefully I will stay pregnant. I guess if I had nausea or something else this would feel more real but I have no symptoms or signs so it keeps me distanced to some degree from this pregnancy. I have hope that I’ll stick it through pregnancy and have a healthy happy baby at the end of this but it’s just hard to hang on to that right now as I look at the odds stacked against me.
I was so good about not being impatient for tomorrow’ appointment and now that its less than 24 hours away, with this new diagnosis and the now increased risks of miscararriage, 2:30pm tomorrow may as well be two years away.