Random this and thatJuly 14, 2009
Lately I’ve been feeling a wierd fidgety feeling I have not felt before. Today I looked at the side effect label of the progesterone and among the many possible side effects one is increased nervousness. Well then. It’s funny considering this one is stated to help women with progesterone issues to conceive or maintain their pregnancy. A side effect such as increased nervouness should get a double take by the FDA considering the women who will be taking it are already preinclined to nervous tendencies.
I told my mom and she is through the roof happy. She then told me stories of about three friends who are very concerned about the state of my childlessness. One of my friends does a special prayer just for you each evening. I really feel disconcerted by the fact that my business is her friend’s business. I don’t even really talk about it with my friends but it seems based on the volume of stories she shares, everyone including the neighborhood cat knows about me. If I ask her she denies until the sun comes up but I know my mom, she can accidentally let slip many a thing without realizing. Or choosing not to realize. Her innocent stories like Maya’s mom told me she miscarried at three months also! When I ask her if she told Maya’s mom about me, my mom denies it, but I find it hard to believe this conversation randomly came up recently. It makes me feel weird next time I see Maya to know she knows so much of my life that I work so hard to maintain privacy around. Another example, at a dinner party, a friend of my mom’s said to me, your mom wants to be a grandma! To which my mom shook her head and sighed deeply Well, one can only hope and pray. The lady turned red and apologized. To date, my mom doesn’t see that as saying anything! It frustrates me because I know that she is telling me about her friends because she thinks it helps but it doesn’t help to know that she’s formed her own support group for not having a grandkid. I don’t know how deal with it because she’s my mom and I love her and I know it’s an argument waiting to happen.
In other news the progesterone or my own thoughts are making me a little nervous. I’m not nauseous at all. My boobs which were sore and painful are normal again. I do still wake to pee at night, but other than that there are simply no symptoms. Last time I got the “tsk tsk” from friends who accused me of not being grateful for the lack of symptoms when many have such severe symptoms. No one can understand save you who have been in my shoes how badly I want these symptoms because it means something is there. The Mayo Clinic says if you have no preggo symptoms its a sign of potentially impending miscarriage. Was correct last time, ofcourse I’m nervous it may happen this time.
I’m not fidgeting around with tears or anything like that. I’ve tried and partly succeeded with making peace with the fact that I *may* have a miscarriage again. I don’t WANT one. I will be sad if it happens, but I am hoping for the best while sort of preparing for the worst. I wish I could behave differently but its how I’m wired.
Thursday has never felt further away.