Three Months Post MiscarriageJuly 12, 2009
When I miscarried I read women typically grieve hard for three months after they miscarry. At the time it felt both impossible that the pain would subside, or that I could ever try again. I remember lying on the ER table as the tech quietly informed me my uterus was empty and through my tears repeating I can’t go through this again. I can’t be here again. Just the memory of that day causes fresh tears to spring to my eyes. Today, we picked up the mail we forget to get yesterday and there on the top of the thin pile was an envelope from my insurance company. A final bill for my ER visit for my miscarriage. Gotta pay that $75 they are owed after all once insurance agreed to cover the rest ($3200). It was so strange to see this bill on the this anniversary of my miscarriage. So much has happened in three months. Today it still hurts but more like the prick of a needle rather than a sword through my gut.
Three months post-miscarriage I am pregnant again. This time its all so different. I’ve nicknamed my Baby Bug. I talk to him from time to time. But I don’t think ahead anymore. I no longer can’t wait to tell my friends at month three. They’ll know when I begin showing. I am not counting down to the end of this. I’m just accepting that all I have is now. This child is within my body so surely it senses my worries and fears. I know its morbid to consider I may miscarry again, but if I do, I will feel better knowing that while this new child grew within me it only knew calm and peace, not the strain and concern that haunted me last time. This time I’m emptying my fears from my heart and giving them Up to where they belong with the full understanding that I can only do as much a I can and the rest is up to Him.
I would have been approaching my sixth month with Speck. I would have known if Speck was a boy or a girl. I would have felt his feet kicking inside me. Though I am overjoyed to be pregnant again, I still miss my first.