Pregnancy post-miscarriage: thoughts on shell buildingJuly 10, 2009
Jack came home today and hugged me as he always does and said, how are my babies doing? Then he looked down with an expression he makes when resisting a second helping of cookies. What is it? I asked. Nothing, he said shaking his head, I want to talk to it. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to get too attached.
This time around I’ve created a lot of mechanisms to protect myself so I hopefully don’t fall quite as hard if I miscarry. It might sound morbid to consider this pregnancy may end that way, but I have to acknowledge that as one of the possibilities. To protect myself I told myself I’m not going to do constant research, and your baby this week stuff. I’m going to accept that I can only control what I can. Constant worry doesn’t help. I’m going to insist on regular beta testing self advocate like I did not last time. But- the whole not talking to it, not considering it a baby, that makes me sort of sad.
I realize that Speck was not a full fledged person yet. He was still growing. But I’m glad I loved him and spoke to him and send good vibes of love towards him. However small, and however short his life was on this earth, he was not insignificant to me. I loved him and I am glad that he was loved.
I’ve been told not to nickname or talk to this new being growing inside because it hurts more if things go wrong. But love is a double edged sword. One side beauty and goodness and one side pain that can cut like a samurai sword through your soul. To love is to embrace this double edged sword. Despite the intellectual steps I can take to make sure I don’t fall and hit the pavement like I did with Speck, if I miscarry, it will hurt.
Despite the hurt, I don’t regret loving Speck. Likewise, this new being growing within me shares a bond with me, and though its presence is only known in the bathroom breaks and the sleepiness that hits at 9pm, I know that if I am lucky enough to see a viable baby in my womb through an ultrasound I will fall head over heels in love again and I will want it and dream for it like I did before. Regardless of outcome, I don’t think I will regret that. I don’t regret loving Speck. I still love him, and miss him. He still matters and in my opinion, he should.