Tired. So Tired.

June 17, 2009

There is a constant ache in my heart. I can smile, I can laugh, I can behave like a functional member of society, but the truth is, inside I am constantly splintering into a million different peices. Rebuilding, then crushing like dust once more.

My body is playing tricks with me. Still exhausted. Still no period. Still sore boobs. Still thirsty. Still strange discharge. I woke up at 4am last night to pee. Only did that when I was pregnant. I took another test, BFN.

I know that PCOS means wonky cycles, but Metformin was supposed to fix that. The first few months on it, I had regular cycles. This troubles me: out of 12 possible cycles, my lengthy cycles give me around 8 chances and of those, with PCOS, who knows when I ovulated, if even? My doctor will fight me on progesterone to jumpstart this cycle. She will fight me on Clomid. If I can convince her I’ll need to first get an HSG test done, and Jack will need to get a Sperm Analysis. This will take many months. I won’t be on all of this until at least August.  The thought of this, of all the obstacles, and all the time, and all the uncertainty its tearing me apart.

I scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow. Jack was so happy when he found out. Ask him what I should do? Ask him how I can be a good partner for you. I asked him, Are you getting frustrated. He said, Honey, I love you but this is killing me. Your constant pain, your tears, I just don’t know what to do anymore. He said it with love and it broke my heart. I’m hurting. I’m hurting Jack. The thought of hurting this good man brings tears to my eyes.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live my life this way. I need to do some serious soul searching. I need to find a way to make peace with the facts of my life, with my condition, with the reality that I don’t know the future and that I may never have children. I wish I knew how to do this.


  1. Grief can only be understood over time. It is not something that can be thought or wished away. No words of comfort will do until you see your way through the fog of many losses. There are a few things that you can remember as you find your way through. There are typically, at least, five steps to be aware of while you are on this journey: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. There are no rules that stipulate the order that these will happen. Just post them on the refrigerator and look at them frequently. There are more that can happen, but start with these. It is a grounding point for you to balance your feeling on. I will pray for you to have a peace of mind that allows you to see what you really need to focus on.

  2. i’m glad you have a therapist to talk to, we should all be in therapy really. why will it take all the way until august to start new meds?

  3. Thanks for your words of advice bushkarogfa

    Kate, my doctor’s office just takes FOREVER to schedule stuff. I got told I had PCOS in Sept but didn’t get put on meds until late Nov. I dont know why it is that way. I want to try a different doc sometimes but I’ve tried SO many now.

  4. Think of you all the time sweetheart. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this. Wish I was there to give you a hug.


  5. I’m so sorry, Kate, I wish I could make it better! You’re absolutely doing the right thing by talking to a professional.

    As far as the doc’s office goes, are you with a regular OB/GYN, or an RE? ‘Cause I felt the same as you, like I was spinning my wheels with the OB/GYN. I finally made an appointment with an RE two weeks ago, and it feels like we’ve shifted into high gear! In two weeks I’ve met with the RE twice, had two ultrasounds, started a higher dose of Clomid, had the HSG and a sperm analysis for Troy. I have my third u/s on Monday, and if I’m responding to the Clomid, we’ll do our first IUI as soon as the eggs are ready. I think you’d be so much happier with an RE, I really do.

  6. yeah i know it sucks to try so many different doctors, i guess i got lucky, i don’t LOVE my doctor or anything but he’s a nice enough guy and he moved right along with my treatments, i certainly don’t have to wait for a month to get in to see him. is there anyone else you could try?

  7. oh, yeah, and if you are seeing an obgyn you DEFINITELY need to start seeing an re instead.

  8. Thanks guys, I’ve been talking to Jack about what you guys are saying about seeing an RE and I’m seriously considering switching.

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